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If you could only put as much thought and focus on actually meeting women as you do for sitting here typing out all the reasons you cannot meet women you'd probably have dates every day of the week. You sound fairly thoughtful and intelligent but with literally every suggestion here you've come back with a negative response with reasons why those won't work with you. Maybe THAT is the reason you aren't meeting women.
Also, confidence goes a long way. You being so negative puts a stink around you that women can smell a mile away.
I can understand how it may seem that way from an alternative, external perspective. I do."He's being suggested such basic, rudimentary things but can't do them? Clearly he's not serious." But that's what it's like to have anxiety. The most basic things that normal people can do, seems impossible for me. No one wants me to meet women more than I do. Also, it needs to be said...most of the time I'm told "Don't focus on trying to meet women and they'll come to you" or "You'll find women when you aren't looking". And bc of my anxiety I've been "not looking" for years and years and it has never led to me meeting women.
So there were years were I was pretty confident. I just went out and did not look to or care about meeting women. And I subsequently never did. No matter where I went or how much I didn't care, it never happened. Also, women aren't magical, mythical creatures...they cannot detect a lack of confidence. Tons of depressed, self-loathing, unhappy, unconfident, etc men have no trouble meeting women and dating.
Usually within the first few seconds of meeting you, I can tell if you're confident or shy. It's everything to do with your eye contact, your posture, and your body movements.
I'm 31 and I'm not even at the point where I can just date, casually, and it's beyond frustrating at this point. Physically, I run 4x a week so I'm in shape, I make decent money. I groom, I have hair and skin regimes, and I'm tall (6'3) yet this isn't enough to attract any women bc I'm kinda ugly. That and I have anxiety so I'm not the type that can just shotgun approach random women until I get lucky and one humors me. My anxiety literally prevents me from approaching woman bc. after years of using OLD and not getting so much as a date, its nuked my confidence and I fear the rejection...
I have pretty humble standards, as I care more about a woman's style, humor, interests, and disposition than just her looks, so it's not like I'm shallow. And pretty weird and alternative with alt interests, so I'm looking for alternative women. Nerdy, gothy, witchy, hippie, artsy, etc women. Yet any time I go where those women should be i.e. concerts, festivals, art shows, etc the women there are totally unapproachable bc they're always with friends and in groups.
I'm deemed too ugly for OLD, which is the obvious answer. No one wishes they could use OLD more than me. I've been trying five different sites for years. Researching what to put in a bio, experimenting with pictures, sending detailed messages, paying for subs for high exposure, lowering my standards, etc yet I still can't get a single match, so that's unfortunately not an option.
I've tried volunteering at a couple of art galleries, but most all of the other volunteers are 21-year-old girls, so not anyone I can connect with. So I'm not exactly sure how or where it's actually possible to meet women these days unless you can use OLD or you have a huge friend group.
What am I missing?
You're missing the oh so important "self esteem". And, you can partly blame that on the infamous dating sites.
Any time a person puts themselves on the market publicly, they open themselves up for rejection. If you continue to use OLD, you will most likely become desparate, depressed, and feel very bad about yourself, your "looks" (which should not matter BTW), and frustrated beyond belief.
Sounds like you're almost there. It's a shame to waste good time "looking" for someone that may or may not exist, when your life is ticking right along. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to remove your dating profiles, realizing that they have brought nothing but negativity and unhappiness into your life.
Next you take time out of dating all together, possibly get some self-help..ie: therapy, online help, groups with relationship problems, etc. Learn to like yourself for who you are, and how you look, and what you're all about. Be proud of yourself, because I can tell you right now that "beauty" is skin deep, and attraction really has nothing to do with looks in the first place. When a person is immediately attracted to someone, they can't help it. It doesn't matter what they look like, they see something others don't see. There are a lot of women who are in the same boat you're in, and the reason they are all still on the dating sites is because they too have low self esteem.
Try getting out by yourself. Go in restaurants, enjoy eating out, go to the festivals and things you enjoy. Try to enjoy being single and take steps to feel better about yourself, whatever it takes, but dating sites are NOT the answer, they actually prolong your self healing and waste valuable, precious time.
People perceive you as you perceive yourself. If you believe that you are extremely unattractive, others will psyche into those vibes and not want to be around you.
Have you ever gone into a restaurant or club where several women are together for girl's night? There's the "hot" one, that everyone is coming on to. There's the attractive one that's really quiet, then there's the plain Jane, fun loving, laughing, joking "magnet". That is what you're really looking for.
Who wants to be with a "hot" airhead that's loud and boistrous, always looking in the mirror or someone that is relatively attractive but never laughs or talks much and has no sense of humor? Who wants to be with a fun individual that has personality plus, jokes and laughs and embraces life and all it as to offer?
I'm going to leave you with that one. You need to get to the point of girl #3 in your own life and stop looking. Someone will come along, but don't invite anyone into your chaos. Heal first and if you are ok with yourself, then and only then will you be able to offer the key elements in a relationship.
If you have insurance, most will pay for therapy. If not, there are self-help groups for singles, also there are church single's groups that get together and do fun things. The guy that is fun, thoughtful and kind is the one the women want. Not the gorgeous guys that are total losers.
Usually within the first few seconds of meeting you, I can tell if you're confident or shy. It's everything to do with your eye contact, your posture, and your body movements.
