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Here's one way to interpret what happened. The child at the door is thinking I want mom to prioritize me, I want mom to show me I am important to her by coming to greet me at the door. The swearing outburst was an expression of intense hurt and feeling rejected - mom chose to stick close to boyfriend rather than taking a moment to welcome the child into the house.
Mom's reaction comes from guilt. She knows that her child's life has been far from ideal, and she knows she's at least partially responsible for that. It can be really confusing for a child when their parent has a boyfriend/ girlfriend who is not that child's parent.
When we first started dating. I was an authority figure. Then we decided to make me more of a 'friend' to build the bond with the daughter. However, the daughter was told that I'm now just her 'friend' and she now knows I can't/won't/don't do anything to punish her. So, now she really feels like she can do whatever she wants. Previously, when we were dating I would hear her screeching at her mom in the room and I'd bust in the room and be like "nope, not acceptable. You do not talk to your mother that way."
But, I was quickly removed from that role. And to be honest, it was really good for a while. However, now the daughter is taking complete control. She commands her mother around like a servant.
"I can't wipe my own ass!" - Then her mom goes in there and does it
"I can't open this bottle of water!" - Then her mom opens it
"I can't figure out how to turn the light on!" - Then her mom goes and does it
"I can't go to bed without the TV!" - Then her mom gives her her phone that she was grounded from
"I can't go to bed without you in the bed! Can you lay with me?!" - She's actually gotten better at this. But she still barges into our room without knocking 5 times a night between 12am - 5am and wakes us up. Sometimes even just talking at a normal vocal level. Almost like she's trying to wake us up every time.
I just don't understand...
Her daughter literally experiences zero struggle.
She loves the hell out of her kid.
It is what it is.
I have no idea what to do. I love everything about this woman. If soul mates exist, then she's it. No doubt in my mind.
Last edited by xtremenik; 07-21-2022 at 10:44 PM..
Here's one way to interpret what happened. The child at the door is thinking I want mom to prioritize me, I want mom to show me I am important to her by coming to greet me at the door. The swearing outburst was an expression of intense hurt and feeling rejected - mom chose to stick close to boyfriend rather than taking a moment to welcome the child into the house.
Mom's reaction comes from guilt. She knows that her child's life has been far from ideal, and she knows she's at least partially responsible for that. It can be really confusing for a child when their parent has a boyfriend/ girlfriend who is not that child's parent.
I see what you're saying, but life does not care about what you want or what hurt you're feeling. Your parents are supposed to prepare you for what life is going to be like. So, children shouldn't be coddled. Because if you have any chance to be coddled in REAL LIFE then it is completely random and HIGHLY unlikely that it will happen often. The best way to prepare kids for the real world is to get as close to the real world as you can while still giving them your unconditional love and offering them GUIDANCE, but you don't just DO everything for them. Just paving the way and mowing down the grass for them right before they become adults is not doing them justice. At the moment it might seem like it. But once they enter the real world where they realize that everyone won't do everything for them it is going to be a shock to the system.
You should figure out how to deal with those feelings, and the only person/thing that can teach you to deal with those feelings is YOU. Nobody else can train you for that.
I heard my step father and my mother fighting every single day. He would whoop my ass into oblivion if I came back from grade school with a frowny face in my folder.
Then I heard him yelling at my mother one day "it is either him or me!" and she gave me up to other family members.
I had to learn how to deal with that pain on my own. Nobody ever coddled me. Nobody ever promised me that things would be perfect. I struggled through it as a child, and you know what? I'd never undo those moments because
Curious if the child was being dropped off by a responsible adult, or was she outside playing and the door was locked? Weird that such a detail is missing from this story. No 7 year old I know is dropped off without the responsible person making sure they safely get inside. Or if she was playing outside then the parent keeps the door unlocked for the kid to come back in. which again, when a kid is outside the parent is usually keeping a close eye on them.
anyways,
Two adults can speak and discuss the "incident" and work towards modifying this kids ill chosen words and attitude.
I tend to think this " this is my kid and I'll raise him/her/it/they" as I dern well choose is not going to bode well in intergrading the relationships. How ironic is it that we tell females to never tolerate abuse from a mate, yet from their own flesh and blood its okay to speak with SUCH profanity?? seriously- all this kid is learning is how to treat others with disrespect .
OP- My parents did the pepper on my tongue and once did the bar of soap. I didn't die , though I did "clean" up my vocabulary.
Nope don't beleive in the manipulation story of the parent should rush to the door to all hail the entitled princess.
I'm dating a woman with a child and when her 7 year old came home. She rang the doorbell, and the mom spoke through the ring doorbell that the door was open so she can come in herself. Her child sat outside and told her that she wanted her mom to come answer the door. So her child sat on the steps for a couple minutes because she refused to open the door herself.
