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Okay, I don’t know how to start my side of the story, but here it goes…
I am an American female at the age of 30. I am well eduacated to the point where I am currently studying for my master’s online. And, I have experience from work life in my country: the good ol’ USA. Six years ago I made a life changing decision to start a new life in Italy.
During these past five years of living in Italy I had to make a lot of heart breaking decisions, all alone. My USA family is no longer in touch with me any more since high school. We don’t see each other eye-to-eye. I am not married and I do not have children (besides having a mini dog), nor do I plan to have any in this point in time. All of my decisions have been sacrificial to the point where I haven’t seen any opportunities or changes in my current situation living in Italy.
My relationship is no longer full of happiness, joy and love. Our ages have a thirty year age gap. He is Italian from the eternal city.
There have been many situations in our relationship during these past five years that have changed the way I think about my future living in Italy, and if where I am is truly a waste of my time.
(When I was younger I thought it would be so cool to live in a foreign country and learn a foreign language, sure, the fantasies were there, but now it just feels like there will never be any peace and happiness living here.)
Here is the story:
Yesterday afternoon was a family gathering/birthday lunch. My boyfriends father just turned 90 in April. His father wanted to have a family gathering that included his long time best friend who now has dementia. So, my boyfriend and I, we couldn’t cancel the last minute changes (Italians are notorious for doing this kind of thing here in Italy). In total we were 16 people at the table, instead of 18.
The entire family is Italian and only a few speak and understand English, like my fidanzato, his niece (a life long student, when she feels like showing off), and his brother in-law (a pharmacist). Most refuse to speak standard Italian and that’s exactly what I am studying and speaking; an American who is living in Italy. No dialect, please.
I am very respectful and always ready to speak in Italian, actually, I taught myself to speak and understand Italian. I just started studying Spanish about a week ago. Though til this day I am still studying and learning Italian. Learning a foreign language is a forever job.
Anyways, I had notice a lot of different personalities from everyone at the table and these personalities has not improved since the last time I saw these people, furthermore the attitudes and behaviors from everyone was just terrible. Usually I see his relatives at least once, rarely twice a year. I’d say once a year which is not much to account for, really.
One of the relatives was constantly blowing his nose at the table (it was gross and no one said anything about it) and his wife was speaking so loud in dialect, that I couldn’t talk and translate what I wanted to say into Italian. Then that same woman had the nerve to say some uneducated things to me along with her husband about the United States. I understand that my country is not doing so well in many areas of life… Non sono stupida. But what the heck! Italy is far worst than us when it comes to health! Their diet consists of pasta, pizza and potatoes for the rest of one’s lifespan, really. Most of them drink soda (coca-cola) and strong black coffee with sugar too. Do I disrepect them in person? No, I am modest. Pretty much dealing with bambini over here non-stop.
Any how. Whenever I speak in Italian about my opinion or about how I like to take really good care of myself (very proud of my achievements with my health and wellness), someone at the table has the nerve to say a snobby comment or he/she will treat me like I am an idiot.
This kind of situation has happened to me many times with them, but also with Italian strangers at Italian restaurants too.
My boyfriends best male friend was there with us and he too, was a total arsehole to me. Besides the girl best friend of my boyfriends best friend. Hope this makes a lot of sense. She was a kind and understanding grown lady. She comes from Peru, but has been living in Italy for a long time now. So, her speaking Italian throughout the years has not been an issue. Both languages are totally similar. She had studied Italian since she was a young girl.
For five years I have been putting in a lot of my efforts to be friendly and open to everyone in my boyfriends family circle, but all they do is turn their heads the other way, or they would say a rude comment about America. My boyfriend’s mother still doesn’t like me and now her and I don’t see each other eye-to-eye. He says that she has never met Americans but what the heck, five years has passed now.
Like, 6 years is near and they still treat me like an outsider. Everyone of them, including his parents. As if I am not aware of the real world around me, or as if I had never travelled the world. I am not ignorant.
Not once have I ever disrespected them in anyway or their country. Not once. And now I am at the breaking point where I just can’t take it any more.
Many times I have approach the situation to my boyfriend and he has told me that he feels sad about how I feel, but there is nothing that he can do to change it. I have to suck it up and live with their compliants and nasty attitudes. He talks to his parents on the phone everyday for hours and all I hear is compliants coming from them, too.
Plus, he likes to say that I am a perfectionist. Or, he would say that “If your country is so great, why don’t you go back to America for a while”. It’s these type of arguments that I do not like. We argue a lot. I have no respect for him any more. I don't even trust him with my own words.
Who wants to live in Italy with negativity and sadness everyday along with an Italian partner who’s family is not very welcoming to Americans? I would like to know.
This situation with his parents and his relatives seems like it will not likely to change any time soon as Italian culture is known for these kind of behaviors. Sadly, I found this out later rather than sooner.
However, I want to leave the relationship and move on. I don't deserve to be treated poorly by my boyfriend and his family. I am fed up of it.
I am officially ready to: gettare la spungna – to put up the white flag.
I need good, solid advice from experienced people who has probably went through the same/or similar situation as I am currently dealing with right now.
All advice will be heard because growth is more important than anger.
