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OP: You have no idea if this man even knows that he is adopted. Leave things as they are with the message to his Mother.
If she chooses to contact you and tell him she will, otherwise it should be clear to you if you do not have ccontact to leave them alone.
The parenting (gatekeepers) duties of the 2nd parents have expired, so it's about him, only.
Well a little update. The PM I sent to the mother has still not been delivered/seen or read. My friends request was sent on Wednesday and looked this morning and it is no longer in my activities list. When i click on her on her profile I can no longer friend request her. So it appears she seen my request and hit ignore. So it could be either she doesn't recognise my name and saw we have no friends in common and choose to ignore it or did recognise my name and ignored it. I am not blocked because I can still see her profile so I am leaning towards she didn't recognise my name and just figured it was spam or whatever.
The parenting (gatekeepers) duties of the 2nd parents have expired, so it's about him, only.
No it is not about him only, it is about disrupting an entire family.
The biological parents gave away their duties many years ago and it should be kept that way.
No it is not about him only, it is about disrupting an entire family.
The biological parents gave away their duties many years ago and it should be kept that way.
If biological parents showing up "disrupts an entire family" then the problem is with that family. When you adopt a child, you know that they have an entire biological family out there, and they may want contact or a relationship someday. If someone can't handle that, then they shouldn't adopt. Adoption doesn't mean controlling your adopted child's entire life.
No it is not about him only, it is about disrupting an entire family.
The biological parents gave away their duties many years ago and it should be kept that way.
Anyone who loves and respects the individual, they raised, would not think like this.
Well a little update. The PM I sent to the mother has still not been delivered/seen or read. My friends request was sent on Wednesday and looked this morning and it is no longer in my activities list. When i click on her on her profile I can no longer friend request her. So it appears she seen my request and hit ignore. So it could be either she doesn't recognise my name and saw we have no friends in common and choose to ignore it or did recognise my name and ignored it. I am not blocked because I can still see her profile so I am leaning towards she didn't recognise my name and just figured it was spam or whatever.
Again, I would recommend reaching out directly to your son, either through FB or some other way.
I am an adoptive parent, and I agree that there is no need to go through the mom, but that you should just contact your son directly.
However, I think you should realize that if he wanted to be in contact with you, he probably would have reached out to you by now, especially as it was an open adoption. Although it was a different situation with my daughter -- her birthparents' rights were involuntarily terminated when she was five, and we adopted her when it was six, which was VERY traumatic for her -- she found her birthmom by going online when she was 18. Your son is obviously intelligent and capable, so I think he would have found you by now if he was interested. (Or, of course, perhaps he was just too scared/nervous to reach out to you due to fear of rejection or whatever.)
In any case, I think you should try to contact him, but just be aware that it might not be all 100% sunshine and happily-ever-after, although I do wish you and your son the best!
I too am a parent of two adoptive children, grown now. I would not have a problem if either choose to reach out to their natural parents, in fact i have suggested they do this a few times. They consider only 2 people as their parents, my husband and me. I also have a couple of friends who have located children they have given up for adoption. If I were in the OPs place I would try some form of third party to learn how his son would feel about learning and meeting his biological parents. It can be a rewarding experience or a disaster.
I am an adoptive parent, and I agree that there is no need to go through the mom, but that you should just contact your son directly.
However, I think you should realize that if he wanted to be in contact with you, he probably would have reached out to you by now, especially as it was an open adoption. Although it was a different situation with my daughter -- her birthparents' rights were involuntarily terminated when she was five, and we adopted her when it was six, which was VERY traumatic for her -- she found her birthmom by going online when she was 18. Your son is obviously intelligent and capable, so I think he would have found you by now if he was interested. (Or, of course, perhaps he was just too scared/nervous to reach out to you due to fear of rejection or whatever.)
In any case, I think you should try to contact him, but just be aware that it might not be all 100% sunshine and happily-ever-after, although I do wish you and your son the best!
That was my thinking as well. From all appearances he is a great kid and is doing well for himself. If he was interested in looking for me I would think he would have found me. I guessing It would have been easier for him to get my name that it was for me to find him. BUt again its the unknown thats killin me here.
But at the same time he may have the same anxiety about contacting me as I do him and perhaps one of us just needs to make the first contact.
While I know it may not what I am hoping for I do realize there is a very good chance he is not interested in talking with me at all.
But in my mind I have to at least let him know I am here and open to any contact he's comfortable with and leave it up to him after that.
Im pretty sure I made my mind up I will try and contact him. Its just writing that message and trying to express what I want to say that may take some time.
I did find his adoptive mother on facebook and after 2 weeks decided I would send her a PM to let her know I found him an if he was interested In any type of conversation at all I would love to talk with him.
The exact same thing happened to me, except I am the birthmother and he is 28. We didn't have an "open" adoption, but I did pick out his parents based on the fact they would tell him he was adopted. I received three letters and pictures from her over the first five years of his life, and then I quit asking for them because he looked like he was in a wonderful family.
I found him by his first name and his birthday because that's all I knew, and then found his mother on Facebook, and contacted her. It took her a long time to respond, but she finally did, and she was the go-between for awhile until he was absolutely sure I was his mother. Then we emailed back and forth for a couple months. He agreed to meet me, but I had a major panic attack on the way to see him and had to pull over and get a hotel room for two days until I could drive again.
That was 6 months ago. I haven't heard from him again despite contacting him maybe three times, once to say I was in his city a month after my panic attack, and he never responded. Although I did say Happy Birthday on his birthday (the 21st of this month) and he did reply with a Thank You. So maybe all is not lost. But I am definitely not pushing it.
He holds all the cards here; this is his life for me not to ruin.
So my advice to you is to stay patient, and hope she gets back with you. And if he agrees to meet, please have someone drive you so you can make it there, or you might hurt him as deeply as I did my son.
ETA: If she never gets back to you, I would leave him alone. He might not know he is adopted, and I signed his life away. I would not dare ruin his relationship with his parents. That would be an incredibly selfish thing to do.
Also, I, too, am adopted, and I had a wonderful loving family. I did not care to meet my birthparents. My birthmother did find me, but unfortunately after all of the pictures were exchanged she wanted to have a huge family reunion and did not understand why I did not.
Last edited by convextech; 06-28-2017 at 01:40 PM..
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