Surviving Infidelity

Married 22 years, two grown kids. He goes off his rails and has long term affair with 35 year old, trailer trash from his office. I had worked at the same organization for 35+ years. So humiliated? oh yea.

I was ready to file for divorce after her soon to be ex, came and told me, shared emails etc. He begged for marriage counseling to save the marriage.

After six months, he announces he can't be happy with me. So I file for divorce. He was probably cheating with her during the counseling. The guy has told so many lies over our marriage, I feel quite stupid.

Oh, I have MS. Approached him numerous times about divorcing because I knew MS ruins marriages, like any chronic illnesses. Instead he cheats with his *****. My kids were devastated.

Any parent who raises kids, tries to teach them values and then cheats breaks a child's heart.

I am over the affair, mostly. I get pangs periodically. We are in the same house. Its for sale. He leaves to go spend the evening with her after her two young kids are in bed.

We haven't split the assets, but hopefully the house will sell soon. I can set up my own home and move on. I will never marry again. Financially I should be okay. So my challenge is just to manage the MS and knock a couple items off my bucket list.

I am already to the point, where I would never take him back, lost all respect for him (mainly because she is such a low life) and happy to be moving on. Can't wait.

My mind exploded years ago when I found out that my then-fiancee had been secretly-cheating on me with my so-called "best friend" {in my own home, in my own bed while I was away working; being expertly-played and manipulatingly-used}.....later on I found out that she had been doing "escort service" as well behind my back {and who knows WHAT else? And with exactly HOW MANY men/women?}. I gradually began to realize that I didn't really know this female as well as I foolishly-thought that I did.....I began to question EVERYTHING as time went on....."Who *is* this person anyway? I don't even KNOW her.".....I had caught her in WAY too many lies already. I later on began to finally see and hear that some people simply have no conscience nor shame at all.

She actually came back to me a year after she ripped my heart out and actually had the nerve to tell me: "I think I might have made a mistake.". I guess out of all those other guys that she was messing with, not one of them were there for her? AND her kids {one of whom she actually named after one of her lovers who stupidly-thought that he indeed was the father when in fact it was another guy; my so-called "best friend" who really fathered the kid. Her other kid, on the other hand, she already had when I first met her}?

Anyway, I have been single since the Nineties now. Happily-single. Sincerely. It took me years to pick-up the million pieces that were my life, and I put it back together again, at least enough to get a good solid base for Stronger Healing Growth.....guess I had to hit rock-bottom. I once heard that you have to hit mighty-low in order to start finally LOOKING UP.....

I now do realize that I overrated too many things. Many of those things were simply lies too. I am now more aware.

"I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware......." -Linkin Park

But truly, I have never been happier in my life; FACT. My life is very peaceful. Considering that I wasn't born yesterday, I have definitely noticed that I cannot live with someone anyway considering how organizingly-meticulous I am in that *EVERYTHING* has to be exactly where I put it whether it's my powerdrill, the screws, the tools, my CDs in alphabetical order, my books, the pencils and pens, how I wash and hang my clothing with the hangers all facing the same way, how I want my food prepared to the letter, how I sew, where my shaving materials are, etc. Heh. Yeah, that's the kind of person I am {I do not call myself O.C.D.}, I have always been like that since I was a kid and I realize that I am not easy to live with, hence me preferring to date only females who are perfectly-happy HAVING THEIR OWN PLACE {and they don't want to give it up either}, 'coz I need to live ALONE myself, ha.....that way in case things go sour, well, she has her own place and I have mine. Easy enough. Clean-cut. No extra emotional baggage. I am *SO* definitely not the marrying kind either. In my life I have seen thousands and thousands of people cheating on each other already.....

I do realize that not all women are like my ex.....but I also once heard: "Do we ever REALLY ever know another person?"

Ten years ago I also once heard that most people cheat. I didn't like that when I first heard that. I still wonder about that though. I personally have never cheated, but I will confess that I have definitely been tempted, as many understand.......


"Never make someone a priority in your life when they only make you an option in theirs." -something I read somewhere

