Empathy not necessarily what it's cracked up to be? (men, characteristics, problems)
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I thought this was interesting, since we're so often told that empathy is the universal solution.
Empathy Is Exhausting. There Is a Better Way.
That Numbness You’re Feeling? There’s a Word for It.
Although they’re often used interchangeably, empathy and compassion aren’t the same. Empathy absorbs others’ emotions as your own: “I’m hurting for you.” Compassion focuses your action on their emotions: “I see that you’re hurting, and I’m here for you.”
Another difference is that empathy makes us ache. Neuroscientists can see it in brain scans. Dr. Klimecki, Dr. Singer and their colleagues trained people to empathize by trying to feel other people’s pain. When the participants saw someone suffering, it activated a neural network that would light up if they themselves were in pain. It hurt. And when people can’t help, they escape the pain by withdrawing. https://www.nytimes.com/2024/01/01/o...athy-pain.html
Empathy is NOT sympathy. SYM - taking on the characteristics of another. Sympathetic vibration in science is one guitar string vibrating at the same frequency of another because it is near it and has that capability. THAT would be what the NYT calls "taking on the pain of another."
Empathy is having an UNDERSTANDING of the pain of another without claiming it as one's own pain. Here is where it gets tricky. In "Star Trek" the "empath" took on the pain of a civilization to allow it to progress. That was TV, and not reality. Empaths CAN and often do feel the pain of others, but their own strength means that it does not debilitate them - it might activate them to respond in certain ways, but the ownership of the pain is not usurped. That pain belongs to that other person. To claim it as personal is a deceit and an ego inflation.
Compassion quite often comes from those who have a measure of empathy. Compassion can also be cold and calculated. "I understand that this person/group is in distress, and I will help ... because I might be in a similar situation and would also want help."
Mod cut.
The one point the NYT gets right is that most people withdraw completely or deny when confronted with pain.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 01-16-2024 at 09:19 AM..
Reason: Political.
The idea that empathy is exhausting is nonsense. I don't see how a statement about immigration has anything to do w/ any of this either. There is no way on earth that at this moment in time it isn't a political statement.
The nuance that I personally place on the words empathy, sympathy, and compassion, is this:
Empathy is largely a matter (IMO) of having a functioning imagination. You may have never experienced the exact situation that someone is going through, yet you can think about it and have a pretty good idea of how that might feel. And you do allow yourself to be aware and affected by the emotional states of other people around you. You are aware enough to pick up nonverbal signals and cues, and you also have some degree of interest in how those around you may be feeling.
People I have met who lack empathy, also typically have very little imagination. One in particular that I know, thinks that it is a strength but I've personally seen how great a handicap it is for him. He finds it very difficult to make smart choices about who to trust, because he can't imagine himself in their shoes operating with their motivations. He cannot see the world from their perspective, even as a thinking exercise. He has been misled and taken advantage of many times because of this. And he can't understand how his own behaviors might make someone else feel, so he doesn't understand when he experiences the interpersonal consequences of them. Other people's feelings are a complete mystery to him. He has struggled to keep relationships and jobs because of this. He does not even understand the concept of empathy, either, he thinks it's a magical ability like a radio antenna to pick up invisible vibes or something. In reality, it's just reading and noticing nonverbal information, and extrapolating it in your mind to attempt an understanding of another person's state.
Sympathy, however, involves not only understanding (or trying to understand) how someone else might feel. It involves "sympathizing"...taking their side in a way. Even if that is just a matter of taking a stance in your opinions that validates their situation, or saying perhaps that you would if not for some conflicting point "I sympathize with you being broke and hungry, but stealing IS against the law..." as an example. There is a layer of acknowledgement and validation there. Think of all the words that are attached to this one..."sympathizer" for instance, to describe someone who allies themselves with an ideology or leader...
Compassion is, in my thinking, perhaps a more expansive concept. Like, a person can have a high degree of empathy as a trait of their personality, or compassion, but you would not say that an individual has high sympathy. Sympathy implies a specific subject. Empathy and compassion can have one but don't have to. Compassion is either a more broad sympathy for many suffering people, or even a personal drive to charitable behavior.
Empathy - "I think I understand how you are feeling."
Sympathy - "I understand how you are feeling and I validate your position about it."
Compassion - "I understand how you are feeling, and I see your humanity and your suffering, and I may be moved to try to help you."
I think that in any of these things...there's a point where it can be exhausting, but none of them HAVE to be. We always have to seek balance. A place where you're engaged enough with other people around you, but not martyring yourself. Things don't always have to be at the extreme ends of any spectrum.
Empathy not necessarily what it's cracked up to be?
From my perspective, one either has it - or they don’t. That said, empathy (the awareness of another’s feelings) usually precedes compassion (concern/care for their suffering) along with (potential) action relative to such.
