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I could use some advice it has been a rough week. Wife and I are in our 60s and retired.
Background:
I love my DD38 but only in small doses. She is high maintenance and exhausting to be around. She is married to an amazing guy. No kids.
She has a lot of health issues, some physical but mostly mental health. Diagnosed ADHD as a kid then depression/bipolar young adult. She doesn’t function well day to day; life is a chore for her. Has not worked since Covid. She has wild mood swings and you just don’t know what trivial thing will make her mad or make her happy. Frustration and anger at the smallest life difficulties. Conversely some small positive thing will send her spirit soaring.
Her and mom have been codependent the past 6+ years or so. DD calls 6-8 times a day. You never know what kind of call it will be. Happy, sad, in between, the weather, her pets, her health etc….
This past year she has been seeing a therapist and it appears to be helping until last week.
There are two parts. The first is working on her “childhood trauma”. She is blaming mom for “abuse” through discipline growing up. Her accusations are so vague and have no basis in fact. Plus I was there and she is not blaming me. Makes no sense.
The second part, which I mostly agree with, is she is standing up to mom’s OCD and control issues. She accuses mom of micromanaging her life and I agree.
These two issues collided last week while we were visiting. I wasn’t there for the incident but it was combination of the phantom abuse and the micromanaging. It ended with the silent treatment from her towards mom. We left the next day as scheduled.
No contact for two days. She calls mom (retired RN) asking about a medical report she just got. Question answered and mom says “are we good?” DD says she doesn’t want to talk about it.
Next day DD calls me about something unrelated. She asks If I heard the convo yesterday. I say yes. Then her tone changed to this stern militant creepy vibe. “Mom and I are not OK. The fact that she asked that tells me she has no idea what is wrong. I will not let her toxicity into my life.”
My strategy is to stay out of it and let them settle it….but this is getting hard to do. It has been a week of mom crying and not sleeping which is wearing on me.
Your wife is crying, because her bipolar adult daughter hasn't spoken to her in 2 or 3 days, instead of calling obsessively 6-8 times/day to vent/share/complain/discuss? Your wife is OCD about micromanaging daughter's life (which seems to need managing)? Are you saying she actually misses the multiple daily calls, even though they can be trying for both of you?
Has your wife seen a doctor or therapist about her OCD? If not, she should. Someone (you? therapist? trusted clergy?) should tell her to back off from pushing daughter around, and work on controlling her impulses.
Has your daughter been given meds for her bipolar condition? If not, why not? I hear they can be very helpful, if taken as prescribed. Results seem to depend in part on the individual case, though.
Once the above steps are taken, a third step might be productive, after (and if )the individuals in question stabilize: family therapy....? If your daughter does well on meds, she may be open to negotiating a better relationship. She may see things in a different light. Especially if her mother stops overdoing the "help" she's giving daughter.
You asked for ideas. Those are mine, based on what little info I had to go on. Best wishes. You have quite a handful to deal with.
Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 9 days ago)
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The two of them are so tangled up with each other it's hard to see where one ends and the other begins. Picture a jumbled jewelry box where all the necklaces have somehow become intertwined.
I think you should book a fabulous trip. May I suggest Cemetery Beach on Grand Cayman. Bring snorkeling gear.
I am of the opinion that children have every right to cease contact with a parent for any reason, and should not be guilted into changing their mind, because this is a form of self-care.
In most cases, the parent has no idea why this is happening and blames the child. In reality, it is usually the parent who is uncomprehending of the reasons behind the rift.
I suggest you stay out of it. You can't fix it and both the parties engaged in it appear to be getting something they want out of it. If either one of them decided they don't want to do it any more, it will stop. But they don't want to stop.
Sounds like they are very enmeshed which would point to the genesis being each of their core wounds intersecting somehow. I am sorry this is happening because it sounds painful for all parties. The only thing I can think of to help is family therapy to call out the dysfunctional behaviors and find solutions that might make all interactions healthier.
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