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My question is, as a grandparent: What would you do if a complete stranger sent you a birth announcement, announcing the birth of your 40 year old son's first child? Would you ignore it? Would you ask your son what the hell is going on? Would you want to meet your grandchild and be apart of your grandchild's life? Would your first thought be that this woman should have kept her legs closed and that your son, the angel, is a victim who might not even be the father and demand a paternity test?
It's really hard to know what you should do since you don't know these people. How far from them do you live and would there be any chance for them to know and see for their grandchild?
The child is always going to be just some abstract baby if you live 2000 miles away and they'll never see the child -- and in that case they would be nothing more than grandparents in name only. However if you live close enough that they can actually be a part of your child's life, that changes the picture.
Do you know any of his relatives? Is there a chance he can just keep all this hidden?
I think if I were the grandparents, if I knew about the child, I would like to be part of the child's life but if that weren't the case and I wasn't going to have any real face-to-face relationship with the child and it would only be send a card and gift on all the right occasions kind of relationship, it would not be great news.
Then you have to look at what right for your child. He or she has the right to have relatives know about him/her. If they never hear of the child, then the child is deprived of their love and concern -- if they were to want to give it. I wouldn't really worry so much about dear old dad -- he has his own choices to make. Again, as you don't iknow these people you don't know how they would take it or whether they would ever want to see the child or know the child and be part of his life. They could reject both you and your child. You'd have to be prepared for any reaction.
So you have to decide. 1. The worst they can do is reject the child and not want to be part of the child's life. If you don't tell them they won't be part of the child's life but then it's your fault. 2. They may take the news well and your child has two sets of grandparents.
Oh and the dad -- who really cares what he does, he might come around, he may not -- his choice completely.
some good answers here.. with good advice too.... this man clearly is still his mum and dads little boy and wants to stay that way. maybe they want it that way too.... what a sad situation to be in... good luck.
If you do decide to inform these grandparents, please don't do it with a birth announcement. In fact I'm wondering why you would send anybody an announcement. Would you put the father's name on it even though he wants nothing to do with it. That will start up some great rumor and gossip talks.
Write a personal letter to them and send a picture after the child is born. I would just write the father off as far as any financial help or support in any way. He is a jerk and nothing but a sperm donor.
If you do decide to inform these grandparents, please don't do it with a birth announcement. In fact I'm wondering why you would send anybody an announcement. Would you put the father's name on it even though he wants nothing to do with it. That will start up some great rumor and gossip talks.
Write a personal letter to them and send a picture after the child is born. I would just write the father off as far as any financial help or support in any way. He is a jerk and nothing but a sperm donor.
Excellent advice. Yes, no birth announcement to g/parents no matter how OP decides to handle this. If she feels she needs to make them aware, a letter and photo is the way to go.
OK, do NOT send a birth announcement to his parents. It's just not your place.
Your biggest concern shouldn't be the fact that his parents may or may not find out; it should be that he plans to be so uninvolved that he thinks he can hide it from them. He needs to man up and both be a father to the child and an adult son to his parents. He's 40 years old for goodness sakes.
Thank you each for your advice. Kind of mixed answers, but I appreciate it. Gives me different perspectives to think about.
To answer malamutes questions: I live about a 3 hour drive from his parents (and if I remember correctly, about a 20 drive away from my own parents, lol. My parents won't get the opportunity to see my child that much, but they still definitely want to know him and be apart of his life as much as possible.) If, hypothetically, my child's father and I would have married, we'd still be the same distance away, and they would know about and want to be apart of the child's life, so it's just a struggle to me to wrap my head around distance being a factor.
-I have met his several of his relatives before... I've known 2 of his cousins, who are close to him in age, longer than I've known him; they were some of the first people I met when I moved here. There was the birthday party of one of his maternal cousins right before Christmas, and I met several of his cousins at time; and soon after the new year, I met 2 of his mother's sisters and her brother when they were in town visiting for an event. So I've met these people, but don't know them, and doubt I'd ever see them randomly in life or run into them.
