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The behavior described has nothing to do with cultural differences. There are many people like that in the world. People who have to control everything, and use whatever means works for them to do it, keeping the rest of the family cowed and in their place. We see it all the time here.
I think you have a very narrow definition of culture.
My husband and I come from almost identical cultural family dynamics from two Mid-Atlantic states that have long-standing cultural connections.
I don't know what it is with these queenly mothers in law (to be fair, my mother was similar to my brother's wife) and their sons' wives.
My MIL went to her grave furious at my husband for remarrying, to the point of removing him as executor of her will.
Her legacy is a trail of broken relationships. She never put a foot wrong, in her view. No one else's opinion mattered, if it didn't align with her's it was wrong and the person who held a differing opinion was not only wrong but evil.
When my husband went against her will, ie. not ending our marriage, the blowback was furious and all consuming. Inlaws had no standing in her family, we are all outlaws.
One of my husband's cousins said, "and people outside the family think she's just a sweet old lady" - MIL's public persona.
From sad experience, I'd very much advise against trying to alter your MIL's behavior, if you do you and your wife will reap the whirlwind. Women like her and like my husband's mother are scorched earth.
Cut off their nose to spite their face. Power is their only love and desire. They will fight to the death to keep it.
Detachment is the only reaction that will keep you sane. Give your money as you see fit but detach emotionally and physically from these people.
From one outlaw to another.
Last edited by RubyandPearl; 03-16-2024 at 09:29 PM..
My husband and I come from almost identical cultural family dynamics from two Mid-Atlantic states that have long-standing cultural connections.
I don't know what it is with these queenly mothers in law (to be fair, my mother was similar to my brother's wife) and their sons' wives.
My MIL went to her grave furious at my husband for remarrying, to the point of removing him as executor of her will.
Her legacy is a trail of broken relationships. She never put a foot wrong, in her view. No one else's opinion mattered, if it didn't align with her's it was wrong and the person who held a differing opinion was not only wrong but evil.
When my husband went against her will, ie. not ending our marriage, the blowback was furious and all consuming. Inlaws had no standing in her family, we are all outlaws.
One of my husband's cousins said, "and people outside the family think she's just a sweet old lady" - MIL's public persona.
From sad experience, I'd very much advise against trying to alter your MIL's behavior, if you do you and your wife will reap the whirlwind. Women like her and like my husband's mother are scorched earth.
Cut off their nose to spite their face. Power is their only love and desire. They will fight to the death to keep it.
Detachment is the only reaction that will keep you sane. Give your money as you see fit but detach emotionally and physically from these people.
From one outlaw to another.
I don't get it either. I am a (step) MIL and I walk on eggshells around them. I would never "assert my authority" or do anything to upset them.
Controlling people certainly are plentiful in the world. Not all are as obvious as described by the OP, and not all are as extreme. My wife can be a little bit controlling in minor ways, for example she can't stop herself from telling me to park in a different parking space than I am heading for, or to give me various safety reminders; and once in awhile if something surprises her she gasps and surprises ME. Every time I am about to pull over and invite HER to drive, I remind myself why she's like this: her previous husband engaged in road rage and she literally has PTSD around it. And -- she really DOES reign it in and has forced herself to just not pay attention. The problem is heading in the right direction, because my wife is very self aware and always working on herself. She has acknowledged -- on her own -- that this behavior is wrong and annoying. So it is easy for me to decide that it's not a hill I'm going to die on.
So there are explanations for controlling behavior that one can be empathetic around, to a point. But when it becomes a need to always be right and always get your way and has elements of narcissism and sociopathy and gaslighting, then it's being taken to a toxic level. It still probably is rooted in personal insecurities and fears but that doesn't justify it; it only explains it.
