People who try to he friends with everyone. Why?

[Ninella]

First of all, I'd like to say, that I'm not looking for an advice, that's why I'm starting this topic in psychology rather than non-romantic relationship. I'm going to talk about my 2 close friends whose behavoiour puzzles me, so I'm curious if someone else is like that or maybe knows someone else who is like that, and what do you think is the reason for this behaviour.

So I have 2 male friends in their early 40s, who, for some reason are obsessed with befriending absolutely everyone they meet (both genders, so it has nothing to do with trying to get dates or anything). Don't get me wrong, I agree that you should be nice and polite to people, and I'm also an extrovert myself, so I'm always happy to meet new people, get to know them, and make new friends if we happen to click and find each other interesting. But this doesn't always happen, sometimes you just don't have anything in common, sometimes you don't like someone and sometimes certain people are genuinely bad, yet none of these matters to these guys. They really try to pursue friendship with everyone they meet, no matter whether they like them or not.

They invite 30-40 people to their birthday parties, just because they know them, and most of these people are pretty socially awkward, like sitting in the corner, not talking to anyone or just saying and doing weird things. It is not just my opinion, because even these guys acknowledge that and often complain to me about how this person is weird or that person is annoying, yet they keep being friends with them. When I ask why, they just say something like "oh, he/she is a good friend. He is a really good guy. I'm just being nice", yet proceed to complain about their behavoiur. I understand that in certain situations we have to tolerate and be nice to people we don't like, for example at work, certain social settings, family gatherings, but this is not the case. These people are just some random people they met at other people's birthdays or weddings or other events, and just because they had a brief chat, they think they must be friends with them for the rest of their lives no matter what they do.

Sometimes people are actually rude and mean to them, and they still want to be friends with them. My husband jokingly said that if someone punches them in the face, they'd probably say "oh, I don't know why he did this, but you know, he is a really good guy", and I think there is some truth to it.

Actually, sometimes my husband's friends and family are weirded out by them, because they add everyone they've briefly met once on social media, and again, behave as if they are best friends, sending them messages just to see how they doing wishing them happy birthday and stuff. They have added absolutely everyone from our wedding on social media. I understand people meet and make friends at these kind of events, but there is no way they had a meaningful conversation with all 70 people that were there who weren't even at their table. I see them writing very thoughtful condolences on my husband's cousin's wife wall, because she posted that her dog died. Like, when did you even talk to her?

All of this makes no sense to me. I can't understand what do they get out from these "friendships" and why are they like that.

[bu2]

They're just genuinely nice people. They try to be nice to everyone.

Most people, even extroverts, are comfortable in their zone and don't reach out. These are some of the rare "initiators."

Think of how many times on these boards you read about how someone is mad at their friend because they always have to be the one to reach out. That's just because most people are not initiators.

These people are different, but in a good way.

And maybe part of it is they like the stimulation of being around people who aren't clones of themselves.

[ciceropolo]

Perhaps they do not have any close family and this is their attempt at substitution.

Do they work in HR? Perhaps they take "Inclusivity" to the extreme and acculturated to a world of likes and reps giving them self worth?

Reminds me of when I was five years old and made up an extended family with which to go on summer vacation or made up lists of everyone in the neighborhood as if they were friends to attend a party. LOL

Maybe they are naturally friendly people that haven't become as jaded as they've aged.

Are the same guests still attending these parties? If not maybe they are seeking new victims and they're a team like Arsenic & Old Lace.

[littletraveller]

Why not?

[harry chickpea]

The word "Pollyanna" comes to mind. In general, it is simply a way of being. There are some religions that encourage it as a means of proselytizing, some people are just wired that way. The ethics only stand out because of the poor ethics around in general these days. If there isn't a big gullibility component, and other ethics keep them safe, it can be nice. A co-worker / casual friend from many years ago was like that and was able to live an incredible life as world traveler, loved by everyone he met. I smile just thinking about him and how he handled life.