I guess my whole thing is... I have 2 uncles who has done this. We have a huge family (as my dad is one of 12 children, and of course, they all have children, and most have grandchildren now), and there are about 4 cousins that I didn't know existed until I was an adult (my sister, who is younger than me, randomly met 2 of them (who share the same mom) in high school). These are people that I wished I had known all along, just like the rest of my cousins, and I think my uncles were so wrong for not bringing them around. We all have a relationship now; but I never asked them how they feel/felt not knowing the other half of their family.
Again, thank you for the advice. I'm taking everything into consideration. I won't send a birth announcement, but I have no idea what to put in a letter if I was to send one.
Kibbiekat: "He needs to man up and both be a father to the child and an adult son to his parents. He's 40 years old for goodness sakes."
--I agree 100%. He surprised the hell out of me. I had no idea his true character until I told him I was pregnant, unfortunately. I've reviewed everything, in hindsight, and there was nothing that would indicate this would happen; but I've taken it all in stride. It hasn't been hard for me to deal with at all, disappointing, yes, but not difficult to deal with; I'm just concerned about my child, and the effects this will have on him as a person through every stage of life. I'm human; I'm a mother who wants to shield my child from all the hurt and pain that I can, not a person with my hands out for a few bucks from a set of grandparents who may or may not want anything to do with my child (as a previous poster indicated they'd feel if a woman told them they had a grandchild).
I don't know... I guess maybe it's just different the way some parents feel about children born (outside of a marriage) to a son as a daughter. Like I said, I live a long ways away from my parents, and I've definitely gone more than 9 months without seeing them since I've moved away. If a man contacted my parents and told them that they have a grandchild, my parents would be so hurt that I kept that from them; they wouldn't be able to understand. My parents aren't the type of people who would ignore their grandchild once made aware of his/her existence (but I know there are some people who do exactly that). I know I'm thinking about it from a woman's perspective in relation to my parents, because that's the only perspective I know; which is why I'm asking for other opinions so I can see things objectively and make a wise decision.
3 hours away isn't much and since you have met his relatives and they know about you, I don't think he can really expect to keep the child a secret. It's not just the older people, it's about the child -- does that child have a right to relatives?
If they reject your child - then you haven't really lossed anything, but they might not reject him and then your child has grandparents, maybe even to visit and spend time now and then. Your boyfriend isn't the only one that matters here. He doesn't really know what his parents want, this may be his only child and the parents would want to be a part of his/her life if you let them.
I am differing from pretty much everyone here, I think. You are having a baby with a man you don't even know well enough to know he doesn't want a baby. His parents and what they might or might not want are none of your business. Leave that family well enough alone.
You seem to have a Hallmark cards idea of babyhood. They are not a "blessing" as much as an enormous responsibility. Not everyone shares your view that the news will be greeted with rainbows, unicorns and puppydogs. The 40-Year Old Man™ has made his wishes clear, and you should respect them, regardless of what you think should happen. (I think he's a jerk, but that's neither here nor there.)
As other posters have stated, you have no idea what this man's relationship is with his parents, and frankly, you're too concerned with these people whom you've never met. Start stocking Pampers and get to working on finding that second job, dear, because you're going to need one.
I am differing from pretty much everyone here, I think. You are having a baby with a man you don't even know well enough to know he doesn't want a baby. His parents and what they might or might not want are none of your business. Leave that family well enough alone.
this is what I'm thinking too. This guy sounds like more of a sperm donor than a father. The OP could be opening a big can of worms if she tells them. This did happen in my family, though, and the mom told the dad's parents. They ended up being very loving and involved grandparents. In that case, the dad was not reachable so the mom told the only paternal family should could; and they lived in the same small town, and were bound to find out eventually anyway.
OP, I say wait it out. See what happens between you and baby daddy, and see if he decides to tell them himself.
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