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Hey all, just wanting some feedback on a situation I'm in:
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, he has 2 dogs that are 13 years old, and he was in a relationship with a girl for 8 years, the only girl he ever lived with and she brought a dog to the relationship as well. Apparently while they were together she was kinda lazy and didn't do much around the house and he had to give her a chore list. He also paid for her car, all her bills and part of her college. She ended up cheating on him with a guy from her college who was 10+ years younger than my bf. He was devastated, and he got super jealous and it made him feel like crap. (Eventually he let go of the jealousy and like a switch he turned it off (he leans dismissive avoidant) and never gets jealous ever now.) They broke up and she moved to this mall town which they had both talked about moving to when they were together. She took her dog and he kept his. They tried to get back together after awhile and he made the 4 hour drive to go see her and the dog , but they realized they were just not compatible and ended things the 2nd time around.
She has had one boyfriend since but broke up with him. My boyfriend met me when I was going to possibly move to CA and my dating app said "Moving to CA but open to more if you're willing to move" as I was ready for a relationship. So we met, as he said he was just dipping his toe in the dating pool, and we hit it off! He was smiling all the time and saying he was working on being negative and he wanted me to meet his parents after a month and it was all great. I did my trip to CA to find housing and actually decided not to move there because of cost and all the traffic and chaos of CA. So though us getting together was kind of "unexpected" as I was planning to leave and he wanted to just start getting back into the dating scene, we kept on and it's been 3 years.
The MAIN issue we have is how he is with his exes. He is an introvert and not super social. He works at home and hangs with his dogs mostly, but he keeps close relationships with some of his exes. 3 of them I have met and feel fine about since MY boundry is "Any exes that you keep as friends, have to meet me" because if these exes are truly platonic and just friends, one would think they'd want to meet me and be so happy for their ex and friend. The ex who has the dog, i have NOT met. her dog got diagnosed with Cancer, and both her world and his collapsed, they were so upset. They said it was terminal and had 3 months to live. He said he was going to start visiting the dog 4 hours away once a month for a few days at her house.
Of course I was compassionate as I love animals and had to share my dog with my ex for a year and we were kind and transactional, no texts or calls about anything besides the dog we shared. We don't communicate anymore since our dog has passed. Now back to them, I said I would love to join on these trips to support him and see the dog (whom ive met a few times) and he said he wants to do this alone and that his ex doesn't know if she will ever be ready to meet me, and has since refused the many times I've asked to come up there.
This has caused us to almost break up MANY MANY times, but I try to stay secure and open minded. It is 1.5 years later and the dog is still alive (which is amazing and awesome) but not awesome for our relationship. My boyfriend says he's not friends with her but he's friendly and wants to be kind and a good house guest when he's up there visiting. He sleeps in his camper van when he is up there in her driveway, and I do trust him not to cheat on me, but she still refuses to meet me (he says she is extreme introvert) and always an excuse. He says he just wants to go up and visit with the dog and he sends me photos when he is up there and calls me. I asked him if he texts her often about more than just dog stuff and he says sometimes he will shoot her a text about other non-dog related things, but not super often. He was controlled by his parents when he was younger so anytime I ask anything (not tell him but kindly ask) he thinks I am controlling him.
I am a very mature, reasonable person, and he is more emotionally immature and not emotionally available so now I recently discovered that they text everyday, it's mostly about dogs, but also about the birds in their yard, sharing recipes and she once said "looking forward to seeing all of you" when he let her know they were on their way up. The messages were platonic, but he keeps his phone tucked away in his room and on do not disturb when I'm at his house. we don't live together because of him and his reasons, but he knows thats what I would like. He said "you treat me better than anyone else ever has" supposedly and is a decent partner to me, but emotionally he can't show up well and any time a convo has to be brought up about htis stuff he shuts down for days and it damages the relationship.
Is it wrong that i'd like more transparency and ask him to leave his phone out? If they are "Just friends" then shouldn't matter if her name pops up and can I request she meets me but if she refuses and that's my boundry then what? He can't force her to meet me. It's not a jealousy or insecurity thing, I just think relationships should be open, inclusive and transparent. I keep my phone unlocked and face up when i'm at his house, I have nothing to hide.
