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I have an 18 year old niece who has lived with me for about a year. My brother is her father and he kind of just left her out on her own with no where to go while he did his own thing. Her mom has not wanted to be a mom to her for most of her life and I felt like I should let her move in with me and maybe I could help her get her life on the right path.
She dropped out of school in her freshman year of high school and she has never really been taught any life skills. I have tried helping her find info on things like GED or finding a job but she has done nothing to better herself and seems to just want to stay in my house and do nothing.
I had given her a deadline to at least have a job interview at the end of last week so she went online and set up an interview at mcdonalds but she never intended on going to the interview. She is at the point of being defiant now and I don't know how to get her to want to be an adult and get on with her life. I feel sorry for her because i know she is scared of growing up and has never been show by her parents how to navigate into adulthood. I know its time she leaves the nest but how do I help her do that? Now when I tell her she needs to find a job soon she has informed me that she has been having daily anxiety and is having panic attacks and says that is why she hasn't wanted to find a job. I told her to talk to her doctor about this and I sent her info on therapy but she has not followed through. I am starting to feel resentment towards her because she is so disrespectful and defiant and I do not want to feel that way at all. She has an excuse for everything and doesn't want to take responsibility for her life. Is there any advice out there for my situation?
Why did you let someone who dropped out of school and had done nothing in the years since to move in at all?
You should have laid down the law from day one.
She needs to leave.
Why did you let someone who dropped out of school and had done nothing in the years since to move in at all?
You should have laid down the law from day one.
She needs to leave.
Easier said than done in accordance with the issues we are having with our about to turn 18 daughter. We just aren’t the disposable daughter type of parents. Throwing ill prepared immature children to the wolves in 21st century cesspool America is a recipe for tragedy.
Status:
"This too shall pass. But possibly, like a kidney stone."
(set 11 days ago)
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zmary, it's kind of you to take her in.
This is how people become homeless. They just won't help themselves, and finally they burn through any family contacts that try to help. I don't think it has to do with being "shown" how to grow up, as much as it has to do with individual personalities. Some kids who come from neglectful homes are resilient, and are self-supporting by the time they are 16. They've got hustle, and energy, and drive.
She doesn't.
When you tell her to "talk to her doctor" about this, does she actually have a doctor? Does she have health insurance? If she does, make an appointment for her and take her for possible anxiety meds if that turns out to be appropriate. Also, she needs to get out of the house and exercise. Walk, swim, do yoga or pickleball, etc.
Best wishes. I don't think the idea that she could be easily "fixed" after dropping out as a freshman and doing nothing for years is a realistic one.
My perspective looking from the outside in (and I'm familiar with a few folks in this or a similar scenario).
If you are going to take someone in like this, ground rules must be set from Day 1, particularly time frames, household expectations and how much/what you are actually going to finance for them.
Personally, I think it's a huge mistake not to make these things clear from the get-go. A year is a long time with her doing virtually nothing to improve her own situation (whether or not she had good parenting to begin with and whether or not she has anxiety - which seems to be the disorder du jour).
Good luck. Stay strong. She has to stand on her own two feet at some point.
I have an 18 year old niece who has lived with me for about a year. My brother is her father and he kind of just left her out on her own with no where to go while he did his own thing. Her mom has not wanted to be a mom to her for most of her life and I felt like I should let her move in with me and maybe I could help her get her life on the right path.
Good for you! You are doing an incredible kind and decent thing.
Honestly, my daughter, with two loving parents in a stable home, was an awful teenager. She could be headstrong and set in her ways. For a 18 year old girl traumatized from a lack of parental care, I can't imagine what's going on inside her head. It would be weird if she didn't have anxiety.
She hasn't been taught how to be a person. I would back up a little bit. Take baby steps.
Find a class for her to take - a vocational class - perhaps like cooking or computers. Something interesting and fun - not necessarily a career. There are evening courses at recreation centers like this. You physical sign her up (with her permission) and you drive her to and from class. Wait to make sure she stays in the building.
Encourage her to join a gym or play tennis/paddle ball with her. Take her to the mall to window shop. Give her a container garden. Anything to physical get her into the world.
Call psychologist to find a support group for kids in her age group. Drive her to and from the meetings.
She hasn't had enough encouragement or guidance in her life to know what's right. Start positive reinforcement. Make a point of complimenting her when she does something right. When she cleans up or looks nice or is thoughtful. Verbal encouragement is going to be key.
Once she is more comfortable in her own skin, she will naturally want a job.
You could find a therapist for the two of you see together or for you alone. You'll need guidance for this big job.
Telling her to get a job when she can't leave the house will not work. She will only retreat into herself. Find a way to think positively about herself first, she'll get the job.
I have an 18 year old niece who has lived with me for about a year. My brother is her father and he kind of just left her out on her own with no where to go while he did his own thing. Her mom has not wanted to be a mom to her for most of her life and I felt like I should let her move in with me and maybe I could help her get her life on the right path.
She dropped out of school in her freshman year of high school and she has never really been taught any life skills. I have tried helping her find info on things like GED or finding a job but she has done nothing to better herself and seems to just want to stay in my house and do nothing.
I had given her a deadline to at least have a job interview at the end of last week so she went online and set up an interview at mcdonalds but she never intended on going to the interview. She is at the point of being defiant now and I don't know how to get her to want to be an adult and get on with her life. I feel sorry for her because i know she is scared of growing up and has never been show by her parents how to navigate into adulthood. I know its time she leaves the nest but how do I help her do that? Now when I tell her she needs to find a job soon she has informed me that she has been having daily anxiety and is having panic attacks and says that is why she hasn't wanted to find a job. I told her to talk to her doctor about this and I sent her info on therapy but she has not followed through. I am starting to feel resentment towards her because she is so disrespectful and defiant and I do not want to feel that way at all. She has an excuse for everything and doesn't want to take responsibility for her life. Is there any advice out there for my situation?
I wonder... has she seen a doctor lately? I'm wondering if she has ADHD. Or maybe her anxiety could be treated?
The poor thing needs help. Not everyone is so resilient after basically being abandoned by the people who brought you into the world. Just because some are strong... not everyone is. Please do not follow the advice of the one who said to throw her out. That would excacerbate the situation ten-fold, and her anxiety will become far more deeply rooted, in my opinion.
Please don't give up on her. Talk to her. Not about finding a job just yet, but just being there for her and helping her to feel a bit of security. She needs some tenderness and someone to listen. THEN she can work to build herself back up.
Just some thoughts...
Thank you for taking her in and trying to help.
It's understandable, of course, that you are feeling a bit of resentment, even though you're trying not to. I think it's very admirable of you to have reached out to her.
Good luck, I hope the situation improves soon, for both of you.
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