Hi everyone this is my first post in the Grief Recovery Group. You see I seem that I can't let go of everyone I have lost over the years the first being my sister who died of suicide of the tender young age of 25. She was a substance abuser and was institutionalized at a woman facility in MA called "Framingham Correctional Institution". She was under a 15 minute suicide watch. The guard went to check on her and found she had put a piece of tissue in her peep hole. The guard opened the door and took the tissue out and told her not to do it AGAIN. This should of set off bells and whistles. She should of checked on her five minutes later or put her in another holding cell with only wearing a paper Jonie and a bare mattress on the floor and bedpan for bathroom privileges with a camera in the room so she could be constantly be watched but instead left her in the same room with sheet on her bed. When she went back TWENTY MINUTES later (all documented in her log book, my father got all the copies of her records which was like pulling teeth which took about six months to get, but with political ties he got them). The guard found my sister laying on the floor with a sheet wrapped around her neck and the sheet tied from the top bunk bed!!!! At this point she was already dead but the guard started CPR and got her heart beating again...they called the paramedics which took her to a hospital in Framingham. I had just left my house to go grocery shopping just about to get into my van when my boyfriend at the time came running outside and said I had to come back in the house it was an emergency. I went back in the house he took me into the bedroom held me by my shoulders looking deeply into my eyes, you see even though there is a nine year age difference in our age me being the oldest we were best friends, he told me what happened and instantly my knees buckled under and I fell to the floor. The pain was so intense in my heart I thought it was going to explode. My father and step-mother picked me up and we went to the hospital. Of course she was in the intensive care unit and when we went in to see her I burst into tears and my father was completely devastated he completely fell apart. We consoled each other while my cold blooded step-mother just stood there. You see it was her fault Maureen killer herself. She was to be released the next day and phoned my father and asked if she could stay with him at their condo, they had an extra empty bedroom. My step-mother said NO. Maureen didn't want to go back to our hometown knowing she would go back to her old ways and she wanted to stay clean with the help from my father, he was always there for her when she needed him. That's why she hung herself she was sick and tired of being sick and tired...You see my step-mother always let her two sons live with them when they were in a jam and needed a place to stay and my father fully supported them, no charging any rent and paid for all there food, that's the kind of man my father was...he was my HERO...well Maureen had a very strong heart and it took until the next day to die...also there was a guard posted outside of her door!!! I went to guard and asked her why she was there I said, "What do you think, she's going to get up off the bed and try to run away!!!" She replied back to me, "She's state property and I have to stay here until she dies!!!!" I sat there watching the Dr. doing the tests making sure she was brain dead pushing a big fat needle filled with ice water into each of her ears getting no pain response. He then put a pencil between her toes and them pushed them down and squeezed them again no pain response she was then pronounced CLINICALLY DEAD!!!! She started getting goose pumps all over her body stupid me of course she was and only had a sheet on her covering up to her chin. The nurse complied and got a nice warm blanket and covered her up. She had blood coming out of her nose, eyes and ears. Such a horrible site to see. My father and step-mother had left the room he was so devistated and she was consoling him outside of the room, they had a long bench surrounding the intensive care unit. I sat with Maureen I wouldn't leave her side holding her hand when the maching started making a very loud beeping sound...My father and step-mother came running into the room and stood there because I was alrady sitting ther holding her hand, the nurse ran in checked Maureen and said this is the end, I look at the monitor and watched it flat line...the nurse asked us to leave so she could clean her up and we could say our final goodbyes...I ran out of the room crying so hard I thought I was going to pass out, again the pain was so intense I really thought my heart was going to explode. The nurse called us into another room where Maureen laid on a bed again with the sheet up to her chin. I went to her sobbing along with my father, I then stood up and pulled that dam sheet down to see what they were hiding, now I wish I hadn't I had nightmares after. Her throat from her chin down about four fingers wide was purple and red again I thought I was going to faint, I got dizzy and fell into my fathers arms and he held me tight while we both sobbed thogether. We finally kissed her goodbye and left to go home. Till this day I talk to her everyday, I can't get her out of my mind, I am on a waiting list seeking therapy to try to get over all my losses, oh there a quite a bit more that I will share at another time but now she was my first loss. I use to go to her grave everyday for two years, my Dr. said this was very unhealthy and told me to stop, so I stoped. I then got a new job and guess what it was right down the street form the cemetary where she is buried, I started having my lunch hour talking to here. I used to ask her if she was cold in the winter, I use to lay on her grave, was I losing my mind? Nobody tells you how to handle grief. I still can't handle it because family members keep dying!!!!
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Grief recovery- Share your loss
For those who have lost a parent, spouse or child and need a place to chat with others who understand your pain