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Hi all:
I’m needing some objective opinions regarding a new relationship..
I’m in a 9 month relationship with a divorced man who has a large number of online female friends and real life female acquaintances he describes as very close. He expressed his love for me very soon in the relationship and tells me daily that he loves me.
What is troubling me is his need for validation from women in general. He is a long time chat room person who values connections from women he’s known for 20 years plus online, but has never met.
He assures me that these are platonic relationships, and most are married women who share their problems and he values these connections. He also reports close relationships to people he made day to day, including waitresses and postal workers (all female). I sometimes doubt if he really is this close to these women or he just likes the attention, no matter how shallow. He seems to separate me from the friends online to an extent and connects with them privately in dms and on Facebook where he has not extended a friend request to me even though he knows I’m on FB. I found his FB page and he has over 3000 friends, mostly very young, beautiful women from exotic places. He’s an older person and I assume he has no real contact with them. I figure he just doesn’t want me to see his fantasy stash.
So this is the issue. Recently, I was online and witnessed one of his longtime woman friends reporting in a chat room that her marriage was in trouble. He suggested they speak privately. When I questioned it later, he said I had nothing to be concerned about because he had known her for many years and it was never anything more than a friendship. He was clearly not happy that I was confronting him, but he remained pretty civil and said that we could talk about it later. When he did contact me later, he was very harsh and said that he was feeling boxed in, and that I was trying to take over his whole life and corral him. Not true. I rarely go online when he’s chatting and I’ve accepted that he has female pals but I am uncomfortable with how he discusses their most intimate issues privately and I’m not included in his communication with them even casually. He separates me out. Maybe that’s ok now but a committed cohabitation or marriage situation would not mix well with his other life. We have agreed to exclusivity and he says he complies with that.
He seems to balk and become defiant whenever I attempt to set a boundary. For example early on
he called very late and although I took the call, I asked him if he might text earlier to let me know he was running late. He said I was giving him a curfew and sulked about it, asking me how many other
“Rules” I had. At the time, I attributed it to the lateness of the hour and maybe his fatigue,
I’ve apologized for these incidents and wanted to talk further about how we can work things out so we’re both comfortable. He said we should move forward and let it work itself out.
So…am I being controlling and unreasonable or is his behavior a red flag for issues in the future?
Your comments are welcome!!
He doesn't want to change and you have no right to ask him to. Do you want someone trying to change you? He may have never met these women, and probably won't, but his online seems more important to him than his real life. Personally, I would say good bye to this guy. You may think he's worth holding on to. I certainly would hope you wouldn't cohabitate or consider marriage with this man. I suggest you date others.
You are entitled to your feelings. They aren't wrong. He's entitled to his feelings, too. It's just that one or the other of you would need to compromise more than you would like to make the other happy. Go find someone that is more like you when it comes to relationships. Someone that will make you his true priority.
He has known them for over 20 years? And never met them?
He is not going to change or give up those connections.
IS that a deal breaker for you?
FWIW, I've had a male e-pen pal for 20 years too. He's married with one teen son. We've discussed everything under the sun over those 20 years, have never met either and probably never will. It is loving but platonic. I would never do anything to disrupt his marriage! Trust matters. If you don't trust this man OP maybe the relationship isn't suited for you.
Last edited by Parnassia; 05-15-2024 at 07:02 PM..
This will remain an issue for the two of you. It’s best to know it now than later. Make an amicable break and move on. You won’t find happiness with this guy.
Hi all:
I’m needing some objective opinions regarding a new relationship..
I’m in a 9 month relationship with a divorced man who has a large number of online female friends and real life female acquaintances he describes as very close. He expressed his love for me very soon in the relationship and tells me daily that he loves me.
What is troubling me is his need for validation from women in general. He is a long time chat room person who values connections from women he’s known for 20 years plus online, but has never met.
He assures me that these are platonic relationships, and most are married women who share their problems and he values these connections. He also reports close relationships to people he made day to day, including waitresses and postal workers (all female). I sometimes doubt if he really is this close to these women or he just likes the attention, no matter how shallow. He seems to separate me from the friends online to an extent and connects with them privately in dms and on Facebook where he has not extended a friend request to me even though he knows I’m on FB. I found his FB page and he has over 3000 friends, mostly very young, beautiful women from exotic places. He’s an older person and I assume he has no real contact with them. I figure he just doesn’t want me to see his fantasy stash.
So this is the issue. Recently, I was online and witnessed one of his longtime woman friends reporting in a chat room that her marriage was in trouble. He suggested they speak privately. When I questioned it later, he said I had nothing to be concerned about because he had known her for many years and it was never anything more than a friendship. He was clearly not happy that I was confronting him, but he remained pretty civil and said that we could talk about it later. When he did contact me later, he was very harsh and said that he was feeling boxed in, and that I was trying to take over his whole life and corral him. Not true. I rarely go online when he’s chatting and I’ve accepted that he has female pals but I am uncomfortable with how he discusses their most intimate issues privately and I’m not included in his communication with them even casually. He separates me out. Maybe that’s ok now but a committed cohabitation or marriage situation would not mix well with his other life. We have agreed to exclusivity and he says he complies with that.
He seems to balk and become defiant whenever I attempt to set a boundary. For example early on
he called very late and although I took the call, I asked him if he might text earlier to let me know he was running late. He said I was giving him a curfew and sulked about it, asking me how many other
“Rules” I had. At the time, I attributed it to the lateness of the hour and maybe his fatigue,
I’ve apologized for these incidents and wanted to talk further about how we can work things out so we’re both comfortable. He said we should move forward and let it work itself out.
So…am I being controlling and unreasonable or is his behavior a red flag for issues in the future?
Your comments are welcome!!
I've known guys like this.
They're fun to play with, no way in the world would I consider getting into a "relationship" with them, they're not relationship material.
He's been having a good time for 20 years, why should you spoil the fun?
He is very obviously not someone to take seriously.
Red flag. You gotta watch out for these guys who basically live their lives online and then try to squeeze a real life person into the mix somehow without changing their obsessive online habits at all. I would probably let this one fizzle out and move on. They are hiding all kinds of creepy stuff on those computers, and he sounds kind of predatory IRL too with these women, Idk..... This would really put me off. I don't think I could ever relax with a man like this.
I agree with the others. You aren't being unreasonable in wanting to be FB friends with him. I wouldn't force it, but time to move on. Not relationship material. No, he doesn't need to have every waking moment with you, but he should have a desire to meet these people in-person and be okay with introducing you to at least some of them and spending time hanging out platonically with them as an option altogether. And, of course, you should be the same with your friends too.
I think you are right about his need for validation from women. He's surely overstating the closeness of these friendships. He thinks it's normal and doesn't want it to change so whoever he's in a relationship with would have to get used to it.
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