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When my recent ex and I were together (we broke up a couple of months ago) and there was an incident that upset me between him and a female. The details are not important but my reaction is what I am disappointed with. I felt so much anger and in the moment and felt so much contempt towards him. I just couldn't shake off the negative feelings.
Looking back now, I realize that my reaction was not justified. I was constantly seeking reassurance from him. This incident just made me feel like my fears and suspicions were justified.
But the truth is, my ex never gave me a reason not to trust him. He was always faithful and honest with me. It was my own past experiences.
I wish I had handled the situation differently. I wish I had been able to communicate my feelings and concerns in a calm and rational manner instead of letting my emotions take over.
I have realized that I need to work on my emotional regulation and communication skills. I want to be able to handle situations like this in a more mature and effective way in the future. I also want to learn how to forgive and let go of situations that have caused me pain in the past.
It's not for a lack of trying, there are just some things that are harder to navigate for me at times and I need to actively work on it. I'm just wondering why after all this time, old feelings resurfaced (I was cheated on in a relationship years ago by a different man).
It's like I haven't fully healed from that and I projected those feelings onto my ex. Is there a way to fully heal from past hurts or will they always resurface in future relationships?
I think that awareness and self-honesty are excellent places to start. You're on the right track.
Personally, I don't much believe in having a ton of control over my emotions. I realize that they are the instinctual part, not the intelligent part, of my mind. OK so sometimes those instincts are smart, but not always. They are just reactions, and sometimes there is no thinking your way out of your feelings. Some of my more turbulent times were when my head and heart weren't on the same page. But it's important to put some space between your feelings and thoughts...and your words and actions. The words and actions are the important part to control.
So in other words, the feelings arise. I use my thinking brain to process them. I realize that this can take time, but I avoid reacting outwardly until I have taken that time I need. I ask for space and time from others when appropriate. When I have thought about it and decided which emotions seem reasonable and fitting with my thoughts and beliefs, then I can more calmly address something with others who may be involved. I can tell my spouse that I am feeling something without it coming out as an attack. I can own that my feelings are mine. No one CAUSES me to feel anything. Usually they are an echo from previous experiences, like you already realize. The key is putting that space and time between the feelings and any words/actions, and filling it with productive thinking.
I think that awareness and self-honesty are excellent places to start. You're on the right track.
Personally, I don't much believe in having a ton of control over my emotions. I realize that they are the instinctual part, not the intelligent part, of my mind. OK so sometimes those instincts are smart, but not always. They are just reactions, and sometimes there is no thinking your way out of your feelings. Some of my more turbulent times were when my head and heart weren't on the same page. But it's important to put some space between your feelings and thoughts...and your words and actions. The words and actions are the important part to control.
So in other words, the feelings arise. I use my thinking brain to process them. I realize that this can take time, but I avoid reacting outwardly until I have taken that time I need. I ask for space and time from others when appropriate. When I have thought about it and decided which emotions seem reasonable and fitting with my thoughts and beliefs, then I can more calmly address something with others who may be involved. I can tell my spouse that I am feeling something without it coming out as an attack. I can own that my feelings are mine. No one CAUSES me to feel anything. Usually they are an echo from previous experiences, like you already realize. The key is putting that space and time between the feelings and any words/actions, and filling it with productive thinking.
Thank you, that's beautifully said, and I agree. "No one CAUSES me to feel anything." Yes, it takes two to tango.
Or sometimes it takes one person doubling down on terrible behavior. That's a thing I think we need to realize, that sometimes you just can't separate all your urges into different emotional compartments, but still...we make choices in how we treat one another, generally. That's something I am coming to terms with.
Can I say, this just came to mind, 'instead of l don't like you because of reasons', "I'm feeling on edge because I am feeling anxious about this situation."
It's helpful for me to think about how I am feeling, it helps put things into perspective.
Thank you, that's beautifully said, and I agree. "No one CAUSES me to feel anything." Yes, it takes two to tango.
Or sometimes it takes one person doubling down on terrible behavior. That's a thing I think we need to realize, that sometimes you just can't separate all your urges into different emotional compartments, but still...we make choices in how we treat one another, generally. That's something I am coming to terms with.
Can I say, this just came to mind, 'instead of l don't like you because of reasons', "I'm feeling on edge because I am feeling anxious about this situation."
It's helpful for me to think about how I am feeling, it helps put things into perspective.
Another belief that I hold, too, that I've seen a lot of folks struggle with in relationships (don't know if this is relevant to you or not)... I can't control other people. I can't, and I do not even want to waste my time or frustrate myself trying.