And those are all easy to fake if you have any remote amount of tact or self-awareness. Not everyone is transparent. I've been told, by people who have no reason to lie, that I actually come off as aloof, disinterested, and even arrogant at times. (a common misconception for anxious people, coincidentally)Even though I'm actually painstakingly anxious and self-conscious. Bc I dress well, I'm tall and in shape, I'm aware of my body language and I don't just look stereotypically depressed, most never assume I have a confidence issue.
And those are all easy to fake if you have any remote amount of tact or self-awareness. Not everyone is transparent. I've been told, by people who have no reason to lie, that I actually come off as aloof, disinterested, and even arrogant at times. (a common misconception for anxious people, coincidentally)Even though I'm actually painstakingly anxious and self-conscious. Bc I dress well, I'm tall and in shape, I'm aware of my body language and I don't just look stereotypically depressed, most never assume I have a confidence issue.
Again, no no no no no. All negative answers. Your negativity absolutely comes off in person.
So you seem to equate your anxiety as reasons for everything here. You realize there are many medications out there now for anxiety, right? Why are you not seeking medical help? Let me guess, because your anxiety is too much to go to a doctor too?
Again, no no no no no. All negative answers. Your negativity absolutely comes off in person.
So you seem to equate your anxiety as reasons for everything here. You realize there are many medications out there now for anxiety, right? Why are you not seeking medical help? Let me guess, because your anxiety is too much to go to a doctor too?
My anxiety and low self-esteem were heightened by failing at OLD for years and creating the belief that no women find me attractive enough to even talk to. A therapist cannot fix that. Talking it out will not fix my issue, and there is no deep-seated trauma I need to unpack. It all relates to dating apps. Until I can make those work, I thought process can't really be any different. Basically, I need something to debunk this belief that was crated...over years of just being involuntarily alone. Medication won't get me likes and matches lol.
Any time a person puts themselves on the market publicly, they open themselves up for rejection. If you continue to use OLD, you will most likely become desparate, depressed, and feel very bad about yourself, your "looks" (which should not matter BTW), and frustrated beyond belief.
I mean...too late lol. And it's not rejection itself that's an issue...its that ALL I get is rejection.
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There are a lot of women who are in the same boat you're in, and the reason they are all still on the dating sites is because they too have low self esteem.
The difference is those women are able to get likes, matches and dates from dating sites. They may struggle finding the perfect, ideal prospect, but they don't have issues....literally getting anything like i do. That is a completely different problem.
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Try getting out by yourself. Go in restaurants, enjoy eating out, go to the festivals and things you enjoy. Try to enjoy being single and take steps to feel better about yourself, whatever it takes, but dating sites are NOT the answer, they actually prolong your self healing and waste valuable, precious time.
I've been doing that for years...years. I have been single for so long that's all I remember. Like you can only be content with solitude for so long. I've gone to bars, concerts, festivals, art shows, etc always single...and that has yet to change.
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People perceive you as you perceive yourself. If you believe that you are extremely unattractive, others will psyche into those vibes and not want to be around you.
Not in my experience lol. I didn't just wake up with the belief that I was unattractive. For a while, I thought I was decent-looking, but clearly no one on any dating site agrees with that. I like my personality, I like my interests, I like many aspects about myselff.
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Have you ever gone into a restaurant or club where several women are together for girl's night? There's the "hot" one, that everyone is coming on to. There's the attractive one that's really quiet, then there's the plain Jane, fun loving, laughing, joking "magnet". That is what you're really looking for.
Who wants to be with a "hot" airhead that's loud and boistrous, always looking in the mirror or someone that is relatively attractive but never laughs or talks much and has no sense of humor? Who wants to be with a fun individual that has personality plus, jokes and laughs and embraces life and all it as to offer?
I'm going to leave you with that one. You need to get to the point of girl #3 in your own life and stop looking. Someone will come along, but don't invite anyone into your chaos. Heal first and if you are ok with yourself, then and only then will you be able to offer the key elements in a relationship.
Ummm...no. I want woman #2. She doesn't even have to be attractive...in fact I prefer if she wasn't bc attractive women just make me more anxious. I'm an introvert, I don't want a woman who's like #3. I'd prefer a quiet, reserved, more laid-back woman bc our dispositions would gel much more.
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If you have insurance, most will pay for therapy. If not, there are self-help groups for singles, also there are church single's groups that get together and do fun things. The guy that is fun, thoughtful and kind is the one the women want. Not the gorgeous guys that are total losers.
lol tell that to all the men like that on dating apps that get more matches in an hour that I literally ever will in my entire life.
And those are all easy to fake if you have any remote amount of tact or self-awareness. Not everyone is transparent. I've been told, by people who have no reason to lie, that I actually come off as aloof, disinterested, and even arrogant at times. (a common misconception for anxious people, coincidentally)Even though I'm actually painstakingly anxious and self-conscious. Bc I dress well, I'm tall and in shape, I'm aware of my body language and I don't just look stereotypically depressed, most never assume I have a confidence issue.
Well, there you go.
While aloofness and arrogance can be perceived as attractive, you are almost certainly manifesting these traits in a way that is not charismatic. For you they are barriers.
You really do need to work on overcoming this, and it is going to take effort.
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