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Keep in mind that times were different back then. Part of the reason for closed adoption was to protect it from being discovered that a woman had had a baby out of wedlock. The shame was great, and often a young pregnant woman was sent away to "visit relatives" or some such when she was really in a home for unwed mothers, where her child would be taken from her at birth and given to an adoptive family. Then she would return home, forever unable to tell anyone of her loss, and often marry someone who would never learn that his wife had once had a child.
In other cases, in the days when women stayed home once the pregnancy began to show, a young woman who had gotten pregnant would be kept inside on the pretense of some illness, and then her mother would confine herself to the house as well, and then when the time came, it would be told that the mother would have given birth to the real birth mother's "sister" or "brother".
Even close to this day and age, I knew someone in a similar situation. A woman I worked with about 25 years ago lost her mother, and when she read the obituary, she was not listed as her mother's daughter. She asked another sister why she was omitted, and her sister said, "Didn't you know that <oldest sister> is your real mother? She had you when she was 14, so Mom raised you as if you were her baby." She was in her thirties, and no one had ever told her.
What might seem cruel and wrong now was once seen as a solution to a societal problem. We can't judge what people did back then based on what we know and perceive to be the norm now.
That's true. My mother's mother was adopted to and it's weird I don't feel the same sense of anger. My Mom-Mom died at 57 and she was an alcoholic. She died when I was 7, so maybe there's that. Mom did learn from Mom-Mom's family that Mom-Mom was adopted from a family friend in 1939.
As for dad, I was close to Nan. I considered Nan to be my mom and I used to tell her, "I wish you could adopt me." She accepted me for who I was, she even accepted my religious journey. She believed I was my own person and I needed to live a happy life. I can't have kids and when I was depressed about it, I wish she would have said something.
On the other hand, mom mentioned when she couldn't conceive, she asked Nan about getting in touch with the birth parents and Nan said no. Dad has no interest in finding them. Maybe he tried before or Nan tried before and they were met with a "NO." That could have been painful to them both and who knows, maybe they learned of the truth and it was better just not to contact ever again.
Yes, some birth parents want to leave it in their past, and some adopted kids don't want to meet birth parents.
My niece was adopted by my sister and BIL as an infant. My sister left a note in the file saying she would be OK with her daughter looking up her birth mother when she is 18.
But my niece is 32, and she learned enough to know that her birth mother has been in and out of rehab all her life, gave up two other children for adoption, and lost custody of two others she kept. She knows she was conceived in a rehab and her birth father is only listed as "dark-skinned black male named Jim".
She has chosen not to find her birth mother. She doesn't think it would be a positive meeting. She is very close to her adoptive parents as well as two brothers from her dad's first marriage. I guess that is enough.
Yes, some birth parents want to leave it in their past, and some adopted kids don't want to meet birth parents.
My niece was adopted by my sister and BIL as an infant. My sister left a note in the file saying she would be OK with her daughter looking up her birth mother when she is 18.
But my niece is 32, and she learned enough to know that her birth mother has been in and out of rehab all her life, gave up two other children for adoption, and lost custody of two others she kept. She knows she was conceived in a rehab and her birth father is only listed as "dark-skinned black male named Jim".
She has chosen not to find her birth mother. She doesn't think it would be a positive meeting. She is very close to her adoptive parents as well as two brothers from her dad's first marriage. I guess that is enough.
I guess so. I think a lot of my problem is, I wish I had family that celebrated the holidays I celebrate. While my family accepts me now and loves hearing about my new journey and the next step, I don't really feel like I belong. I never really felt like I belonged. I guess it would be nice to have family to go to for my holidays.
I'm ace and there will be no significant other or spouse in my future. Maybe it's coming from that. However, there's no guarantee that dad's birth mother celebrates, if she is even alive.
It's weird I feel this and my dad doesn't. I knew since I was a young child that I didn't quite belong. I don't look like any of my grandparents. Mom-mom might have since she turned to alcohol and died young. From all the stories I've heard and from what I remember of her, she was depressed most of her life. Mom complains that I take after her.
Who knows. I get where your niece is coming from. If I knew that, I wouldn't be interested either.
I guess so. I think a lot of my problem is, I wish I had family that celebrated the holidays I celebrate. While my family accepts me now and loves hearing about my new journey and the next step, I don't really feel like I belong. I never really felt like I belonged. I guess it would be nice to have family to go to for my holidays.
I am sure you know that there are many people who felt that they didn't fit in with their families. People who have chosen to follow paths that the rest of their family did not follow, such as a different religion. This is true in families where everyone is related by blood. While it's perfectly natural to wonder about adoption and its place in the life of your family, it sounds to me as though your feelings aren't really tied in to your parents' adoption but are due to broader feelings of belonging, or not belonging.
