Niece can't take care of her Alzheimer's mom, now what? (aging, friend)
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Your niece is on the verge of a nervous breakdown herself. Your half sister needs to be placed in a care facility.
I do not believe that your niece has done anything that she could be charged with. She is doing everything she knows how to do and it's still not enough - that is why she is falling apart like that. It's too much for one person!
My father and I were struggling daily to take care of my mother after her stroke. In the second year, her mind really started to go. We couldn't get a good night's sleep for nothing. It was becoming impossible. My mother had 2 full-time caretakers, and it still wasn't enough. We were soon to lose it. My father was 76 years old at the time, and I barely worked a job. We were trying to do the impossible. Fortunately, we kept afloat somehow, but we were sinking. We needed help but refused to cry out for it. Long story short -- my mother ended up having seizures and was put in the hospital, where she suddenly got sepsis and died. It was a blessing in the end, as we knew that a care home was our last resort. We maxed out.
So, all in all, my father and I were on the verge of a mental collapse. We got through it all somehow, but without each other, we would have had mental breakdowns (almost there).
No one understands what full-time caretaking is like unless you're doing it or have been through it. It truly gets impossible, even with two close family members working 24/7 as caregivers. Unreal.
My father and I were struggling daily to take care of my mother after her stroke. In the second year, her mind really started to go. We couldn't get a good night's sleep for nothing. It was becoming impossible. My mother had 2 full-time caretakers, and it still wasn't enough. We were soon to lose it. My father was 76 years old at the time, and I barely worked a job. We were trying to do the impossible. Fortunately, we kept afloat somehow, but we were sinking. We needed help but refused to cry out for it. Long story short -- my mother ended up having seizures and was put in the hospital, where she suddenly got sepsis and died. It was a blessing in the end, as we knew that a care home was our last resort. We maxed out.
So, all in all, my father and I were on the verge of a mental collapse. We got through it all somehow, but without each other, we would have had mental breakdowns (almost there).
No one understands what full-time caretaking is like unless you're doing it or have been through it. It truly gets impossible, even with two close family members working 24/7 as caregivers. Unreal.
Sometimes it's unbelievable how absolutely hellish it can be. Glad you survived!
Sometimes it's unbelievable how absolutely hellish it can be. Glad you survived!
Yes, we did, fortunately. My poor father barely slept an hour or two a night on average. She kept him awake, pacing around the house, forcing him to accompany him to the toilet every 10 or 15 minutes (she had an obsession with going to the bathroom that started in the second year after her stroke). This could go on for a few hours at time in the middle of the night. My mother didn't realize what she was doing, even though her memory and most cognitive skills remained strongly intact. I would never rest well upstairs, knowing my father was downstairs dealing with this. I would sometimes stay up to midnight or so, but I just couldn't stay awake. Many times I would come down to talk to my mother and reason with her, but it was to no avail, especially in the second year. They said my mother had no dementia -- it was just the effects of the stroke on top of PTSD. She was emotionally whacky (she had some super anxiety all of her life).
Again, it was a miracle her life ended when it did, because we couldn't care for anymore.
For the record, my mother recovered almost perfectly from the stroke on a physical level for her age. It was all very weird.
My father and I were struggling daily to take care of my mother after her stroke. In the second year, her mind really started to go. We couldn't get a good night's sleep for nothing. It was becoming impossible. My mother had 2 full-time caretakers, and it still wasn't enough. We were soon to lose it. My father was 76 years old at the time, and I barely worked a job. We were trying to do the impossible. Fortunately, we kept afloat somehow, but we were sinking. We needed help but refused to cry out for it. Long story short -- my mother ended up having seizures and was put in the hospital, where she suddenly got sepsis and died. It was a blessing in the end, as we knew that a care home was our last resort. We maxed out.
So, all in all, my father and I were on the verge of a mental collapse. We got through it all somehow, but without each other, we would have had mental breakdowns (almost there).
No one understands what full-time caretaking is like unless you're doing it or have been through it. It truly gets impossible, even with two close family members working 24/7 as caregivers. Unreal.
It is very overwhelming. You go through all of that and your dad was still looking at being financially devastated by the expense of a care home. But your mom's death at the hospital spared him that and it spared her from having to be institutionalized. It's a devastating disease, just as you think it can't get any worse, it does get worse.
It depends on what type of Power of Attorney she signed. If it was medical she is responsible to look over her mothers care.
I would advise her to call the local Hospital or her Doctor and ask of all Care Homes in the Area and beyond that will take Dementia patients on SS. Explain that she is here to help get her mother settled and that she lives elsewhere and her money is limited at this point.
She is going to have to deal with the finances and liquidate everything..
How old is your step sister? and Your niece. Goodness this is a mess. She needs to find a Home fast and Like I said it can be out of the County her mother is in or even in another state-(if she plans to go back to where she was living).
But sadly it sounds like your niece does not have any savings herself so she is about to be homeless as well.
