Official Joke & Humor Thread - Part Deux [MERGED] (Louisiana, Mississippi, North Carolina)

[Steve Bagu]

There is a small general store in a Hillbilly town that had bread on sale sold by a young pretty girl wearing a low cut blouse and a very short skirt.

A man next in line asks her for a loaf of Raison bread which just happened to be on the very top shelf.

She has to move the ladder into proper position in order to climb up to the top shelf.

She climbs up to the top and turns to look down at the next male customer and asks "Do you want one loaf of Raison bread?"

The next man in line responds "No Missy"

She climbs down with the bread for the customer who pays and then leaves.

Now she asks the 2nd man what he wants and he says "I want two loaves of Raison bread"

Again she climbs back up the ladder to the top shelf containing the loaves of Raison bread, turns around and looks down at a very old man standing in line who is looking up her skirt while smiling. She asks him " Is yur all a Raisin too?"

The very old man replies "No Missy, but it is tinglin a wee bit"

[Glacierx]

[Scratch33]

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: The tame way you catch a unique one.

[Rudy53420]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

[Wild Flower]

Rudy....My Ohhh my oh MY! Funny funny too funny!

Spoiler

I was wondering where this thread was lately
... found it! BTW the quick rep is from me

[Steve Bagu]

Wow....that joke reminded me of a similar one that I have not told for many many years.


Seems there was this little boy who would make all kinds of bets from the first time he could talk and would NEVER lose the bets.

His dad when taking the 5 yr old to his first day of school told the woman teacher of the boys betting and if he were to hopefully lose a bet it would cure him of the betting habit......maybe the teacher could help.

So the boy just sits quietly at his seat not saying a word but just looking at the teacher.

This catches her attention and asks the boy what is going thru his mind.

He replies...."you know teach, I will bet you a $1 bill you have the Crabs".

She is taken back by his statement and knows that she does not have the Crabs but will have to prove to him he is wrong while also winning the $1 bet.

So, she takes him into the cloakroom....lifts up her dress exposing her rear and proves there is NO Crabs.

Boy says...." your right Teach, you don't have the Crabs" and pays her the $1 bill.

Teacher is now happy that she made the boy lose a bet and maybe stop him from betting in the future.

During lunchtime she phones the dad to tell him the good news of his son losing a bet.

Dad replies...."well Ill be a SOB, the kid bet me a $10 bill he would see the teachers A$$ before the first day of school was over".

[BlueRiver60]

So this guy is sitting in a bar just looking at his drink. He spends half an hour just staring at it until finally he reaches for it. Just as he's about to grab it this long haired biker steps up next to him, takes the drink from the bar and downs it in one shot.


"Ha ha, whuddya think of THAT, little man?" he sneers.


The poor guy starts crying.


The biker rolls his eyes saying, "Awww, c'mon man, I was only joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a grown man cry...not even a little dweeb like you."

"No, it's not that." says the guy. "This day has truly been the worst of my life. First, I sleep in, and I get to work late. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building going to my car, I find its been stolen. The police said that they can't do anything. So I get a cab to take me home, and when I get out I remember I left my wallet with cash and credit cards in there. The cab driver just drives away with it all. I head into my house and when I go into our bedroom, I find my wife in bed with the pool boy. So I leave home, and come to this bar. And then, just when I've finally mustered up the courage to end my life, you show up and drink my poison."






CHAOS, MAYHEM, PANIC IN THE STREETS! - My work here is done.

[Rudy53420]

Sometimes it's all about the angle...

[motormaker]

IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door ... only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it... Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying ... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..

‘Look Paddy ... there's that bloody idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

[Glacierx]

So Britain and the US are having a competition as to who can screw up their country the fastest and worst.

Currently Britain is in the lead but the US has a Trump card!