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I agree empathy is indeed exhausting. In addition to one’s own anxieties and worry you take on the burden of other’s as if your own. Worst part is that there is nothing you can really do about it, at least you have resources to deal with your own troubles. The ache is real, you really ache for the person’s trouble and pain.
Often men are thought to have less empathy than women. There may be some scientific data out there but i am too lazy to look it up. In real life experience women complain about men’s lack of empathy more than men ever do. Do they even notice the women in their life lack empathy? If you dont have empathy yourself you would not notice the lack of it in others.
I dont think one can learn to develop empathy. You either have it or you dont. The best you can do is to fake it. And that is not a bad thing.
I think that the question of whether and to what degree empathy might be evaluated in context of gender...it's complicated. Because it's hard to separate out power dynamics and cultural conditioning and life experience.
As a woman I can say that exercise of empathy can be self defensive. Ask any woman who has been in an abusive relationship with a man who could very well kill her if he chose to. Having empathy was a matter of making an effort to see when, how and why he might be in a troubled emotional state and knowing when and how to deploy diplomatic emotional labor to help him regulate. It's like being some kind of hostage negotiator. You first listen to the person's grievances and "demands" or whatever, establish rapport and a sense that you are on their side...then you can gradually try to de-escalate them.
I did this somewhat frequently with my first husband for 18 years and with erratic family members for long before that. I had training in it, by life. It was also taken for granted that as a female child I would be a caregiver. By age five I was cooking for my wheelchair bound great grandmother who was my main "caregiver"...in fact I was taking care of her. I read to her from the newspaper and took care of her garden and did the housekeeping and all sorts of things. At 9 I was expected to care for a baby on evenings and weekends when I wasn't at school, by myself without adult help or supervision. Getting up at night with him, losing sleep. How often is a boy expected to do such things?
I've read numerous statements and articles from psychologists who say that those who grew up around adults who were unreliable, unstable, and/or abusive, develop abilities to read a lot of subtle non-verbal cues from other people, and it is lifelong. It's a survival trait. High awareness of other people's emotional states can be very important if you have to coexist with someone who is more powerful than you, with whom you may not really be safe, or when you have to be a caregiver. This can also, unfortunately, play into why adult victims of abusive relationships may not leave when they should. They believe that they are so aware and adept at using these skills to "manage" the other person and de-escalate them, that these abilities will keep them safe...and maybe they do for a time. Until they don't.
I think that the question of whether and to what degree empathy might be evaluated in context of gender...it's complicated. Because it's hard to separate out power dynamics and cultural conditioning and life experience.
As a woman I can say that exercise of empathy can be self defensive. Ask any woman who has been in an abusive relationship with a man who could very well kill her if he chose to. Having empathy was a matter of making an effort to see when, how and why he might be in a troubled emotional state and knowing when and how to deploy diplomatic emotional labor to help him regulate. It's like being some kind of hostage negotiator. You first listen to the person's grievances and "demands" or whatever, establish rapport and a sense that you are on their side...then you can gradually try to de-escalate them.
I did this somewhat frequently with my first husband for 18 years and with erratic family members for long before that. I had training in it, by life. It was also taken for granted that as a female child I would be a caregiver. By age five I was cooking for my wheelchair bound great grandmother who was my main "caregiver"...in fact I was taking care of her. I read to her from the newspaper and took care of her garden and did the housekeeping and all sorts of things. At 9 I was expected to care for a baby on evenings and weekends when I wasn't at school, by myself without adult help or supervision. Getting up at night with him, losing sleep. How often is a boy expected to do such things?
I've read numerous statements and articles from psychologists who say that those who grew up around adults who were unreliable, unstable, and/or abusive, develop abilities to read a lot of subtle non-verbal cues from other people, and it is lifelong. It's a survival trait. High awareness of other people's emotional states can be very important if you have to coexist with someone who is more powerful than you, with whom you may not really be safe, or when you have to be a caregiver. This can also, unfortunately, play into why adult victims of abusive relationships may not leave when they should. They believe that they are so aware and adept at using these skills to "manage" the other person and de-escalate them, that these abilities will keep them safe...and maybe they do for a time. Until they don't.
People who grew up cherished and with healthy and loving adults, and who are themselves of sound mind and disposition, also are full of empathy. Those who were not so fortunate also show empathy. Empathy is innate, and arises from strength, rarely out of weakness.
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. When the participants saw someone suffering, it activated a neural network that would light up if they themselves were in pain. It hurt. And when people can’t help, they escape the pain by withdrawing.
