Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I tried to rep you again, but too soon. I totally agree with this. My children belong to my family, which means that my ancestors are their ancestors too.
I tried also. But it was too soon. I'll get you soon!
I agree completely - when an adoption takes place we share a common heritage - as well as ancestors.
Back to the OP...I didn't click on your other post (did anyone?)...your sister and brother have a lot more troubles going on then if their child goes back to their FOO. Their child should be in residential care for being a sexual abuser.
Oh, I agree completely. That's what started the whole mess with my Inlaws and why they still aren't speaking to us. I was researching residential programs (not necessarily for sexual offenders but more for dealing with his own history of sexual abuse and other forms of abuse which I think have caused the lack of boundary issues and confusion) and then we decided our children shouldn't be around him, and strongly suggested they needed to seek additional treatment for them all.
SIL hasn't spoken to us or seen us since May 2014. BIL did not see his nieces for a solid year and then one more time since then. He and my husband have had dinner about 3 or 4 times in the last year. A few weeks ago when DH tried to talk about it with him, BIL exploded, started yelling at him, blamed everything on me, then stormed out and slammed our front door. It was silent the last three weeks until Friday when he called to have dinner today with DH. I think their parents called him.
BIL and SIL are now very close to being forced to sell their house. SIL quit her job to homeschool Allan. She and a colleague have a counseling business (SIL is a LCC) but doesn't have enough clients to bring in enough income. Next month they won't have enough money to pay their bills. I don't know why they don't put him back in school (probably a different school) and she goes back to work (middle school counselor). I guess they don't think he can handle being in school, which begs the question of how much progress they have made if he can't even handle being in a social, organized, authoritative setting like school.
In desperation, I filled out one of the "be on the show" forms at Dr. Phil. I received a response the next day. I haven't responded yet with all of the additional info. I don't know if it is worth it to risk the wrath of everyone. At this point, I feel like Allan needs a residential placement, SIL needs a 90 assault recovery and emotional health program and BIL needs the 90 alone for some intensive therapy to deal with his boiling anger and general feelings on the subject. They ALL need a break. Together, they are just toxic to each other.
My sister says none of it is my business, and I struggle with just letting it all unfold. I am just torn over the idea that a child is involved and deserves a better chance. I feel strongly he has been verbally and emotionally abused and by their lack of parenting and failure to provide him with the mental health help he needs that they have neglected him. I believe he would have been off if he had never come to their home and could have been adopted by another family.
But, my hands are tied and no one else really seems to want to intervene so we all sit on the sidelines and will watch their lives come crumbling down.
That is stealing from your child their autonomy of knowing and celebrating their own birth culture. SMH
Why is it not possible to know and celebrate both birth and adoptive "cultures"?
This is certainly the case in my own extended family, which includes two young relatives, now teens, who were adopted from Eastern Europe when they were elementary age. They wear "Irish for a Day" buttons on March 17, referencing their adoptive family's heritage, and enjoy hearing stories from our family's past, while their family has always valued and included their children's native country's customs and history in their lives - everyone's lives.
Foods from their native land entered the menu, a flag of their birth country hung on their bedroom wall when they were smaller, folktales from their birth country became bedtime stories, efforts were made to preserve their native language (which their parents studied prior to their adoption journey), and the family hopes to visit their children's much-loved native land in a few years.
It seems to me that openly acknowledging and honoring both adoptive and birth heritages only enriches the lives of children and parents and other family members.
Why is it not possible to know and celebrate both birth and adoptive "cultures"?
This is certainly the case in my own extended family, which includes two young relatives, now teens, who were adopted from Eastern Europe when they were elementary age. They wear "Irish for a Day" buttons on March 17, referencing their adoptive family's heritage, and enjoy hearing stories from our family's past, while their family has always valued and included their children's native country's customs and history in their lives - everyone's lives.
Foods from their native land entered the menu, a flag of their birth country hung on their bedroom wall when they were smaller, folktales from their birth country became bedtime stories, efforts were made to preserve their native language (which their parents studied prior to their adoption journey), and the family hopes to visit their children's much-loved native land in a few years.
It seems to me that openly acknowledging and honoring both adoptive and birth heritages only enriches the lives of children and parents and other family members.
It is absolutely proper and wonderful to celebrate both. My reply was to people who poof away their child's birth cultures.
Why is it not possible to know and celebrate both birth and adoptive "cultures"?
This is certainly the case in my own extended family, which includes two young relatives, now teens, who were adopted from Eastern Europe when they were elementary age. They wear "Irish for a Day" buttons on March 17, referencing their adoptive family's heritage, and enjoy hearing stories from our family's past, while their family has always valued and included their children's native country's customs and history in their lives - everyone's lives.
Foods from their native land entered the menu, a flag of their birth country hung on their bedroom wall when they were smaller, folktales from their birth country became bedtime stories, efforts were made to preserve their native language (which their parents studied prior to their adoption journey), and the family hopes to visit their children's much-loved native land in a few years.
It seems to me that openly acknowledging and honoring both adoptive and birth heritages only enriches the lives of children and parents and other family members.
My daughter isn't interested in Korea or Korean things. Koreans do not think of adoptees as "real Koreans" and she has had some bad experiences with them. Once a Korean mother (from Korea) terminated a friendship. Another Korean American high school student baby sat for us once - and then called to say that her mom "only wants me to sit for kids from my church". (a Korean church)
She has a Hambok as I do, and we wore them to multi cultural day at her elementary school.
We did all of the things recommended by "Adoptive Families" magazine. We tried Korean language lessons. She didn't enjoy them. She likes Korean food - we all do. But she prefers sauerkraut to kimchee. There is an amazing Korean vegetarian restaurant in NYC that we all visit when we are in the area.
