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We have been considering an adoption from foster care. We had given a lot of money to an agency to adopt internationally but they were shut down by the US State Department for a whole bunch of issues in Dec 2016 (and they never returned our money.)
We had a bio child that we lost to cancer several years ago, and we have suffered an additional loss of a child due to the fraud of this agency-- we were through our bonding period when our case was overturned by the local court due to a lack of trust for any of the parents involved with the debarred US agency-- basically we were treated like we had done something wrong by hiring them. We hired lawyers and a new agency and are still trying to fight it, but its looking bleak.
Despite this, we still want to adopt. I have done a good bit of research into the US foster care system and wonder if this might be a fit for us. We aren't interested in infant adoption, only older kids as they have a much more difficult time finding a home. My concern is "open" adoption.
I have spent some time meeting foster parents who have been through this and been told all sorts of horror stories. One parent in particular has to take her kids to a quarterly meeting with the bio parents so that her children can "maintain emotional bonds." Bio mom tells the kids that they are betraying her by bonding with new mom and is basically toxic. Foster mom is fighting with the court that these visits are detrimental, but one of the older kids insists that they still go. Younger kids don't want to. The whole situation is tense.
We have been through a lot already and an open adoption with a bio parent who is not healthy may be the proverbial last straw for my sanity. Does anyone have experience with adoption out of foster care? What is your level of involvement with the bio parents?
Hang on, you are likely to get a lot more horror stories coming. There are a lot of negative individuals who seem to think the system should work much differently than it does. There are people that have been misinformed or had issues with the agencies in their state/county and they will love telling you how the system doesn't work anywhere, ever.
First of all, you need to remember the foster system is designed to work toward reunification first when that is a possible option. That process can be long and heartbreaking. Do not go into this with the idea that there isn't heartache. There is. The majority of children in foster care are there because there is a problem at home. In our experiences, including a couple dozen kids, most of the challenges were not the type you see and hear on the evening news. There are a lot of people with a lot of problems and they need help while they sort out how to resolve the problems in their life. Mental health issues, dependencies, unemployment, or any variety of things that made them incapable of parenting at the time. If they are able to get things put back in order, they get their children back. Even if they aren't model families and may not seem to be "as good as" the foster or adoptive hopefuls, they still get their kids back if they can provide a safe home for them. It will be hard when that day comes.
For the cases where the parents rights are terminated (TPR) there is then (often) a long process of additional background checks and legal waiting periods to finalize the actual adoption. This is all subject to a variable set of rules based on state or county laws and a ruling by a judge or court commissioner, who may have their own personal biases for or against the entire process.
Our case is two children that came to us never left. They are siblings (1/2) and they are legally ours after being in our home as fosters since birth. At the time of adoption they were 5 1/2 and 4 years of age. (Yep - it can take that long!) There is no contact with bio parents and likely never will be. We do not hide the fact that they are adopted, simply explain that they are with us because their bio's were unable to care for them.
Hardest day in the system was when a little was sent to live with a relative after two and a half years with us. relative had no interest until they discovered that the child would come with a financial stipend each month courtesy of the state. Suddenly they were interested...
You don't need to become foster parents to adopt. There are thousands of kids who have come through the foster care system, parental rights terminated, and are now ready for adoption. See
We have been through a lot already and an open adoption with a bio parent who is not healthy may be the proverbial last straw for my sanity. Does anyone have experience with adoption out of foster care? What is your level of involvement with the bio parents?
When you are adopting out of foster care, typically the bio parent's rights have been terminated so there isn't any requirement to maintain any relationship with them. Older kids may want to have contact, though. Our personal experience was with younger kids. Our daughter came to us at 8 months. For some time, there were weekly visits at the DHR office. Those ceased when the judge ordered them to provide clean drug screens as a condition for visitation. My son (bio sibling of daughter) came to us straight from the hospital after a 28 day stint in the NICU. There were never any visits as they still failed to meet the above condition. Also, there was no attempt at reunification. DHR immediately pursued TPR.
You should be able to specify that you are not interested in adopting a child that still has visitation with the birth family, and many won't have as with older kids, some have been in the system for years after parental rights were terminated.
Do understand that trying to pry loose a child out of the system will give you a workout emotionally. We tried to adopt an older child years ago through the state, it was so disappointing to not get calls returned and/or to be told the child was not right for our family. Also, keep in mind, that the descriptions of the children don't include what can be some very serious issues. I watched the same children we asked about return to the "child of the week" year after year and their photos remain on the state's photolisting page. It can be VERY frustrating.
We adopted an infant with special needs through a private agency that was not able to place him with any of their clients. We had specified any age up to 10 and never expected an infant but got hooked up through an adoption exchange, someone in the middle that referred us when they were contacted to this agency.
