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Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FordBronco1967
While not the entirety of the problem, I think that we as a society being less religious has something to do with it. Honor thy father and thy mother seems to have fallen off the wayside.
For example, there seems to be a lot of younger people who will not answer their parent's phone calls or answer their parent's text messages. I'm a member of Gen-Z and my parents complain that my siblings won't respond to their phone calls or text messages. My aunts and uncles complain about the same thing with my cousins. Heck, even my mother's hair dresser was complaining about the same thing with her children. And I'm talking about grown children, even into their thirties.
I don't understand it. Not responding to your parents or grandparents is a foreign concept to me. And I'm not saying they should drop everything they're doing and respond immediately. But, I'm talking about they're not responding at all. It's strange, that's for sure.
You bring up an interesting point on religion. I’m a Gen Y atheist and I could make an argument that a major first abuser of many people growing up is a “God.” They get pounded into them at least once a week, if you do X, you’ll go to hell. Then they go home and get reamed by their parents for unharmful things like showing attraction to the same sex, secular music, not forgiving people that actually harmed them. If your parents are the closest thing to “God” and they are cold-hearted bullies, why’d would you pray to a judgement filled terrorist?
In cases for many of my peers, the parents have not done a thing to make anyone want to honor them or they have done everything to remove any honor from them.
Last edited by The Dissenter; 02-08-2024 at 07:49 PM..
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,723,992 times
Reputation: 41381
As for myself, I admit that not having a very close relationship with my mother is on purpose. I saw too many signs of being her son-husband. The son-husband thing is toxic and will destroy everything around the son. I think physically moving away was the only reason I didn’t lose myself to that issue. I have strict boundaries in place for this relationship so I don’t feel like I have to estrange myself but I have to be very vigilant to keep to those.
My dad has been dead for over 10+ years, but there were major periods of estrangement between us. He just could never consistently be a positive presence in my life and the cycle of being let down like that was too much for me to take so I felt like I had to cut him off or risk emotionally stalling myself forever.
You bring up an interesting point on religion. I’m a Gen Y atheist and I could make an argument that a major first abuser of many people growing up is a “God.” They get pounded into them at least once a week, if you do X, you’ll go to hell. Then they go home and get reamed by their parents for unharmful things like showing attraction to the same sex, secular music, not forgiving people that actually harmed them. If your parents are the closest thing to “God” and they are cold-hearted bullies, why’d would you pray to a judgement filled terrorist?
In cases for many of my peers, the parents have not done a thing to make anyone want to honor them or they have done everything to remove any honor from them.
We were never religious growing up. I was baptized as an infant, but that's it. In fact, the only religious people in my family, i.e. actually attend church at least once a month, are the only group within our family not to have issues between the parents and children. It is my opinion that the Ten Commandments is the greatest moral code ever known to mankind. Remove the religious context if you must, but if everyone followed the Ten Commandments, the world would be a much better and kinder place to live.
Like I said, I don't think being less religious is the entire problem. But I think it does contribute. Although I do admit that correlation does not necessarily equal causation.
Also, there's an interesting distinction as to why God commands us to honor our parents but love our neighbors. Dennis Prager has an excellent essay on this topic that I will not dare attempt to summarize, as my summary would not do it justice.
It’s sickening that social engineering has fooled many into believing they don’t have to endure any imperfections or difficulties in their relationships with family and friends. I know a few who hurl vague, unprovable accusations as justification for their neglect of parents and other family. They self-righteously set boundaries because they don’t have the courage to have a mature conversation and find a basis to forgive.
Letting someone or something convince you that you can just replace friends, parents and family then leaves you open to the manipulations of randoms.
Of course, estrangement stemming from genuine breaches of trust, neglect, abuse, or lack of love are not what the OP is referring to.
Last edited by winterbird; 02-08-2024 at 08:51 PM..
It’s sickening that social engineering has fooled many into believing they don’t have to endure any imperfections or difficulties in their relationships with family and friends. I know a few who hurl vague, unprovable accusations as justification for their neglect of parents and other family. They self-righteously set boundaries because they don’t have the courage to have a mature conversation and find a basis to forgive.
Letting someone or something convince you that you can just replace friends, parents and family then leaves you open to the manipulations of randoms.
Of course, estrangement stemming from genuine breaches of trust, neglect, abuse, or lack of love are not what the OP is referring to.
It’s sickening that social engineering has fooled many into believing they don’t have to endure any imperfections or difficulties in their relationships with family and friends. I know a few who hurl vague, unprovable accusations as justification for their neglect of parents and other family. They self-righteously set boundaries because they don’t have the courage to have a mature conversation and find a basis to forgive.
Letting someone or something convince you that you can just replace friends, parents and family then leaves you open to the manipulations of randoms.
Of course, estrangement stemming from genuine breaches of trust, neglect, abuse, or lack of love are not what the OP is referring to.
