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Well from the other side of the fence my sister has never liked me for no reason I can understand. 7 year gap, apparently things were pretty good till I came along after which my mother sort of fell apart in way too long to get into. My mother is a good person but did not have the mental/emotional werewithall to be a great mom. Still, from my perspective my sister had 7 normal years and I had none. Not only did I have a somewhat absent mother and father working 2 jobs but a sister who told me she hated me all the time. So as near as i can tell she hated me for being born and ruining everything and never gave that up. She would pull the mom loves you best thing all time which was crap, sure I was the baby but honestly I'm not sure I ever felt really loved by anyone most of the time. She also blames my mother for not being June Cleaver and what essentially amounts to a mental illness which is out of her control.
When I was a kid I of course craved my sisters approval and attention which I never got. I spent 50 years of my life sort of ignoring how really distant and awful she was and feeling like a an unwanted orphaned puppy as a sibling till a few years ago when I finally sort of saw things in the harsh light of reality and said **********...I don't have to like her either. I am still the same with her, pleasant, keep my mouth shut to get along..for my mother's sake. Once my mother is gone I don't expect we will have contact. Which makes me both sad and angry. Our childhood would have been much easier to bear if we had had each other. That we didn't was entirely her decision. If you met my sister you would like her, probably more than me but from my perspective (and her ex and current husband and my mother) we know she can be very very cold.
interesting as i sit here having had the same argument I've had with my mom for years - she has always lamented (audibly.....and so often) how my sister and i can't stand each other, hate each other, yada yada yada..............i have asked her to let it go (we are now 60 and 63 - i am the youngest) - that constantly harping on it is not healing the situation. But it comes up again and again - i just went through 5 days of it and finally packed up today and said I cannot take this anymore - i'm heading home.
The thing is , it is my sister who has always teased me , pushed me, done mean things since we were little kids and I'm sure that pattern was set long before I can remember. I was always accused of having a bad temper, something I noticed I did not have once I was away from her. As an adult, she continued to provoke and then feign surprise when I would get upset or react. I spent my adult life on pins and needles whenever she would visit, for my parents'' sake.
Finally, after a series of events, culminating in her sending me a letter telling how she never liked me , doesn't like me as an adult and pointed out all my failings, i said enough and pretty much kept her at bay and didn't promote a relationship with her and my kids . not too hard - she lived on the other side of the country.
Now, we are long since grown - i made efforts in later years to seek her advice during a hard time - to establish a relationship- it was ok but frankly she relished the fact that she could brag to my parents about her sage advice etc (i had no idea at the time that she was sharing my emails etc with my parents along with her observations- this between two adults in their fifties- not too cool) -
but back to the matter at hand, with the death of my father two years ago, the situation grew difficult again - her drama - her centerstaging it - and somehow i became the problematic baby of the family again - i finally stood up to it and voiced that as an adult, i was rather pissed with her attitude and that i didn't appreciate my mother facilitating it. With that, my mother begin to beat the drum about my alienating my kids (all now grown) from my sister and denying her that relationship - and then my sister also harped on it - and i again, took them back to things such as writing hateful horrible letters to someone and then thinking that person would just embrace the idea of your kids spending the summer with their nasty auntie who hates their mother and everything she believes in. So i'm the bad guy - the problem - the thorn in the flesh - i asked my mom to drop it - that i wasn't going to carry the guilt of it - that my sister and her constant attacks on me and her annoying behavior to my kids was what alienated her from them - that they chose on their own to not be involved with her because she is obnoxious, pushy, irritating and a royal pain in the butt.