My relationship is no longer full of happiness, joy and love. Our ages have a thirty year age gap.
Who wants to live in Italy with negativity and sadness everyday along with an Italian partner who’s family is not very welcoming to Americans? I would like to know.
This situation with his parents and his relatives seems like it will not likely to change any time soon as Italian culture is known for these kind of behaviors. Sadly, I found this out later rather than sooner.
However, I want to leave the relationship and move on. I don't deserve to be treated poorly by my boyfriend and his family. I am fed up of it.
So... do it.
There's no feud that I can see. They don't like you... even HE doesn't like you.
Why do you stick around for such abuse? Money?
Last edited by Pitt Chick; 05-06-2024 at 06:27 AM..
No, no money is involved. I am currently in the process of getting a permit. Bureaucracy is a long process in Italy. The Italian economy has been strucked hard since Covid. So, work life in Italy is slow right now.
They don't deserve your kindness and you don't deserve the abuse. Your boyfriend sounds like a jerk. Apparently the apple doesnt fall far from the family tree.
I doubt this is just the way Italians are, just this particular family. They probably talk nasty about each other too, not you only.
You are young and need to expand your circle of friends excluding rude, negative people like these. What does not benefit you does not belong in your life. You can't turn these people into your own happy family because they clearly do not accept you. Make a decision that won't resemble regret in another five years.
It would be my opinion that you should "think outside the bun" and just for a while, leave the boyfriend and the problems out of your mind.
What do you really want? Do you want to live in Italy or would you like to go back to the US? Either way, the relationship with this guy is pretty much over. You should go ahead and get out now, live where you want to live, heal from all of this and focus on the things you want and the things you enjoy.
If he allows his family to disrespect you each time you see them, then he isn't what you think he is. He is obviously close to them if he talks on the phone for hours each day. He isn't going to change and you don't need to be unhappy.
Just keep it simple and narrow it down (regardless of the issues). The relationship isn't working. No problem, just accept it for what it is and learn from it. Now you know what you will or will not tolerate. Bring that bit of information with you as you move forward in your life.
Once you end things with him and move forward, the world will be open for you again. Follow your heart and your dreams, live where you have a "safe haven" to come home to.
As for the boyfriend, if you do decide to end things, there is no reason for any drama at all. Just tell him that it isn't working for YOU and that's that. You can't blame things like this on any particular thing, it's nobody's fault. It just isn't working. Of course you will miss him for a while. If you had an old cankerous leg and they cut it off, you'd miss it.
Once past the hurt, new doors will open for you and you will know exactly what (and what not) to do.
I kinda fizzzled out reading, but I suggest either stay in your lane, accept defeat, and just learn to be quiet in Italy, or end the relationship and move on to a new environment where you are free to be yourself. Dating a guy 30 years older @ your age is a waste of time, not even being Italian can romanticize the gross factor here.. Is this why your family won't speak to you anymore?? They think he's some kind of weird sugar daddy?
My husband's father was first gen Italian, the family adopted US ways pretty much but held on to their Italian ways too. My Husband talked a lot about his grandparents and their life in New Jersey. They did well (no Mafia), they were from Napoli not Sicily.
In Italian culture, in general, Mama rules. The son's wife is considered an outsider even after she gives the family children, in particular sons. Girlfriends are nothing. Do you live with your boyfriend? Even worse.
Are you Catholic? Why aren't you married? Why haven't you given the family children?
This is why you're being treated with disrespect. Certainly you understand this about Italian culture by now. Italians are very cultured people, to insult a guest (not that they consider you a guest at this point) by insulting her country is a grave insult indeed in their eyes. They probably wonder why you're still around. They know very well how they're treating you.
Has your bf proposed? What are your plans for the future with him?
I'd guess that you represent everything wrong with modern women, in their view: independent, educated, well-spoken and out-spoken, probably an atheist and worst of all an American who brings her New World sensibilities to their country.
I understand it's the 21st C. and Rome is a very cosmopolitan city, but Traditions run deep. I'm a huge admirer of Italian culture and its contributions to the world, Italy is essentially the foundation of Europe.
If you choose to stay in Italy, think about the compromises you will have to make. Five years isn't a long time. Maybe you and Italy just aren't a match.
Hello D217. Age is not a problem in my family. My mother was older than my father. However, she is hanging out with sky daddy and the rest of the gang in heaven. She is my hero.
My family has hidden envy issues to the core. Growing up, my sisters didn't like me much. I am not ugly, okay. Let's get that out there. There were always a lot of hate and envy issues among them. I always kept my cool and went the other direction because I knew very well of their low self-esteem issues. I mean, they are not ugly. It's their personality that makes them ugly. So, I didn't want to be part of that lifestyle. When my mother passed away everybody changed ways and I had to accept that. It was hard.
And no, my boyfriend is not a sugar daddy. Italians are very smart about people who are only looking for a dollar (I should say 'euro' haha) and nothing else. He has everything here as an Italian citizen and I am still in the process of fighting with the Italian government over a little plastic card in order to regain myself here in Italy.
The thing is this: I don't want to wait 30-40 years over this permit nor the situation that I am in right now.
