Parents Whose Adult Children Refuse to Speak to Them

Hello......I've read some of these messages, and I guess I should elaborate on the one I just wrote. It's amazing to find out I'm not the only one this has happened to....I had my daughter when I was older, she was all I had in the world except for my own mother, and a half brother I really am not close to. I realized very early on it was better for us if her dad wasn't in the picture. My daughter would have had nothing if he was in our lives. I didn't do a very good job of picking a significant other, but then, that's a whole other story.
I was awarded sole custody of my daughter, my mother , who I was very close with, died when my baby was 8 months old. I had absolutely no other family. All threw my daughter's life, I did everything I could to make a good life for her. we didn't have all that much money, but I always made sure she had more than she needed..we were very close, we did everything together...she met a boy in high school ,when she was 18. To make a long story short, she left home to be with him. I had no idea she was.going to do that, but when she didn't come home one nite...or the next day, or the next..I called hospitals, and her friends, any one I could think of, till finally someone told me she had just desided to leave home with this boy.
It felt like my world had stopped, I couldn't breath, my heart broke and there was this big hole where my heart should have been ....I was so lost, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I felt like I'd been betrayed. I couldn't stop crying.
Well, after four months I desided to hire a private detective. This man found my daughter in Colorado, I'm in the midwest. My daughter married this guy she left with and they had two kids....
She finally contacted me after the second baby was born...I gave her money to get a bus home...they all came and lived in my apt, then they found one of their own. She hadshe had a third baby...things weren't going good with her and her husband so she she left him and the two kids came and stayed with me...( Her first baby they left with his mother in Colorado.)
While she was.here she found someone on the internet she got interested in...she sent her two kids to stay with a friend of hers in another state and she went to Florida to see this new guy. She stayed, and she and this new man have two kids of their own now....it's been nearly three years since she left here the second time now ....and I only hear from her on messanger once in a while. I've never talked with or met this new.guy. I text her and send her at least $100.00 every month...but she hardly ever texts me back.She always says her internet isn't working right, etc. Shes all I have. I never see my grandkids..I don't know what I did to make her not want me in her life. So often I feel as tho there is nothing to live for any more...

Raiynna..Hello.I have absolutely no one to talk about this to.I love my daughter, she is 26 years old. My daughter is in Florida with her partner, and they just had their second child...I test her all the time, but hear less and less from her...as of now it's been a.month since I heard from her.i don't think she has any use for me in her life any more, and it hurts so badly.I can't make.her want to talk with me, but I text her an hello message nearly every day.

I am grateful to find a group like this. My two adult sons do not talk to me. The oldest is gay - I haven't seen him(his choice) in 15 years. My younger son is 28 and he has stopped talking to me about 3 years ago - I can't help thinking the older son has influenced this. I was always close with my boys. I am devastated by their behavior. My oldest son just got married. I was not invited, of course. It was so painful looking at pictures on FB with him and his step-mother and father. He has embraced the step-mother and tells her he loves her on FB. My oldest son sent me an email at age 18 while he was away at college, telling me he was gay and saying he was not coming back home. Now, my two boys, their father and step-mother are one big happy family. How do you ever get past this pain?

Count me in if everyone is still on here. Rampant, no matter what country you live in...What happened to families?

Wow I can't believe I found a group I can tell my pain to. Well my story starts with the christening of my granddaughter. But before this I must explain I have 2 grandchildren a little boy and almost 2 years later a little girl. When our little grandson was going to get baptized my son and his wife didn't want us to have a little ceremony to celebrate the name of of our little grandson that took his grandfather's name (my husband's name). They absolutely refused to have any kind of ceremony giving us the excuse that she was then 5 months pregnant and just didnt want any fuss. So we respected their wishes although my husband was disappointed because it is a big deal in the family when they give the grandfather's name. Anyway as my story continues our little granddaughter came into this world, a beautiful little girl, in which I hardly saw cause my son's wife is a germ freak and I believe that she didn't want to have the ceremony for our little grandson because of this issue she has. Well now we are baptizing our little granddaughter only this time my son informs me that they will have a small ceremony at her grandmother's house because the little girl is named after her grandmother, so I tell my son that we will not be coming because it is not right that you celebrate his wife grandmother and you didnt want to celebrate your own father when we baptized the little boy. Well we went to the christening but not to her grandmother's house and now it has been 3 years that my son refuses to talk to us because we made a fool out of him by not going.. Well I told him we werent going so if he didn't tell them then that is his problem, cause we were serious when we told him we were not going. What do you all think of this, was I wrong not to go..