I can ask for a need to be met. I can negotiate. But sometimes a deal cannot be reached.
I can control myself.
But choosing to leave a relationship is never, to me, an attempt to punish anyone or exercise control over their actions. I don't do ultimatums. I can only decide what I'm OK with or not in that relationship, and then make my own choices for me, accordingly. It does not mean that the other person is even wrong, necessarily, they just might be wrong for me. It is OK for that to be my problem, and for me to solve it by not being in that relationship. I am not robbing anyone of anything that they are entitled to there.
I see a lot of folks feeling like they have to make a whole case that someone is a terrible person, or breaks objective Rules of Relationships, in order to justify breaking up. Like you've got to establish in imaginary court, for some imaginary judge, that they "deserved" the pain of losing you. I don't see it that way. But I don't really wish pain on anyone anyhow. Even the worst partners I ever had, I hope they find a way to happiness...I'm just not going to be part of their lives anymore one way or another. I've also dated perfectly good men who just were not a right fit for me...they are a perfect mate for someone who isn't me, and I set them free to go find her. And in at least one notable case I'm thinking of, that is exactly what went on to happen and I was very happy for them both!
When my recent ex and I were together (we broke up a couple of months ago) and there was an incident that upset me between him and a female. The details are not important but my reaction is what I am disappointed with. I felt so much anger and in the moment and felt so much contempt towards him. I just couldn't shake off the negative feelings.
Looking back now, I realize that my reaction was not justified. I was constantly seeking reassurance from him. This incident just made me feel like my fears and suspicions were justified.
But the truth is, my ex never gave me a reason not to trust him. He was always faithful and honest with me. It was my own past experiences.
I wish I had handled the situation differently. I wish I had been able to communicate my feelings and concerns in a calm and rational manner instead of letting my emotions take over.
I have realized that I need to work on my emotional regulation and communication skills. I want to be able to handle situations like this in a more mature and effective way in the future. I also want to learn how to forgive and let go of situations that have caused me pain in the past.
It's not for a lack of trying, there are just some things that are harder to navigate for me at times and I need to actively work on it. I'm just wondering why after all this time, old feelings resurfaced (I was cheated on in a relationship years ago by a different man).
It's like I haven't fully healed from that and I projected those feelings onto my ex. Is there a way to fully heal from past hurts or will they always resurface in future relationships?
I would call him and apologize and explain. Not for the sake of getting back together, but for you to begin the healing process.
I would call him and apologize and explain. Not for the sake of getting back together, but for you to begin the healing process.
That's not why we stopped talking. I also don't think that's necessary. It's more about me taking responsibility for my actions and working on myself so I can have healthy relationships in the future, rather than seeking closure or validation from my ex. Thank you for your suggestion though.
Another belief that I hold, too, that I've seen a lot of folks struggle with in relationships (don't know if this is relevant to you or not)... I can't control other people. I can't, and I do not even want to waste my time or frustrate myself trying.
I can ask for a need to be met. I can negotiate. But sometimes a deal cannot be reached.
I can control myself.
But choosing to leave a relationship is never, to me, an attempt to punish anyone or exercise control over their actions. I don't do ultimatums. I can only decide what I'm OK with or not in that relationship, and then make my own choices for me, accordingly. It does not mean that the other person is even wrong, necessarily, they just might be wrong for me. It is OK for that to be my problem, and for me to solve it by not being in that relationship. I am not robbing anyone of anything that they are entitled to there.
You're absolutely right here, and it's something that a lot of people get confused with about setting boundaries. Your boundaries are for you to follow, not for the other person. You can't control other people, but you can say "I will not accept this behavior" and act accordingly.
That's not why we stopped talking. I also don't think that's necessary. It's more about me taking responsibility for my actions and working on myself so I can have healthy relationships in the future, rather than seeking closure or validation from my ex. Thank you for your suggestion though.
Apologizing IS 'working on yourself'. It has nothing to do with seeking closure or validation form HIM. And it's the right thing to do.
Apologizing IS 'working on yourself'. It has nothing to do with seeking closure or validation form HIM. And it's the right thing to do.
Apologizing because I am genuinely sorry and sincerely hope to not have a repeat episode then yes that is helpful to a point because it acknowledges that my response may not have been appropriate.
Calling him will not remove my fears that he could hurt me and apologized for what, him being insensitive sometimes? For me wanting trust?
Really that feels to me like, huh?
Instead of a man saying hey sorry I made you feel small, the man saying, 'Hey I don't like how much you rely on me for my emotional support.'
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