Surviving infidelity in a marriage is or most always is impossible..I have been dealing with the attempt for 5 years. The hurt never disappears and when the other woman has provided you with explicit, personal details of the affair, those visions appear at any time and cannot be ignored. Sometimes I wonder if divorce is not the best solution for everyone. I was 63 yr old at the time my husbands 5 year adulturous affair was publicized county wide because they were caught in a very public location under very embarassing circumstances and he was a well known public figure who had been involved in public services, was chaplain of the public service organization where they were caught. He had been a very active volunteer there for over 39 years. He was Sunday School teacher of the other woman, her husband and my class. She was well known as a person who had been involved in notorious activities since she was 13 years old when she became an unwed mother while working in a age old profession for women. My husband was not local and would not listen to my description of her and insisted that she was a good woman who took her grandchildren to church and attended his sunday school class regularly. He sang gospel music in our church and any other church or nursing home who would ask him to perform.. He was very egotistical and so was she.
After they were caught, he seems to think that everything should have been forgotten as soon as their activities were revealed and he declared that any feelings he had for her ended when he realized he was very likely going to lose everything he had. We had been married over 40 years. (She told me they had discussed marriage but decided they did not want to). He told me it was never an option for him but that his main priority immediately became trying to save what he could of his family. He said she only told me these facts because her ego would not let her accept or admit that there was never that option with her. I will ever forget the intensity of their affair and he told me that he did love her but was always "in love with me" (WHATEVER THAT MEANS). I can't let him ever forget what he did and how many people were devastated by what he did. We have 2 daughters. One tells me that she would have left him and moved on which is what she has done in her own 1st marriage but for a different reason. The other daughter says everyone is human and makes mistakes and I should forgive, and move on. Neither of them has dealt with the same situation but both of them have been embarrassed and hurt by what he has done but they still love him and do not let it affect their relationship with him. I filed for divorce and was assured that I would win any settlement we sought and that she could also be sued for monetary compensation because she knew our family very well and definitely knew that he was married.
I was employed in a very responsible position and I had to retire because I could not maintain the standards I set for myself and deal with the pain and confusion I was forced to handle through my pain and her harassment with all the details she happily gave to me.
I feel hatred, betrayal, confusion and yes, still love for the s.o.b. I remain married to. I very very often wonder if I have chosen the best solution or the one which requires less decisions which would turn everything I believed in when I married him a personal failure. I remain, after 5 years, full of hatred, bitterness and still in a marriage which meant absolutely nothing to the man I chose to spend a lifetime with. He still swears to do everything possible to prove that he loves only me and will never let anything make me doubt him again. That is what I wish I could accept but have not been able to do. He says I am SICK because I continue to hold onto what he and she did for so many years and were able to use our money for motels and gifts, our boat to spend summer afternoons parked with her in coves on the lake and time devoted to her which could have been used on our relationship.

My wife and I have been married 7 years and together for 10. I caught her in an affair last week and discovered she has been talking by text to 2 other guys for several months. This is a woman I would have never dreamed would go outside our marriage. She said she wasnt happy with our marriage for some time but I had no signs of the fact. I cant get the image out of my head ... we are trying to get things right again .. I just hate she had to do this behind my back with all the deception .. I am humiliated .... any advice to put this behind me ?

Hi to you all,
I'm a new member to this group, tho I don't know if you're still in the support group loops any more. I'd love to share my story and get some feedback, but will hold off until I know members are still active. I especially want to address a post from January made by greggsmom as I can totally relate.

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I found someone who treated me like a queen, married him in less than a yr then he cheated with an underage person and is in jail now. I plan to divorce him but it hurts and the shame of it all

Hello I have been married for 18 years I am 42 and my husband 48. We have two children 13,14 years of age. I found out this may that he has been cheating on me with numerous women one night stands and others. No protection. Just forced him to get tested with me and thank god negative. He tells me to get over it and we need to move on I can't he doesn't really seem that sorry. He doesn't understand the pain. Not getting me gifts or paying attention to me but courting and undressing and waking up with someone else while I think he is away on business but that was not the end he would cheat during the day then come home to me. Red rood inn. Philadelphia area. Children know and are very disappointment. I really want to leave I am educated and know I deserve someone who loves me not just there; please help.

Have you tried counseling? If you find the right therapist to talk with about your feelings, you might see things more clearly. Not my business - but please don't have an affair - the hurt and agony it would cause would be incalculable - not just to you and your husband but your family and his family and the families of the "other" person. You just cannot imagine the damage . . . please don't think I'm speaking out of turn. But I know from personal experience!

My situation is unique in that I married the best husband in the world, however, he was a poor boyfriend. He cheated on me all the time for 8 years. The only reason I took him back was because of his honesty and confessions about every dirt he felt he needed to tell me. And then we were engaged a couple months afterward. Now married. It has been 3 faithful years. He is the best husband any woman could have. But the only problem is... I'm just not in love with him anymore. I don't believe in divorce for religious purposes, but I also don't believe that it's fair to him that I feel this way behind his back. As for the infidelity part, I've never taken the step. But I do fantasize about another man that I could've been with. And it has not hit me so much harder becos he is now engaged to the women he's been with for years. However, I know for a fact that we could've been together had I not been so head over with my bf, now husband. but I never made room for him. And so he never left his girl, and just settled with her. Also, she was a friend of mine, but we're not that close, she's just really nice, and I wanted to respect her, so I never got in the way. Now that he's engaged, it's starting to hit me that I realise how much I've been pretending with my life. I love my husband, he's the best friend I've ever had, despite his mishaps, but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. I want so bad to confess everything to the man I'm in love with, but it's too late, their engaged. And why would he want to mess with me? I'm married. So now it really just comes down to my self identity. What do I really want in life? And how am I going to go about it without causing a lot of pain? Should I head out before it's too late? before I have kids? Or just stick it out and maybe after my crisis I might just fall in love with my hubby again? Any advice?