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Speaking of...Besides being a knight in shining armor, do you have anything to actually add to the conversation?
Yes I do, thanks for asking. What sheena12 had been told is also what my wife and I were told, when we were going through the adoption process. We were also told that most (all?) domestic adoptions are "open." My wife and I decided that we were not equipped to deal with the challenges that can come with adopting older children, nor were we interested in "co-parenting" with the birth parents; we wanted to be our children's only parents, in terms of their day-to-day and long-term upbringing.
It is for these reasons that we decided that domestic adoption was not for us, and so we went with international adoption.
FWIW, I think that the domestic adoption process is broken. It is too strongly skewed towards the interests of the birth parents, and does not put the best interests of the child first and foremost. And certainly, the adoptive parents are given short shrift. I've heard the horror stories of the "bad old days" of secret adoptions and falsified birth certificates and the kids never being provided with any information about their birth parents, and I'm not advocating a return to those days. But I think that the pendulum has swung too far the other way, and I think that this will cause long-term harm to the very people it is ostensibly designed to help: the children.
Yes I do, thanks for asking. What sheena12 had been told is also what my wife and I were told, when we were going through the adoption process. We were also told that most (all?) domestic adoptions are "open." My wife and I decided that we were not equipped to deal with the challenges that can come with adopting older children, nor were we interested in "co-parenting" with the birth parents; we wanted to be our children's only parents, in terms of their day-to-day and long-term upbringing.
It is for these reasons that we decided that domestic adoption was not for us, and so we went with international adoption.
FWIW, I think that the domestic adoption process is broken. It is too strongly skewed towards the interests of the birth parents, and does not put the best interests of the child first and foremost. And certainly, the adoptive parents are given short shrift. I've heard the horror stories of the "bad old days" of secret adoptions and falsified birth certificates and the kids never being provided with any information about their birth parents, and I'm not advocating a return to those days. But I think that the pendulum has swung too far the other way, and I think that this will cause long-term harm to the very people it is ostensibly designed to help: the children.
Another excellent post, and I absolutely 100% agree with the last paragraph, in particular.
While I agree that all processes of adoption are broken, esp through the state, I think it is sad and unhealthy that people want a child to *poof* be free of their FOO or any desire to know them.
I think it is a falsehood (from what I have been taught and what we live) that a child can't have a relationship with both adoptive and birth families...and the happening of that would any way lessen the love they have for their adoptive families.
I will look for stats later but I have been "taught" by social workers and adoption workers that reunification rarely is a long term or solid relationship and the several people I know who have gone down that road had a much closer emotional relationship with their adoptive family. Once their desire to know their birth family is met, it is usually a little like knowing a stranger or there is too much baggage to create a solid relationship.
Its about being secure in your relationship with your child that you would allow them to have a relationship with other people. Your child didn't ask to be adopted (in most cases) or go through the process...the focus is on their best interest. If you can't see how some of this is in the child's best interest, then I see an insecure parent.
Back to the OP...I didn't click on your other post (did anyone?)...your sister and brother have a lot more troubles going on then if their child goes back to their FOO. Their child should be in residential care for being a sexual abuser.
Yes I do, thanks for asking. What sheena12 had been told is also what my wife and I were told, when we were going through the adoption process. We were also told that most (all?) domestic adoptions are "open." My wife and I decided that we were not equipped to deal with the challenges that can come with adopting older children, nor were we interested in "co-parenting" with the birth parents; we wanted to be our children's only parents, in terms of their day-to-day and long-term upbringing.
It is for these reasons that we decided that domestic adoption was not for us, and so we went with international adoption.
FWIW, I think that the domestic adoption process is broken. It is too strongly skewed towards the interests of the birth parents, and does not put the best interests of the child first and foremost. And certainly, the adoptive parents are given short shrift. I've heard the horror stories of the "bad old days" of secret adoptions and falsified birth certificates and the kids never being provided with any information about their birth parents, and I'm not advocating a return to those days. But I think that the pendulum has swung too far the other way, and I think that this will cause long-term harm to the very people it is ostensibly designed to help: the children.
Glad everyone can have their own way of parenting. Mine is just the opposite of yours.
I adopted two kids, now adults, from US foster care and was required to have contact with all of their birth parents and 4 birth siblings in 3 placement for one child and 3 birth siblings in 3 placements for the other child. So yes, it was an extended family, but I still have relationships with many of the birth family members, and do enjoy them as friends.
The next two kids I adopted, I adopted internationally, not to avoid dealing with the birth families, but to have less traumatized and not severe special needs kids. I really do believe that keeping the primary birth relationships in place was good for the first two kids, and we expanded that to include grandparents and an aunt that one child was close to.
