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our experience boils down to this: the adopted child is the parents' choice. the bio child is what the parents get.
that "choice" is (in our opinion) what drives the emotional bonding. for example: we "did the the best we could"
vs. we "brought -child- into this world, and for bad or good, our responsibility never ends".
OP Here: I have unconditional love for my 2 children now 33 and 31 years of age. I can see the difference in my love for my children compared to that love my parents had for me in a deeper sense.
Anyway, thanks for your insight. I wonder if the replies disagreeing with me adopted children and not had / have biological ones.....Again, as I mentioned, there are exceptions!
In the normal spectrum of parenting, there will be some who love at a 10 and some at a 1 or 0. There will be parents who love at a 6. Or a 3. The average parent might love at an 8.
So what is your point here, op? That an adopted kid might only get an 8 instead of a 9? Hell, some other bio kid might only get a 4, so what are you complaining about?
Not that you can measure these things anyway, so this thread is just goofy.
Part of the problem is people who adopt for the wrong reasons. There are many Christians who push adoption for purposes of "rescuing" children. When the child is viewed as a "rescue" or a charity project, that's all wrong and creates the wrong relationship between parent and child. And a big chunk of the adoption industry in the USA is Christian-based organizations.
This article I'm posting the link to explains what's wrong with the Christian adoption movement in more detail:
The emotional bond between parent and child is more on the personality of the parent and their capacity to love then, be a natural birth or adoption.
Well said. This is the point I was trying to make.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ClaraC
One of my friends actually said to me, after her adopted son became estranged, "well, we've done what we could. I don't see how we could have done more. I do think we gave him a better life than he would have had otherwise". There is no way in the world she'd say that about her two bio kids. If they became estranged you'd have to shoot her now.
Yes, but there are plenty of parents in similar circumstances who do say the same thing about their bio kids.
It makes sense that adopted kids are more prone to feeling unwanted, especially when raised alongside bio kids. However, assuming the child is adopted for the right reasons, I can't see why they would NOT be loved as a bio child.
Of course, sometimes kids are adopted for the wrong reasons. Sometimes people have bio kids for the wrong reasons. Some people make better parents than others. Some kids are easier to raise than others. It's tough luck all around, no?
Family law is evolving - courts and CPS are now realizing the incredible trauma of removing children from biological families, even at birth. Even if the mother wants to relinquish the infant.
There is a sense of "we" in a biological family that does not form in an adopted family.
If children must be removed from biomom, he fares much better if placed with grandma or auntie. MUCH better, even if their homes are "less than" possible adopters.
Interesting how people that haven't ben adopted themselves pass judgement upon those that have been. "What are you complaining about, etc, etc"
No one realizes what the adoptee feels. I have spoke to a number of adoptees such as myself that always felt this way. I am just stating a position that should be taken into account if indeed one should adopt a child. Its that simple. Don't shun it, don't shoot the messenger.
I will say it time and time again, there are the exceptions!
Interesting how people that haven't ben adopted themselves pass judgement upon those that have been. "What are you complaining about, etc, etc"
No one realizes what the adoptee feels. I have spoke to a number of adoptees such as myself that always felt this way. I am just stating a position that should be taken into account if indeed one should adopt a child. !
One thing that I find distressing is that many adoptees cannot access their birth certificates.
All I can say is that I was a bio child and yet I was unwanted. I spent a lot of time mentally trying to construct a scenario under which I was actually adopted, which would mean I had a “real” family out there somewhere.
In the normal spectrum of parenting, there will be some who love at a 10 and some at a 1 or 0. There will be parents who love at a 6. Or a 3. The average parent might love at an 8.
So what is your point here, op? That an adopted kid might only get an 8 instead of a 9? Hell, some other bio kid might only get a 4, so what are you complaining about?
Not that you can measure these things anyway, so this thread is just goofy.
I gotta say the old "be grateful for whatever you get" trope directed at kids who were adopted is unsurprising yet still sort of crappy.
Acknowledging something makes it easier to move past. Adoptees should be able to talk about these things without being told to suck it up and how much worse they could have had it. Adoptive parents, indeed all parents, should be able to discuss these things as well. Its easy to say we all "love our children the same" but that just isn't always true, and its ok, maybe even necessary to acknowledge these things for the benefit of all involved.
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OP again: Read the article.....