It depends on what type of Power of Attorney she signed. If it was medical she is responsible to look over her mothers care.
[b]No! A POA and a medical advocate document are completely voluntary and is revokable. There is no legal obligation.
She is going to have to deal with the finances and liquidate everything.. Again, NO! There is no legal or moral obligation. It is completely voluntary
How old is your step sister? and Your niece. Goodness this is a mess. She needs to find a Home fast and Like I said it can be out of the County her mother is in or even in another state-(if she plans to go back to where she was living). again, I agree that the niece needs to reach to government entities for help.
I just talked to my niece, she was told by someone, (I'm not sure who) that she could be charged with abandonment if she didn't take care of her or something. That doesn't seem right.
I mean, what if my niece became really ill and had to go to the hospital herself? What would become of her mom then if no one is there?
My poor niece sounds like she's on the brink. She just told me she's been up with her mom for 48 hours because the caregiver who was supposed to come over called in sick. Sounds crazy, but her mom's done that before when her husband was alive! Her brain forgot how to sleep. The Seroquel helped for a few days, but she's adjusted to the meds and is back to being awake. Niece has been dealing with all of this plus the financial nightmare for 6 weeks now. I know I couldn't do it. I know I'd get really sick.
I'll let her know about the hospital route. Maybe she should tell the hospital she was just there temporarily to help, and not to sign anything?
Perhaps she lives in a location that has Legal Aid. If so, tell your niece to call them. If your niece is unable to do so, you can try calling them on her behalf. Legal Aid Bureaus frequently provide services and/or information for the elderly.
I would NOT advise your niece that she can walk away from the chaos and leave her mother without supervision, as abandonment can be considered Senior Abuse, depending on the circumstances.
*That said, it may be prudent for your niece to escort her mother to the ER if she has a urinary tract infection, dehydration, or...whatever, and informing the staff that she was no longer physically able to care for her, and therefore she would not be available to provide care upon discharge.
It is very overwhelming. You go through all of that and your dad was still looking at being financially devastated by the expense of a care home. But your mom's death at the hospital spared him that and it spared her from having to be institutionalized. It's a devastating disease, just as you think it can't get any worse, it does get worse.
You're exactly right: just when you think things cannot get any worse, they do. My mother had a stroke, was on blood/platelets transfusions, and then got seizures...wow! All of this was like a domino effect. I just didn't know how much more we could take.
At least you and some others on here know what it's like.
We made it through but lost my dear mother in the process. But, as I've said before, all doors had closed for her. Fate was sealed. She would have had no future going forward, had she not died suddenly from sepsis in the hospital.
First of all thank you all for your replies and conversation!
I have sent several suggestions you've given over to my niece.
In the meantime, the plot has thickened.
My niece's older sister is a mean little lady who has been estranged from her mom, my niece and I a good deal of the time over the past 2 decades, has suddenly decided to get involved. Apparently she thinks she's going to get some money out of it. (There wont be) She's also there to rummage through all their stuff to take what she wants.
She's also started snooping about her uncle's humble estate. UG! Her uncle, my brother who I'm living with and watching over, has moderate Alzheimer's. He's old, but doesn't have many health issues.
I reminded her she's not in the will, and she's not involved.
There always seems to be one in every family huh?
The good news, is that my sister's deceased husband's son, who lives out of state, stepped up to pay for an elder attorney to help sort things out! Yay! He's not expecting any money out of it, even though he has over the last couple of years helped his dad and my sis financially with private caregivers and other money "emergencies".
This is starting to get into soap opera territory, ew ew ew! I'm going to stay as far away from it as possible. I'll be relieved when my niece's sister has gone home with her car load of stuff! Good grief!
First of all thank you all for your replies and conversation!
I have sent several suggestions you've given over to my niece.
In the meantime, the plot has thickened.
My niece's older sister is a mean little lady who has been estranged from her mom, my niece and I a good deal of the time over the past 2 decades, has suddenly decided to get involved. Apparently she thinks she's going to get some money out of it. (There wont be) She's also there to rummage through all their stuff to take what she wants.
She's also started snooping about her uncle's humble estate. UG! Her uncle, my brother who I'm living with and watching over, has moderate Alzheimer's. He's old, but doesn't have many health issues.
I reminded her she's not in the will, and she's not involved.
There always seems to be one in every family huh?
The good news, is that my sister's deceased husband's son, who lives out of state, stepped up to pay for an elder attorney to help sort things out! Yay! He's not expecting any money out of it, even though he has over the last couple of years helped his dad and my sis financially with private caregivers and other money "emergencies".
This is starting to get into soap opera territory, ew ew ew! I'm going to stay as far away from it as possible. I'll be relieved when my niece's sister has gone home with her car load of stuff! Good grief!
The greedy vulture types - ugh. Ask her for money to help buy your mom a walker or her uncle a food delivery service because these are things that they really need and they don't have the money to buy them.
She'll squeal tires tearing out of there.
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