Would just love some insight if I'm being a door mat and letting these 2 have their weird relationship thats private and he doesn't mention to her when he and the dogs walk with me he just leaves my name out. I send toys for her dogs almost every visit and even sent a card and gift for her saying I'm so sorry her dog has cancer and she never had the decency to text or call and say thanks, which she's allowed to not, that's not an expectation, its just a courtesy.
He said "She said thank you" but I don;t even know if he tells her the toys he brings up are from me. Trying to not let the voices in my mind make up a story, but this makes me feel really uncomfortable. That was his longest relationship ever with her and there's other weird stuff like I told him he should get rugs for his dogs because their legs are gettng worse from being older and he declined but when she started getting rugs for her house for her dogs legs he all of a sudden got rugs for his house, same with bird feeders, she got some and now he has some. They text about the birds they see as well. They have the same dog bed and they both wear the same brand overalls and he only wears them when he is up there.
He tells me he is not attracted to her and doesn't want to be with her and that he is just friendly and wants to be a nice guy (which he truly is) so yeah, just not sure what I should do...thanks all
I understand the "pet" thing, but the drives, the visits, the texts are a little bit overboard. My ex and I adopted a kitten and when we split she came with me. We shared custody, as I still worked near his home so I would drop her off and pick her up a few days later.
We are both in new relationships now and Essie is with me and he has a cat of his own. We do not have any bad feelings and wish each other well, but we do not try to force a friendship because that's not how it works. We wish the best for each other, but moved on. There are no children from the relationship, there is nothing to discuss.
When a relationship ends, usually one of the partners wants to remain "friends". An Ex is not referred to as a "platonic friendship", at least not one that used to be romantic. He loved her, he had a marriage with her and they were intimate together. Them still contacting each other is a mutual emotional agreement to "not let go" for whatever reason. This is unhealthy for his EX, for your BF and most definitely for you.
A platonic friendship is fine so long as they have ALWAYS been platonic, they always will be platonic and those friends should be respectful of your relationship. You and your EX should always include each other in any events or get togethers are planned with those type friends. It's OK, but should be respectful of each ohter.
Now, my two cents on his EX.
1) She needs to stop contacting your husband, unless it's in regard to the dog that he still loves.
2) Upon the dog's death, it is not HER responsibility to stop contacting your boyfriend. It is HIS. He should, at that time, move on from all of this and not be in contact with her. She is NOT a purely platonic friend.
3) You keep wanting to go meet her so you can "mark your territory" so to speak. Stop that. You don't want to meet her and obviously she doesn't want to meet you. (OR anyone else he should date), she is holding on to him and he has to sever that tie. You have no business meeting her, and he has no business trying to remain "just friends" with this woman.
4) In the event the dog passes, and your BF continues to go visit, call, text, email, or send a frigging pigeon to deliver a message, then HE is the one that does not want to let go. RED FLAG.
For the sake of keeping peace on this site, I will admit that there have been many couples that remain "friendLeeee" to the EX, but they are not "friends". They are past acquaintances with a mutual desire to remain civil. Those with pets and / or children especially, should remain civil and co-parent the kids. This will entail some correspondence, but there should be no reason for your BF to hide his phone, or be indifferent toward your feelings.
Now, I'm very big on listening to your "gut feeling". That is a super-cool defense mechanism that got provided to us so that we would know what sits right with us and what doesn't. If you have that little dagger in your gut fairly often, your body is warning you of impending danger.
So take that information and do what you need to do for yourself, as this problem is beyond a problem, or an issue that will go away. It's a full blown DEALBREAKER.
What’s with all the exes too. People who don’t have friends but say exes are friends just ugh.Needs attention from past loves, how messy and stagnant. Covert narcissist?
It sounds like they are still friends. Sometimes these things are completely platonic. Of course it’s weird, but not that weird. You probably shouldn’t worry since you have been together a long time, too.
Instead of destroying your relationship, why not drop your jealousy and insecurities and let him continue his visits? Maybe you should hang out with a couple of guy friends? Develop a few outside interests and allow yourself to be slightly more open in how you view your current beau. Like “what ever…” and roll your eyes.
