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HE can make changes too, you know. He can write more stuff down, so that you will remember. Have a calendar, etc. Even I sometimes have trouble remembering things. Like, my supervisor at work would ask me to come in a half hour early, and since it was a break from my ROUTINE, I'd forget. Or if there's a store-wide meeting, I have to write the time and date down somewhere, or I'll forget it.
This is a good idea. I try to do this with my husband because he can't remember anything I tell him. But like a PP said, it's more his lack of effort in trying to remember (especially when he can remember his fantasy football lineup for the next 6 weeks, or every hand from his last poker game) that is bothersome. I bet that is what is most irksome to your husband. You could also try telling him upfront when he tells you something, "Ok. I hear what you are saying, but I cannot promise you that I am going to remember so don't blow up on me when I forget. I'm not forgetting on purpose."
I try to avoid asking my husband any questions or join him in conversation because often i will ask him something he has apparently told me before, and then snap at me. He will reply with, "Like i said" or "Like i told you before" etc etc etc....Only he finds this irritating, my friends dont even notice.. and when i find they have had to repeat themselves, i will apologise for my bad memory and they will tell me to stop beating myself up!!
I admit, my memory is not the best, but i dont believe i deserve to be spoken to in such a belittling way. (well it feels belittling to me anyway! )thats what I'm battling to define, if i really have a problem or if this is mild verbal abuse. He doesnt shout but says it in an incredibly irritated way. I'm getting a huge complex and it used to hurt me so much. but now it just pisses me off.
Does ANYONE else in the world feel like this??
It should **** you off! it pisses me off and I dont even know him. Im sure he has his short comings too but you dont point them out everyday. Ask yourself this: what makes him think he can talk to you that way? I have the answer for you: YOU DO because you allow it. Dont disrespect yourself. The next time he does it call him on it and tell him you dont appreciate it.
My husband says that I don't listen to him, but I do listen to him. I just don't know what to say back sometimes, and then sometimes I do forget that he told me stuff, and then he gets mad at me and says that I never listen to anything he says. Sometimes he will tell me things and then I will repeat them myself, and he will say,,YEAH I JUST SAID THAT...but I am just the type that likes to analyze and clarify. I also ask follow up questions a lot, it is just in my nature, and how I get information, and fully understand it.
How do I get him to know that I am listening? I care about the things he says, but I am forgetful, but I can't blame it on being forgetful and I am sort of a selective hearer, for some odd reason. When I am watching tv, I can't hear anything really, and when I am working on my computer, I can't hear anything. It seems he only talks to me when I am busy doing things, and then he is quiet when I am sitting with him not doing anything.
I can relate..I get the exact same reaction, and I am in the exact same situation for some time. I really don't think he remembers telling me this, and maybe he said it before to someone else...like our roommate, or he told someone else...and it wasn't me, because I do listen to him, but I do ask a lot of questions afterward because I analyze and like to clarify things in my head. That is just the way I am, and he gets frustrated when I ask questions.
I mean what can you do to get them to see this...I try to explain it, and he doesn't understand it.
but he does the same thing. I don't get it, I have tried everything. I have tried to just straight look at him the whole time and not say anything, cuz he wants me to listen, so I say nothing, but then when I don't he gets mad, when I ask questions he gets mad and says YEAH I just said that...but I know he just said that I am just clarifying, and that is how my mind works, do I have to change the way my mind works to satisfy his need to be listened to even though I DO LISTEN TO HIM
Me too. I know my husband honestly does NOT tell me something, but he forgets things and gets confused. Or he told me something different... I end up shocked and ask, "Wait, so this is like this now?" Only he blows his top, yells, curses that I don't listen... it gets pretty bad. I demand better treatment, but short of what, just divorcing him, what can I do? I can't just leave my home.
Sometimes I don't hear him because the TV is too loud, dishwasher, or he's walking out of the room. So he blows up at me. He only does this to ME, not anyone else. I confronted him about it and he avoided the question. I've about had it though. He has no patience. Most of his family has anger issues, 2 of them have had therapy - no, 3 of them. It seems like it's just the way he is. I either get to the point where I just walk way, ignoring him... or I just don't talk to him about certain things if I don't need to, or if I don't hear him I pretend like I do.
My husband says that I don't listen to him, but I do listen to him. I just don't know what to say back sometimes, and then sometimes I do forget that he told me stuff, and then he gets mad at me and says that I never listen to anything he says. Sometimes he will tell me things and then I will repeat them myself, and he will say,,YEAH I JUST SAID THAT...but I am just the type that likes to analyze and clarify. I also ask follow up questions a lot, it is just in my nature, and how I get information, and fully understand it.
