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It seems like, to me, that since your husband has NOT expressed displeasure at all of you having a relationship with Joe...than all of you carry on, inviting Joe and his family to ALL the get togethers you all want to invite them to.
Seems like your husband had to build some walls around his heart to deal with giving up his son way back in the day...it's what he did to cope, I guess.
Sure...it's hard for the rest of y'all to understand where his head is at...but at least he doesn't forbid (or try to forbid) the rest of you from forming relationships with Joe.
The only thing is, they feel they have to get "permission" from John to invite Joe. it is ridiculous! John was actually mad at them for calling and asking if he would mind Joe coming to the service(why wouldn't he have come and why they had to ask John is beyond me), now it seems they are the ones acting weird about it. My mother in law should just say " Joe and family are also coming to the birthday get together," but I think she thinks John won't go if Joe and his family go, I truly am losing sleep. Once we went there to visit and his mom, our daughter, Joe and his now ex wife, all met for lunch while John , his dad and sister went out to lunch somewhere else, I cannot even imagine what Joe thought, poor guy really.
Seems like your husband had to build some walls around his heart to deal with giving up his son way back in the day...it's what he did to cope, I guess. -Absolutely!!! My thoughts exactly 100 percent
Well, IMO, your (and your husband's) extended family should just make a point to always include Joe, and let your husband figure out for himself what he wants to do about it.
It kind of seems like, at this point, the dam is breaking, (which is a good thing) and there's no sticking the finger in the dam to keep back the flood.
Well, IMO, your (and your husband's) extended family should just make a point to always include Joe, and let your husband figure out for himself what he wants to do about it.
It kind of seems like, at this point, the dam is breaking, (which is a good thing) and there's no sticking the finger in the dam to keep back the flood.
I agree with you, he just gets so weird and quiet about it, but like I said, it will have to work itself out I am not going to have my daughter "worrying" whether to invite her only brother to her wedding! That is not right...thank you for all of your help!!
Well, IMO, your (and your husband's) extended family should just make a point to always include Joe, and let your husband figure out for himself what he wants to do about it.
It kind of seems like, at this point, the dam is breaking, (which is a good thing) and there's no sticking the finger in the dam to keep back the flood.
I can actually see him telling his mother, if Joe goes to the party, then I am not going, avoidance is his family's forte.....
Well, IMO, your (and your husband's) extended family should just make a point to always include Joe, and let your husband figure out for himself what he wants to do about it.
It kind of seems like, at this point, the dam is breaking, (which is a good thing) and there's no sticking the finger in the dam to keep back the flood.
Well, IMO, your (and your husband's) extended family should just make a point to always include Joe, and let your husband figure out for himself what he wants to do about it.
It kind of seems like, at this point, the dam is breaking, (which is a good thing) and there's no sticking the finger in the dam to keep back the flood.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Iluvbeagles
Very good advice!
Agree! SnazzyB is on target. And, I would get tired of the drama, not think about it, and just invite everyone, and those that didn't want to come could make that decision.
Are we sure that Joe is John's child? I have just seen something similar is why I asked.
John has to come to terms with this, and no one can speed up the process or make it happen. I would think the nagging about going or not is not helping the situation.
Agree! SnazzyB is on target. And, I would get tired of the drama, not think about it, and just invite everyone, and those that didn't want to come could make that decision.
Are we sure that Joe is John's child? I have just seen something similar is why I asked.
John has to come to terms with this, and no one can speed up the process or make it happen. I would think the nagging about going or not is not helping the situation.
I agree, I am tired of drama and that is one thing I have never had on my side of the family.
Yes, he is his son, they look almost like twins, it is crazy LOL
I just wish things were handled differently when all this was going on, but this was way before my time.
Thank to you all so much for your help!
Since you don't go into any backstory on why he did that, I can only say that I gave a son up for adoption, and when I did, I turned my heart and mind off to keep it from hurting me. If your husband was forced to do this, no wonder he doesn't want to reopen that old wound. It's as simple as that to me.
Second that; your husband is not heartless most likely, but very wounded and probably was in torment until he decided for the sake of preservation to act as he isn’t interested.
If you love your husband stop torturing him with your suggestions and telling him about Joe’s life.