My best friend told me that the reason grown children and parents don't get along when they live together as adults is that God is trying to nudge the children out of the nest. I think that's true. In your case, you seem to be blaming everything under the sun on your parents. If you did that to me, I would've gladly helped you find your own apartment.
That said, I come from a family of adoptees, foster kids, divorces, secret pregnancies, etc for generations. Who cares? Who cares? Just love and respect each other. And if you don't get along, move out so you can keep the peace. Build your own future, don't worry about decisions made in the past by other people.
MQ's post is excellent. That is how it was and sometimes still is.
My best friend told me that the reason grown children and parents don't get along when they live together as adults is that God is trying to nudge the children out of the nest. I think that's true. In your case, you seem to be blaming everything under the sun on your parents. If you did that to me, I would've gladly helped you find your own apartment.
That said, I come from a family of adoptees, foster kids, divorces, secret pregnancies, etc for generations. Who cares? Who cares? Just love and respect each other. And if you don't get along, move out so you can keep the peace. Build your own future, don't worry about decisions made in the past by other people.
MQ's post is excellent. That is how it was and sometimes still is.
I'm dealing with a controlling narcissist who doesn't want me to leave and makes it financially impossible to do so. So... I'm stuck and with health issues to boot. That's why I want to know where I come from. I have serious health issues that no one else in my family has. (I also don't want to live in my area, there are no job prospects; I work two low paying jobs and I want to get to an area that has better employment opportunities and I want to get far away from the controlling narcissist.)
With that said, I am kosher. I am celiac. I am lactose intolerant. I can't eat Italian and who cares? Seriously who cares? I don't force them to eat my food and they need to lay off. Controlling narcissist and the other one is just reacting because that is how he copes with her narcissism.
I don't belong in my family, however, I really don't belong anywhere. Even after I convert, I will never belong. I've had different life experiences and I'm an outsider. Even after years of therapy, I have come to accept I will never truly belong anywhere.
I'm dealing with a controlling narcissist who doesn't want me to leave and makes it financially impossible to do so. So... I'm stuck and with health issues to boot. That's why I want to know where I come from. I have serious health issues that no one else in my family has. (I also don't want to live in my area, there are no job prospects; I work two low paying jobs and I want to get to an area that has better employment opportunities and I want to get far away from the controlling narcissist.)
With that said, I am kosher. I am celiac. I am lactose intolerant. I can't eat Italian and who cares? Seriously who cares? I don't force them to eat my food and they need to lay off. Controlling narcissist and the other one is just reacting because that is how he copes with her narcissism.
I don't belong in my family, however, I really don't belong anywhere. Even after I convert, I will never belong. I've had different life experiences and I'm an outsider. Even after years of therapy, I have come to accept I will never truly belong anywhere.
I get it. My children and I, as well as several of my grandchildren, also don't do well with breads and dairy so we avoid them. There are also other health issues. I don't care genetically where that came from. Maybe my birth dad's side of the family or possibly my mom's birth dad's side, but I'll never know and it doesn't really matter. It wouldn't help us deal with it any better.
My cousin also has been plagued with mysterious severe health issues. Get this. We were told as children that my Grandma was fostering her, then she moved to my great aunt's family where they fostered her, then my other uncle and his wife adopted her. Lo and behold, when Grandma passed the truth came out, she was actually our REAL cousin, secret child of my other deceased aunt and a married man whose family threatened them if the truth came out. That was shocking for all of us to find out.
My point is that many of us have crazy family pasts and health issues. It doesn't help at all to continue to look backwards at what other people did and as an adult and let that hold you back. I also would feel uncomfortable if I chose to live in my parents' home as an adult. Of course it feels like he is controlling you.
I just want to encourage you to get as healthy as you can, maybe do your own scrapbook with goals. And earn and save as much as you can so you have the financial capability to make your next move when you're ready.
I'm dealing with a controlling narcissist who doesn't want me to leave and makes it financially impossible to do so. So... I'm stuck and with health issues to boot. That's why I want to know where I come from. I have serious health issues that no one else in my family has. (I also don't want to live in my area, there are no job prospects; I work two low paying jobs and I want to get to an area that has better employment opportunities and I want to get far away from the controlling narcissist.)
With that said, I am kosher. I am celiac. I am lactose intolerant. I can't eat Italian and who cares? Seriously who cares? I don't force them to eat my food and they need to lay off. Controlling narcissist and the other one is just reacting because that is how he copes with her narcissism.