My husband has a female friend. We go on dates and vacations together. She was my friend first. They have their own unique thing going. It’s not sexual or even romantic. I tease him occasionally about it. They even had a “dust up” over something once and he refused to talk to her for a month. When I heard the back story, it convinced me that he just doesn’t know how to “friend”.
So, give openness a try for awhile. You can share, especially since it’s an established thing. It won’t make things worse.
I agree she should probably broaden her horizons a bit, hang out with her own friends(male and female) and concentrate more on hobbies but I would not suggest she goes out and hangs out with some guys in a tit for tat sort of move. It would probably add to the drama not take away from it. Not to mention some guys are good at sniffing out the relationship turmoil in women they are supposedly just hanging out with as friends, and taking advantage of it. To be fair some women are pretty good at that too. lol
To the point of pets and exes, I understand loving a pet and not wanting to cut off all contact but really at the end of the day during the split one person gets the pet and one doesn't. You should look at any shared arrangement as temporary and use it to slowly wean yourself from contact with the pet until you are comfortable with one last goodbye. Maybe when that pet's death is imminent have one last visit for a final send off, if the pet's death is in a way that allows that. But you don't need a permanent connection with an ex over a pet. You can get a new pet after slowly distancing yourself from the old one.
it is not you, it is HIM. You have shown more understanding and patience than anyone else.
He may not even cheating but he sure has some sort of deep relationship with the ex. This will never end, dog or no dog.
I would do one last try:
1. Tell him the constant texting needs to stop. It makes you uncomfortable. No more texting other than "I am coming to visit on day ..."
2. You go with him and stay in the camper with him. Who gives a crap what the ex wants. YOU want to go with him. YOU are the gf and needs to be pleased. HE needs to put his foot down for YOU, not for HER.
He will probably not accept ^^. Break it off. You did your best. She can have him.
So basically we have a dog as a proxy to children in the form of baggage. Time is nature's( or the devil's) workshop, People with careers, their own children and pets have a lot less time for all these relationships. He not only has a bond in this way but there is less to occupy him otherwise.
I might also add that men form bonds through objects and objectives aka the fishing buddy. The dog is a common object to him .
It sounds like they are still friends. Sometimes these things are completely platonic. Of course it’s weird, but not that weird. You probably shouldn’t worry since you have been together a long time, too.
Instead of destroying your relationship, why not drop your jealousy and insecurities and let him continue his visits? Maybe you should hang out with a couple of guy friends? Develop a few outside interests and allow yourself to be slightly more open in how you view your current beau. Like “what ever…” and roll your eyes.
My husband has a female friend. We go on dates and vacations together. She was my friend first. They have their own unique thing going. It’s not sexual or even romantic. I tease him occasionally about it. They even had a “dust up” over something once and he refused to talk to her for a month. When I heard the back story, it convinced me that he just doesn’t know how to “friend”.
So, give openness a try for awhile. You can share, especially since it’s an established thing. It won’t make things worse.
I have to disagree with you on this. Her inability to comprehend and accept this "thing" they have does not constitute her being jealous and insecure. A lot of times it's the EX trying to hold on to them and it's the husband's responsibility to put an end to it. If there are no children involved, there is no reason for them to continue these visits and calls. That is a respect issue and the EX has clearly stated she does not want to meet the new girlfriend and that's a dead giveaway that she is still in love with the guy and that IS disrespectful to the new girlfriend. If the BF does not still have feelings for her, then he should end it for HER sake as well as everyone else's. I personally do not think she's out of line for wanting this to stop.
My husband has a female friend. We go on dates and vacations together.She was my friend first. They have their own unique thing going. It’s not sexual or even romantic. I tease him occasionally about it. They even had a “dust up” over something once and he refused to talk to her for a month. When I heard the back story, it convinced me that he just doesn’t know how to “friend”.
So, give openness a try for awhile. You can share, especially since it’s an established thing. It won’t make things worse.
This is not the same.
And she gave openness a long try. Why share, the ex doesn't share either. OPs bf has a weekend relationship with another girl where his weekday girl is not welcome, that is totally inappropriate.
I agree that the OP's boundaries are being completely disrespected here.
OP, if you're okay with potentially breaking things off, start being more demanding about either seeing this particular ex or your boyfriend sending this ex a message that they are to cease communication immediately.
Since you and him are not married, better to run now than when it is too late.
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