Is having no spark a justified reason to break up in a long term relationship?

[Luis Antonio]

Originally Posted by west8683

He is consistently a very respectful and responsible person, both at our relationship and at his job.

I think it's very cowardly of him to break up with you by text instead of in person. That would be the least he should do if he has a little respect for you.

[Ghobi]

This guy warrants nothing but ice cold nothing. After months he could at 32 years old simply be kind and end it with respect.

Op don’t even bother. You will bleed feelings but you never had anything apparently. I’m sorry about that shock, what with the corny talk of a future he never meant.

A lifetime with this one sounds like a bad time.

Sounds like he was good on paper and a real unempathetic stone. You don’t want that.

[mitak]

It's possible that his anxious attachment caused him to pull away. I read your whole post, that he pulled away in the past as well but then relaxed and came back. It would be better if he explained to you why he didn't feel a spark. That's such a general statement. It means he didn't feel chemistry.. but after 5.5 months of connecting and then cuddling (which went well), it makes no sense why he would be so cold. I also have a hard time with this when men do this, but I haven't experienced it too much. Maybe he is super busy with work as well and that's why he didn't text yet.. though you said he updated his dating profile recently. Idk, 5.5 months is a long time to finally let someone go so abruptly.. Maybe he will get back to you after reading the letter you sent to him, and tell you he said it because he thought you weren't that attracted to him. I'm just saying, sometimes men do this too.. Especially the anxiously attached ones. They are anxiously attached due to experiencing rejection early in life, or not getting the love the needed as a child. Their caretaker was inconsistent and unavailable in some way. They break up with you before you break up with them. So it's possible he assumed you weren't that interested in him. Anxious avoidants can get a very strong trigger response, to the point they don't even know why they feel a certain way. They can be very sensitive to rejection or criticism. Although, the consensus here overall with the other posts is that he just isn't interested in continuing with you and he doesn't feel chemistry with you. That's also likely, ... it's hard to say without knowing his side of the story.

It is also possible he went to the work party, had a few drinks, and flirted with another girl where he 'felt a spark'. That would be the alcohol making it easier. It sounds like your relationship with him was a bit stiff, such as how you discussed afterwards how you felt after making out. Usually it's understood by both people without saying it that there were some serious fireworks (or not) when making out. Idk, maybe if he comes back and you want to try again, and if you're very physically into him, see if you can let go more and see what happens. If he still doesn't feel anything, then it's definitely over.

[CorporateCowboy]

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

The main reason why I wanted to know what was wrong, was so I could try to solve or fix or negotiate it out of the way. Ya just can't. And it simply takes time to really let that GO and get over it, a lot of the time.

Yep, I agree you ‘just can’t’; however, the OP shouldn’t want to move forward with him, either. What type of person pursues (or essentially harasses) someone who isn’t interested in them/doesn’t feel a ‘spark’.

Originally Posted by west8683

All our values and hobbies align.

Originally Posted by west8683

I am just very confused by his decision and cannot figure out what went wrong that made the spark so important all of a sudden.

Originally Posted by west8683

I asked to schedule a FaceTime call .

Originally Posted by west8683

The last time we met, we initiated physical intimacy by cuddling and kissing. Before we separated that day, we both discussed how we felt about the experience. We both agreed that it feels good.

Originally Posted by Ghobi

This guy warrants nothing but ice cold nothing.

Originally Posted by Luis Antonio

I think it's very cowardly of him to break up with you by text instead of in person. That would be the least he should do if he has a little respect for you.

I agree, but apparently neither one has much relationship experience (and both sound robotic, cold and detached). As written, it appears obvious neither has much respect for the other or a clue as to what building a healthy relationship entails; namely - communication, mutual trust and enjoyable time spent together beyond ‘aligned hobbies’ and scheduled FaceTime calls.

Originally Posted by west8683

I feel like he is an anxious avoidant partner (his parents were emotionally unavailable growing up) because throughout our relationship, he will pull back each time when we make milestone.

That said, it certainly doesn’t involve coldly treating a potential partner as a walking diagnosis based on how you feel. You’re attempting to justify and place blame (when you chose to be in a relationship with him) rather than accept you’re on a different page and that he isn’t the right guy for you. As such, your thread is highly-indicative you have some issues to work through as well.

[ClaraC]

OP - what more do you want him to say? "There's no spark" is a very full and complete reason to break up with someone you were considering for a long term relationship.

