Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'll admit, it wasn't always in the best interest of everyone because the adoptee had too much negative baggage due to the adoption, being ripped away from their truth, denied their right to have a copy of their birth certificate which they are the only people denied this basic right, their names were also changed, some dying, never knowing their birth name. Most have never regained their right to that birth certificate. Some can never get a passport either due to that amended adoption birth certificate not being legal for identification purposes like an original birth certificate was. There are also too many to count who are denied access to the DAR (Daughters of the American revolution) and their genetic Mayflower ties. Some are trying to have their biological father who was identified via Ancestry DNA added to their birth certificate but they're denied that right too, even when the biological father is standing next to them to be added to the birth certificate but are denied. A DNA paternity or maternity test is not as accurate as ancestry DNA which says a parent/child relationship, not that the person is 99.9999999999% chance they are the parent, insert mother/father here.
***********
Adoption is never in the best interest of the child because their name is being changed. I can bring 9 out of 10 adoptees here to give an opinion that changing their birth certificate and name are not in their best interest.
Do you not understand that a birth certificate should be about one thing, the two people, a born genetic male and female who's sperm and egg who share biological DNA with the child they created.
It is 2023, maybe we need to change birth certificates to add lines for who [b]carried and birth the child along with the person deemed the 2nd parent who is not always a male these days which is stupid because two women, while they can raise a child, they can not both contribute one egg to said child, or at least not yet. I wouldn't be shocked if it could be done in a lab.
************ Think about what is best for the child. Sorry but it is not editing the birth certificate, especially not in 2023 when legal rights do not need her name on the birth certificate. Adding her name to this "birth document" will not restore her fertility, ability to have a child.
I'm adding on more piece of advice. It's a quick overview without getting in all the nasty details.
My Italian born in-laws, like so many immigrants, never adjusted to the USA. When my husband and I married, his parents expected us to behave like we were living in 1930's Italy. Their unrealistic expectations destroyed our relationship with them.
We tried to keep an even kneel so our kids could have a solid relationship with their grandparents. IT DIDN'T WORK! Yes, my children had a good relationship with their grandparents UNTIL my children were old enough to see the situation. My in-laws were cold to my husband & myself and my children saw it. It put the children into a position of choosing between their parents and grandparents.
And, unlike the OP, my husband and I were the same religion and my mother's grandparents came from Italy. Today, My FIL is dead and my MIL is 94 years old, She is still freaking angry at us. My husband has four very quick, very cold conversations with her each year. Our children have lost all contact with her except when I nag them to call her! It's very painful.
OP location will not change your dynamic with your mother! You will feel like the odd man out as your mother and daughters become close. Your daughters will see this tensions between your and your mother. It will put them in a difficult situation.
Could you and your daughters spend vacations with your mother? When they are independent enough to stay without you, perhaps they can spend summer vacations with your mother? It might be a good break for you! After a couple of years of vacations, you'll have a better idea about moving closer to your mother!
You might want to make a new life away from your deceased wife's family and not be burden by old memories. You might want strike out a new world for yourself. After your daughters are grown, you have that possibility in the future. It just takes patience to get there!
Very good insights. I doubt OP would allow his mother unfettered access to the children especially not a long period of time. And we don't know his mother's actual state of mind either. She might try to influence the children to her way of thinking which would be very detrimental to their mental and emotional state.
Pretend I'm quoting prior posts that are in defense of the adoptive mother, pro adoption. I just woke up, I'm too lazy to grab the quotes.
I started as an adoptee advocate around 1999 right after coming online. Some of you are familiar with some of my posts here in the people search section where myself and other members reunited the adoptees with their bio family.
I'll admit, it wasn't always in the best interest of everyone because the adoptee had too much negative baggage due to the adoption, being ripped away from their truth, denied their right to have a copy of their birth certificate which they are the only people denied this basic right, their names were also changed, some dying, never knowing their birth name. Most have never regained their right to that birth certificate. Some can never get a passport either due to that amended adoption birth certificate not being legal for identification purposes like an original birth certificate was. There are also too many to count who are denied access to the DAR (Daughters of the American revolution) and their genetic Mayflower ties. Some are trying to have their biological father who was identified via Ancestry DNA added to their birth certificate but they're denied that right too, even when the biological father is standing next to them to be added to the birth certificate but are denied. A DNA paternity or maternity test is not as accurate as ancestry DNA which says a parent/child relationship, not that the person is 99.9999999999% chance they are the parent, insert mother/father here.
You guys are replying in the best interests of the step mother, you're too close to what she may be going through, this is not about her, it is what are the best interests of the child or children?
Adoption is never in the best interest of the child because their name is being changed. I can bring 9 out of 10 adoptees here to give an opinion that changing their birth certificate and name are not in their best interest.
Do you not understand that a birth certificate should be about one thing, the two people, a born genetic male and female who's sperm and egg who share biological DNA with the child they created.
It is 2023, maybe we need to change birth certificates to add lines for who [b]carried and birth the child along with the person deemed the 2nd parent who is not always a male these days which is stupid because two women, while they can raise a child, they can not both contribute one egg to said child, or at least not yet. I wouldn't be shocked if it could be done in a lab.
Anyway, in 2023 there are ways to give legal rights to the step mother without her having to alter their birth certificates to add her as "mother" when she did not birth these girls. Editing her as being the mother will not make her whole after not having the ability to have her own kids. This is what this is about. Making her feel like she birth these kids when she could not have ever done that. She should go get counseling if she has baggage about not being able to have her own kids.
