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if a man said that he'd be stoned in the courtyard.
How do you know the OP is not a dude?
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She does work but not enough income to move out and has too high savings to receive benefits. As I said, the area we live in is very expensive and nearby areas too.
I told my eldest that she needs to stop being difficult over it all and bitter but I did also say how proud I am of the way she handles her illnesses (To the point where we forget she even has them) and that she is a decent person. Nobody is flaunting anything in anybodys face but obviously the flat will be discussed in the home.
Unfortunately it all comes down to money. I've told her that she needs to get on dating sites if she wants to move out but she doesn't seem keen. She wants to be independent but unless she meets someone or massively improves her income it isn't going to happen. She's guaranteed a property when myself and her father pass but that is many years away hopefully for us anyway.
I got involved as I can see how my youngest is struggling and I don't want tension in the home.
Worse there could be very unhappy decades ahead if you don't take a good look at this and find a way to improve current family patterns. Again it may be worthwhile to really hear what your eldest is saying.
You say you don't expect her to be your caretaker although this worries her. But then you also say she will inherit a property, which I assume is the house you currently share (or its replacement)? Presumably you don't have the funds to gift her her own flat. Unless you and your husband go into care homes almost certainly your daughter WILL end up caretaking if she lives with you, even if nurses (that she hires and oversees) are periodically present. That may not be your intent but may become the reality unless financially viable alternative plans are developed. Possibly there are none, which is why your eldest worries - and rightfully so but once again her concerns are dismissed.
More, I don't envision the two sisters working well together to deal with future family health crises. Age has a way of magnifying not diminishing past familial tensions and hurts, and I see your eldest daughter as being very hurt probably quite angry. She tells you some of this, but you're not listening instead focused on your youngest.
In your earlier thread you indicated your youngest has had mental health problems, specifically anxiety, and to my recall implied you remained somewhat cautious when it comes to her emotional state. Very possibly extra consideration is what she also expects from her sister and she becomes "upset" when she doesn't get it. True, the eldest does not also defer to her needs, i.e., masks her own feelings to demonstrate excitement and happiness about the sister's good fortune.
Pretending is hard. I feel very sad for your eldest.
Last edited by EveryLady; 03-27-2024 at 11:44 AM..
Why would my eldest daughter need someone to come in and support her in accommodated living ? She is 39. As I said before, she is not entitled to benefits as her savings are too high. She will have to move to a much cheaper area and even then she will struggle or will need to find a partner. I don't think that is unreasonable.
My youngest and her fiance are soul mates, it's an assexual relationship but a deep love. Nobody should judge that.
As for the care situation, we just wouldn't expect her to take on the load. Even if she does still live with us. She has RA as one of her diseases and I know she is worried about how that will impact on her as she ages and I just think she needs to stop worrying about the future and what people think. Nobody can predict what will happen in a couple of years and I have told her that.
Why is a parent getting this involved in their adult children's lives at all? I'm guessing OP thrives on the drama herself and also loves the attention she gets here every time she starts a new questionable thread, much like many on this forum.
An asexual relationship, huh. Well that's good because it would be sad to have grandchildren brought into this family. That's if it is in truth an asexual relationship and not secret wild sex going on.
I'm just supporting my daughters and making sure that my eldest stops pushing the family away.
That is not your call to make. While it may be your preference, it isn't your decision.
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