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Ugh, this is a sad but not unfamiliar situation that many can relate to whether it's an ex-husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, ex-wife... the list goes on.
The only real solution lies with the old cliche of "this too shall pass". The passage of time really does heal most wounds. That doesn't mean you'll get over it but you'll move through it at your own pace. No one can tell you how to grieve and if posting here helps, go ahead.
No lectures from me just good wishes and an arm-around-the-shoulder hug.
Get on your knees and ask God to remove all those earthly affections you have for this young man. There is a reason why God has removed him from your life, and a reason why your daughter wants a clean break. In acceptance lieth peace.
Get on your knees and ask God to remove all those earthly affections you have for this young man. There is a reason why God has removed him from your life, and a reason why your daughter wants a clean break. In acceptance lieth peace.
Is this what you advise people who have lost a loved one to death? To pray for God to remove their affection for the deceased?
Acceptance is a good thing, but I think I'd rather live with the pain than forget all the affection I've had for people I've lost.
I understand your sadness, but maybe you need to pretend that we’re living in pre-internet times, when it was a little harder to contact people, especially if they moved and/or changed phone numbers. Contacting him just doesn’t sound like a good idea. I have a grown daughter so it’s easy to understand where you’re coming from, but I just wouldn’t.
Maybe find another way to grieve, like writing it all down in a private journal. That way, you work out your grief without crossing boundaries.
Is this what you advise people who have lost a loved one to death? To pray for God to remove their affection for the deceased?
Acceptance is a good thing, but I think I'd rather live with the pain than forget all the affection I've had for people I've lost.
I'm sorry. I don't mean to offend. The Bible speaks about inordinate affection. It's unusual that you would have such an attachment to your daughter's boyfriend. Praying God will guide you.
"Being able to say good-bye would make a big difference to me."
But it's not about you. It's about your daughter. JMHO If you bring the subject up to your daughter or contact her ex in any way, you are asking for trouble. Something like this could put a wedge between you and your daughter for a long time. Put her first, not you.
"Being able to say good-bye would make a big difference to me."
But it's not about you. It's about your daughter. JMHO If you bring the subject up to your daughter or contact her ex in any way, you are asking for trouble. Something like this could put a wedge between you and your daughter for a long time. Put her first, not you.
This! You don't know what happened. Your daughter needs to work it out herself and she may or may not tell you when she is ready. Your love and concern is about your daughter, not her boyfriend.
I lost my mum when I was 30 to cancer, my dad died of cancer in 2019, I myself, had breast cancer in 2013 and I divorced in 2018. However, NONE of these prepared me for the end of my 5 year relationship on July 1 this year. I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. I don't think I ate for 3 solid weeks. I could not cope with the pain I felt and people around me didn't know how to help as this person didn't die, it was just the end of them being "my person" and being a part of my future.
My friend sent me a book on ambiguous grief recently and it has helped. And time has helped - I'm 4 months out now. I had to move (we had bought a home together last year) and not having to see him, or his things anymore was really hard, but ultimately also for the best.
Anyway - holding onto that hope is not good for "moving forward". But all that to say - I feel your pain xxxx
Reading these posts and thinking about the situation has reminded me of a poem--I'm a poetry lover from way back and poems tend to stay with me and rise up to the surface when I need them, which is nice.
The poem is Elegy for Jane, by Theodore Roethke. The speaker describes his young student, who has recently died in a tragic accident. He describes her appearance, her expressions, her moods, in loving detail, and calls her his darling. The last three lines are:
Over this damp grave I speak the words of my love:
I, with no rights in this matter,
Neither father nor lover.
In this day and age, and maybe even in 1953 when it was written, these words directed from a male teacher to a young girl who was not his daughter or girlfriend, would cause him to be immediately labeled creepy if not a downright pedophile or child molester. And that's very sad. It is natural for human beings to attach to others, and love is not limited to our blood relatives and romantic partners.
I appreciate the people here who have expressed sympathy and understanding and offered suggestions for working through this. Looking up "ambiguous grief" from the post above this one was very helpful, as was another term I found while on that search--"disenfranchised grief," which means grief that is not seen as socially acceptable for one reason or another.
Anyone who feels that my feeling grief over this loss is somehow inappropriate or even downright sinful (!) perhaps should not be offering advice on a Grief forum.
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