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This may be true. One may be empathetic to a fault, but they can withdraw, instead of giving.
Empathy is a blessing that greatly helps those with it follow the Golden Rule, since they can easily put themselves in others' places. As a result, theyare less likely to want to damage or take advantage of others.
Empathy is how would I like it if that happened to me. It is, "how would I like it if someone harmed me in that way" or "how would I appreciate it if someone helped me in that way".
Empathy is like an extension of conscience.
Criminals have no empathy. People who inflict great bodily harm have no empathy. I'm not talking about snapping in a heated moment of passion, but people who routinely are able to hurt others. No empathy.
I don't find empathy exhausting at all. It is a fundamental attribute of my personality. It is no more exhausting than breathing or blinking.
People who grew up cherished and with healthy and loving adults, and who are themselves of sound mind and disposition, also are full of empathy. Those who were not so fortunate also show empathy. Empathy is innate, and arises from strength, rarely out of weakness.
Sometimes.
Sometimes they grow up full of entitlement. If they were never expected to show particular care for the needs of anyone else but had their own every need catered to...
I have known people who were just basically kind of classic "spoiled kids." Or those raised in strict but massively achievement focused mindsets. Who were not of unsound mind or disposition exactly, but who struggle with empathy as adults.
Children have to be taught or guided to empathy, though it's not hard to do. In raising my own, there were many moments where we had that, "how would you feel if your brother would not share with you?" kind of talk. Guiding them to consider the feelings of other people, to think about how their own actions might make other people feel. But there has to be a healthy balance between teaching this, and not teaching a child that they are required to sacrifice every single consideration for their own wellbeing to put everyone else first.
And I'm sorry but I have seen a lot of people who could arguably be considered the "stronger" person in an interpersonal power dynamic, who utterly lack empathy. And people who were in some ways "weaker" but who had tons of it. Like the family member who can't take proper care of her own self but will never turn away a suffering animal. She is not a very strong person, and it could reasonably be argued that she isn't making good choices, but she just can't cope with imagining the suffering of a helpless creature.
Based on this and your contributions to another thread, I gotta say that some of it sounds a lot like asking an AI to spit out vaguely Buddhist-like philosophical ideology into a forum. There is a lot more to life organically lived among actual humans, than pithy bumper sticker notions can really encompass. And raising a child with love and the best of possible intentions does not guarantee that you will wind up with a perfect result, either. If only because the parents are not the only influences, nor do they control all possible influences.
As with almost everything else, some of our character traits seem coded into our DNA and some are instilled by parenting and social culture.
We have seen twins where one has empathy and one does not. Just as we have seen twins where one is sunny and happy and the other depressed and angry.
Raised differently? Doubtful.
That said, any tendency for a child to be empahatic will be strengthened if groomed carefully by parents raising children right.
I assume that empathy can be beaten out of a child raised in dire circumstances. If a child born with natural empathy is thrown into a competive environment where everyone is constantly stealing from him and he has to fight daily so as not to wind up deprived of basic sustenance, that child is probably going to grow up lacking any empathy since it only served to hurt him when he exercised it and he has come to distrust everyone and see them all as enemies.
Sounds like nature and nurture. You can't instill empathy in a child psychopath.
Sometimes they grow up full of entitlement. If they were never expected to show particular care for the needs of anyone else but had their own every need catered to...
I have known people who were just basically kind of classic "spoiled kids." Or those raised in strict but massively achievement focused mindsets. Who were not of unsound mind or disposition exactly, but who struggle with empathy as adults.
Children have to be taught or guided to empathy, though it's not hard to do. In raising my own, there were many moments where we had that, "how would you feel if your brother would not share with you?" kind of talk. Guiding them to consider the feelings of other people, to think about how their own actions might make other people feel. But there has to be a healthy balance between teaching this, and not teaching a child that they are required to sacrifice every single consideration for their own wellbeing to put everyone else first.
And I'm sorry but I have seen a lot of people who could arguably be considered the "stronger" person in an interpersonal power dynamic, who utterly lack empathy. And people who were in some ways "weaker" but who had tons of it. Like the family member who can't take proper care of her own self but will never turn away a suffering animal. She is not a very strong person, and it could reasonably be argued that she isn't making good choices, but she just can't cope with imagining the suffering of a helpless creature.