Eventually after about 10 minutes the child opened the door herself and came in and walked straight up to her mom and said "next time you're gonna answer the ****ing door." I was blownnnnn away that she spoke to her mom like that. Then her mom just told her she can't talk to her like that and made threats of taking the phone away for the day. Then her mom said "apologize" then her kid said (in obviously empty words) "I apologize."
She asked her "what would you like your punishment to be?" The child said "nothing", and then that was the end of it. Then, LITERALLY, five minutes later her mom offers her an ice cream cone, and let's her just watch tv while she sits on the couch eating it.
I am not the father and I don't have any kids, but am I wrong for thinking to myself...."uhhh how the hell do you let your kid talk to you like that?"
I mean, if that was my kid she would have gotten back handed before she ever finished that sentence.
I feel like the mother (my girlfriend) is rewarding that kind of behavior and she's going to grow into a monster when she gets older. And her child has absolutely no respect for her. She never punishes her. She never follows through on threats/punishments. I feel like this is also going to damage our relationship.
Can somebody please explain to me what is going on with my girlfriend and her daughter? I mean, I don't have kids so that's why I reached out on this forum. Because I dunno, maybe every 7 year old tells their parents "you better ****ing do this" nowadays?
It sounds like you are the physically abusive one, the mom handled it like Dr. Phil recommends, take something away from a misbehaving child they cherish, like their phone, video games, etc. The child apologized, so the situation was diffused. Your way of dealing with the child would have landed you in a jail cell.
I can't work a job.
I can't drive a car.
I have no friends.
Why does no one like my face Tats.
I can't blah, blah, blah cause it makes me too stressed out.
Most fathers would have picked up that kid by the shirt collar and told to never talk like that again and if she wanted in, open your own damned door. At least I would have.
There's a lot wrong with this story, in my opinion. First, how did the 7-year-old get home (I'm assuming from school?) Ride the bus? Someone dropped her off? She's seven years old. There were two adults home. Why wasn't one adult there to meet her at the door for drop off and make sure she got in the door safely? Mom's whole "oh just come in, whatever" through the Ring camera is pretty callous, IMHO." And to have the kid sitting out on the stoop for ten minutes while two adults inside don't even care enough to check on her... yikes.
It sounds like there are other behavior issues and your GF doesn't seem to be using a consistent system if her behavior is out of control... but from what you describe I'm guessing some of this little girl's acting out is because mom keeps her at arm's length.
Here's one way to interpret what happened. The child at the door is thinking I want mom to prioritize me, I want mom to show me I am important to her by coming to greet me at the door. The swearing outburst was an expression of intense hurt and feeling rejected - mom chose to stick close to boyfriend rather than taking a moment to welcome the child into the house.
Mom's reaction comes from guilt. She knows that her child's life has been far from ideal, and she knows she's at least partially responsible for that. It can be really confusing for a child when their parent has a boyfriend/ girlfriend who is not that child's parent.
THIS and this some more, and then add more this.
Here's the deal boyfriend...no child likes the idea of their divorced parents dating other people. Not even one. So, IF you plan to get serious with this woman, you will need to make friends with this little girl.
If you DON'T plan to get serious with the mom, than just stay out of it. Don't offer your advice, and frankly, it'd be better if you weren't even there when the little girl is there.
When we first started dating. I was an authority figure. Then we decided to make me more of a 'friend' to build the bond with the daughter. However, the daughter was told that I'm now just her 'friend' and she now knows I can't/won't/don't do anything to punish her. So, now she really feels like she can do whatever she wants. Previously, when we were dating I would hear her screeching at her mom in the room and I'd bust in the room and be like "nope, not acceptable. You do not talk to your mother that way."
But, I was quickly removed from that role. And to be honest, it was really good for a while. However, now the daughter is taking complete control. She commands her mother around like a servant.
"I can't wipe my own ass!" - Then her mom goes in there and does it
"I can't open this bottle of water!" - Then her mom opens it
"I can't figure out how to turn the light on!" - Then her mom goes and does it
"I can't go to bed without the TV!" - Then her mom gives her her phone that she was grounded from
"I can't go to bed without you in the bed! Can you lay with me?!" - She's actually gotten better at this. But she still barges into our room without knocking 5 times a night between 12am - 5am and wakes us up. Sometimes even just talking at a normal vocal level. Almost like she's trying to wake us up every time.
I just don't understand...
Her daughter literally experiences zero struggle.
She loves the hell out of her kid.
It is what it is.
I have no idea what to do. I love everything about this woman. If soul mates exist, then she's it. No doubt in my mind.
I feel like this is a story you're making up as you go along. You are clearly NOT this little girl's friend, and you're nearly as childish as she is, saying stuff like you would beat her ass.
I feel sorry for the little girl. Her mom is trying to placate you and her daughter at the same time.
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