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Yes I did let her know several times over the past week that 'her room' was prepared and ready for her at any point in time she needed to be here.
One night I had gone over and as I pulled up she said the family was there, so I turned around and as soon as I got back home she called saying to please come over now to get some things out of her home for her so I turned around and went back.
I feel confident she will tell me her needs which is good that she does so so that I know how best to help her. I know that now is the stage where the grief 'really starts to settle in' so I am trying to determine if I stay here in our state this week. I have a doc appointment out of state in a few days that I'd been waiting a month to go to, but I'm not sure if I should keep it now or not as today she did mention needing help with some things this week. I am thinking to cancel the appointment now or rather to move it out a month or so as I know this has got to be a really trying/difficult week for her and I keep this appointment I'll be gone for a good 4-5 days.
If I were in her shoes, I would not want you to cancel or reschedule a doctor's appointment for which you have been waiting a month. I would want you to go and take care of your health.
I had literally gone straight to the hospital when she called me in the middle of the night saying he had passed. So I feel a bit bad about that because when I had showed up to the hospital family was already there. I was just very much narrowly focused on being there for my friend, so I pray I didn't offend family by being there.
Having unfortunately just recently gone through this, where we got the call that my brother-in-law was being taken by ambulance and they were doing CPR (that's all we knew at the time, but he later died), I assure you family does not mind. Many people showed up as word spread, and we were all there for his wife and daughters. We did not care who or how they were related (or not). As long as they were there in a supportive means we were glad his family was on their minds and there for them.
Last edited by clevergirl67; 04-22-2024 at 01:54 PM..
Once the family arrives I usually bow out. I then text every now and then to check on them so they know I'm there for them.
And there's usually a big flurry of activity and people right after someone dies, but the friend's going to need support for a lot longer than that. OP can let the family be there now, and reach out when they leave.
Having unfortunately just recently gone through this, where we got the call that my brother-n-law was being taken by ambulance and they were doing CPR (that's all we knew at the time, but he later died), I assure you family does not mind. Many people showed up as word spread, and we were all there for his wife and daughters. We did not care who or how they were related (or not). As long as they were there in a supportive means we were glad his family was on their minds and there for them.
If I were in her shoes, I would not want you to cancel or reschedule a doctor's appointment for which you have been waiting a month. I would want you to go and take care of your health.
Agree. I would feel terrible hearing that.
Surely you aren’t the only person that can help her for a few days. It’s great to be supportive but your role is not to take her situation on, to your own detriment.
Surely you aren’t the only person that can help her for a few days. It’s great to be supportive but your role is not to take her situation on, to your own detriment.
I needed to hear this and I feel you.
No, I'm not the only person. I spoke to a close friend of hers who lives here who is also dropping by to see her frequently. The challenge up until now had been her not wanting to be left alone in the house overnight. I'd been the only one spending the night with her. (I found out yesterday that the night of the funeral there was a friend over the house she'd asked to stay overnight but they did not.)
Actually I might end up not going in for my appointment anyway but it's not necessarily because I planned to forgo my appointment for her per se.
Rather, I have gotten behind on work stuff now so I am waking up today finding myself really unprepared to go. (I'm also really tired.) Prior to my caregiving days I could just hop in the vehicle and still make the trip, but packing for/bringing my mom requires more time (and planning/thought) - I was technically supposed to leave today, tomorrow at the latest.
BFF did ask yesterday if I could take care of some things on her behalf this week so I might just stay back, prioritize work and maybe help her with those things. (If I can help - it seems they involve making calls and sending in documents to cancel certain accounts/affairs possessed by DH.)
I went to see her last night and she'll be over tonight. She's doing ok but it's just a sad time. I think it's my first time being there for a BFF that has lost their spouse. If anyone has tips on things to do/not do to support, I'm all ears. Most people just say to listen as much as possible, ask what they need and overall just be present so that is what I'm going to try to do. I have an amazing therapist that literally 'just' got licensed in our state last week (I'd been seeing her virtually for coaching since I couldn't see her virtually for actual therapy the past almost two years since I'd moved away from her and she wasn't licensed here.) I'm going to try to find a way to get my therapist to start seeing BFF (who works part time and I believe her insurance which was under DH is stopping very soon now so I am not sure how we will work that out). Getting her in to see this person IMO is the biggest help I think I can be for her at this point.
OH - I forgot to mention. DH's actual burial is not until next week.
