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This is a bit of a caregiving/grief retrospective that is somewhat therapeutic for me and may be helpful for somebody going through a similar thing. I posted vaguely about my situation and... I know there was one other guy in a similar situation. But I haven't been on CD forum much recently.
My long time GF passed from cancer at the end of last year. She died short of her 47th birthday.
I was a co-caregiver along with her brother for the last 6 months, including hospice. It was rough, and emotional but I'm glad I had the help and support. But I didn't show very much outward emotion or cry during the last days and passing. I was able to keep busy planning the funeral, which went very well and was a nice memorial. The hospice nurse said it would all hit me later.
Anyway, here's some thoughts.
-The nurse was right, when you lose a partner, it hits you harder later. I think it's the hardest when you lose someone you see every day, that probably seems self evident. But when it's a breakup you'll think of the positives and negatives, when it's a death and not a breakup, you'll tend to only remember the positives and how much you miss being with that person.
-People are uncomfortable talking about death. The way I envisioned the 'after' part going was people I knew casually or co-workers would ask me how I was doing and chat about it. The reality is that people I knew casually and coworkers felt very uncomfortable talking about it, and asked for as little details as possible. I would mention that my girlfriend passed, and there was a short condolence, and almost nobody asked about the circumstances. There were a couple of exceptions. In the beginning, that was upsetting.
-Of my closer social network, it was a mixed bad. My immediate family provided FAR more support than I would have asked for. One extended family member provided some good support. And another friend was great. One of my closest friends provided very little support and I still haven't seen them in months. I do feel certain people are incapable of empathizing with tragedy. They can't relate.
As a whole, it feels like the world has moved on and completely forgotten your loved one existed, but ... you still have to deal with that hole every day. That to me, is what causes a lot of that grief. During my caregiving days, I would have thoughts that if I stayed late at work, or 'went out', people would think ... 'how could you do that when your GF is sick at home'. In retrospect ... people weren't even thinking about my situation at all. It's in the forefront of your mind, and only your mind. So ... you may need to come to terms with that. I can only imagine how difficult it is for someone whose spouse/partner was the only real social support they had.
In any case, that's my experience, probably differs from others a bit. I try to keep her memory alive by posting pictures and paintings that she has done online. I have to rebuild my life, but need to stay grateful for my health and the time I had with a wonderful person.
This is a bit of a caregiving/grief retrospective that is somewhat therapeutic for me and may be helpful for somebody going through a similar thing. I posted vaguely about my situation and... I know there was one other guy in a similar situation. But I haven't been on CD forum much recently.
My long time GF passed from cancer at the end of last year. She died short of her 47th birthday.
I was a co-caregiver along with her brother for the last 6 months, including hospice. It was rough, and emotional but I'm glad I had the help and support. But I didn't show very much outward emotion or cry during the last days and passing. I was able to keep busy planning the funeral, which went very well and was a nice memorial. The hospice nurse said it would all hit me later.
Anyway, here's some thoughts.
-The nurse was right, when you lose a partner, it hits you harder later. I think it's the hardest when you lose someone you see every day, that probably seems self evident. But when it's a breakup you'll think of the positives and negatives, when it's a death and not a breakup, you'll tend to only remember the positives and how much you miss being with that person.
-People are uncomfortable talking about death. The way I envisioned the 'after' part going was people I knew casually or co-workers would ask me how I was doing and chat about it. The reality is that people I knew casually and coworkers felt very uncomfortable talking about it, and asked for as little details as possible. I would mention that my girlfriend passed, and there was a short condolence, and almost nobody asked about the circumstances. There were a couple of exceptions. In the beginning, that was upsetting.
-Of my closer social network, it was a mixed bad. My immediate family provided FAR more support than I would have asked for. One extended family member provided some good support. And another friend was great. One of my closest friends provided very little support and I still haven't seen them in months. I do feel certain people are incapable of empathizing with tragedy. They can't relate.
