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I haven't attended many funerals in my lifetime and am seeking some general advice.
My best friend sadly lost her husband to cancer recently and the funeral was today. She's one of my closest friends, if not the closest. We share similarities in that she and I both became caregivers at the same time - me for my mom post stroke who is now wheelchair bound, and her a few months after when her DH was diagnosed with cancer.
I live in a property that my BFF owns (I rent from her) and am veryyyy grateful for that as her home is ranch level and I have been able to move my mother out of a (horrid) nursing home into where I live now.
I'm getting off tangent here (my mind's been all over the place lately). When my friend called me in the middle of the night saying DH had passed, I went straight to the hospital. I stayed until she and the family left. It's been a bit of a whirlwind of a week and my heart is so very heavy for her. Since DH passed I'd been doing the typical bringing over dinner/breakfast, watching/keeping the dog, providing emotional support, just being there. I'd also been leaving my mom at night to spend the night with BFF as I know this time has been difficult for her. (I know I should not leave my disabled mom home alone for too long of a period but I had been checking in on my mom via camera at night frequently as I would wait until putting my mom into bed to leave and I would return early the next morning in time to let the caregiver in that comes to support us/prior to needing to log on to work for the morning.) BFF has stayed with me as well a night as again, I don't know when she'll be ready to spend the night alone.
I didn't stay over the last 2 nights as BFF's DH's family has been there. I think they leave tomorrow. After leaving the funeral service, a close friend of BFF asked if I was bringing any food by or if I knew if they had any and I wasn't sure, so that friend stopped to get a bunch of food and I told her I'd go in half on whatever she takes to them.
I know this was long. Let me get to the point. The question is - do I go over the house/drop in today? I was thinking this time at the house should be reserved for family (unless I was maybe dropping off food to them which the other friend has already done) (?). I've got BFF's dog with me and I can't bring my mom over BFF's house as it isn't appropriate IMO fyi.
ETA: Not to make this longer but today is an emotional day for my mom as it marks the second anniversary that she had her life-changing disabling stroke. So part of me does want to spend the rest of the evening with her. However I also don't want to not do anything that might end up disappointing my friend.
IMHO your mother's needs take precedence over your friend's. Call your friend to let her know you're thinking about her. Spend the evening with your mom.
IMHO your mother's needs take precedence over your friend's. Call your friend to let her know you're thinking about her. Spend the evening with your mom.
IMHO your mother's needs take precedence over your friend's. Call your friend to let her know you're thinking about her. Spend the evening with your mom.
Once the family arrives I usually bow out. I then text every now and then to check on them so they know I'm there for them.
I agree that this is a good way to handle it. I'd go one step farther and let your friend know that if she needs a break from the family, to come on over and hang out.
So when I checked in on her she said she'd come over here and stay the night. So it worked out.
But actually she was so tired she just ended up falling asleep. It'll probably be a combo of me staying there and her staying with me for a little while I'm guessing. Although I think she'll spend more time with me whenever it is needed as she totally understands everything going on with my mom.
Once the family arrives I usually bow out. I then text every now and then to check on them so they know I'm there for them.
Yeah that's along the lines of what I was thinking.
Also, as mentioned, I had literally gone straight to the hospital when she called me in the middle of the night saying he had passed. So I feel a bit bad about that because when I had showed up to the hospital family was already there. I was just very much narrowly focused on being there for my friend, so I pray I didn't offend family by being there. I did not enter his room though (of course). An ex-wife however did show up and walked past everyone (including my friend) not saying anything to anyone and went straight into his room SMH.
After a few minutes I left my BFF from the hallway and entered the waiting room area until she came into the waiting area with the family later as I didn't want to stay in the hall right outside of his room.
I've decided to let it go in that hopefully no one was upset by my presence but if I violated etiquette by being there I definitely did not mean to.
I agree that this is a good way to handle it. I'd go one step farther and let your friend know that if she needs a break from the family, to come on over and hang out.
Yes I did let her know several times over the past week that 'her room' was prepared and ready for her at any point in time she needed to be here.
One night I had gone over and as I pulled up she said the family was there, so I turned around and as soon as I got back home she called saying to please come over now to get some things out of her home for her so I turned around and went back.
I feel confident she will tell me her needs which is good that she does so so that I know how best to help her. I know that now is the stage where the grief 'really starts to settle in' so I am trying to determine if I stay here in our state this week. I have a doc appointment out of state in a few days that I'd been waiting a month to go to, but I'm not sure if I should keep it now or not as today she did mention needing help with some things this week. I am thinking to cancel the appointment now or rather to move it out a month or so as I know this has got to be a really trying/difficult week for her and I keep this appointment I'll be gone for a good 4-5 days.
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