My wife's MIL combines many of the characteristics described by the OP and in addition she's a rageaholic when she doesn't get her way or is threatened. My wife can't even always talk to her Dad on the phone because this battle-axe deliberately makes noise (banging around in the kitchen, talking loudly to guests who may be present, turning up the TV) so very elderly Dad can't hear her. MIL has systematically ostracized all three of her husband's natural children in favor of her own brood from previous marriages. The list of outrageous behavior is basically endless.
We do not willingly have anything to do with her or my FIL and it's easy because FIL is very old and infirm and we live nearly 3000 miles away from them. While FIL is now basically totally controlled and run by MIL, it is a situation he allowed to develop over the years and not our problem.
I would imagine that the OP's experience is a little harder to avoid and there are associated costs. It's hard to make meaningful recommendations without more insight into the family dynamic and how it evolved, but my own inclination is to cut such persons out of my life whenever possible. Life is too short and full of unforced problems, to add something like this in.
Have you ever encountered someone who gets their way by speaking on behalf of someone else (who is usually not present)?
My MIL is use to controlling everything and having her way all the time (even when we're paying). If you question this or try to modify the plan, she will invoke someone else's name and say that this third party wouldn't want that. But the reality is she is just making it all up and using it as a way to shut down your suggestion, and make you feel like you are being rude or unfair to the third party, for even considering the idea.
An example would be me asking to get burgers or steak instead of eating Asian food for the 14th time in a row. MIL would get a disgusted look on her face and tell me in a stern tone that her DIL wouldn't want that. Her Son/DIL don't pay for anything. In fact we have to pay for 1/2 of every bill, so we are paying for us and 1/2 for her DIL, her son (the father) and their 3 kids.
So in one fell swoop, she gets her way, shuts down any further discussion on the matter and I come off looking like I'm insensitive for even making the suggestion. No one is a vegetarian or anything and I'm sure all the men in the family would enjoy a steak meal once in a while. It's really just her that doesn't want to eat there... or more to the point she can't have anyone challenging her. She is the one, the only one, that makes the decisions, everyone else is just along for the ride. Oh, and there WILL be retaliation for breaking rank. It's why everyone else in the family plays along, they know the consequences, should they support my suggestion.
BTW, I'm not looking for advice on what to do. I'm just curious how common this behavior is.
My Ex's mother was an absolute beast. I mean, outright rude and nasty, plus mind games and manipulation galore. It may come to a point where your wife will have to choose between you.
And when we marry we almost never understand what significance the family of origin will play in our marriage! Wish there were some way to impress this on dating people.
I had a decent MIL in the sense that she never criticized me and was friendly and helpful but as she aged I noticed how often she "got her way" too. There were never any verbal fights or apparent anger. It was always so subtle that I never saw it happening. Ma and Pa were like silent steamrollers. You never heard them coming and the next minute they had rolled you flat!
We chose to live close to the grandparents for our kids' benefit so we made it work. Now they're all dead and that's done. The kids have good memories of the fun they had playing on the farm and the big celebrations with the cousins.
There's a lot of choices to make to get the outcome you want and in families everyone is affected. Wish it were easier for people.
I see things a little bit different. Yeah your MIL is a pain in the ass. That's likely to never change and things won't go your way while she's around. That's a given.
So it seems like the trick is to limit the time she (or you) are 'around'. Accept that when she IS around, she gets her way. But once a week or so, you and your wife can have date night, and go eat where your heart desires and carve out some peace and quiet for yourselves.
And I think if it were ME I'd start limiting the amount of time they can stay in your house. This will probably be a battle of wills, but if it were me I'd say "We're looking forward to seeing you, and the first 2 weeks are on us, and the bedroom will be ready for you. After that, the extended stay inn has great rates. "
She wouldn't be welcome in my home ever again. I don't suffer fools, and I damn sure won't tolerate animal abuse and then having the blame turned around on me. That's narcissism.
Yes, you and your wife are a couple of limp noodles.
The MIL is a controlling B and I won't have her or any other part of the family near me. If the wife wants to suffer, then she can go right ahead, but until you put your foot down for your own mental health, your wife isn't going to take your lead.
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