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A woman accompanied her aging husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia. I have poor circulation & I hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 88 or 92. I have lost all my friends.
But, thank goodness, I still have my driver's license.
A couple of weeks ago some friends came over to watch a baseball game and there was a CarShield commercial that came on where cops are interrogating a man who chuckled and one of the cops yelled, " You think this is a joke?"
That instantly brought back memories of when my brother and I were around 13-15 years old. We asked our parents one night if we could spend the night at our friends' house, which was in our old neighborhood 10 miles away. They gave us permission and dropped us off in front of their house. When we knocked on their door the kid and his brother came out and said their parents went out for the night and that they told them they were spending the night at our house.
We ended up roaming around the neighborhood all night, sitting in a field near the airport watching planes land and take off, looking over a fence and watching the drive-in movies, eating apples from a tree. There was a curfew so every time a cop would drive by we would run, hop fences or hide in the bushes.
By the time it started to get light out we were too tired to run and when the next cop drove by we gave ourselves up. He said, "we've been chasing you guys all night, you run like jack rabbits." I saw his notebook on the seat and he had our descriptions written down. " 4 long-haired caucasion teens."
When we were in the police station this one cop was trying to scare us, telling us we were seen in the park throwing lawn chairs in the pool, knocking over trash cans and waxing windows. That made me laugh and he yelled, " You think this is a joke?"
I replied, " No...this is a joke." I told him the old one about the bear and the squirrel who were out in the woods each taking a crap behind some bushes. The bear asked the squirrel if he ever had problems with poop sticking to his fur. The squirrel answered, " No, never."
Then the bear picked up the squirrel, wiped his butt with him, threw him in the bushes and walked away. All the cops were laughing hysterically and the cop who was trying to scare us said he'll have to remember that one to tell his wife. I figured as long as I was on a roll I would tell them a couple of dirty limericks. When they finished laughing, they said we could go.
Our friends only lived a mile from the police station so they walked home. One of the cops drove my brother and me to the county line and dropped us off there because he had no jurisdiction past that, which was fine with us since we didn't want him pulling in our driveway.
After I told my friends this story no one was interested in the baseball game anymore, we just spent the day sharing memories.
A woman talks to her friend about her two adult children: a son and a daughter. My son was unlucky in his marriage. He married a lazy woman who never gets up before 10, spends her time at the hairdresser's and fortunes on clothes for herself. My poor son works all day and she doesn't even prepare his food when he arrives.
Her friend laments and then asks about her daughter.
Ohhh... her fate was very different. She married a wonderful man. She never needs to get up before 10, she can spend her time at the hairdresser's and he provides her enough money so she can spend all in clothes she wants to buy on her. Her husband works all day and she doesn't even have to worry about feeding him since he procures his own dinner.
If I ever win the lottery, I'd stay the same person I am today.
My poor decisions, however, would become gloriously epic.
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