Now my internationally adopted two kids also have a relationship with their birth and foster families. We return to their country of origin every few years to keep in contact, and so they get to know their birth country better. They also grant micro loans through Kiva to some of the folks in their birth country, which I use to help them learn about a hand up and not a hand out. Someday they will take over the relationship with their birth and foster families and need to know what helps people and what hinders them from helping themselves. Again, teaching them how to deal with the birth families when they are adults.
I do agree that the foster care adoption process is flawed and in many cases corrupt. It is a money machine and as long as social workers are paid their salaries (and there is thus a justifiable need for them to be employed) through the process it can not be fixed.
I know an adoptive couple who lets their son (and encourages it) keep in contact with his birth mother (birth mom gave the son up for adoption as she just couldn't care for him). Their reasoning is that they don't want him not knowing his other biological siblings and having too many questions about who he is when he grows up. I don't know if I'd do the same, but I don't condemn the couple for doing so.
Still, as one who is big on family research (and hearing from now grown adopted individuals talk about how frustrating it is not knowing who their family is as they try to find more about their family history/who they are), I am not shocked that some adopted children go back to their biological relatives when they reach adulthood. And, in some instances, I support it, especially if this "going back" is done respectfully and the adopted children don't forget who raised them!
I know an adoptive couple who lets their son (and encourages it) keep in contact with his birth mother (birth mom gave the son up for adoption as she just couldn't care for him). Their reasoning is that they don't want him not knowing his other biological siblings and having too many questions about who he is when he grows up. I don't know if I'd do the same, but I don't condemn the couple for doing so.
Still, as one who is big on family research (and hearing from now grown adopted individuals talk about how frustrating it is not knowing who their family is as they try to find more about their family history/who they are), I am not shocked that some adopted children go back to their biological relatives when they reach adulthood. And, in some instances, I support it, especially if this "going back" is done respectfully and the adopted children don't forget who raised them!
I don't "condemn" anyone for wanting an open adoption. I do not condemn it, but I do not want it for myself or for my family. As bus man stated, we did not want to "co-parent". We wanted to be the only parents. Certainly, another person gave birth to our daughter, but she did not want to parent at that time. We did.
Further, I think these situations cause confusion and can encourage "splitting" behavior".
I also agree with bus man that the domestic foster adoption system is broken. We went from one extreme to another.
In the hierarchy of domestic foster adoption today, birth parents are first, children a far second, and the desires and needs of prospective parents are essentially, not considered.
When I became pregnant with my biological son it was intentional. My husband and I did not conceive a child out of altruistic motivation - we did so, because we wanted to love, raise and nurture a child. We wanted to pass our beliefs and values on to that child. When we adopted our daughter it was for the same reasons. Not because we felt sorry for the poor orphans in Korea. Because we wanted more children.
The purpose of adoption is to build a family. One individual can not or will not raise a child. Or has done things to render them unfit to raise children.
Another couple or individual comes forward and wants children. They are prepared and have the qualifications to parent. So, there is an adoption. And a new family is formed.
Yes. There can be different variations. However, when an adoption is so "open" that it includes relatives, siblings, grandparents and abusive and neglectful ex-parents - it seems more like a ministry or and altruistic endeavor than an attempt to form a family. More like extended babysitting. or a group home.
My daughter is very interested in her ancestors. To her, they are the people from whom we are descended. Recently, while visiting my parents in North Carolina, I was really moved by the interest that she look in looking at early photographs of our family members. No, she does not look like them, but the interests, values, attitudes, and personality of the people in these ancient pictures have been passed on to our daughter. Our ancestors have become hers. We are her "real" family. And she is their descendant as much as I am.
For all of us in our family, that is when adoption works best.
(PS I volunteer in many ways to help children - but that is separate and aside from our desire to have our own family).
My daughter is very interested in her ancestors. To her, they are the people from whom we are descended. Recently, while visiting my parents in North Carolina, I was really moved by the interest that she look in looking at early photographs of our family members. No, she does not look like them, but the interests, values, attitudes, and personality of the people in these ancient pictures have been passed on to our daughter. Our ancestors have become hers. We are her "real" family. And she is their descendant as much as I am.
I tried to rep you again, but too soon. I totally agree with this. My children belong to my family, which means that my ancestors are their ancestors too.
I can promise you all with an open adoption we are not "co parenting" with anyone. It's absurd to call it that. It's a relationship based on respect for our child. I feel bad for kids being raised in such closed minded situations. I wonder if they are allowed to fully express their feelings. I would doubt it.
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