Anything else he could say would just hurt you further - describing what about you he doesn't find alluring.

Don't expect him to do that.

[Sonic_Spork]

Originally Posted by CorporateCowboy

Yep, I agree you ‘just can’t’; however, the OP shouldn’t want to move forward with him, either. What type of person pursues (or essentially harasses) someone who isn’t interested in them/doesn’t feel a ‘spark’.













I agree, but apparently neither one has much relationship experience (and both sound robotic, cold and detached). As written, it appears obvious neither has much respect for the other or a clue as to what building a healthy relationship entails; namely - communication, mutual trust and enjoyable time spent together beyond ‘aligned hobbies’ and scheduled FaceTime calls.



That said, it certainly doesn’t involve coldly treating a potential partner as a walking diagnosis based on how you feel. You’re attempting to justify and place blame (when you chose to be in a relationship with him) rather than accept you’re on a different page and that he isn’t the right guy for you. As such, your thread is highly-indicative you have some issues to work through as well.

Where you and I disagree here, is that I think that it's beyond reasonable expectation of a normal human being to expect them to have like, perfect Zen thinking at all times. Being broken up with, when you had every reason to think that you had something good that was going where you wanted it to and you were investing emotionally... It sucks. It hurts. It leads to some irrational thinking for a time. That is NORMAL.

Where I'm coming from is having experienced it a number of times myself in the course of my lifetime, and in the rear view mirror of hindsight, this mental behavior, while understandable and excusable in that period after such a breakup...it's ultimately kinda fruitless. One can pretty clearly see it after the fact, less so when one is in the middle of processing those feelings.

It's a bit like how they try to explain the "stages of grief" which also can't be expected to be perfectly rational when one is going through that. (Noting of course that people do not proceed in an orderly fashion through the "stages" like step one, two, three...but it's useful to identify patterns of thought that a person goes through after a painful life event that one must process.)

Going through difficult things and not necessarily being at one's perfect best while doing so, is NORMAL HUMAN STUFF. As such...having the emotional rug yanked out from under ya like this woman is dealing with, yeah, she's going to feel like there is a mystery that must be solved, have impulses to try and negotiate the situation back to what was not hurtful, and so on. Obviously it's not a working rational strategy, but just like the very normal human thing of seeing patterns where perhaps none exist, it's a thing that people do. Recognizing that, not being hard on yourself for it, and being able to tell yourself, "this is just part of the process and I need to not put too much mental energy into it...it will pass with time" can help.

The urge to seek "closure" is very much what I'm talking about here. It's a desire for an explanation. Asking of questions like, "was this my fault? Is there something I did wrong that I need to fix or change, that just does not work for men? Was this all on him? Did he lie to me, did he find someone else, does he simply have mental issues that made him pull away? Why, why, why?" It's right there with tormenting yourself listening to "your song" and poking the sore spot in your heart. Not good for ya, but people do it all the time. Until the rawness fades, they move on, and healing happens. You can't just take someone telling you on the internet that your emotionally driven thinking is "unhealthy" and flip a switch and simply STOP. But should try to gain more mindfulness of it, get better at laying it to rest, and take comfort that time will help it get better.

The slinging of pop-psych labels is absolutely part of this whole process. I see it all the time. It's not a legitimate endeavor, though...it is part of this emotional mystery-sleuthing thing. Better to let it go, but forgivable in the context of this emotional state when it's happening.

And OP, while at this point I am understanding and forgiving of myself for the time when I felt this way and did these things, I admit that I look back on my thoughts and words at that time and feel pretty cringe about it now. You will be OK. He bruised your heart, he didn't break it. The healing will come. In the meantime...I still recommend journaling about this. That way later, when you look back and all of this stuff feels awkward to you, you can just shred, burn or trash those pages and leave it all in the past.

[CorporateCowboy]

Originally Posted by Sonic_Spork

Where you and I disagree here, is that I think that it's beyond reasonable expectation of a normal human being to expect them to have like, perfect Zen thinking at all times. Being broken up with, when you had every reason to think that you had something good that was going where you wanted it to and you were investing emotionally... It sucks. It hurts. It leads to some irrational thinking for a time. That is NORMAL.

I’m not suggesting the OP shouldn’t be hurt or confused by it; I agree, it’s normal. That said, her post sounds robotic, cold and distant - as if she is describing some sort of business relationship i.e. ‘aligned hobbies’, ‘scheduled FaceTime calls’ and ‘once a week meetings’ as well as referring to him as a diagnosis. Frankly, it doesn’t come across as a healthy, mutually-loving relationship that should continue anyway.