A book that was recommended to us, you may have already read it, was "High Risk: Children Without A Conscious". To me, that represents the worse case scenario, but I also feel it must be taken into account.
We have been through a lot already and an open adoption with a bio parent who is not healthy may be the proverbial last straw for my sanity. Does anyone have experience with adoption out of foster care? What is your level of involvement with the bio parents?
As an adoptive parent who has been through EXACTLY what you described in your post, the only thing I can tell you is that if you have any issues about continuing to deal with bio parents, then you should NOT adopt. The only exception would be if both bio parents are dead or made it absolutely clear that they never want to have any contact with their kids again and any other unfit bio relatives have made it clear they don't want contact, either -- but then that would create a whole other set of problems for your kids. Kids who have lost their bio parents due to abuse and neglect have all kinds of emotional and behavioral problems, and this results in some MAJOR acting out, usually. (I try to avoid using the word "always".)
We have had a lot of issues with our adopted kids (adopted at ages four and six after fostering for a year), and if we had known what we would have to go through (and are still going through) because of having to live with our kids continuing to have the bio mom (and one of the bio dads) in their lives, we probably never would have adopted at all. A long story, much of what I've posted about before, so I won't repeat it again now, but if you want to DM me, please feel free.
Last edited by katharsis; 05-10-2017 at 12:14 PM..
When you are adopting out of foster care, typically the bio parent's rights have been terminated so there isn't any requirement to maintain any relationship with them. Older kids may want to have contact, though. Our personal experience was with younger kids. Our daughter came to us at 8 months. For some time, there were weekly visits at the DHR office. Those ceased when the judge ordered them to provide clean drug screens as a condition for visitation. My son (bio sibling of daughter) came to us straight from the hospital after a 28 day stint in the NICU. There were never any visits as they still failed to meet the above condition. Also, there was no attempt at reunification. DHR immediately pursued TPR.
Well, there might very well be no requirement to have contact, but with the Internet, you can almost count on some kind of reunification (if both parent and child want it) eventually. The reunification of my kids with their bio family when they were teens is what contributed to (although it was not the only reason) that my son made two suicide attempts when he was 18, and why my daughter left our home a month before her 18th birthday to go live with her bio mom (a drug addict and felon), which lasted all of about two or three months. (Btw, my daughter did reach out to us again about two years later, and we are now mostly on good terms now -- she is now 25, btw -- although we definitely still have our ups and downs!)
Last edited by katharsis; 05-10-2017 at 12:12 PM..
Also, keep in mind, that the descriptions of the children don't include what can be some very serious issues. I watched the same children we asked about return to the "child of the week" year after year and their photos remain on the state's photolisting page. It can be VERY frustrating.
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I frequently check the available children website for my state and it is the same kids all the time. Some profiles state the child has issues but I have a feeling they do not tell to what extreme the issues are.
I would take an older child that just needs a home, good family to hang around and would be happy to just have a nice room, bed, plenty of food, good schools and be part of a family. But it seems like they all come with serious baggage and issues.
But it seems like they all come with serious baggage and issues.
Go figure. You are looking at kids who have been abused to the point that they have been forcibly removed from their homes. You want the other website with the happy, well-adjusted kids who are just looking for a new home for no reason.
I frequently check the available children website for my state and it is the same kids all the time. Some profiles state the child has issues but I have a feeling they do not tell to what extreme the issues are.
I would take an older child that just needs a home, good family to hang around and would be happy to just have a nice room, bed, plenty of food, good schools and be part of a family. But it seems like they all come with serious baggage and issues.
Quote:
Originally Posted by djmaxwell
Go figure. You are looking at kids who have been abused to the point that they have been forcibly removed from their homes. You want the other website with the happy, well-adjusted kids who are just looking for a new home for no reason.
Children will always - yes always - want to be with their biological parents if given any opportunity. There will always be a longing for the relationship to be restored. In many cases that may be a fantasy, without logic of any form, but it will still be there. There is, by all accounts and resources I have ever seen, no children "happy to just have a nice room, bed, plenty of food, good schools and be part of a family" in the system. That is only in the Hallmark movies.
The reality is, any child in the system awaiting placement in a permanent home has issues. The extent of those issues may not even be known to the social workers who have a case load four times anything their college professor ever told them they would have. The kids have likely been bounced from one care provider/counselor/case worker to another. The reasons they were removed from their home aren't even told to them sometimes, and if it is told to them, they may not understand it - they are kids. The fact is, they will have issues. The issues will be hard to deal with. It won't be like the Hallmark channel. Plan on it.
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