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My former sister-in-law died last week. She was 71 years old, had been a heroin addict since she was around 20, had breast cancer in the 1990s, brain cancer ten years ago, finally got clean for three years or so then had some surgery and took all the painkillers the doctor gave her at once and OD'd. That was two or three years ago, and she's been in a nursing home since, unable to speak or feed or care for own basic needs.
My brother died eighteen years ago from Hep C picked up when he used IV drugs in his 20s (he met his wife at the methadone clinic), and when she showed up at the funeral home, accompanied by a chaperone from whatever court-ordered rehab or jail she was in at the time, another of my brothers said, "Never in a million years did we think you would outlive him." She laughed and said, "Neither did I."
Her connection to us is my niece, the daughter of my late brother and this former SIL (they divorced when my niece was young, my brother was clean but his wife went back to using), and the maternal grandmother raised my niece with her coming to stay with my bro on weekends. He paid his child support to his former mother-in-law, and he was always included in their family events.
Despite the difficulty of having an addict mother, my niece grew up to be a wonderful young woman, got her degree, is married to a good man and has two kids and a house in a nice suburb. She loved her mother in her own way but kept her at arms length, making sure she was cared for at the end of her life. When she sent us a message last week that hospice had notified her that her mother's breathing was erratic and she was approaching death, I felt my eyes sting a bit. There was a time when it seemed that this SIL and my brother would be OK, and they gave us this beautiful niece who in turn has brought two lovely little girls into our family.
She was a mess, and in time, her brains were fried, but she was always cheerful and she was once part of our family. I was a bit surprised that I felt the sadness I did over her long-expected passing.
There's a prayer for addicts in the Book of Common Prayer of the church I used to attend, and it prays for those "who have lost their freedom" through addiction. She's free now. Rest in peace.
My former sister-in-law died last week. She was 71 years old, had been a heroin addict since she was around 20, had breast cancer in the 1990s, brain cancer ten years ago, finally got clean for three years or so then had some surgery and took all the painkillers the doctor gave her at once and OD'd. That was two or three years ago, and she's been in a nursing home since, unable to speak or feed or care for own basic needs.
My brother died eighteen years ago from Hep C picked up when he used IV drugs in his 20s (he met his wife at the methadone clinic), and when she showed up at the funeral home, accompanied by a chaperone from whatever court-ordered rehab or jail she was in at the time, another of my brothers said, "Never in a million years did we think you would outlive him." She laughed and said, "Neither did I."
Her connection to us is my niece, the daughter of my late brother and this former SIL (they divorced when my niece was young, my brother was clean but his wife went back to using), and the maternal grandmother raised my niece with her coming to stay with my bro on weekends. He paid his child support to his former mother-in-law, and he was always included in their family events.
Despite the difficulty of having an addict mother, my niece grew up to be a wonderful young woman, got her degree, is married to a good man and has two kids and a house in a nice suburb. She loved her mother in her own way but kept her at arms length, making sure she was cared for at the end of her life. When she sent us a message last week that hospice had notified her that her mother's breathing was erratic and she was approaching death, I felt my eyes sting a bit. There was a time when it seemed that this SIL and my brother would be OK, and they gave us this beautiful niece who in turn has brought two lovely little girls into our family.
She was a mess, and in time, her brains were fried, but she was always cheerful and she was once part of our family. I was a bit surprised that I felt the sadness I did over her long-expected passing.
There's a prayer for addicts in the Book of Common Prayer of the church I used to attend, and it prays for those "who have lost their freedom" through addiction. She's free now. Rest in peace.
Very touching and heartfelt post. I'm sorry for your loss but it's also nice that you saw the full 360 of your SIL.
If you happened to have a full copy of that prayer for addicts, I'd be grateful to see it.
Very touching and heartfelt post. I'm sorry for your loss but it's also nice that you saw the full 360 of your SIL.
If you happened to have a full copy of that prayer for addicts, I'd be grateful to see it.
It's in the BCP of the Episcopal Church.
Book of Common Prayer page 831
Quote:
O blessed Lord;
You ministered to all who came to you:
Look with compassion upon all who through addiction have lost their health and freedom. Restore to them the assurance of your unfailing mercy; remove from them the fears that beset them; strengthen them in the work of their recovery; and to those who care for them, give patient understanding and preserving love. Amen.
Wow, what a moving post. It mirrors a lot of my family dynamics too. Thank you for putting it together and I hope it brings some peace and healing to you. ( I love to hear about someone like your niece that didn’t let a bad experience define their life)
Addiction is so painful for the addict and their families. I’m glad your niece ended up with a good life and sad that your brother died when younger. You can love people like your sister in law despite their troubles. You are a kind person MQ!
My former sister-in-law died last week. She was 71 years old, had been a heroin addict since she was around 20, had breast cancer in the 1990s, brain cancer ten years ago, finally got clean for three years or so then had some surgery and took all the painkillers the doctor gave her at once and OD'd. That was two or three years ago, and she's been in a nursing home since, unable to speak or feed or care for own basic needs.
My brother died eighteen years ago from Hep C picked up when he used IV drugs in his 20s (he met his wife at the methadone clinic), and when she showed up at the funeral home, accompanied by a chaperone from whatever court-ordered rehab or jail she was in at the time, another of my brothers said, "Never in a million years did we think you would outlive him." She laughed and said, "Neither did I."
Her connection to us is my niece, the daughter of my late brother and this former SIL (they divorced when my niece was young, my brother was clean but his wife went back to using), and the maternal grandmother raised my niece with her coming to stay with my bro on weekends. He paid his child support to his former mother-in-law, and he was always included in their family events.
Despite the difficulty of having an addict mother, my niece grew up to be a wonderful young woman, got her degree, is married to a good man and has two kids and a house in a nice suburb. She loved her mother in her own way but kept her at arms length, making sure she was cared for at the end of her life. When she sent us a message last week that hospice had notified her that her mother's breathing was erratic and she was approaching death, I felt my eyes sting a bit. There was a time when it seemed that this SIL and my brother would be OK, and they gave us this beautiful niece who in turn has brought two lovely little girls into our family.
She was a mess, and in time, her brains were fried, but she was always cheerful and she was once part of our family. I was a bit surprised that I felt the sadness I did over her long-expected passing.
There's a prayer for addicts in the Book of Common Prayer of the church I used to attend, and it prays for those "who have lost their freedom" through addiction. She's free now. Rest in peace.
I am sorry for your loss.
When someone loses their life to addiction, you can't help but feel sad. You think what could have been. My first husband literally drank himself to death so I know how addiction affects those all around-it is not just the addict.
Where there's a sense of loss, there's love -- love and loss are opposite sides of the same coin. I know you always demur that you don't come off as particularly warm, but you do strike me as a loving person and I'm certain you never judged this in-law.
The story reminds me quite a lot of my wife's ex, who dropped a power tool on his foot and then got addicted to the pain killers and spent his final years in and out of methadone clinics (for the heroin-derived painkillers, not actual heroin), and eventually died of Hep C, courtesy of some youthful drug use. There was a father with a drinking problem in the mix, as well.
The situation you describe and the feelings that go with it are complicated but it doesn't mean there's not love and at a minimum wistfulness for what might have / could have / should have been.
Addiction, and depression, and mental illness are all such heavy burdens for the sufferer to bear.
It's a credit to you, OP, that you give them understanding and love. There, but for the Grace of God, go all of us.
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