How do I get him to know that I am listening? I care about the things he says, but I am forgetful, but I can't blame it on being forgetful and I am sort of a selective hearer, for some odd reason. When I am watching tv, I can't hear anything really, and when I am working on my computer, I can't hear anything. It seems he only talks to me when I am busy doing things, and then he is quiet when I am sitting with him not doing anything.
I don't understand, any insight?
I wish I had an answer for you. I noticed that some men do this: If your attention is focused elsewhere, they want it, but if you're just sitting there and they could have your rapt attention, they don't engage. I find it befuddling, actually.
I'm a decent listener, in that I try to mirror things back and validate, but sometimes, if someone is telling a story, I don't have anything to add. So a laugh and "that's great" should suffice. I knew a guy who seemed to want some kind of critique, or maybe some kind of reassurance. Couldn't put my finger on it, but if I didn't supply several sentences of feedback or ask questions, he got offended and asked me why I was so quiet. Finally I just said, "The whole point of a punchline is that it ends the joke."
I can relate..I get the exact same reaction, and I am in the exact same situation for some time. I really don't think he remembers telling me this, and maybe he said it before to someone else...like our roommate, or he told someone else...and it wasn't me, because I do listen to him, but I do ask a lot of questions afterward because I analyze and like to clarify things in my head. That is just the way I am, and he gets frustrated when I ask questions.
I mean what can you do to get them to see this...I try to explain it, and he doesn't understand it.
but he does the same thing. I don't get it, I have tried everything. I have tried to just straight look at him the whole time and not say anything, cuz he wants me to listen, so I say nothing, but then when I don't he gets mad, when I ask questions he gets mad and says YEAH I just said that...but I know he just said that I am just clarifying, and that is how my mind works, do I have to change the way my mind works to satisfy his need to be listened to even though I DO LISTEN TO HIM
Depressed people are usually anxious, sensitive, and angry. They say depression is anger turned inward.
One of my family member is extremely sensitive. She always blames others for not listening to her. Now she is taking medication to treat her depression or whatever the mental issues she is dealing with at this moment. She is more relaxed now.
So your husband might be depressed. Just my .02 (not trying to play armchair psychologist here)
I try to avoid asking my husband any questions or join him in conversation because often i will ask him something he has apparently told me before, and then snap at me. He will reply with, "Like i said" or "Like i told you before" etc etc etc....Only he finds this irritating, my friends dont even notice.. and when i find they have had to repeat themselves, i will apologise for my bad memory and they will tell me to stop beating myself up!!
I admit, my memory is not the best, but i dont believe i deserve to be spoken to in such a belittling way. (well it feels belittling to me anyway! )thats what I'm battling to define, if i really have a problem or if this is mild verbal abuse. He doesnt shout but says it in an incredibly irritated way. I'm getting a huge complex and it used to hurt me so much. but now it just pisses me off.
Does ANYONE else in the world feel like this??
You are not alone. My husband and I just had a marriage talk last night and I had a few things I wanted to discuss with him and he only had one big issue with me, that he feels I do not pay attention to him when he tells me something. He gave me an example: He will say something like: I just mentioned this yesterday, we had a whole discussion about it and obviously you were not apaying attention to what I said", but he says this in more of a hurt way, like I am doing it on purpose. He is right, though, I remember my coworkers headache she had and ask her about it, but then my husband will mention he has a headache and I never ask him how he feels, this is just a tiny example though, just trying to get my point across. He also accuses me of "not paying attention" when he mentions XYZ then later he brings XYZ up and I will say " oh really? I had no idea" and he will say" we just talked about this last week", I feel bad, but kinda agree with him. it is hard finding any how to listen to your husband better and pay attention to detail on the internet, but I saw this post and thought I would chime in.
You are not alone. My husband and I just had a marriage talk last night and I had a few things I wanted to discuss with him and he only had one big issue with me, that he feels I do not pay attention to him when he tells me something. He gave me an example: He will say something like: I just mentioned this yesterday, we had a whole discussion about it and obviously you were not apaying attention to what I said", but he says this in more of a hurt way, like I am doing it on purpose. He is right, though, I remember my coworkers headache she had and ask her about it, but then my husband will mention he has a headache and I never ask him how he feels, this is just a tiny example though, just trying to get my point across. He also accuses me of "not paying attention" when he mentions XYZ then later he brings XYZ up and I will say " oh really? I had no idea" and he will say" we just talked about this last week", I feel bad, but kinda agree with him. it is hard finding any how to listen to your husband better and pay attention to detail on the internet, but I saw this post and thought I would chime in.
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