Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My "mother" was the type who put me with her parents to raise and lived off my child support. Yes, that is ancient history that I have long since gotten over, but merely setting the stage for my post.
She abused drugs and alcohol her whole life and continues to do so to the extent to which she can. She absolutely cannot care for herself and should not live alone (see also my post about this under caregiving so I don't have to re-hash).
Aside from her constant using of other people, her substance abuse, and her choices to not be a productive member of society, she is also the kind of person who absolutely sucks the air out of a room. No one wants to be around her, and when she is around, you can see people's shoulders quickly being sucked up under their ears.
Most people have written her off completely, and she has no one to turn to. My personal psyche would also be better off to be separated from hers.
However
I am the only person she has. If I would not leave a stray cat in that condition, why would I leave a human- any human- like that.
Again, I have gone down the caregiving route, so please don't make those suggestions here- go to caregiving.
Finally, the question: I work 60 hours/week/3 jobs, and have 2 kids and a spouse. My time is extremely limited. She wrecked her car (good news for people in North Dallas that she can no longer drive), so she asks me to bring her food, lend her money, give her rides.
Most of the time the answer is simple and truthful: I can't because I am working. For the very few minutes I do have each month (and she will keep hounding me until she finds out EXACTLY when those are), she will attempt to fill them with her stuff.
I recently told her that I had no interest in enabling her poor choices, and that I am simply refusing.
Don't feel guilty. You have to put on your own oxygen mask before you assist others. Continue with APS and/or look into not-for-profit or community organizations that can provide some assistance. Meals on wheels, transportation for seniors, etc.
Being familiar with your recent thread about your adult daughter, this sounds like an issue of porous emotional boundaries and your resistance to saying no to people close to you.
I honestly would recommend counseling for yourself so you can learn healthy ways to say no to and stop perpetuating the toxicity in those relationships.
My "mother" was the type who put me with her parents to raise and lived off my child support. Yes, that is ancient history that I have long since gotten over, but merely setting the stage for my post.
She abused drugs and alcohol her whole life and continues to do so to the extent to which she can. She absolutely cannot care for herself and should not live alone (see also my post about this under caregiving so I don't have to re-hash).
Aside from her constant using of other people, her substance abuse, and her choices to not be a productive member of society, she is also the kind of person who absolutely sucks the air out of a room. No one wants to be around her, and when she is around, you can see people's shoulders quickly being sucked up under their ears.
Most people have written her off completely, and she has no one to turn to. My personal psyche would also be better off to be separated from hers.
However
I am the only person she has. If I would not leave a stray cat in that condition, why would I leave a human- any human- like that.
Again, I have gone down the caregiving route, so please don't make those suggestions here- go to caregiving.
Finally, the question: I work 60 hours/week/3 jobs, and have 2 kids and a spouse. My time is extremely limited. She wrecked her car (good news for people in North Dallas that she can no longer drive), so she asks me to bring her food, lend her money, give her rides.
Most of the time the answer is simple and truthful: I can't because I am working. For the very few minutes I do have each month (and she will keep hounding me until she finds out EXACTLY when those are), she will attempt to fill them with her stuff.
I recently told her that I had no interest in enabling her poor choices, and that I am simply refusing.
Now I feel guilty
WWYD?
I'd do everything I could to set up a system that provides for your mother's needs with little or no direct input from you, other than managing the system. I'd insist on access to her funds and financial info as a condition for helping her at all.
Food can be delivered. Meds can be delivered. Given what I read in your care giver thread, I suspect that she qualifies for some type of in home assistance, if not placement in an assisted living facility. I'd force those issues and at least get some in home help.
I'm not sure I could, but this only works if you're willing to walk away altogether if she won't let you have what you need to provide for her needs, or if she won't let it work once it's set up. You're in a tough spot and I wish you luck.
IMHO, do the minimum that you would do for a friend or neighbor. Maybe tell her that once a month, for three/four hours you can take her grocery shopping, to doctor's appointments, etc. And, don't feel guilty. Do you think that your mother ever felt guilty about her poor parenting of you? I doubt it.
In my previous apartment my nest door neighbors were in their middle 90s. They could not drive and their one daughter had a similarly busy life. They had virtually everything done by delivery. Groceries delivered, medicines delivered, occasional fast food delivered, needed items ordered on Amazon, etc. etc. They could have received Meals on Wheels everyday but both still liked to cook.
And, when they needed to go to a doctor's appointment they used Uber or the elderly/handicapped transportation van. They hadn't used a car in (I believe) 15 years and managed just fine.
Does she live with you?
Did you offer help to get therapy and get clean?
Did she refuse to get her act together?
She is your mother and I understand how you feel. I would inquire about her wellbeing without her knowledge, of course - otherwise, she will want you to do the chores, rides etc.
I would have a short conversation about what you tried and what she didn't follow through. I would ask her to sit down and think about her messed up life or get her crap together and try to find a job and make living.
Then I would go on with my life and only help her with life-threatening situations.
You did enough.
I'd do everything I could to set up a system that provides for your mother's needs with little or no direct input from you, other than managing the system. I'd insist on access to her funds and financial info as a condition for helping her at all.
Food can be delivered. Meds can be delivered. Given what I read in your care giver thread, I suspect that she qualifies for some type of in home assistance, if not placement in an assisted living facility. I'd force those issues and at least get some in home help.
I'm not sure I could, but this only works if you're willing to walk away altogether if she won't let you have what you need to provide for her needs, or if she won't let it work once it's set up. You're in a tough spot and I wish you luck.
I just reread your thread in caregiving. This is excellent advice. Good luck.
Perhaps see a counselor if you feel guilty. IMHO, you have no reason to feel guilty. I bet that your mother never felt guilty about what she did to you.
Last edited by germaine2626; 07-30-2019 at 12:00 PM..
Being familiar with your recent thread about your adult daughter, this sounds like an issue of porous emotional boundaries and your resistance to saying no to people close to you.
I honestly would recommend counseling for yourself so you can learn healthy ways to say no to and stop perpetuating the toxicity in those relationships.
I don't disagree with this, and not the first time I have heard it. I am not quite "there" yet, and I truly don't WANT to say no to most people. I want to be that person who lends a helping hand even when they themselves are drowning. I am not strongly Christian by any definition, but feel that using the WWJD philosophy crosses over into all religious philosophy. It is how I choose to live. I may make a different choice one day, and, again, not disputing what you say. Thank you!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