The fact is, race is a social construct. Non adopted Koreans and other Asians, in our experience, view adoptees as "lower class" and hold them in low regard. That is a fact.
My daughter has many friends from many different backgrounds - but only one who is Asian. She was adopted from China and is being raised in a Jewish family. She is culturally Jewish.
Our daughter loves her heritage and has a huge interest in our shared ancestry.
When she does a year abroad in college, not surprisingly, she is thinking of England, Scotland, Ireland, Germany and Scandinavia.
She was adopted at four months, CraigCreek. Unlike your relatives, she remembers nothing. So it's a little different in her case.
How common is this? My mother (a social worker) has worked with several families who raised children (say from age 7ish or up) who as soon as they turned 18, went back to their families of origin and cut ties with their adopted families. The children were often troubled, but the situations were generally happy and seemed successful.
and my mother feels strongly he will return to his FOO as soon as he can. It breaks my heart to think of how heartbroken my BIL and SIL would be. THey still aren't speaking to us, but I still don't want them to be hurt like this.
I was wondering how often this happens or if anyone has any stories about it.
I had a similar situation with my own kids, but it was their dad they preferred even though I was the one who did the hard yards in raising them. It happens with natural families too.
My daughter is finally - FINALLY - starting to come back. Its been a rough 5 years for me.
My therapist said "she's nearly 23 - which is the exact right age for her brain to finish growing" apparently most children do a complete revision of their lives at about this age - later for boys, around 26.
This is the time they realize how revolting they've been and stop blaming the parent for every little thing.
My daughter is right on schedule as she turns 23 next week.
Sometimes, time will heal. Those other families look wonderful when everyone's on their best behavior, but time WILL tell. Those kids end up coming back.
Non adopted Koreans and other Asians, in our experience, view adoptees as "lower class" and hold them in low regard. That is a fact.
I'm really sorry that this has been your experience. Maybe we're just lucky, but we haven't found this to be the case with us. We live in a community with a substantial Asian presence, including Asian-Americans (as in, "regular" Americans who happen to be Asian) as well as first and second generation Asians, mainly Koreans. The American Asians perceive my kids as being just like them and interact with them accordingly. The Koreans here have always been very nice to my kids, and some of them have even thanked me for adopting kids from their homeland. They know what happens to orphaned kids in their society who aren't fortunate enough to be adopted out. The adoption-agency social workers kept warning me to be prepared for negative reactions from Korean people, but in my almost nine years of being an adoptive parent, it hasn't happened yet.
Both my kids have friends of various races. Though, up until fairly recently, my son showed a marked preference for his fellow Asians. It's not that he disliked anyone else, and he never verbalized any particular preference, but he seemed to instinctively gravitate towards other Asians. Lately, though, he's broadened his friendship base. My daughter likes everyone, Asians and non-Asians alike.
American father who didn't want her, Vietnamese mother who wanted her but couldn't afford her, also being half American she was rejected by her mothers family as Unclean.
She went to an orphanage but remembers her mother visiting her often.
From there she was adopted out to Australia. Her parents have several natural and adopted children.
She went back and tried to find her records but the orphanage had been burnt down at some stage. She found one of the nuns though, who remembered her and hugged her and cried.
All very dissatisfactory really but she loved her adoptive family so it really didn't make that much difference - they supported her through the entire quest.
So she is Australian, to all intents and purposes - indeed she's a beautiful, tall girl, most unVietnamese like, so you would never pick it, but once she told me I realized she has the Asian hair, very straight and black.
Most people down here are a bit caramel coloured anyway so no biggie. Multiculturalism rocks.
I'm really sorry that this has been your experience. Maybe we're just lucky, but we haven't found this to be the case with us. We live in a community with a substantial Asian presence, including Asian-Americans (as in, "regular" Americans who happen to be Asian) as well as first and second generation Asians, mainly Koreans. The American Asians perceive my kids as being just like them and interact with them accordingly. The Koreans here have always been very nice to my kids, and some of them have even thanked me for adopting kids from their homeland. They know what happens to orphaned kids in their society who aren't fortunate enough to be adopted out. The adoption-agency social workers kept warning me to be prepared for negative reactions from Korean people, but in my almost nine years of being an adoptive parent, it hasn't happened yet.
Both my kids have friends of various races. Though, up until fairly recently, my son showed a marked preference for his fellow Asians. It's not that he disliked anyone else, and he never verbalized any particular preference, but he seemed to instinctively gravitate towards other Asians. Lately, though, he's broadened his friendship base. My daughter likes everyone, Asians and non-Asians alike.
We were warned also. And so far, it's been true. We have found Koreans to be disproving. When we lived back in NY, there was a large Korean population, the Koreans - mostly first and second generation - mostly stuck together. The difference may be that they were rather recent emigres.We bought a house in an multicultural area on purpose. But, it did not work out the way we had hoped.
Our daughter has friends of every race as well. She does not dislike Koreans - but she doesn't go out of her way to befriend Asians of any sort, over any other racial group. I know she'd welcome a Korean friend - but it hasn't happened.
Now we live in the Midwest and there were only three Asians in her graduation class. None Korean. She was friendly with one of the boys. But I would not call him a close friend.
Now she's a freshman at college out of state. Five percent of the students are Asian. We'll see what happens.
My daughter LIKES everyone. Neither of our children are prejudiced at all and have friends of many races and ethnicities. Despite her bad experiences, she understands that it's a cultural attitude, and that it has nothing to do with her as a person.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'll get you soon! 