Empathy helps us to build social connections, communicate and feel connected, all necessary for our optimal well-being. In fact, a lack of empathy is seen in various mental health disturbances i.e. they have a hindered ability to think, identify or care how another person may be feeling. They feel entitled to lash out, no holds barred.
Empathy -- Understanding how another might feel or perceive a situation, even if you don't feel that way. For example, my daughter is highly sensitive so I understand how she feels because I understand her. I do not necessarily feel the same way or take on her feelings.
The term I like to use is "detachment with love." That being reserved, of course, for those I do truly love. Otherwise detachment with concern might be appropriate.
To me that says, "I see you have a mess and distress to match. As best as I am able I am trying to understand how that feels." It also recognizes that none of us can depend on others to deal with our feelings or fix our messes. That can only be done by the person who has the problem. In fact if it happens too often that others fix your messes they disable you and prevent you from ever learning how to do it yourself. So it's not a very loving act at all.
"Without the struggle there can be no strength." (Thanks, Oprah.) It's what I need to remind myself every time I see a newly hatched chick flail about trying to break free of the shell.
Before I learned about the detachment part I was a bit useless to help others in distress. Sometimes I felt like I was as hurt and panicky as they were.
Frequently I hear people who call themselves empaths complaining about how the world's woes weigh them down and I cringe. A guideline - be strong enough not to hurt yourself because others are hurting and you can be part of the solution.
The term I like to use is "detachment with love." That being reserved, of course, for those I do truly love. Otherwise detachment with concern might be appropriate.
To me that says, "I see you have a mess and distress to match. As best as I am able I am trying to understand how that feels." It also recognizes that none of us can depend on others to deal with our feelings or fix our messes. That can only be done by the person who has the problem. In fact if it happens too often that others fix your messes they disable you and prevent you from ever learning how to do it yourself. So it's not a very loving act at all.
"Without the struggle there can be no strength." (Thanks, Oprah.) It's what I need to remind myself every time I see a newly hatched chick flail about trying to break free of the shell.
Before I learned about the detachment part I was a bit useless to help others in distress. Sometimes I felt like I was as hurt and panicky as they were.
Frequently I hear people who call themselves empaths complaining about how the world's woes weigh them down and I cringe. A guideline - be strong enough not to hurt yourself because others are hurting and you can be part of the solution.
You make some good points and I agree "detachment with concern" but also it is just about reflecting back what you understand the person is feeling without offering a solution.
For example, when my mother unexpectedly died during a chaotic hospital stay, I had anger as well as grief. Some people would try to defend the medical practitioners and how I needed to let go of my feelings. My physician noted my weight loss and when I shared the circumstances of my mother's death, he simply stated, "so, you are not only grieving but struggling with unanswered questions about her death." He didn't offer any solutions other than to mention that grief counseling is available if I wanted it. But in that moment, I felt a sense of peace that finally someone understood what I was feeling and validated it. I didn't need a solution. This is empathy.
Last edited by Maddie104; 01-19-2024 at 01:10 PM..
I thought this was interesting, since we're so often told that empathy is the universal solution.
Empathy Is Exhausting. There Is a Better Way.
That Numbness You’re Feeling? There’s a Word for It.
Although they’re often used interchangeably, empathy and compassion aren’t the same. Empathy absorbs others’ emotions as your own: “I’m hurting for you.” Compassion focuses your action on their emotions: “I see that you’re hurting, and I’m here for you.”
Another difference is that empathy makes us ache. Neuroscientists can see it in brain scans. Dr. Klimecki, Dr. Singer and their colleagues trained people to empathize by trying to feel other people’s pain. When the participants saw someone suffering, it activated a neural network that would light up if they themselves were in pain. It hurt. And when people can’t help, they escape the pain by withdrawing. https://www.nytimes.com/2024/01/01/o...athy-pain.html
I agree empathy is indeed exhausting. In addition to one’s own anxieties and worry you take on the burden of other’s as if your own. Worst part is that there is nothing you can really do about it, at least you have resources to deal with your own troubles. The ache is real, you really ache for the person’s trouble and pain.
Often men are thought to have less empathy than women. There may be some scientific data out there but i am too lazy to look it up. In real life experience women complain about men’s lack of empathy more than men ever do. Do they even notice the women in their life lack empathy? If you dont have empathy yourself you would not notice the lack of it in others.
I dont think one can learn to develop empathy. You either have it or you dont. The best you can do is to fake it. And that is not a bad thing.
I agree empathy is indeed exhausting. In addition to one’s own anxieties and worry you take on the burden of other’s as if your own.
Empathy is simply the ability to consider what someone else might be thinking or feeling (sans thinking how it affects you); it does not mean you take on others’ problems as your own. That said, (evidence exists) its origin is innate in humans (but develops/strengthens over time - or not).
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