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Who wishes another a Happy Birthday and THEN adds that they have cancer and are beginning chemotherapy?
I did not say what she needed prayer for - it could have been anything from a job promotion to a sick cat. I have three sisters and I did not mention her name.
It's odd that you made a nondescript statement about a sister on FB & she blew up. I agree with everyone who said don't post on FB, but her reaction was over the top.
Just playing the devil's advocate, after you cut off contact, is she looking hook you into her drama in again?
No specific cancer? Just cancer & chemotherapy? Wouldn't chemotherapy target a specific area of her body?
It sounds so fishy. She could really have cancer, but might not.
What do your sisters know about this? Has she told them? Are you the only one who knows?
It's odd that you made a nondescript statement about a sister on FB & she blew up. I agree with everyone who said don't post on FB, but her reaction was over the top.
Just playing the devil's advocate, after you cut off contact, is she looking hook you into her drama in again?
No specific cancer? Just cancer & chemotherapy? Wouldn't chemotherapy target a specific area of her body?
It sounds so fishy. She could really have cancer, but might not.
What do your sisters know about this? Has she told them? Are you the only one who knows?
I agree with you. Perhaps asking for "prayer and positive thoughts" was not the perfect thing to do, however, I kept it private in that I never mentioned her name, and I did not say that it was about health. She wanted prayer so I asked. In a general way.
She will always try to hook me into her drama. Short of changing all phone numbers or blocking her, which my husband has done already. She had a habit of trying to call me, and when she did not get through, to me, she would harass him.
She refuses to tell me what type of cancer she has, what stage, or anything. This coy, secretive and calculating behavior is part of her personality. It's to maintain people's interest in the "subject at hand" and to hook you into her drama. She loves attention.
Two sisters will not deal with her at all. I have cut one sister out of my life because she is toxic and abusive. In a more malicious way than this one is.
It IS fishy, at the very least. However, this is how she operates. I only feel at all sorry for her because she is emotionally ill. There may be a question about cancer, but there is no question that she has untreated psychiatric issues. Honestly, my sister's entire personality could be described as "fishy".
So, I am going to have to be tested for the BRCA gene, although I am asymptomatic.
A while back I wrote about my younger sister who was critical of every gift that I have ever given her. At best, she is difficult and attention seeking. At worst, she is critical, hysterical, and can idealize you one minute and verbally tear you to shreds the next. I am quite sure that she has borderline personality disorder.
She lives in another state, and I had attempted to have a very superficial relationship with her consisting of sending greeting cards, memes on Facebook, and exchanging gifts on birthdays. I ended the gift giving when she harshly scrutinized a few presents that I gave her at Christmas time. Her birthday passed in August, and I sent a card, nothing more.
She had demanded a gift card to Whole Foods and wanted to send back or return the gifts I had bought her, She went through each gift, listing why it was a poor choice and was almost at the point of tears because I had the temerity to send a blush-colored silk pillowcase which would not go with her color scheme. This was NOT a regular pillowcase; it was the type that one uses to prevent wrinkles and messy hair.
I told her that I was DONE with giving her gifts. That she had hurt me deeply, and that I do not accept "orders" when it comes to gifts. I further told her that if she didn't like the gifts, she could donate them to a charity. There were many calls after, and long messages on my voice mail "suggesting" and practically begging for a Whole Foods gift card or a current novel. She insinuated that I do not have good taste, and that buying her "books" or Whole Foods Gift Cards would be more appropriate.
While I was never going to abide by these outrageous and insensitive demands, I also felt very hurt. Hurt enough to post here.
Most recently she called me from a hospital and said that she thought she had cancer and she was awaiting results. She was demanding that a nurse speak to me on the phone, since I am a former nurse in her state. She sounded regressed, like a little girl, and elevated my status to that of Nurse Practitioner to the poor nurse with whom she was arguing. I could hear her in the background. Both the nurse in NY and me, were telling her that if she wanted me to be privy to medical information, she would have to sign a release. Speaking to me on the phone would be a violation of HIPPA laws.
Finally, she just asked me to pray for her and hung up on me. She usually hangs up on me.
So, I thought that the least I could do was to ask my Facebook friends to keep my sister in their prayers. This led to yet another explosion because I had made her situation public. I did not mention her name, or say that it was medical - I just asked for prayer. She became outraged, calling me over and over on the phone. Both phones. I took down the post.