No, I'm not the only person. I spoke to a close friend of hers who lives here who is also dropping by to see her frequently. The challenge up until now had been her not wanting to be left alone in the house overnight. I'd been the only one spending the night with her. (I found out yesterday that the night of the funeral there was a friend over the house she'd asked to stay overnight but they did not.)
Actually I might end up not going in for my appointment anyway but it's not necessarily because I planned to forgo my appointment for her per se.
Rather, I have gotten behind on work stuff now so I am waking up today finding myself really unprepared to go. (I'm also really tired.) Prior to my caregiving days I could just hop in the vehicle and still make the trip, but packing for/bringing my mom requires more time (and planning/thought) - I was technically supposed to leave today, tomorrow at the latest.
BFF did ask yesterday if I could take care of some things on her behalf this week so I might just stay back, prioritize work and maybe help her with those things. (If I can help - it seems they involve making calls and sending in documents to cancel certain accounts/affairs possessed by DH.)
I went to see her last night and she'll be over tonight. She's doing ok but it's just a sad time. I think it's my first time being there for a BFF that has lost their spouse. If anyone has tips on things to do/not do to support, I'm all ears. Most people just say to listen as much as possible, ask what they need and overall just be present so that is what I'm going to try to do. I have an amazing therapist that literally 'just' got licensed in our state last week (I'd been seeing her virtually for coaching since I couldn't see her virtually for actual therapy the past almost two years since I'd moved away from her and she wasn't licensed here.) I'm going to try to find a way to get my therapist to start seeing BFF (who works part time and I believe her insurance which was under DH is stopping very soon now so I am not sure how we will work that out). Getting her in to see this person IMO is the biggest help I think I can be for her at this point.
OH - I forgot to mention. DH's actual burial is not until next week.
I don’t have experience helping a friend who just lost a spouse, but I still vividly recall trying to help my mom when my dad died, and then my own personal struggles when my mom died. I was also present as much as I could be when my BFF lost her 1 year old child.
You are on the right track with being present, just to listen, companionship to mindlessly watch TV, make a meal, run an errand, do laundry. To me though, all of that is conditional on what you have time for and what fits into your current life’s schedule/demands/requirements.
I really understand the comfort of wanting someone to stay over at night, but it is a lot to ask of anyone. As much as we want to drop everything, we really can’t. You have an additional load with caring for your mom, on top of all of your other responsibilities. Give what you can when you can, is all any of us can do, and hopefully she has a strong circle of friends and family around her.
Therapy is a good idea, but it may be too soon for any of that, and is this therapist trained in grief counselling? I know I was on autopilot for months after each of my parents died. It takes a while for reality to really sink in and IMO most people simply aren’t in the headspace to receive counseling or therapy in the early days. With my mom, it took her about 9 months before she had the desire and willingness to join a grief support group through our local hospice services. She first had a one-on-one session but then joined a group specifically for widows/widowers. That really helped her adjust because close friends who hadn’t lost spouses couldn’t understand.
BFF did ask yesterday if I could take care of some things on her behalf this week so I might just stay back, prioritize work and maybe help her with those things. (If I can help - it seems they involve making calls and sending in documents to cancel certain accounts/affairs possessed by DH.)
That is too far an overreach for her to ask in my opinion. You doing personal things and being there so she is not alone is one thing. You doing the death paperwork she should be handling is not your responsibility.
I would have to back up and give her some space. She is leaning on you way too hard. Your family, health, and job is more important than the death of her spouse. I'm sorry, but you come first.
That is too far an overreach for her to ask in my opinion. You doing personal things and being there so she is not alone is one thing. You doing the death paperwork she should be handling is not your responsibility.
I have to disagree.
The death of a spouse has to be one of the most difficult things to go through in life. I think it's perfectly okay to ask your friends - especially, a really close friend - for help navigating all that comes with that as grief in itself is heavy to shoulder. IMO, that is what being a friend means - stepping up when it's really needed. My guess is that OP's friend will not forget what OP has done for her and will return the favor when OP is in need.
I am in agreement that it should not come at the cost of OP seeing to her own health, take away from OP's caregiving of her mother, or put her livelihood (job) in danger but I think, even if requires some flexing of time and effort, that OP should assist her friend as her ability allows.
Many of my friends have lost their spouses and only one asked for help with the paperwork and she was 85. However, she didn’t just hand it over to me and we did it together including making any necessary phone calls. No one needed someone to be with them at night. I can’t imagine expecting someone with a full time job and having to care for a disabled parent to take over the paperwork. You have been a wonderful friend and gone above and beyond.
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