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Thanks everyone - lots of interesting points of view. And in answer to the question about how she was raised - yes, she was taught to say "thank you." My sister even got on her case about not sending the wedding thank yous.
A part of me agrees with wmsn4life, about not giving future gifts to punish her being a spiteful act. The other part of me thinks, "you ungrateful brat, you are 25 years old and should know better."
The kicker to me would be that you asked her mom, your sister, about it, so you know that at least her mom knows. My mom would have said something to me, even as a grown adult, about it. I would think her mom would prompt her, but maybe not.
What to do in the future is up to you. Maybe don't EXPECT a thank-you next time and just give a gift if YOU feel moved to do so.
I just can't feel motivated to give repeat gifts to rude people who don't acknowledge them. A google search can tell even the most uneducated that written thank- you notes are the proper response to wedding gifts. One site I looked at stated personal written notes were necessary "100 years ago, 50 years ago and today!"
A gift is a GIFT, something you willingly give someone because you want to show them how you feel about them.
Not giving her (or her baby) ANY subsequent gifts in the future because you feel snubbed is spiteful and passive-aggressive. If you don't want to give her any more gifts, then don't. But don't do it to punish her.
If it was my niece, I would not be passive-aggressive, I would come right out and say. "Since I did not receive any acknowledgement of my graduation gift and wedding gift that I gave you, it is clear that youdon't want me to give you any more gifts, so I will not. Here is a present for your new baby".
Of course, I would not have to blunt with any of my nieces or nephews because they grew up acknowledging gifts that they were given, whether it was for a birthday, holiday, graduation or whatever.
My nephew was married last fall. A few weeks before the wedding he happened to mention to me, while we were talking about the wedding plans, that they had all of the envelopes already addressed and stamped, and they had written out all of the Thank You notes as they received each gift, but would mail them after the wedding. Now he was not some wedding etiquette guru, just a typical "working class Joe" who married a "working class Jane". Everyone received their Thank You Note within two weeks of the wedding (and they even went on a week long honeymoon).
I gave my niece $100 as a wedding gift over a year ago, and I have not received a thank you note. I didn't even receive a verbal thank you. I checked with her mother (my sis) and she said she just didn't send them out, to anyone. I also gave her a $50 college graduation gift the previous month, and again, nothing.
Niece is now pregnant. If it were you, would you get a baby gift (or any subsequent gifts in the future)?
I started sending my niece pkgs of Thank you note and blanks notes years ago and expressed to her the importance of Thank you note. I also wanted her to send Thinking of you note to relatives, every now and then. This took a little bit of me reminding her. When her Birthday came around I wanted her to send Thank you notes and she did I even rec'd one. Now she knows this is what is proper.
I'm not sure if I would by a gift in your situation. Are you close with your niece ? Can you talk with her about this ?
I find it odd that she didn't even offer up a verbal "thank you" of any kind.
I'd love to see written "thank you" notes vanish, because I've never been big on cards, but I still send them if I've not had the opportunity to thank the gift giver in person and/or the occasion is formal (sent them for my wedding).
I would give her a shower gift, but only if I was attending a shower. If she didn't thank me in person, after opening my gift? No more gifts because she's clearly unappreciative.
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I agree with Wmsn4Life. Do we do kind things in life just to be aknowledged? Sometimes I guess, but keeping score like this is not the most healthy way to live.
Unless you or someone talk to her about proper etiquette, she will never understand it and also she most certainly will not make the connection between no gift because of no thank you note.
Give her the gift. At another time I recommend you have an "aunt to niece discussion. "
She's your niece so I'd definitely still give her a gift. If it wasn't close family, I wouldn't give another gift. We had a girl at work who never even said thank you for all the baby gifts we got her for her baby shower...so when her wedding shower rolled along many of us didn't give a gift.
A gift is a GIFT, something you willingly give someone because you want to show them how you feel about them.
Not giving her (or her baby) ANY subsequent gifts in the future because you feel snubbed is spiteful and passive-aggressive. If you don't want to give her any more gifts, then don't. But don't do it to punish her.
Sorry, you couldn't be more wrong. It is the epitome of rudeness and horrible manners to not send a thank you note for a wedding gift. It is the ultimate in bad etiquette. This actually happened to me and my cousin both, who bought expensive wedding gifts for our nephew and his new wife. Neither of us received a written or even a verbal acknowledgement, even after a family vacation with all of us in attendance. We both confirmed that our gifts were delivery properly as well. So, that being said, I will not buy the couple a baby gift or any other gift in the future, for two reasons. One, ungrateful people don't deserve it, and it's part of the downfall of society and manners, and I won't reward poor behavior. And two, a rude person deserves to be "punished" or taught. Clearly, the bride's mother didn't teach her properly, so her aunts-in-law will have to. And I will be just fine telling her why I won't participate or fund her in the future. She has made a choice. And so have I. Yes, it is THAT BAD to not send thank you notes.
If it was a random acquaintance, I wouldn't send another gift. But since it's your niece, I probably still would, if anything just to avoid drama. Are you close with her at all? I find it very rude to accept gifts and not send a thank you to the people who gave them... I've encountered that a few times personally too and it was the last thing they got. No excuses for the 'younger generation', I'm in my 20's and I send a hand written card for each gift I receive.
In answer to the question about whether we're close - well, yes and no. I live about 2,000 miles away but was in their same town until she was about 10. In our family, it's just my sister and her 3 kids, my dad I.. and I don't have kids of my own. So though we're not particularly close, I'd hate to cause a rift in the small family I have. That being said, I don't appreciate her lack of gratitude. All of your points will be taken here for more serious thought on the matter. Guess I have about 7 more months to figure it out
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Wrong, Wrong, Wrong
