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The Postman....
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only
the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. Your name came up 7 times.'
Don't know if this one has been told, but here goes:
A man stops in a bar on the way home, and gets pretty drunk. Meets a woman, and they decide to get a motel room, and have a fling. Afterwards, on the way home he stops, and he gets some talcum powder. He pulls in the driveway, and sprinkles talcum powder all over his hands. When he walks in the door, his wife is waiting for him. " Where, have you been?" she asks. He, guilty look on his face says " I have to confess, I had a fling with a woman I picked up in a bar tonight." She looks at him and tells him to hold his hands out. " You lying bas#&*d, I told you not to stay out late bowling with your buddies during the week!"
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,451 posts, read 25,984,086 times
Reputation: 59813
15 Things it took me my whole life to learn...
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (This one is very important)
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,451 posts, read 25,984,086 times
Reputation: 59813
Senior Driver
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car, found she was basically unhurt, and sat her down on a lawn chair.
Still excited, he said "You appear quite elderly to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 99 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore.
The man was puzzled and asked why.
She said, "The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, "You won't need this anymore," so I thanked him and left!"
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your sexual organ was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new sexual organ. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your sexual organ was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new sexual organ. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the llocal cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid witch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
Location: The Circle City. Sometimes NE of Bagdad.
24,451 posts, read 25,984,086 times
Reputation: 59813
SO A PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR...
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop."
"It was my first day with the hook."
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Priorities change