I'm saddened and happy to know I'm not alone.
My story starts at 14gasp I get pregnant, I'm from a very messed up family. So long story, my daughter is born, mind you at this time I'm a very strong young woman the youngest girl of all and the matriarch lol. I take care of everything that needs a hard touch. My sister introduced me to my ex at 17 in a bar. At that time my daughter and I have a apartment 2 doors from my mom, I got my ged start going to school, and work 2 part time jobs. He was from a political upper crust family, course they don't like me. I never told anyone in my family how he abused me in every way, he "gave" me to his best friend, emotionally I was beat down, physical abuse and all this time I'm still the champion for my mom, and sisters lives, I got pregnant with my second daughter he adopted my daughter and we got married. My family saw snippets of the abuse, because he made good money my mother said " your stupid if you leave him". So I'm a pta mom, dance mom, softball mom. My girls and I did everything together, he couldn't be bothered. My oldest daughter is 16 and beyond out of control my baby, my baby girl was almost 8 she ran under the dining room table and held her ears rocking during one of these fights. MY AH HA MOMENT. So we have a family meeting of course my kids want to stay, I've already been told threw out this time I would never get my children, political family remember. So the depression starts hard, I get the kids as often as I can. He still had hope I would come back, he didn't file for divorce till I got a serious boyfriend years later. He stopped my visitation witch threw me in a destructive faze, starting to use drugs and became homeless, this lasted two years. I've been clean 12 years and my children now 31 & 26 won't stop punishing me he told them he had to stop visitation because I was doing drugs not the truth but reverse. They come in and out of my life so much I didn't meet my granddaughter till she was 2 then back out again, this passed year I was in a coma for 2 weeks dew to complications of a condition I have. My youngest had poa she practically lived at the hospital. When I do wake up , the Dr said I had a heart attack in the coma. 3 days home my boyfriend of 11 years leaves me , I have a triple bypass and was alone most of the time I called crying and upset she said I have to do everything for you, you would have nothing but for me. I'm tired of being your caregiver. That was September of last year. She got engaged my niece said it was on Facebook. My niece is an artist she paints wine glasses, my daughter ordered a set for the bridal party including a mother of the bride. HER STEPMOTHER, who she used to call stepmonster. I thought she would want to have her mom but nope. I'm alone sorry so long

I'm having the same problem with my daughter. I married at 18. Had my first child at 19, a boy and then almost 4 years later my daughter. I didn't work after I had my daughter so I could be with her. Unlike when I had my son. We had nothing and I had to work my butt off bc my husband was using all the money on drugs. He was off then on then off and on again. I tried to make it work. He was a good dad. Our marriage lasted 19 yrs. there was a lot of bad stuff going on and he did everything he could to turn them against me. He has. Even successful with my daughter. She is cold, calculated, says things to embarrass me, makes fun of me and now she just flat doesn't want to talk to me. Now I jumped ahead so let me go back. One night my ex and I had a bad fight. Kids were at the grandparents spending the night. I had been planning on an escape for a while. So after that abusive night I left and secured my apt. My daughter was 14 and my son almost 18. They did choose to stay with him bc of not wanting to change schools. I understand that. It hurt but I get it. After that she was against me. My son saw a lot bc he was older. He and I are so very close now and I love it. He even says he doesn't know why she's acting this way. He says she just looks for anything to ***** about. I've always been civil with their dad but he continues to be ugly to me and talk me down to my kids. Just to sum it up. I'm sad. So very sad. Depressed. She walks all over me. I work hard and tell her I work hard and she says I work too hard. Then when I do nothing I'm not engaged in her life. I think she likes the torturing of me. I swear she does. I can see her just smiling and reveling in the pure hell she puts me through. I said I would never give up on my kids. But what do I do now? I'm so depressed I do nothing. I don't want to do anything. I have MS and can't work. I was a nurse. She became a nurse and makes fun of me bc I can't work. Takes digs at me and says she's busy bc SHE works. I told her I want to wipe the slate clean and be civil bc I'm not always going to be here. Her response. "We'll see". I'm so drained I've given up pretty much on everything.

I've just found this. My saga goes like this. At 18 I was pregnant, sort of forced to marry. (this is where I decided I needed to speak up for myself) After 3 yrs and another child I left him for the last time. (drinker & abuser). I remained friendly so my children could see him & stay with him as much as possible, summers usually. After several years and another partner I left. (good guy, I just didn't want to live in another state) Raised my children another couple of years alone. Another marriage, which had it's pluses & minuses. Now kids grew up, on has a masters & a great job in the working for the environment, a boss, owns his own home & has a son from a one night stand. His older sister was my best friend all her life, a pleaser. She is married to a great man (not perfect) has two children, she went back to get her masters & is a head teacher at a pre-school. Same as I was. All of a sudden he dropped me and seemed embarrassed by me. My daughter said I was the only one she trusted to help raise her son. We moved to another town to do so, a few yrs later they moved away. After a few yrs it was apparent I needed to divorce my now active alcoholic husband. I moved back to my hometown. My son quite talking to me around this time. My daughter was still coming to see me and visa versa. Then I noticed I wasn't getting my call returned from her. I would hear things like I'm not June Cleaver, OH MOM, just little snarky remarks until she emailed me about how I had beat them with anything and everything. I was so against corporal punishment that I once made them kiss before I let them go back to play. I was the time out queen. Their step mom was the one who hit them with sticks & hoses. I was called manipulative & controlling. I found out my daughter was having sex & understood, even got her on the pill. I was a very liberal parent, as were mine. I have no idea were it's coming from but I've been reading about it. Seems I gave my children to much power over what happened. They hated me for leaving the one guy. Even though I talked to them first before we decided anything. Apparently I didn't demand respect. My parents never had too. I was a great mom, a fun mom & I'm sorry my children are hurting but I sure as hell don't deserve this. Part of me says I don't want to be near people who are so manipulative and part of me feels so guilty for I know not what.