As a whole, it feels like the world has moved on and completely forgotten your loved one existed, but ... you still have to deal with that hole every day. That to me, is what causes a lot of that grief. During my caregiving days, I would have thoughts that if I stayed late at work, or 'went out', people would think ... 'how could you do that when your GF is sick at home'. In retrospect ... people weren't even thinking about my situation at all. It's in the forefront of your mind, and only your mind. So ... you may need to come to terms with that. I can only imagine how difficult it is for someone whose spouse/partner was the only real social support they had.
In any case, that's my experience, probably differs from others a bit. I try to keep her memory alive by posting pictures and paintings that she has done online. I have to rebuild my life, but need to stay grateful for my health and the time I had with a wonderful person.
Thank you for this post. It was very telling about grief and all that comes with it. This experience changed you forever. But, death is part of life - just like being born. There is nothing sick or twisted about it, as it's nature taking its course. People die at all ages, and from all kinds of things. Death is life. We all will die - it's our only guarantee.
I was shocked to see who reached out to my immediate family after my mother died - it was a few unexpected people. Most relatives and extended family were nothing more than sympathy cards, or nothing at all (there was no funeral).
Dad and I were my mother's caretakers for almost 2 years after her stroke, and let me tell you - it was nothing short of a nightmare. I actually get shaky and swallow hard when I think of what dad and I went through with my mother (she went insane, more or less, after the stroke; she also had an autoimmune blood disease that required weekly transfusions).
We never had a funeral for my mother. She always told us she didn't want one and just to have her cremated. One of the few other reasons was that we didn't want any extended family drama. We also thought that spending all that money on a dead person is silly. We aren't religious and refuse to give money to preachers, priests, etc. I am a Buddhist who doesn't believe in a creator god, and my sister and father are simply not religious. Each person/family does as necessary; there is no right or wrong.
Take good care of yourself. I know your pain; it's more than tough. I miss my mother, but I can't bring her back. Honestly, I wouldn't want her back as he was after the stroke, and not only that -- it was her time to go. She had a good 70 years or so of life. Nature did as it does.
Your girlfriend was young, but again, people die at all ages. We have no control; we never did. I see the bright sun of impermanence without sunglasses on.
Peace.
Last edited by FrancaisDeutsch; 03-03-2024 at 12:41 PM..
When someone experiences the loss of a loved one or spouse, our friends are very sincere when the say "Let me know if I can help or do anything" but they mean right away -- how to help now. The survivor is actually so busy that they can't think of anything. Actually, it would be good to make the same offer 3-6 weeks later as well. Sometimes there are difficult choices that need to be made once the reality of the loss settles in.
Thank you for this post. It was very telling about grief and all that comes with it. This experience changed you forever. But, death is part of life - just like being born. There is nothing sick or twisted about it, as it's nature taking its course. People die at all ages, and from all kinds of things. Death is life. We all will die - it's our only guarantee.
I was shocked to see who reached out to my immediate family after my mother died - it was a few unexpected people. Most relatives and extended family were nothing more than sympathy cards, or nothing at all (there was no funeral).
Dad and I were my mother's caretakers for almost 2 years after her stroke, and let me tell you - it was nothing short of a nightmare. I actually get shaky and swallow hard when I think of what dad and I went through with my mother (she went insane, more or less, after the stroke; she also had an autoimmune blood disease that required weekly transfusions).
We never had a funeral for my mother. She always told us she didn't want one and just to have her cremated. One of the few other reasons was that we didn't want any extended family drama. We also thought that spending all that money on a dead person is silly. We aren't religious and refuse to give money to preachers, priests, etc. I am a Buddhist who doesn't believe in a creator god, and my sister and father are simply not religious. Each person/family does as necessary; there is no right or wrong.
Take good care of yourself. I know your pain; it's more than tough. I miss my mother, but I can't bring her back. Honestly, I wouldn't want her back as he was after the stroke, and not only that -- it was her time to go. She had a good 70 years or so of life. Nature did as it does.
Your girlfriend was young, but again, people die at all ages. We have no control; we never did. I see the bright sun of impermanence without sunglasses on.
Peace.
Thanks for the kind words. It has changed me and hopefully I can use the lesson to live the rest of my own life more peacefully.
Online interactions are cold and it's expected but ... I expect the real world to be a little warmer. This kind of thing doesn't happen too often. So, people can pay a little more attention. But you know people, they're always busy with their own thing.