That was in September. I hadn't heard from her until October when she wished me a happy birthday in a text and told me that she had cancer and was going to have chemotherapy later that day. She also said that she wanted to call me right now. We NEVER speak on the phone - every conversation dissolves into my sister speaking a mile a minute, complaining about the problem du jour, and ultimately, I say the wrong thing and she hangs up. I said that I thought we got along better when we texted, and that I was very sorry to hear this. I then asked what type of cancer she had been diagnosed with, and what stage she was in. I also wrote that cancer was NOT a death sentence and that I knew of many people who were in extended remissions or cured.
She replied "That is something I won't tell you in a text. You'll have to call me for that."
So she can text "cancer" and "chemo" but she can't text the type of cancer, which would be important to me as a close relative.
She is NOT a Facebook friend. She would create havoc on Facebook. She cannot comment on my posts, only message me through Facebook. Or call me.
Honestly, I am not sure that she even HAS cancer. She may or may not. It could be a childish ploy for attention and sympathy. I know that she has told other relatives because she bragged about how helpful they had been. One sent fruit and another gave her a "Mantra". She does not treat any of my relatives or my other siblings this way.
The Mantra and the flowers did not involve three-hour conversations where she alternately criticizes, demands, and vents. My other siblings also distance themselves from her. With the relatives, she is very good at playing the aggrieved party, and when I set boundaries, she complains that I "don't let her speak".
NO. No one in my life is allowed to rant at me for an hour or longer.
I have told her to see a therapist, but she has explosive arguments with every therapist she has ever seen, She becomes outraged when they suggest psychotropic medication - which the ALL DO. Then she rants about wanting to find a "natural doctor".
I think I am upset because she unleashed the "C" word. Our mother died of cancer when we were in out early 20s. There is something about the word "CANCER: that makes people drop everything and reconcile. In the case of this sister, I just can't do this. Helping her would be a full-time job. One I want no part of doing.
What would you do? I just can't stand being ordered around and critiqued. She is coy and very conniving.
Holding back the type and stage of cancer is just another manipulative tactic of hers.
If you have read all of this, I thank you.
If this were my own situation, this is how I would handle it. There would be no phone calls because she abuses her privilege of calling you. There would be one gift card on her birthday, to Whole Foods only, and the same at Christmas. No Facebook at all, as she will undoubtedly mortify you with random, crazy posts on your page. Texting is fine, you have the option of deleting, blocking, etc at your own discretion.
Your sister suffers from several personality disorders and you have no choice but to love her from a distance. You must form boundaries by which she can't allow her problems to become yours. She may have cancer, she may not. Just remember that no matter what you do, she is not going to be happy with it and she is always going to rant and make your life miserable, so long as you allow it.
If she refuses to elaborate on her cancer diagnosis, you should assume it's not true and tell her so. If she does elaborate and she does have cancer, just let her know that you are there for her if she wants to talk, but you are not going to tolerate her bad behavior anymore. If she can talk to you in a normal way and you can reciprocate with a caring attitude and that works, then fine. But, if she starts on her rants again just simply hang the phone up. I know you love your sister, but you can love her and let her know you love her from a distance and that's all that is expected of you as a sister. I'm very sorry that you're going through this, I can't imagine that type behavior from any of my sisters, but my boyfriend had a sister just like yours. He sends cards on her birthday, invites her to eat at Holidays, is polite and takes her home. There are some people that you just can't deal with and your sister sounds like one of those. Be nice, be polite, be loving but when a line is crossed - hang up.
Reading your story, OP reminded me of my former relationship which only lasted 18 months because I couldn't stand it anymore. I ghosted him for a couple years after he went completely off the rails about a minor issue, sending over 100 nasty texts in one night. This went on for a while. I don't know what was truly going on at that time, because I had moved away, and I never could count on him telling the truth. While with him I began to realize he has 8 of the 9 traits of borderline personality disorder. His mother had also told me he was diagnosed schizophrenia at age 19 (something he had never told me - obviously). Due to his suspicious nature, it is probably actually paranoid schizophrenia. I learned from a psychiatrist that schizophrenic people are very good at hiding their illness and are highly manipulative. They will push you right up to the breaking point and then stop. They know the limit. They know what they can get away with until the cops are called, if you will. I had a schizophrenic neighbor 36 years ago who pushed me down on the driveway. I didn't 5150 her, that happened in another incident she started with someone else.
It's difficult to tell whether mentally ill people have a good grasp on their disruptive actions. From my experience, there are times when they do understand that they are a problem. But plenty of other times they are so lost in their illness that they truly don't comprehend what's going on or that their attitude and behavior is unacceptable. I wrote about that in my thread "understanding the alcohol brain." There was some good info and advice there from other posters.