You worded this very insightfully.
As a mother, I honestly believe there is nothing any of my children could do that would make me choose total estrangement from them, nothing that could sever my love for them. I've always understood that this unconditional love flows in one direction from parent to child. It transcends flaws, poor choices, difficulties, cruel words, mistakes, and sins of every type.
I think sometimes, when an adult child becomes a parent, they begin to grasp the depth of a parent's unconditional love (yet I realize that not all children grow up with it, sadly).
I'm not saying that huge amounts of time must be spent together in adulthood, that agreement on controversial issues must always exist, that there is no tension or difficulty, or even that the relationship feels "close." For me, my unconditional love means I always want the best for my children, I believe in their potential to bring good into the world (even if they aren't doing so at the moment), and that I will always be here to support and help in appropriate, healthy ways if they need me. I will never turn my back on them.
Well, I'm Gen X. I have shut out my parents. There is a long history there that I do not intend on getting into on this thread, but it had nothing to do with, 'I think I know more than they do', or 'They are backwards thinking', or 'being a social justice warrior'.
Not all parents are great, or even good, and sometimes, you have to cut out the toxic people in your life.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Three Wolves In Snow
Well, I'm Gen X. I have shut out my parents. There is a long history there that I do not intend on getting into on this thread, but it had nothing to do with, 'I think I know more than they do', or 'They are backwards thinking', or 'being a social justice warrior'.
Not all parents are great, or even good, and sometimes, you have to cut out the toxic people in your life.
Can't rep you again - but you are correct as that's my situation now and I feel guilty about it and yet the stress the situation caused ended with me in the hospital. Not all situations are because the kids are the bad guys. Sometimes for your own mental and medical well being you have to stop contact with your parents.
Well, I'm Gen X. I have shut out my parents. There is a long history there that I do not intend on getting into on this thread, but it had nothing to do with, 'I think I know more than they do', or 'They are backwards thinking', or 'being a social justice warrior'.
Not all parents are great, or even good, and sometimes, you have to cut out the toxic people in your life.
I agree with you, sometimes it is necessary when (ongoing) addictions or mental health issues are involved. That said, someone who holds onto anger/rage (for any reason) is toxic as well - especially if they are spewing it at every opportunity. I’m certainly not suggesting you have to be close to them, but part of resolution and maturity is being able to see your parents’ perspectives and the lives they endured. I have a friend who grew up to be a successful well-adjusted adult, despite the pain relative to alcoholic parents, because she doesn’t hold onto anger or see herself as a victim; she knows they had their health issues and toxic people in their lives, too. Her parents are in recovery, and she does speak to them; it’s part of the healing process for all, but it doesn’t mean they’ll ever be close - or who knows, maybe they will be. Healing is possible.
In other words, estrangement should be a last resort. If there is current alcohol/drug addiction and/or mental health issues, obviously, reasonable communication is impossible. However, there’s a huge distinction between angrily, actively shutting someone out vs. letting go and living a healthy, happy life. The vast majority who dwell on anger/grudges (and see themselves a victim) rarely go on to experience the latter.
I agree with you, sometimes it is necessary when (ongoing) addictions or mental health issues are involved. That said, someone who holds onto anger/rage (for any reason) is toxic as well - especially if they are spewing it at every opportunity. I’m certainly not suggesting you have to be close to them, but part of resolution and maturity is being able to see your parents’ perspectives and the lives they endured. I have a friend who grew up to be a successful well-adjusted adult, despite the pain relative to alcoholic parents, because she doesn’t hold onto anger or see herself as a victim; she knows they had their health issues and toxic people in their lives, too. Her parents are in recovery, and she does speak to them; it’s part of the healing process for all, but it doesn’t mean they’ll ever be close - or who knows, maybe they will be. Healing is possible.
In other words, estrangement should be a last resort. If there is current alcohol/drug addiction and/or mental health issues, obviously, reasonable communication is impossible. However, there’s a huge distinction between angrily, actively shutting someone out vs. letting go and living a healthy, happy life. The vast majority who dwell on anger/grudges (and see themselves a victim) rarely go on to experience the latter.
It had nothing to do with addiction. Were I to explain, which I will not, there would be no question as to why I did what I did. We can leave it with your statement about 'reasonable communication' (which really doesn't touch the main issue).
I absolutely did NOT do this 'out of anger' or holding a 'grudge'. I was actually very sad. Nonetheless, when things get so toxic, you have to realize that it doesn't matter what society thinks about it, you have to do what is best for yourself. And that is what I did.
What you're not understanding is cutting them out was me 'letting go'.
To Xray731:
It was not easy. Of course you're going to have guilty feelings. What I did was weigh that guilt against the toxicity. I told myself I would give it a test run. I did. The sadness and guilt made me talk to them one more time. I realized that I was right, it was time to cut them out.
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