I don't belong in my family, however, I really don't belong anywhere. Even after I convert, I will never belong. I've had different life experiences and I'm an outsider. Even after years of therapy, I have come to accept I will never truly belong anywhere.
Have you ever done your DNA? Doing it may help you. You should get matches that will tell you if they really are your bio parents. You may even find some DNA cousins that share your health issues. That was one of my goals when I did mine, to see where my health issues come from. Seems like the back issues definitely come from my dad which I knew, cause he had a bad back too. I've connected with cousins who also have it in their family. If you're interested in doing your DNA, ancestry is on sale for Mother's day for $59.
Ancestry health has been discontinued, I had not done it yet. It says it can detect classic Ehlors Danlos Syndrome which is a connective tissue disorder. I have some form of a connective tissue disorder, so bummed that the health test is gone. I've done 23 and me's health test, I wasn't impressed with it. Ancestry says it used a newer technology then 23 and me. They don't really give an explanation of why they stopped. I have not found what side the connective tissue disorder comes from. I think that's my "mothers" side.
My "mother" and 2 "siblings" are nothing like me. It's wonderful not speaking to them in 15 years. The younger one stalks me online. I guess she doesn't have anything better to do with her time.
As I've told you in the past, I know how it feels to "not belong". I'm the only one with blond hair and gray blue eyes. My "mother" is blond with hazel eyes. I get the eyes from her side though, my cousin is the same as me. I do look like my dad though but I think I've told you before that there was question on whether he was my father or not so he ignored me until I was 11 when he grounded me for the whole summer for something I didn't do that the "siblings" said I did. I decided to go to work with him every day which brought us closer but there was always something I couldn't figure out with the way he treated me every now and then which I found out when I was 40. With my "mother" it was because I resembled my brother who she adopted out which I learned at 30.
I'm dealing with a controlling narcissist who doesn't want me to leave and makes it financially impossible to do so. So... I'm stuck and with health issues to boot. That's why I want to know where I come from. I have serious health issues that no one else in my family has. (I also don't want to live in my area, there are no job prospects; I work two low paying jobs and I want to get to an area that has better employment opportunities and I want to get far away from the controlling narcissist.)
With that said, I am kosher. I am celiac. I am lactose intolerant. I can't eat Italian and who cares? Seriously who cares? I don't force them to eat my food and they need to lay off. Controlling narcissist and the other one is just reacting because that is how he copes with her narcissism.
I don't belong in my family, however, I really don't belong anywhere. Even after I convert, I will never belong. I've had different life experiences and I'm an outsider. Even after years of therapy, I have come to accept I will never truly belong anywhere.
How? Do you not handle your own money?
I also don't understand the hyper-analysis of "where do I belong"? I wouldnt waste precious "life" time on it. Most people work and pay bills. No time to analyze useless info in the big scheme of life, no?
Have you ever done your DNA? Doing it may help you. You should get matches that will tell you if they really are your bio parents. You may even find some DNA cousins that share your health issues. That was one of my goals when I did mine, to see where my health issues come from. Seems like the back issues definitely come from my dad which I knew, cause he had a bad back too. I've connected with cousins who also have it in their family. If you're interested in doing your DNA, ancestry is on sale for Mother's day for $59.
Ancestry health has been discontinued, I had not done it yet. It says it can detect classic Ehlors Danlos Syndrome which is a connective tissue disorder. I have some form of a connective tissue disorder, so bummed that the health test is gone. I've done 23 and me's health test, I wasn't impressed with it. Ancestry says it used a newer technology then 23 and me. They don't really give an explanation of why they stopped. I have not found what side the connective tissue disorder comes from. I think that's my "mothers" side.
My "mother" and 2 "siblings" are nothing like me. It's wonderful not speaking to them in 15 years. The younger one stalks me online. I guess she doesn't have anything better to do with her time.
As I've told you in the past, I know how it feels to "not belong". I'm the only one with blond hair and gray blue eyes. My "mother" is blond with hazel eyes. I get the eyes from her side though, my cousin is the same as me. I do look like my dad though but I think I've told you before that there was question on whether he was my father or not so he ignored me until I was 11 when he grounded me for the whole summer for something I didn't do that the "siblings" said I did. I decided to go to work with him every day which brought us closer but there was always something I couldn't figure out with the way he treated me every now and then which I found out when I was 40. With my "mother" it was because I resembled my brother who she adopted out which I learned at 30.
Big hugs Jessie!
I did 23&Me, but I want to do Ancestry. I think I'll order a kit because I think that may be more helpful than 23&Me.
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