Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
People cripple their children by doing too much for them. Some people are confused about the job of a parent. The job of a parent is to go out of business. A young person goes to school or gets a job or both. There is no other alternative. Period. End of story.
They have to be cut off and you need an agreement about what is going to be done going forward with your ex.
So it is kind of makings sense to me, to consider the "get the kid an apartment" idea...but I am waiting to see if he gets the nearby Walmart job first, before I start making phone calls.
Wait for him to get the job, and wait for him to stay there for at least 3 months. Once that happens, give him a loan for the deposit + first months rent (or whatever arrangement they do) and have him pay you back based on what he can afford. No interest, but still needs to pay you back.
Make sure to have him do chores around the home while he lives with you. It's mostly to discipline him. Too much free time leads to disorganization. Whether he's working or Walmart (or another job) or not, he should be waking up at 6am and doing odd jobs around the home. This is for his benefit and yours.
Don't let him unpack everything he is bringing home and intermingle it with your stuff - just his career clothes and enough casual clothes to get him through each week. The rest should be boxed and labeled with his name and what's in it so that when the time comes for him to move out it'll be ready to go. Make it very clear that it is a temporary situation while he gets himself back on his feet and is able to move out.
Wait for him to get the job, and wait for him to stay there for at least 3 months. Once that happens, give him a loan for the deposit + first months rent (or whatever arrangement they do) and have him pay you back based on what he can afford. No interest, but still needs to pay you back.
Make sure to have him do chores around the home while he lives with you. It's mostly to discipline him. Too much free time leads to disorganization. Whether he's working or Walmart (or another job) or not, he should be waking up at 6am and doing odd jobs around the home. This is for his benefit and yours.
He does not live with me. He's been homeless (more or less) bouncing from one very temporary place to crash, to another, or living out of his girlfriend's car. I live in another state.
I go back and forth on the question of whether I want to provide living space in my home for either/both of my sons once I move back to Colorado late next year... I really do not want to. The last time they lived with me, they would not abide by my rules and they were slobs and stressful to have around. I haven't seen evidence that either of them has dramatically changed their habits, and I have my doubts. But that was a couple of years ago. I moved out of state to care for an elderly relative. They had 2 years' notice of this.
It's like...IF they could abide by my rules, I would like to be able to offer them shelter, yet the fact that they would need it, indicates they likely couldn't and wouldn't, because if they were living responsibly as I would want them to (working, cleaning up after themselves, etc) then they won't NEED that kind of help from me, in theory. But that's all down the road anyhow.
He has the job, as far as I know. He's been working there a few days now. Unless he's lying to me about it...I have no reason to think he is other than the fact that he has done so in the past.
Giving him a loan for a deposit won't solve this problem. The real issue is that there are no "mom & pop" landlords to find who won't check your credit or expect income of 3x the rent etc. in his area. He won't qualify, even if he is working full time for months, on his own. Even with the girlfriend...their credit alone is a prohibiting factor. That's why I am co-signing. And if I co-sign something, then I WILL be the one who makes sure the payments get made. I don't play around when it comes to my credit score. If he is able and wants to reimburse me, then great. He says he will. I know better than to hold my breath.
Also, I don't like loaning money to friends or relatives. I've watched too many relationships get destroyed when one relative had to act as a creditor to another. I don't assume that I'll be paid back. I have to draw lines at "what can I do, and live with, even if I never get it back?" Then if I do...hey, great surprise. I learned this a long time ago with friends (never lend a book unless you can easily replace it!) and my Mom, who generally can't afford to pay me back even when she insists that money I gave her was a loan and she intends to repay it. I'm just like, "OK mom" and then later when she comes to me with a tale of woe and hardship, I just tell her not to worry about it...because I sure as hell didn't put repayment into my budget. I know better.
He does not live with me. He's been homeless (more or less) bouncing from one very temporary place to crash, to another, or living out of his girlfriend's car. I live in another state.
I go back and forth on the question of whether I want to provide living space in my home for either/both of my sons once I move back to Colorado late next year... I really do not want to. The last time they lived with me, they would not abide by my rules and they were slobs and stressful to have around. I haven't seen evidence that either of them has dramatically changed their habits, and I have my doubts. But that was a couple of years ago. I moved out of state to care for an elderly relative. They had 2 years' notice of this.
It's like...IF they could abide by my rules, I would like to be able to offer them shelter, yet the fact that they would need it, indicates they likely couldn't and wouldn't, because if they were living responsibly as I would want them to (working, cleaning up after themselves, etc) then they won't NEED that kind of help from me, in theory. But that's all down the road anyhow.
He has the job, as far as I know. He's been working there a few days now. Unless he's lying to me about it...I have no reason to think he is other than the fact that he has done so in the past.