Yesterday, his family is very well aware that I am studying and speaking Italian. Sure, it is not perfect Italian but at least I have the guts to risk the studies that I've done on my own and speak in a room full of Italian strangers. No one is not able to speak my mothertongue correctly, buy hey, who am I to judge? I spoke no Italian when I arrived as a student five years ago in Rome and that was hard. Learning any foreign language is tough and you have to be a strong person to be able to persist.
But, I don't think I want to persist any longer. I've done a wonderful job lasting as long as I did. That deserves credit and respect more than anything else. Money cannot add up to that kind of emotion in life.
My husband's father was first gen Italian, the family adopted US ways pretty much but held on to their Italian ways too. My Husband talked a lot about his grandparents and their life in New Jersey. They did well (no Mafia), they were from Napoli not Sicily.
In Italian culture, in general, Mama rules. The son's wife is considered an outsider even after she gives the family children, in particular sons. Girlfriends are nothing. Do you live with your boyfriend? Even worse.
Are you Catholic? Why aren't you married? Why haven't you given the family children?
This is why you're being treated with disrespect. Certainly you understand this about Italian culture by now. Italians are very cultured people, to insult a guest (not that they consider you a guest at this point) by insulting her country is a grave insult indeed in their eyes. They probably wonder why you're still around. They know very well how they're treating you.
Has your bf proposed? What are your plans for the future with him?
I'd guess that you represent everything wrong with modern women, in their view: independent, educated, well-spoken and out-spoken, probably an atheist and worst of all an American who brings her New World sensibilities to their country.
I understand it's the 21st C. and Rome is a very cosmopolitan city, but Traditions run deep. I'm a huge admirer of Italian culture and its contributions to the world, Italy is essentially the foundation of Europe.
If you choose to stay in Italy, think about the compromises you will have to make. Five years isn't a long time. Maybe you and Italy just aren't a match.
Best wishes.
The Romans and the Napolitani are very different because Napoli holds an arabic domination history while Roma was never a religious city.
Many Italians who grew up around the ancient Roman culture tells this to everyone who enters the eternal city and who dares to practice speaking Italian to a real Italian. Romans are blunt about this fact. Rome is not religious. The city never has been and still remains like this today.
The pope was the one who changed the history around only to confuse everyone that he is the best ruler in the world and started to scare the Romans with all the churches that were built in Italy. The churches were and is still the strongest mafia in the world. The pope history is nasty and today we can see a little light into this fact. Especially what he is doing to children behind closed doors. I know all of this as a fact coming from the cognato of my Roman boyfriend. His cognato is napolitano and grew up in Rome. He holds two different dialects. The man is very smart in Italian history. He always wins.
My boyfriend already told his parents what he wants in a gal and it's certainly not everything you wrote above, hahaha
The second niece is doing crazy things behind her parents back. Her parents allows it.
He doesn't want the ring. It will be impossible to get an official marriage certificate. I don't want the ring, either. A russian girl told me she has been married to her husband for 15 years without the certificate. They are not even recognised as 'married', and now wants a divorce which will cause her to wait around another 10 more years. The Italian system is broken over here.
His parents are not comfortable about his personal choices.
The father met Americans during WWll and he can speak a little English. America helped free Italy during the war. He is very curious about American culture, though. I know what he is looking at on his cell phone, hahaha That's our little secret. He is not always traditional with his wife, hahaha
I wouldn't say that I am well-spoken, nor in Italian and my own madrelingua. I never studied my own language in the American public schools because they didn't care about proper communication and grammar. Our country has a long history on American illiteracy. Only the rich Americans could afford to have a tutor to help them improve on their English. And, skin color mattered a lot back then when it matter the most to learning English.
Yeah, I never insulted Italy in anyway, shape or form. They always have a rude thing to say about the USA. Since the USA became the super power of the world, Romans feel defenseless. I am not the President of the United States, so this political anger is not my problem. Romans need to step up the plate and regain their Roman Empire once again or just work like everyone else on this planet.
I am quiet, but I would like to have meaningful conversations with people who are interested to get to know me, personally. People who understands that learning their language is not easy and to speak a little slower. Sorry, I am not a total genius. Translating takes a lot of work and energy. Try it and then report back to me on this life skill.
I am always smiling and laughing around people because my mother would've wanted that from me. To laugh and to smile.
No more Covid anymore. At some point, they'll have to move on and abituarsi the new situation. There is no virus out here.
If not, I am ready to move on and take a break from the 'bel paese'.
Plus, I am good at the no-contact game, too. Not only Italians. Wink, wink.
Leave the boyfriend and stay in Italy to see if it improves the experience, or leave the boyfriend and go home or somewhere else.
You've tooted your horn about all your accomplishments, but now you seem to be stagnating. You cannot change your boyfriend's
family. Your boyfriend doesn't want to change, and why should he? It's all working out fine for him.
Consider that maybe you've become complacent, or you've started to become afraid of change, and it's easier for you to stay with your boyfriend and be dissatisfied, than to go home and regroup. One thing is certain, do nothing and nothing changes. Embrace the uncertain and at least you won't wake up with the same complaints in another five years.
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