That said, the OP is not looking for help in processing her hurt; rather, she’s seeking a ‘justifiable reason’ he would end the relationship and expressing a need to (desperately) hang on or reach out to him again. In other words, she doesn’t want to face said pain; she’d rather avoid it and stay with/pursue a guy who broke up with her, for whatever reason. That part of the equation is NOT normal.

[Sonic_Spork]

Originally Posted by CorporateCowboy

I’m not suggesting the OP shouldn’t be hurt or confused by it; I agree, it’s normal. That said, her post sounds robotic, cold and distant - as if she is describing some sort of business relationship i.e. ‘aligned hobbies’, ‘scheduled FaceTime calls’ and ‘once a week meetings’ as well as referring to him as a diagnosis. Frankly, it doesn’t come across as a healthy, mutually-loving relationship that should continue anyway.

That said, the OP is not looking for help in processing her hurt; rather, she’s seeking a ‘justifiable reason’ he would end the relationship and expressing a need to (desperately) hang on or reach out to him again. In other words, she doesn’t want to face said pain; she’d rather avoid it and stay with/pursue a guy who broke up with her, for whatever reason. That part of the equation is NOT normal.

Ah.

I see what the issue here is.

You think she is cold and robotic and not emotional because of the language she is using, rather than presenting here by baring all of her feelings and pain to the strangers of the internet to poke around in and play with. Yeah... She's using self defensive language, dude. The intellectualizing of it is how we try to keep it together when we're dealing with something like this ("we" being women, often.) Because like, you know how guys don't feel like they can fall apart and show their feelings? And believe that women have license to do so? Well the thing is, there are spaces where pretty much anyone is more or less safe making themselves vulnerable.

And among strangers on an internet forum? LOL not wise.

No the things she is saying reveal the truth that she is hurting to those who know the code of it. The effort to "diagnose" is part of that same process. At some point she's going to realize that along with the fact that she probably won't get any answers or closure, that none of the intellectual exercises truly help with it much and she's just got to feel what she feels and get through that...but she is not at all obligated to expose any of that side of it here, to us. And in fact I advise pretty strongly against it.

[ShellNic]

Originally Posted by DefiantNJ

I agree with everything "Shelato' wrote here but would make an important clarification. OP is of course absolutely is entitled to whatever sexual intimacy boundary she is comfortable with. However, she needs to realize that waiting to have sex until marriage is outside the mainstream US secular dating culture. So unless OP's is very religious, she is likely to have challenges dating...

I agree with most everyone here but I wanted to point out that waiting to have sex until after marriage, while also outside of dating culture, isn't always the best choice anyway. I admire and respect one's beliefs and dedication to what they think is right for them - but what if the two of you just aren't good together that way? What if he has weird preferences? What if she does something he doesn't like? What if your communication is lacking that these differences never work out?

Being compatible sexually is as important as any other aspect of your relationship. If it's out of balance, the other "comfortable/easy" aspects of your relationship can then become out of balance. To the OP I say, I'm very sorry your heart is aching and you're feeling rejected by someone you thought was on the same page. It totally sucks but read what these folks are saying - heal, reflect, grow and move on. You shouldn't have to compromise on your beliefs, or lose self respect because some guy made you feel rotten - but maybe you can improve yourself in some way that it's healthier to move forward with someone better.

ETA: I didn't want to imply you did something to evoke his actions - just that, self improvement is usually valuable to the self :-)

[ellie]

I’m sorry you are hurting. I don’t think it was from lack of sex, since he’s accustomed to that in previous relationships. Don’t blame yourself or let anyone make you feel less than for this outcome.

You’re probably right about his anxiety and work load. He might have gotten cold feet after suddenly feeling close to you. Maybe it was too much? Maybe he wasn’t ready? Maybe he’s not entirely rational and needed space?

You should be grateful he was considerate enough to make a clean break relatively early in your relationship. You are right to feel shattered and disappointed from this unexpected turn. Everything felt good and suddenly it was over.

Go be nice to yourself. Get some rest. Eat an orange, slowly. Visit your family or a few friends. Let them comfort you. Try not to rehash the details at night. It’s sad — most people know how you feel. It’ll be better in a few months. Be sure to plan a vacation with people you enjoy. You’ll have that to look forward to.