IMO your sister needs a professional diagnosis and treatment. But like others here have said, borderlines are VERY difficult to convince to get treatment. She probably won't. I watched several videos created by actual borderline patients on YouTube. Once they decide to get treatment they do better, though not completely. Most borderlines will not capitulate to professional treatment. They seem to prefer their dysfunction. They pull you close and push you away, which is only one of the things that your sister, OP, is doing. Another thing they will do is say something hurtful to offend you, then push back when you don't like it. A couple weeks ago he said to me, well nice talking to you "congested nose." That's a good example of their passive aggression. Stirring up trouble where there is none. So... I said something to my ex via text the other day, something that was true... he totally denied it. Borderlines are in denial. The only option is to go no contact or ignore them when they act out. In a couple days they text like nothing's wrong, completely changing tacks, and on the cycle goes.
Yes. Borderlines are difficult to diagnose and resistant to treatment. She does seem to enjoy her dysfunction. I have even read that they are essentially "untreatable".
Also, she can be very hurtful, and intentionally so. She has had MANY professional diagnoses. Several therapists have told her that they will not work with her unless she agrees to taking a psychotropic medication. She becomes infuriated when that is suggested and drops out of therapy.
YES! As with your friend who called you "congested nose", they enjoy saying offensive and hurtful things. They love to stick you with little hurtful comments. Often their comments are rather small, but they know just what to say, and when to strike. It's the kind of comment that when repeated might make YOU seem overly sensitive.
Once, I had short hair and I was in the process of growing it out. It looked a little like a shag haircut. This sister said, "so what are you going for, the Rosanne Barr look?" I was unhappy with my hair, and she knew it. Comparing my hair to Roseanne in the 1990s - or anytime, was and is, hurtful. They never say that they are sorry and say that they "forget" ever saying it, or never did.
This may sound crazy, but Borderlines can almost evil.
If this were my own situation, this is how I would handle it. There would be no phone calls because she abuses her privilege of calling you. There would be one gift card on her birthday, to Whole Foods only, and the same at Christmas. No Facebook at all, as she will undoubtedly mortify you with random, crazy posts on your page. Texting is fine, you have the option of deleting, blocking, etc at your own discretion.
Your sister suffers from several personality disorders and you have no choice but to love her from a distance. You must form boundaries by which she can't allow her problems to become yours. She may have cancer, she may not. Just remember that no matter what you do, she is not going to be happy with it and she is always going to rant and make your life miserable, so long as you allow it.
If she refuses to elaborate on her cancer diagnosis, you should assume it's not true and tell her so. If she does elaborate and she does have cancer, just let her know that you are there for her if she wants to talk, but you are not going to tolerate her bad behavior anymore. If she can talk to you in a normal way and you can reciprocate with a caring attitude and that works, then fine. But, if she starts on her rants again just simply hang the phone up. I know you love your sister, but you can love her and let her know you love her from a distance and that's all that is expected of you as a sister. I'm very sorry that you're going through this, I can't imagine that type behavior from any of my sisters, but my boyfriend had a sister just like yours. He sends cards on her birthday, invites her to eat at Holidays, is polite and takes her home. There are some people that you just can't deal with and your sister sounds like one of those. Be nice, be polite, be loving but when a line is crossed - hang up.
Very good advice. You are very perceptive. Thank you for your post.
Two sisters will not deal with her at all. I have cut one sister out of my life because she is toxic and abusive. In a more malicious way than this one is.
Sibling dysfunction... when I was a little kid, I used to beg and plead with my parents for a sister (not that it was guaranteed, mind you!) Never got one. My mother said that she itched during her entire 2 pregnancies and especially with me, the 2nd one. It probably wouldn't have ended up being the dream situation I fantasized about. No doubt she would have triangulated me with that sibling, just like she did with my brother. I still would have liked a sister but there are no guarantees, as evidenced by so many people on here and people I've talked to IRL.
She refuses to tell me what type of cancer she has, what stage, or anything.
So, I am going to have to be tested for the BRCA gene, although I am asymptomatic.
Why?
Hopefully you realize there are many cancers that have nothing to do with the BRCA gene...including the majority of breast cancers. BTDT and testing proved it. I ended up getting tested for the benefit of my two sisters and niece. None of us carry it. Even if you do happen to carry this gene, it isn't a foregone conclusion that it will express itself in the form of a malignancy.
If you feel the need to test for one specific gene because of something your sister alluded to, sounds as if she successfully manipulated you into unnecessary personal drama/anxiety one more time. OTOH, there's no real reason not to be tested or if there's other family history of BC. Just be prepared to pay for the test yourself. Often need to show justification (like having a direct relative with breast cancer) before insurance will pick up any of it.
Last edited by Parnassia; 11-02-2022 at 04:30 PM..
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Why? 