Giving him a loan for a deposit won't solve this problem. The real issue is that there are no "mom & pop" landlords to find who won't check your credit or expect income of 3x the rent etc. in his area. He won't qualify, even if he is working full time for months, on his own. Even with the girlfriend...their credit alone is a prohibiting factor. That's why I am co-signing. And if I co-sign something, then I WILL be the one who makes sure the payments get made. I don't play around when it comes to my credit score. If he is able and wants to reimburse me, then great. He says he will. I know better than to hold my breath.
Also, I don't like loaning money to friends or relatives. I've watched too many relationships get destroyed when one relative had to act as a creditor to another. I don't assume that I'll be paid back. I have to draw lines at "what can I do, and live with, even if I never get it back?" Then if I do...hey, great surprise. I learned this a long time ago with friends (never lend a book unless you can easily replace it!) and my Mom, who generally can't afford to pay me back even when she insists that money I gave her was a loan and she intends to repay it. I'm just like, "OK mom" and then later when she comes to me with a tale of woe and hardship, I just tell her not to worry about it...because I sure as hell didn't put repayment into my budget. I know better.
If he won't follow your rules even when he needs to move back in with you and rely on your money to get him on his feet, then there is no purpose in helping him. That's my 2 cents. If I were in your situation, I would make the rules clear, and if he refused to follow them, he'd quickly be back on the street. I would also let him know that I was completely disappointed in him, that this is not how I raised him, and had higher hopes. Sometimes shame can be a motivating force.
Anyways, my 2 cents. Not everyone has the same parenting styles. But the mother bird needs to push her birds out of the nest and allow them to fall before they can fly.
....I just cannot bring myself to cut him off. I am literally afraid that if I do, he will die. That he will not find a way to survive without help. I love my kid. I feel like I can't totally turn my back on him, I just can't do it...
It's hard to hear, but you probably know you're really not doing him/them any favors. You're starting therapy for a problem you have absolute control over if you choose to. Or not. If you choose 'not', nothing's going to change.
I'll lay it out for you with an example. My BIL was the same as your younger son. Drugs, drinking, stealing money, mental health issues, no consistent jobs, etc. He dropped out of HS, worked random jobs until he got fired for calling out or for some other reason. My MIL gave him a place to stay, money, food always with ultimatums. You have to stop doing drugs, stop doing this or that. He never stopped and she kept giving. We begged her for years to cut him off and stop enabling him. She would always say I can't just cut him off, he won't make it, etc. She hit a point where the stress and worrying was too much and finally, she had had enough. She told him you have two choices. 1. you are on your own in 3 months...no home, no money from mom. 2. check yourself into a rehab. After the rehab you cannot move back in. She said she would help him get a place, but the money was only for that and was short term. Well, 3 months after that day he decided to check himself into a rehab after he realized she was dead serious about no more help. He finished rehab and moved into his own place, works a steady job and has stayed out of trouble. She does send him money on occasion, but it's maybe $50 here and there. This was in NYC so definitely an expensive place to live and he made it.
By enabling them, especially the younger one, you are helping him get his weed, alcohol, not have consistent work. Same with the older one, but really more for work. Think of it like this. At some point you are not going to be around and ask yourself then what is he going to do? He needs to learn to live his own life and take care of himself. You can help him all you want now, but one day when you are not there and the help stops then what?
By enabling them, especially the younger one, you are helping him get his weed, alcohol, not have consistent work. Same with the older one, but really more for work. Think of it like this. At some point you are not going to be around and ask yourself then what is he going to do? He needs to learn to live his own life and take care of himself. You can help him all you want now, but one day when you are not there and the help stops then what?
It has to do with not wanting to relinquish the role of parent. It's her problem and that's the problem. It is hard to hear (and she might not hear). There's a way to help, but, it's not to do for them what they must do for themselves.
You are definitely enabling them, and not allowing them to become adults. What happens when you are no longer around to be the cash cow? Oh, you think they will magically grow out of their issues of irresponsibility?
They could join the military, and I think it would greatly benefit the younger one that can't seem to keep a job, but then, mom is there when he isn't working. Doesn't it bother you that he keeps getting fired? Don't you wonder why? You do realize that continually getting fired, he won't have much to sell to an employer.
They may need to move to a state with a lower cost of living, as CO is very expensive, and a lot of people can't make it there. Many have moved there once marijuana was legalized, and somehow didn't think about how they could afford to live and are now on the street.
Otherwise, I would find the phone numbers/locations of homeless shelters, and other social service agencies to provide your son when he asks for money.
Realize that if you let them all move in with you, and any of them don't want to move out, you'll need to go through the eviction process.
A lot of parents of drug or alcohol addicted children end up raising the grandkids. What if you decide to rent them a place, as you'll be responsible for any damage, and also could they even afford utilities, or will you be paying for them also?
People that get involved with drugs and alcohol need to dig their own way out of the hole they have put themselves into. You cannot fix them by throwing money their way. It is past time to stop enabling them for their own good. They may very well use a baby as a way to milk the cash cow, as that wouldn't be that unusual either.
Tough love!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
