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The trouble started when she lied to Me about going to his house for a massage. I caught her and she came clean. She said she almost cheated on me but stopped herself. After that they continued to hang out one on one behind my back.
Take this for whatever it's worth. Everytime a woman who was romantically interested in me (and I was in her) came to my house, we had sex. If you think all she had was a "massage" then i guess denial is not just. a river in egypt.
The only question here is for you: Is her behavior acceptable to you as your wife?
Precisely this. All you need to know and ask yourself. You don't like her behavior. So, regardless of who is "right" and who is "wrong," if you don't want to live like that for the rest of your life, you know what to do.
I can't believe you've put up w/ this. She's been cheating on you right under your nose for a long time. Before you guys got married, you must have been the type of couple who had all kinds of oppsosite-sex friends, etc. & neither of you thought anything of it.
The moment she started doing ANYTHING w/ him other than for work, it's looking bad right there...even texting, talking on phone. Actually going out 1-on-1 IS cheating in my book...no matter if it's a walk in the park OR fancy night out.
So glad my husband & I have always been on the same page about having opposite-gendered friends & that is...WE NEVER HAD THEM EVER, no staying friends w/ exes or any of that. We've never, ever had to worry & wonder, "hmm, I think him/her & so & so are getting too chummy, etc."
Also, you say she'll tell you when they hang out. You don't know all the other times she still doesn't tell you. Once she's already been doing what she's done, I would NOT trust her anymore.
Your partner not wife give her an ultimatum either leave this job and stay away from this man or she has to leave. I always thought it was nuts for an employer/supervisor to get romantically involved with an employee and could lead to sexual harassment lawsuits.
Please tell us do you have female friends you are alone with and hug, have a massage with? How would your partner feel about that? Maybe you need to give it back to her. Then again maybe she wants a three some two men and not so lady lady.
TLDR: Can you help my partner and I define what constitutes “dating”?
My partner is someone who has always used cheating as a way out of relationships. We hit a rough patch and she almost did the same thing to me- she had a crush on her supervisor at work who definitely reciprocated those feelings and They started hanging out, texting, talking, flirting.. She invited me out with them a few times (I suspect she either likes the energy dynamic of two guys who are into her at the table together or she was trying to show me I didn’t need to worry about him) and I picked up on the vibe but wasn’t worried.
The trouble started when she lied to Me about going to his house for a massage. I caught her and she came clean. She said she almost cheated on me but stopped herself. After that they continued to hang out one on one behind my back. They’d go for walks together, out for dinner and drinks, hiking, etc. she confided in him about our marriage problems and they talked about his sex life. She showed me text messages of him “struggling to keep his messages appropriate”, talking about how good the hug and back rubbing felt, how his jacket smells like her perfume.
When this all came to light I was pretty upset. I feel like this was an affair even if they didn’t have sex. My wife is insistent it wasn’t an affair and they weren’t going on dates because these are all things that she does or would do with her other single male friends and that all of those guys would have sex with her if she let them so the crush part doesn’t matter either. I confronted the guy, chewed him out and told him exactly what I think of him. He sat back and took it then later complained to my wife about how I spoke to him.
I know it’s petty, but can I get a judgement call here? Was this an affair? Were they dating for those few weeks?
She’s told me that she doesn’t have a crush on him anymore and they still hang out 1 on 1, but now she will tell me when they do. I don’t like it but she’s not someone to care what I think or feel as long as she believes what she’s doing isn’t wrong.
If she lives like this in your relationship, you don't have one. It is not OK for a woman that is supposed to be in a relationship with a man, to go behind his back and go hiking, out for drinks, coffee, whatever.... and texting back and forth and flirting? WOW. She is having her cake and eating it too. She is disrespectful to you and does not care about your feelings. Take that little bit of information and do with it what you will.
Even if they did not do the DEED, this relationship has become very intimate. WAY TOO intimate.
I would either be leaving or tell her that she needs to cut all ties to him and also find a new job. What she does to you is cruel. She has no respect for you.
Even if they did not do the DEED, this relationship has become very intimate. WAY TOO intimate.
I would either be leaving or tell her that she needs to cut all ties to him and also find a new job. What she does to you is cruel. She has no respect for you.
You are way too generous. I'd be out the door and not giving a second glance backward.
That is cheating on the marriage. And being very public about it.
Even if they did not do the DEED, this relationship has become very intimate. WAY TOO intimate.
I would either be leaving or tell her that she needs to cut all ties to him and also find a new job. What she does to you is cruel. She has no respect for you.
More likely than not, she would either still see the guy she is now most likely having sex with, or would find someone new, as she has a "boundary" issue when it comes to relationships. Also, I have seen women put up with this with men, so I suspect real men do have this issue also.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TMSRetired
You are way too generous. I'd be out the door and not giving a second glance backward.
That is cheating on the marriage. And being very public about it.
Yeah, I imagine this is very humiliating for the OP, and maybe she gets off on that. I don't know why people stay in relationships like this, but maybe low self-esteem.
OP: Maybe do some research on low self-esteem, seriously.
"Low self-esteem can affect your choice in a partner or friend. Low self-esteem means you are more likely to ignore your core needs in a relationship. For example, you may stay with your partner, despite their lack of affection for you. Or, you may tolerate your friend’s bad temper, and blame yourself for their reactions. Researchers have identified that individuals with low self-esteem are more likely to stay in dissatisfied relationships longer than those who have a higher degree of perceived self-worth."
You deserve better, you just must! Though, let me guess, she says she loves you, right? "Love" is an action word, and respect is a big part of that "action"!
Last edited by AnywhereElse; 03-14-2024 at 05:42 PM..
OP: I just read the OP - nothing else and I think you're in denial (which is understandable - don't fault yourself - it's painful to see the truth sometimes).
They have definitely had sex from what I deduce from your post.
I might ask her to take a lie detector test and see what she says.
She's sneaky, if nothing else.
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