But my mom will not stop - I had to walk out on a 86 year old woman, leaving her at her doorstep, wondering if i will ever come back. And knowing that my mind cannot handle the conversation again - if i say stop, she doesn't. There is no healing it - if I talk to my sister, she puts on her therapist voice (Oh yeah, she's a "therapist" - god help us) and tells me how i did do all those bad things and then goes over all my failings as a person etc.................and how there is hope for me in rehabilitation that i might one day be like her (i'm exaggerating - i could never achieve that in her eyes)
the only three people on this earth who witnessed this are my sister, my mom and myself. We put on a great show of a lovely family - nice people don't fight . The two of them are convinced i'm the mean one. I can't stop them - I try - I change the subject - i remain silent - i apologized for what failings i did have / do have that i acknowlege - but i can't and won't anymore take the accusations of something i didn't do - the piling on of it - the recriminations for something I not only didn't do but couldn't change the effects if i did - silence/ignoring/refuting - none of it worked - i value my sanity - i value my life - i have no idea why i am spilling this out other than i guess I wonder if anyone else has been caught in a family dynamic such as this and has any idea what one does -
right now, my plan is to move as far away from everyone as possible - i already skip holidays - i avoid phone calls - i keep things brief when cornered - the only way seems to be family divorce..........sad situation.
Overall I've been glad that I'm an only child & I'm still glad!
Even though I've never personally experienced life with siblings, from what I see around me, on the news, crime/forensic shows, etc., a LOT more families/sibings do NOT get along more than people may think.
My boyfriend has an evil twin bro & 2 younger siblings. He's only close to his younger bro, really. His twin is a narcissistic, extremely materialistic, insincere, boastful, thinks he's God's gift, miserable, flirty a-hole...& I can go on & on.
Last edited by Forever Blue; 01-08-2013 at 06:10 PM..
Wow..Whats up with the evil twin stories and twins who don't speak? My siblings are twins, same scenarios posted.
Hehe. One got the good strand of DNA and one got the bad strand. I don't know, but I had a bible thumper tell me once, "Oh dear, how can your husband and his twin not get along? I thought all twins had a good connection." She had been reading too many bible stories I think.
I have a brother I don't talk to anymore. At least my husband and I live in parallel universes of not speaking to our siblings. I found out my brother was a very cruel, hard-hearted guy, always suspected, but never knew the depth of it till I had a catastrophe in my life years ago. I was beyond shocked w/ his actions/inactions. He's total passsive/aggressive and has a scary sadistic streak.Ouch. His treatment of our parents toward the end of their lives was another piece in the puzzle about his behaviors.
Really though when you step back from it, it's sad that these types are so unhappy, miserable (most are) or needing therapy that they create these scenarios and misery for those around them. If theywere more adjusted, happier people (no one is completely, but at least a work in progress), they'd create more good than bad.
Anyone seen Home for the Holidays? I hated this movie because it seemed like such an obvious case of two against one. The two screw ups hate the do gooder sibling. While my own family dynamics are not at all like the family depicted in the movie I didnt like the way the one sister was put on the outside. To me just seemed to be trying, trying to be normal in a dysfuncional family and got nothing but grief for it Directed by Jodie Foster too.
That was precisely the point. So you got the right thing out of the movie. It was part of that genre of holiday films that don't sugar coat and pretend dysfunctional families don't exist. I have no siblings but dysfunctional cousins and I don't even bother with"family" functions. Too much drama.
Overall I've been glad that I'm an only child & I'm still glad!
Even though I've never personally experienced life with siblings, from what I see around me, on the news, crime/forensic shows, etc., a LOT more families/sibings do NOT get along more than people may think.
My boyfriend has an evil twin bro & 2 younger siblings. He's only close to his younger bro, really. His twin is a narcissistic, extremely materialistic, insincere, boastful, thinks he's God's gift, miserable, flirty a-hole...& I can go on & on.
Very true. My parents have been treated awful by some of their siblings. And my cousin bullies his younger sister. It's really sad.
I'm not sure if I can call it hate but it's getting to the point where feel like throwing a 24pack of soda at my sister's head...she's becoming a real prick!
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I don't know, but I had a bible thumper tell me once, "Oh dear, how can your husband and his twin not get along? I thought all twins had a good connection." She had been reading too many bible stories I think.