Based on this and your contributions to another thread, I gotta say that some of it sounds a lot like asking an AI to spit out vaguely Buddhist-like philosophical ideology into a forum. There is a lot more to life organically lived among actual humans, than pithy bumper sticker notions can really encompass. And raising a child with love and the best of possible intentions does not guarantee that you will wind up with a perfect result, either. If only because the parents are not the only influences, nor do they control all possible influences.
We all have our own perspectives, shaped by our own needs, wants, tendencies and experiences, and spiritual growth. If that sounds too AI for you that too may be due to your own life experience. Maybe take up Buddhism?
I think that empathy gets confused with sympathy. I was told that one can only have empathy if they have experienced the same thing. Like, only another widow can have empathy for a widow. Only a person who has lost a limb can empathize with another.
Sympathy is what you have for another person whose tragedy is not one you have suffered yourself.
I think that empathy gets confused with sympathy. I was told that one can only have empathy if they have experienced the same thing. Like, only another widow can have empathy for a widow. Only a person who has lost a limb can empathize with another.
Sympathy is what you have for another person whose tragedy is not one you have suffered yourself.
Sympathy is taking pity. You can feel sorry for someone who lost a leg and is confined to a wheelchair. We are glad we can walk and we are not stuck in a wheelchair.
Empathy is understanding what someone is going through. I have a good imagination, so I can imagine specific instances of a hardship suddenly being confined to a wheelchair, and the anger and sadness at being suddenly victimized by the loss of a leg, and the questioning why this happened to you.
As with almost everything else, some of our character traits seem coded into our DNA and some are instilled by parenting and social culture.
We have seen twins where one has empathy and one does not. Just as we have seen twins where one is sunny and happy and the other depressed and angry.
Raised differently? Doubtful.
That said, any tendency for a child to be empahatic will be strengthened if groomed carefully by parents raising children right.
I assume that empathy can be beaten out of a child raised in dire circumstances. If a child born with natural empathy is thrown into a competive environment where everyone is constantly stealing from him and he has to fight daily so as not to wind up deprived of basic sustenance, that child is probably going to grow up lacking any empathy since it only served to hurt him when he exercised it and he has come to distrust everyone and see them all as enemies.
Sounds like nature and nurture. You can't instill empathy in a child psychopath.
Thankfully I have not known a whole lot of psychopaths, sociopaths or true narcissists (all those dark triad types are considered to be empathy-impaired.)
The few that I have... One was raised in affluence but his parents were extremely cold and pitted the siblings against one another. Giving praise but not affection when one appeared to be "winning" and contempt upon those appearing to "lose." But real achievement was not as important as the appearance thereof, as the parents were perfectly happy to see his way paid into a prestigious school where he then paid actually intelligent others to write his papers so he could graduate.
Another was given great warmth and love from the mother, and great abuse by the father. Could never win his father's approval. The mother's care came to be taken for granted and he doesn't really see women as people...more as needs-dispensers to be used. This man does not have great self love but can only understand another person's perspective if he aligns it directly with something he has experienced. He also lacks imagination.
Both of these cases demand "loyalty" from other people but have no real understanding of how to give it in everyday situations. Both act as though persecuted and attacked if anyone makes clear to them that they have behaved in an unacceptable way and should be accountable for it. Both almost obsessively admire men they see as stronger than themselves and feel most comfortable in situations with rigid hierarchical structure. Both have been burned after trusting people they should not have. One has been pretty successful in a lot of ways in life, and one absolutely has not. But in both situations I believe that a case study of their upbringing does show clues as to how they got to where they ended up.
I think that both nature and nurture are factors in why anyone is the way that they are. But it's rather like gravity versus magnetism, the latter is a stronger force than the former although the former is often thought of as such. Or to put it another way...the code can be more powerful than the wiring.
I think that empathy gets confused with sympathy. I was told that one can only have empathy if they have experienced the same thing. Like, only another widow can have empathy for a widow. Only a person who has lost a limb can empathize with another.
Sympathy is what you have for another person whose tragedy is not one you have suffered yourself.
I don't believe the two can be confused. We can all place ourselves in situations others are caught in and tell ourself that could be me. That could be my teenager addicted to drugs; that could be me, homeless; that could be me who was raped and beaten. That is all empathy is, to place oneself in their dire situation and feel the same sense of loss, fear, pain. We do that when watching movies, we tear up when a child is violated. Real life is even harder.
Sympathy is pity, and pity diminishes the person somewhat. Empathy is where we are with the person, feeling their emotions and sharing it, even if all we do is watch the news. But we can feel either way depending on the situation.
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