[Sonic_Spork]

I'm not even sure if this is quite "Pollyanna" behavior...which in my thinking is just an overall mindset of positivity, perhaps to some observers, "to a fault."

I'm willing to give most people a shot to be friends, I form friendly acquaintances easily, but I don't try to haul everyone into my closest inner circles. Like I'll assume the best about people, even be loving in a sense to their humanity, I like people and want to hear their stories. I try to keep an open heart. But I'm not unrealistic about the fact that you've got to be somewhat wary and not indiscriminately permit every person access to your innermost sanctums, some folks have an agenda and those who want too much too fast are often the ones who do. There are people who will use you if you give them the chance, and only by taking your time can you get a good read on who you can trust.

So to some extent, a person who is so trusting that they let other people all the way in, and make excuses for even bad behavior in others...it can be more a matter of "poor skills with boundaries" than Pollyanna stuff. You know? And there are also some people who are so insecure that they see all sorts of things as a personal rejection and an assault on their worth, that really should not hit them that way. I know a polyamorous man (not someone I was ever involved with, but I know a number of women who were) who would really over promise and under deliver in his relationships. He got all happy and high on that new relationship energy and promised these gals the moon and stars but as soon as the next shiny opportunity came along, he was ignoring them. And my friend had been "dating him" for years but the numerous disappointments and other issues were getting old, she was pretty well over it. Yet despite the fact that he hardly ever made time for her, when she tried to tell him that she'd like to officially stop being a thing since they weren't actually really seeing one another much anymore anyhow, he'd flip out and act all hurt about it. He has a fragile ego that just cannot handle the idea that someone would want to stop wearing the label of his "girlfriend" even if he wasn't willing to do a damn thing to make her feel like one.

And I think that it's a similar kind of energy to somebody who has to pretend that everyone they meet is their bestest bestie pal, even when that is nowhere near the obvious reality of the situation. Anything else feels like rejection. Even when it really isn't. The one guy I know (not the man in the above anecdote; someone else) I can think of who was kinda like this, in truth had a really rough upbringing and terrible self esteem, he was on a never-ending mission to prove to himself and the world that he was a worthwhile person and he'd constantly brag about his friendships, like you couldn't go an hour without him talking about how many years he's know this or that person. It's not like he was talking about being friends with famous people or something. It kinda came off like, "see, some people have known me for many years and still like me, I'm good, see??? Love me! Love me!" It was a little weird. Though I once went to a party full of rich people, like way out of my social class, and it was interesting to see how they interacted. Everyone had to ask and answer, "so how do you know <the host>?" and "so what do you do for a living?" Which while it was their version of small talk, it really smelled of establishing social cred and one's right to a place in this group. Several of them insisted on giving me their phone number or friending me on social media by the end of it. I did not maintain any of those connections, though.

[Nighteyes]

There are almost as many reasons for this as there are people who exhibit it. Some basically do it just for the attention it generates (positive and negative), others do it from a deep-seated need for acceptance & approval (sometimes called insecurity), some are trying to create - or re-create - a circle of people they can trust and depend on, and so forth.

I find myself wondering why you're asking the question.

[snerk]

Originally Posted by Nighteyes

There are almost as many reasons for this as there are people who exhibit it. Some basically do it just for the attention it generates (positive and negative), others do it from a deep-seated need for acceptance & approval (sometimes called insecurity), some are trying to create - or re-create - a circle of people they can trust and depend on, and so forth.

I find myself wondering why you're asking the question.

OP just wants to hear herself "speak."

[tamajane]

Social media. "Friends" aren't really friends. And having more fake friends seems to get more clout or something.

[WouldLoveTo]

I would wonder why the awkward people go to the parties. Just because one is invited, one doesn't have to go. I have turned down many a party. I did go to one 10+ years ago, it was someone I knew from a shared hobby and I was surprised I was invited as we didn't really do things together. It was a really small gathering and I actually had a good time.

I thought you were going to talk about social media friends, the people who have 1000 or more friends. I don't know how it's possible to keep up with everyone.