Hi March 2011 at my aunts funeral was the last time I spoke and saw both of my adult children. Since then my daughter got married a few weeks ago and I found out on Facebook! a year earlier she had a boy. I havent even met her 'husband'. I knew where she lived up till a couple of weeks ago and now she has moved.
I left their abusive father in 1998 after I couldn't take his womanising, emotional and financial abuse any longer which had now escalated into other forms of abuse. I took my children to my parents. After going through the courts, a year later he was evicted from the house. But he continued with his vendetta and eventually we were moved by the Police in 2001. I had to 'fight' to get child support (even though he had money and good job but was self employed) he did everything possible to hurt me. He was not too bothered about the children, never looking after them when they were ill, taking time off work for them or taking them anywhere - that was always down to me. We all got used to it being the 3 of us. I felt sad for my children but didn't want them round a narcissist who only wanted to see them when he had nothing else to do. He then went off and had a child with someone and I met my soulmate. My son loved my soulmate who was good to him but my daughter resented him. Both of them didnt want to see their father at this time due to his unreliability. My daughter at 15 rebelled, soon after my boyfriend got cancer and died. I was devastated. My daughter got worse, saying I must blame her which I didnt and told her that. After her telling me she wished I was dead and stole off me, etc. my father suggested she live with him and my mother. At that time my son didnt want to know her. I guessed she had been seeing her father and knew the things he would tell her . . . that it was my fault we split up and were happy etc. all lies. Eventually my parents couldn't cope with her and she went to live between her father and friends - I had always hoped she would come back home, her bedroom is still the same . . . that was 12 years ago. Eventually my son started the same behaviour to me . . . talking back to me, violence - smashing things up, shouting at me, being secretive . . . all the things their father did. At the time, my father had tried to take on a father figure role with my son . . . he then died of cancer too. Day before my dad's funeral our dog was run over, day after the funeral, the dog has to be put to sleep. My son had just lost his first job . . . and had a breakdown. Soon after he started seeing his father, then he started the shouting and abusive behaviour towards me, like his sister. He had been depressed and wouldn't work, my mother and brother suggested he go to live with my mother. But he got worse and ended up leaving and going to live with his father.
I couldn't believe my children would believe his lies, even though he had brainwashed me for years for lies.
I would try to meet up with both my children but eventually they didnt keep in contact with me and now my son has changed his mobile no. No Christmas, Birthday or Mothers Day cards for 4 years now. I still send cards to them (when I know where they live).
They visit my mother every so often, my brothers and sister have nothing to do with them.
The first Christmas was the hardest, my friends (who have been great as some know the situation) tried to get me to come to them . . . but I sat in the house and took an overdose . . . obviously couldn't do that right as Im still here . . . just was pretty sick the next day.
Everyone knew how close me and my children were and I lived for them.
At 25 and 28 I cant do anything now as Im so hurt and angry with them over what they have done to me. While their father has 2 more children with 2 other woman, neither he is with, has a girlfriend who been married twice and has 6 children! But my children seem to think this is all normal and happy family. While I fell out with my sister and her siblings and mother over my children I only speak to my brother as my other brother moved away and hasn't kept in touch with anyone! I feel so alone, whilst their father never paid all the child support which put me in debt even when working, but I always made sure my children got what they wanted. He now has lots of money and can take them places - so he now buys them whilst I have nothing but live for my next pay packet. Im 51 and might as well be 81 as at least I would be nearer dying age then I am now. I try not to think about it by working evens and going out with friends, but the house is full of reminders of photos of my lovely boyfriend who died, my lovely father and my dog.
Im sorry this is so long but I will never understand how they could do this to me, but seem to feel I should have stayed with an abusive man and be unhappy all my life. They know the truth as I have sent them the court papers where he said he never wanted them.
The sad truth is I don't think I can ever forgive them or forget what they have done . . . I still remember them as children and not the adults I don't know.

In case anyone is interested in additional reading on this topic, there is a thread in the Retirement Forum entitled "Retirees who are estranged from their adult children".