I say yes, give her legal rights because yes, she deserves legal rights, even to be called some sort of "mother/mom name" such as mama fist name or whatever. A birth certificate should never be altered. Children should not also have to change their names.
Think about what is best for the child. Sorry but it is not editing the birth certificate, especially not in 2023 when legal rights do not need her name on the birth certificate. Adding her name to this "birth document" will not restore her fertility, ability to have a child.
Thanks for reading
OP's kids are teenagers with ties to family.
Being snarky about the woman who wanted to adopt the children and was married to their cheater of a father does not do anybody any good. It may have escaped you that she passed away.
We moved to Texas after our second daughter was born to be closer to her family
Now, I am raising my daughters by myself with my late wife's parents, and her 3 sisters.
Also, after our youngest was born, we had a conversation and decided that the girls would go to my former sister-in-law and her husband should in case anything happen to the both of us, she is the oldest sister of my late wife.
I am thinking of moving the girls and myself back to my home state of Ohio. I want this because the two oldest were born in Ohio and they are born Buckeyes.The oldest is about to start her freshman year in high school here in Texas. I do not want them to finish their high school in Texas. I want it, Ohio.
The bolded above outline very valid reasons for staying in Texas. Your daughters would not benefit from moving far away and being torn from the only stable influence in their young lives. Moving is traumatic during the best of circumstance. They have had a lot of grieving and loss in their young lives. Why sign them up for more?
Actually you honored your late first wife's memory so deeply that part of the reason you divorced your second wife was because she wanted to be a mother to your daughters. IMO, there are worse things btw. Not sure I get where you're coming from on this. Clearly there were other factors for the divorce.
So why this move to OH after all these years? Your reasons were because they were born in OH and were born Buckeyes? And you do not want them to finish HS in Tx. These reasons do not really ring true. There is something else driving this move to OH and we don't know the whole story. IMO, this move is not for the girls, it is for YOU.
OP's kids are teenagers with ties to family.
Being snarky about the woman who wanted to adopt the children and was married to their cheater of a father does not do anybody any good. It may have escaped you that she passed away.
Only one of OP's kids is a teenager. They kids are 9, 11 and 14.
I am thinking of moving the girls and myself back to my home state of Ohio. I want this because the two oldest were born in Ohio and they are born Buckeyes. The oldest is about to start her freshman year in high school here in Texas. I do not want them to finish their high school in Texas. I want it, Ohio.[/quote]
Quote:
Originally Posted by pathrunner
Thank you for the explanation. It really is imperative that you relax your thoughts about all these important life decisions. Is there a reason you cannot tolerate Texas until the 9 yr old is out of high school? That's only 9 years. 10 at the most. Things are tough enough in our country right now generally speaking, without creating more stress. There are going to be very serious changes in the U.S. economy and culture in the next 10 years. Don't invite any more unnecessary stress! Visit Ohio periodically and see your friends and the sports there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by WidowedBuckeyeDad90
The move was always in my thoughts. However, I never once bought it up to the kids or my former in-laws. I can wait until the youngest turns 18 to move out. I can absolutely guarantee you that once the youngest goes off to college, then I am moving out for sure.
It is difficult for me to shut the door on the past. Another mistake that I made was that once she passed, I only had a couple of visits to therapy and just stopped going. Should not have done that. I do want them to have a relationship with my mother even if my relationship with her never does reconcile. My wife had told me that I need to repair my relationship with her.
[quote=Threestep2;65561247]OP's kids are teenagers with ties to family.
Being snarky about the woman who wanted to adopt the children and was married to their cheater of a father does not do anybody any good.
Being snarky about anyone is not helpful. This is a grief and mourning thread.
The OP has admitted to making many mistakes as he is trying to move past the death of his first wife.
He has posted that he can wait until the youngest turns 18 to move out so it seems he has taken the advice of pathrunner re moving his children to heart.
He is not asking for advice about adoption of his children.
I hope he seeks the therapy he acknowledges he needs.
I have a friend who leads men's groups. It is actually a group that is co-led. There is no one leader (though my friend is a psychologist who created guidelines for the group). They each come up with policies and ideas for the group. It is very helpful for processing painful life incidents. I hope OP can make some really good men friends who have gone through the same things to gain some insight going forward.
I am thinking of moving the girls and myself back to my home state of Ohio. I want this because the two oldest were born in Ohio and they are born Buckeyes. The oldest is about to start her freshman year in high school here in Texas. I do not want them to finish their high school in Texas. I want it, Ohio.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Threestep2
OP's kids are teenagers with ties to family.
Being snarky about the woman who wanted to adopt the children and was married to their cheater of a father does not do anybody any good.
Being snarky about anyone is not helpful. This is a grief and mourning thread.
The OP has admitted to making many mistakes as he is trying to move past the death of his first wife.
He has posted that he can wait until the youngest turns 18 to move out so it seems he has taken the advice of pathrunner re moving his children to heart.
He is not asking for advice about adoption of his children.
I hope he seeks the therapy he acknowledges he needs.
Please reread. My coment was a response to a CD regualr going into the step mothers fertility and mental state. She is dead!
Please reread. My coment was a response to a CD regualr going into the step mothers fertility and mental state. She is dead!
I used your comment as segue to my commentary about snarky posts about anyone.
My reading and comprehension is fine.
BTW, The first wife is deceased; the former step mother is divorced from OP; no mention that she is deceased.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