He may or may not come around. It is his cross to carry. Life could be tragic, full of regrets and heartbreak, perhaps shame
Don’t add to it.
I am surprised that you are so into his former son. Usually most 2nd wife’s concerns are the fears that the children from the first marriage would sue them for inheritance.
Are you prepared to share your daughter’s inheritance with him?
You sound like a kind woman, but leave your husband’s prior life alone.
Why are you incorporating yourself into Joe’s life if you noticed that after your allegedly wonderful marriage to the man you allegedly love is trying to distant himself from Joe?
You should have treaded more slowly and not judging your husband or who he was, why he did it or starting questioning his heart now.
Does the loyalty to your husband and your love for him mean less to you than to that young man - only slightly relating to you through your daughter?
You could explain to Joe that some people are just so broken over something so earth shuttering that they may need a long time to recover if ever.
If Joe is as wonderful you describe him - he would understand.
Small steps: he may sent a holiday card to all of your family or even progress to a birthday card to his father or the photo of his baby girl saying “that is your granddaughter” - this way he could avoid calling him Dad? Slow steps?
Hope springs eternal.
Your husband may come around, but don’t force it. Maybe talking to counselor could help your husband to sort things out? If he agrees.
Last edited by L00k4ward; 02-12-2024 at 02:29 PM..
Second that; your husband is not heartless most likely, but very wounded and probably was in torment until he decided for the sake of preservation to act as he isn’t interested.
If you love your husband stop torturing him with your suggestions and telling him about Joe’s life.
He may or may not come around. It is his cross to carry. Life could be tragic, full of regrets and heartbreak, perhaps shame
Don’t add to it.
I am surprised that you are so into his former son. Usually most 2nd wife’s concerns are the fears that the children from the first marriage would sue them for inheritance.
Are you prepared to share your daughter’s inheritance with him?
You sound like a kind woman, but leave your husband’s prior life alone.
Why are you incorporating yourself into Joe’s life if you noticed that after your allegedly wonderful marriage to the man you allegedly love is trying to distant himself from Joe?
You should have treaded more slowly and not judging your husband or who he was, why he did it or starting questioning his heart now.
Does the loyalty to your husband and your love for him mean less to you than to that young man - only slightly relating to you through your daughter?
You could explain to Joe that some people are just so broken over something so earth shuttering that they may need a long time to recover if ever.
If Joe is as wonderful you describe him - he would understand.
Small steps: he may sent a holiday card to all of your family or even progress to a birthday card to his father or the photo of his baby girl saying “that is your granddaughter” - this way he could avoid calling him Dad? Slow steps?
Hope springs eternal.
Your husband may come around, but don’t force it. Maybe talking to counselor could help your husband to sort things out? If he agrees.
Hey there,
My husband gave him up for adoption to his ex and her husband so I do not think inheritance is an issue
John has never wanted to get to know Joe,even when Joe turned 18....my daughter just told me recently that she has a hard time understanding why he never wanted to at least meet him once . John told my daughter and I that he was fine with Joe in our lives and we have invited John to join us for lunches etc and he always said "no thank you" so we went ahead and met up with Joe and his ex wife a few times here and there. John sees pictures of Joe and his current wife and their 2 year old daughter not only at his parents house, but he sees the ones I receive as well and he always smiles and looks almost wistful a little bit.
Joe has told his wife and she told me that it is up to John to contact him since he gave him up, and therefore the card etc will not happen because Joe will not make first contact and I get that. I do send their child Christmas and Birthday gifts and John is fine with that as well.
Joe is a great guy and John's ex really did a great job raising him and I am glad he turned out so nice. he gave a beautiful eulogy at Johns dads memorial service as well.
My husband is old school and he will not go to counseling as I have tried that several times.
You all have been so great listening and advising me though!!!
It sounds to me like John's family (and you) have gotten into the habit of running roughshod over the man, and he's so used to it, he just lays down and lets you all walk over him instead of standing up for himself. No wonder he says nothing; he doesn't have to, you all do whatever you want without his approval.
Funny how you say how, "It's not only just affecting him, it's affecting everyone," well that's because y'all got involved, so don't blame that on him. He's been consistent with staying away.
After reading this thread, I am so grateful for my parents and family, who accepted my decision, minded their own business, and stayed out of it.
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