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Back in 2016, I met a woman who turned out to be a very close friend of mine. We are both divorced, living alone, love cats, gaming and well we just basically hit it off.
The significance of my friendship with this women became great when during the pandemic, we were all forced to go on lockdown. Since we both live alone, we figured that I'd go and spend my time with her (since she has a full house in Jersey with a backyard and I only live in an apartment in Manhattan).
We cooked great meals with steaks, halibuts, burgers, etc., We gamed, took care of the stray cats, watched good reality TV, and so we were set during the lockdown.
After the lockdown was over, she basically started to hang out back in the city with our other mutual friends, and became a little bit distant, but nothing major.
The problems really started when she would accuse me of doing things and when she would find out she was wrong, she wouldn't even apologize.
So for instance, one day, we all went to the beach and she lost her glasses and blamed it on me. Yet, she finally found them but didn't apologize.
Fast forward to yesterday, she begged me to go to a club in NYC, which I really do not like, but I made the sacrifice for her. After the bartender took forever to serve me (yet served my friend three times), I picked up and left. I did so because my friend asked the bartender if she could serve me but instead the bartender walked away.
I told my friend that her mutual friends are there and to please excuse me but I'm going home. She offered to pour some of her drink in my wine cup, but I said why should we have to accept this kind of service. (She stayed cause her and the bartender are good friends)
Anyway, she called me on the phone telling me to come back to the club but when I refused (as I was already on the train), she told me that I'm very negative and that I should become friends with Aga (a close childhood friend of hers whom she recently unfriended and blocked).
I was taken aback. I told her my leaving the club has nothing to do with her, yet she texted: "I will be having Thanksgiving by myself." She then proceeds to disconnect me from the stray cat camera. I found the notification very hurtful as I loved those cats just as much as she does.
I responded that how could my friendship with her be so fragile for her to cancel Thanksgiving over a bartender's service? I then told her that I'll take my clothes and laptop from her house and leave her her keys.
I then blocked her everywhere so I don't know what her response was.
I'm at a loss for words. I don't know what to do. I really loved this friend but at the same time is this petty? I called another friend of mine for advice and to ask if I should get my stuff from her house when she's at work or when she's home, and she said to do so when she's at work to avoid drama.
But I don't even know if that's a good approach or if I'm being extreme!
I don't know what to do because I don't want to lose this friend, but at the same time I'm probably being an idiot.
Even if your leaving the club had nothing to do with her, it's understandable she feels a little jilted anyway. I don't blame you for leaving, but I don't fully blame her either for feeling put out.
Consider unblocking her after a cooling-off period of a few days and see if you can patch it up. If not, then I guess "fragile" describes the friendship more so than was readily apparent until now. Your friendship looks to be built mostly on mutual need for company during the silly lockdowns. When the circumstances changed, it appears the nature of the friendship did as well. Kinda sucks if true, but sometimes friends come and go and friendship can be fleeting.
Even if your leaving the club had nothing to do with her, it's understandable she feels a little jilted anyway. I don't blame you for leaving, but I don't fully blame her either for feeling put out.
Consider unblocking her after a cooling-off period of a few days and see if you can patch it up. If not, then I guess "fragile" describes the friendship more so than was readily apparent until now. Your friendship looks to be built mostly on mutual need for company during the silly lockdowns. When the circumstances changed, it appears the nature of the friendship did as well. Kinda sucks if true, but sometimes friends come and go and friendship can be fleeting.
She returned access to the kitty cam a few hours ago, but the notification winded up in the spam folder cause I had her blocked. I guess that may be an olive branch, I don't know...
Thank you... I am taking your advice as far as the removing the block.
There is a power imbalance in the relationship. She blames you when she can't find something. She owns the home that you moved into. She expected you to stay and be disrespected by her friend bartender. She "unfriended" you when she didn't get her way.
Definitely move out. If she reaches out, take baby steps in the relationship so she knows you are not a pushover. She sounds like a lot of drama.
I'm sorry this has happened to you. But we need more information.
The main point you left out: Were you still living there or had you moved back to your apartment in the city, when all this mean-girl stuff started?
What were the financial arrangements during the time you lived with her?
One theory is (if you are still there), you overstayed, and she didn't know how to tell you, so started trying to force you out with meanness. Some people do act that way instead of just being honest. I've never understood why, but it happens.
Yes, go get your stuff when she isn't there, to avoid drama, leave the keys and a nice little "thanks for the good times" type note.
Not all friendships are destined to last forever.
Do you have other friends, who are not involved with her or her friends?
EDIT: On the other hand, maybe hand the keys over in person and ask for a signed receipt, so she can't blame you for anything later.
I have no idea of what happened with your friend. It might not even be you. It could be something in her life that's bothering her and you have no idea about.
I'm sorry this has happened to you. But we need more information.
The main point you left out: Were you still living there or had you moved back to your apartment in the city, when all this mean-girl stuff started?
What were the financial arrangements during the time you lived with her?
One theory is (if you are still there), you overstayed, and she didn't know how to tell you, so started trying to force you out with meanness. Some people do act that way instead of just being honest. I've never understood why, but it happens.
Yes, go get your stuff when she isn't there, to avoid drama, leave the keys and a nice little "thanks for the good times" type note.
Not all friendships are destined to last forever.
Do you have other friends, who are not involved with her or her friends?
EDIT: On the other hand, maybe hand the keys over in person and ask for a signed receipt, so she can't blame you for anything later.
{{Hugs}} Catsmom is correct we need a bit more information. However, if you were back in your apartment, my guess is your friend is a bit needy and loves attention. You were treated horribly in the bar. Your friend should have chastised the bartender (her friend that was possibly jealous) for treating you so shabbily and left the bar with you. A true friend shows solidarity in unpleasant situations.
I’m sorry you’re having to go through such a painful time. It happens to all of us at some point in our lives. If you really want to continue a friendship with this woman, my advice is to not say or do anything for a few days to let the emotions cool off. It’s not good to make decisions or take actions when one is upset or angry. It rarely works for the best.
After a cooling off period, I would write a friendly (non accusatory) email and layout your concerns. Maybe she will make an effort to change.
In the meantime, make an effort to enjoy your other friendships or just keep yourself occupied so you don’t dwell on the situation too much. And remember, things will get better and you might be happier in the long run without a drama queen in your life that doesn’t have any empathy or consideration for your feelings.
Lastly, possibly she was just using you for companionship (she couldn’t get anyone else to move in) during the lockdown. We’ve all been used by others and it’s always painful. Although possibly she was sincere, but is just capable of being thoughtful of other’s feelings. Best wishes
Sounds like things got a little too close for comfort.
Moving in during the pandemic is a pretty big step, for any relationship. Did you stay there the whole 2 years? Are you still there??
Oh no, I kept my apartment. I would only visit during the weekends.
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