She had a hard life, got some tough breaks. Beyond getting cancer that was not caused by bad habits. Like your mother.
I have a relatively pessimistic/dark attitude towards life, so I think I was able to handle this experience better than some others might.
When someone experiences the loss of a loved one or spouse, our friends are very sincere when the say "Let me know if I can help or do anything" but they mean right away -- how to help now. The survivor is actually so busy that they can't think of anything. Actually, it would be good to make the same offer 3-6 weeks later as well. Sometimes there are difficult choices that need to be made once the reality of the loss settles in.
It's true.
People forget quickly.
I think a lot of people my age cannot really relate to sickness and death ... I mean, of their parents yes, but that matter is handled a bit differently.
If your elderly parent dies, people have an idea of how to handle it socially. If somebody's teenage child dies, Jesus ... what do you say?? But ... everybody deserves comfort for their grief.
And you're on the money, big life changing decisions to make.
Thanks for the kind words. It has changed me and hopefully I can use the lesson to live the rest of my own life more peacefully.
Online interactions are cold and it's expected but ... I expect the real world to be a little warmer. This kind of thing doesn't happen too often. So, people can pay a little more attention. But you know people, they're always busy with their own thing.
She had a hard life, got some tough breaks. Beyond getting cancer that was not caused by bad habits. Like your mother.
I have a relatively pessimistic/dark attitude towards life, so I think I was able to handle this experience better than some others might.
You take care as well.
I understand your point of view very well. We're on the same page.
You have insights about life that others don't have. Death is very real to you, as it is to me.
I meditated and contemplated impermanence for a few years before my mother died. So, I was soaking in the reality that all things change. That's why I've held up so well all these months, despite all the pain and shock (it's been 10 months since her death).
Yes, it was surprising how few people reached out to us after my mother died. People were shockingly cold, for the most part. Now, everything's been forgotten. It's is only my father, sister and I who mourn daily. A few of my mother's siblings may do so at times, but I am not sure (they were cold to us as well, for the most part). One neighbor came to us a while ago and said how much she misses my mother - that was touching.
I have a realistic attitude towards life, so I suppose my outlook is "quite dark."
Take good care of yourself. I wish you deep peace.
This is very congruent with my own experience of grief and loss. I've buried a wife and a son, and a sibling and parent died out of turn as well, and my current wife was just (mistakenly as it ultimately turned out) diagnosed with late stage cancer. When my wife got this news, I remember thinking, here we go again ... I'll get through this and then it will hit me like a ton of bricks after she's gone, and will I survive yet another one of these losses? I suppose so ... how, I'm not sure exactly.
You are correct that most people cannot handle tragedy. My wife's two best friends were a study in contrast ... one was very supportive and present, the other one ran for the hills. That doesn't make the 2nd friend a Bad Person. But it IS unfortunate. Really what this is, is that they haven't dealt with the fact of their own mortality; that is what they actually can't handle. If it can happen to you, it can happen to them, and they want to determinedly carry on as if they will live forever, and hope they die in their sleep or something I guess.
You are correct that most people cannot handle tragedy. My wife's two best friends were a study in contrast ... one was very supportive and present, the other one ran for the hills. That doesn't make the 2nd friend a Bad Person. But it IS unfortunate. Really what this is, is that they haven't dealt with the fact of their own mortality; that is what they actually can't handle. If it can happen to you, it can happen to them, and they want to determinedly carry on as if they will live forever, and hope they die in their sleep or something I guess.
I agree the second person isn't a bad person, but I disagree with the part about not being able to handle their own mortality. I don't think that is usually the reason they create distance. Maybe they just can't handle their own emotions like they would like to. Maybe they don't want to melt into a puddle of tears in front of friends/family and would rather grieve from a distance in their own way. For some, grieving and support are not at all their long suit. They may wish it were, but they could be wrestling with their own limitations and probably feel bad about it too.
This is very congruent with my own experience of grief and loss. I've buried a wife and a son, and a sibling and parent died out of turn as well, and my current wife was just (mistakenly as it ultimately turned out) diagnosed with late stage cancer. When my wife got this news, I remember thinking, here we go again ... I'll get through this and then it will hit me like a ton of bricks after she's gone, and will I survive yet another one of these losses? I suppose so ... how, I'm not sure exactly.
You are correct that most people cannot handle tragedy. My wife's two best friends were a study in contrast ... one was very supportive and present, the other one ran for the hills. That doesn't make the 2nd friend a Bad Person. But it IS unfortunate. Really what this is, is that they haven't dealt with the fact of their own mortality; that is what they actually can't handle. If it can happen to you, it can happen to them, and they want to determinedly carry on as if they will live forever, and hope they die in their sleep or something I guess.
Dear mordant,
You really hit the nail on the head at the end of your post: people think death and tragedy is for "other people" - not THEM. Well, I'm sorry to say that everyone dies and everyone suffers. No one's getting out of this life alive; that I can guarantee. LOL.
Sometimes when people experience a loss in death, they deny in some way what has happened; in other words, they never really come to terms with what happened. Running away is never ever the answer.
I felt a little sting in my heart when you listed all of your losses. I give you my compassion. I know I'm just a stranger online, but I am being most sincere.
I don't know what awaits me. But I know that all things are impermanent and that I and the rest of my family will all perish at some point. We'll all be dust in less than 60 years or so. It's life - we're born and then we die. It's okay somehow, no matter how uncomfortable it gets. It's natural to die.
This is a bit of a caregiving/grief retrospective that is somewhat therapeutic for me and may be helpful for somebody going through a similar thing. I posted vaguely about my situation and... I know there was one other guy in a similar situation. But I haven't been on CD forum much recently.
My long time GF passed from cancer at the end of last year. She died short of her 47th birthday.
I was a co-caregiver along with her brother for the last 6 months, including hospice. It was rough, and emotional but I'm glad I had the help and support. But I didn't show very much outward emotion or cry during the last days and passing. I was able to keep busy planning the funeral, which went very well and was a nice memorial. The hospice nurse said it would all hit me later.
Anyway, here's some thoughts.
-The nurse was right, when you lose a partner, it hits you harder later. I think it's the hardest when you lose someone you see every day, that probably seems self evident. But when it's a breakup you'll think of the positives and negatives, when it's a death and not a breakup, you'll tend to only remember the positives and how much you miss being with that person.
-People are uncomfortable talking about death. The way I envisioned the 'after' part going was people I knew casually or co-workers would ask me how I was doing and chat about it. The reality is that people I knew casually and coworkers felt very uncomfortable talking about it, and asked for as little details as possible. I would mention that my girlfriend passed, and there was a short condolence, and almost nobody asked about the circumstances. There were a couple of exceptions. In the beginning, that was upsetting.
-Of my closer social network, it was a mixed bad. My immediate family provided FAR more support than I would have asked for. One extended family member provided some good support. And another friend was great. One of my closest friends provided very little support and I still haven't seen them in months. I do feel certain people are incapable of empathizing with tragedy. They can't relate.
As a whole, it feels like the world has moved on and completely forgotten your loved one existed, but ... you still have to deal with that hole every day. That to me, is what causes a lot of that grief. During my caregiving days, I would have thoughts that if I stayed late at work, or 'went out', people would think ... 'how could you do that when your GF is sick at home'. In retrospect ... people weren't even thinking about my situation at all. It's in the forefront of your mind, and only your mind. So ... you may need to come to terms with that. I can only imagine how difficult it is for someone whose spouse/partner was the only real social support they had.
In any case, that's my experience, probably differs from others a bit. I try to keep her memory alive by posting pictures and paintings that she has done online. I have to rebuild my life, but need to stay grateful for my health and the time I had with a wonderful person.
Great post, and so well expressed.
I am older than you, but Monday marks one year since I watched my partner of six years take his last breath after nearly two years of caregiving. He was an older, but very strong, healthy, active man until one day he experienced double vision and within months was bedridden, unable to feed himself or even work a TV remote.
I too am (mostly) to the point where the horror of his illness and the caregiving time fades behind the memories of our good times together, all the things I learned from him on how to see the natural world through his eyes in our short time together, the beauty of the place on the planet he shared with me that I can return to through my photographs, and the music that always accompanied our relationship.
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