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Unfortunately, my situation was totally different. For starters, it was just me and I was completely alone for two weeks in a row at a time due to my husband's out of state work schedule. I have two brothers but they were both very sick (one actually died a few months after my mom died) and several states away. My mom had dementia, but she got it after a stroke and she was NEVER easy to deal with being bipolar 1 (diagnosed and prescribed meds which she refused to take). There is no way I could have lived with her and she was unable to drive after the stroke. My dad had died a few years earlier. I had to put her in a memory care facility, which she hated but she needed it very much. We both needed it, actually, and she had the money to pay for it. I went to see her often however. After she fell and broke her right upper arm, she was put on hospice care and died a few months later. I hated it but what else could I do? You know what she would do? She would come over to my house and start unplugging everything - she was suddenly unreasonably afraid of a fire. I don't even know where that came from - she had never been through a house fire. She also got her days and nights mixed up so she would go to sleep around 3 pm and wake up, wide awake, around 9 pm. Then she was up for the long haul. But if you made any sort of noise around 3 pm, she would lose her mind. Wait...it was already gone! Anyway, I just couldn't live with her. Oh, another thing she would do was make a mess EVERYWHERE. Prior to the dementia, she was a neat freak so this was definitely disturbing and constant. She would also sneak around and try to find scissors or a knife or whatever. She would cut up anything and everything. She would also put all sorts of things in the trash. In fact, I found out after she died that her GREAT GRANDDAUGHTER was digging through her trash all the time and taking things out to try to keep us from knowing my mother was doing it. She lost a KEYBOARD of all things. I never did find it. I think she threw it away. Oh and forget having any pets. She would feed them by strowing food out on the floor. She was a mess, for sure. She totally ruined a $1500 loveseat by painting her nails on it. Oh and one time I took her out to eat and she just took some nail polish out of her purse and started painting her nails. I said, "Mom, other people probably don't want to smell that," and I looked over at a very pregnant girl sitting near us, and my mom said loudly, "Oh, what does it matter? No one will care!" and she just kept on painting her nails. When I cleaned out her room, I found, of all things, a TAZER. She had to have stolen it from a security guard or someone. Good grief! The last time I took her shopping, I caught her sneaking smaller items into my purse. This from a woman who proudly claimed she had never stolen anything in her life! Can you imagine if she or I had been caught? In fact, one time I took her to see her sisters in Louisiana, and I actually got a ticket going through this podunk town, and got pulled over and everything and I honestly don't even think she noticed though I was completely rattled.
I relate to your story very much. Your mother was just too much to handle. People get like this with dementia or after strokes. Nothing you can really do. She was like taking care of a toddler. I really don't know you managed on your own, Kathyrn - I really don't. You have a profound understanding of what it means to be a full-time caretaker of a parent.
We could no longer take my mother to a restaurant in the second year after her stroke because she would repeatedly tell the server to turn the heat up. One time, I swear, she mentioned it 20 times or more. Dad and I decided that we can no longer take her out to eat. We realized then she was really losing her mind. That said, she would have moments of clarity and lucidity, but they were sporadic and rather short-lived.
I relate to your story very much. Your mother was just too much to handle. People get like this with dementia or after strokes. Nothing you can really do. She was like taking care of a toddler. I really don't know you managed on your own, Kathyrn - I really don't. You have a profound understanding of what it means to be a full-time caretaker of a parent.
We could no longer take my mother to a restaurant in the second year after her stroke because she would repeatedly tell the server to turn the heat up. One time, I swear, she mentioned it 20 times or more. Dad and I decided that we can no longer take her out to eat. We realized then she was really losing her mind. That said, she would have moments of clarity and lucidity, but they were sporadic and rather short-lived.
Thank you. I am so, so sorry for what you and your dad went through by the way. You too have a profound understanding of what it means to be a full time caretaker of a parent! I am totally serious.
By the way, my dad had some business cards made up that explained that my mom has dementia, and he would hand them to servers and that sort of person, so they'd know without making a big deal of it.
Thank you. I am so, so sorry for what you and your dad went through by the way. You too have a profound understanding of what it means to be a full time caretaker of a parent! I am totally serious.
By the way, my dad had some business cards made up that explained that my mom has dementia, and he would hand them to servers and that sort of person, so they'd know without making a big deal of it.
Thank you for your kind words. I know you understand it all too well.
Although of a serious nature, what your dad would do with business cards made me laugh.
So, your mother was bipolar all of your life growing up? That must have been a difficult thing for your family. I believe you mentioned your mother's mental state before her dementia.
By the way, I can't remember...were you a caretaker to your father as well? Didn't he have a stroke?
Thank you for your kind words. I know you understand it all too well.
Although of a serious nature, what your dad would do with business cards made me laugh.
So, your mother was bipolar all of your life growing up? That must have been a difficult thing for your family. I believe you mentioned your mother's mental state before her dementia.
By the way, I can't remember...were you a caretaker to your father as well? Didn't he have a stroke?
Yes, he did have a small stroke outside the hospital but then had a major stroke in the hospital less than a day later, so I really wasn't his caretaker though I did spend a lot of time with him his last year on this earth. He was so sad about my mom! It was really a hard time. He was in and out of the hospital too and I always stayed with him there. And yes, my mom was bipolar 1 all my life and yes, it was very difficult. It could have been worse though. She was a really good person and I do think she tried but she was incredibly flawed mentally, so she made life for others around her very difficult.
She was absolutely beautiful though and I think she and my dad were OK, not great but OK, for many years because I think my dad was 1) an enabler, and 2) passionate about loving my mom. But eventually he even became very tired of her, and of course she became older and not as gorgeous, and my dad began to feel stifled by her needs I think. Then she had the stroke (at age 64) and he felt beholden to her. She fought her way back but her vision was severely affected and she couldn't drive, or see things well, or see colors. So my dad became more of a caregiver to her gradually. I remember one time he got really angry with her because she was always unreasonable but this time even more so. He began letting the F word fly, which absolutely shocked me, but after that, he would use it regularly and often directed at her. I think he had been diagnosed by then with the autoimmune disorder and he was going back and forth to the hospital and she would simply never go because she didn't like hospitals! I didn't know about her dementia till after my dad passed away. I just thought "She's weird and she's always been weird. She's unreasonable and has always been unreasonable." But I honestly think my dad knew and hid it from her, me, the rest of the world. It had to have been a huge burden and stressor to him.
When he died, he was reading "Co Dependent No More." And he had said to me, "After your mom goes, you don't care if I remarry, do you?" I was like "No, Dad, but don't mess with the inheritance stuff, is all I say." I always felt like everyone has a right to some happiness in life, and my dad was unhappy for many, many years. One of many things I remember from my childhood is that when I was about seven, my mom said to me, "Well, it's a good thing you know how to cook and clean and all that, because I am leaving your dad," and she just got in the car with her suitcase and left! So I called my dad at work, which always scared me for some reason, and he came straight home so my mom had about half an hour on us. So off we went down the interstate highway toward her mom, who was a good 20 hours from us, so my mom would HAVE to stop. Anyway, we hadn't gone more than about half an hour at the most, and my dad said, "There's the car, stay here and let me go inside." It was parked at a Howard Johnson's! I swear, it was like my dad knew it would be there. So he went inside and then came out with my mom in tow, and she got in her car and he got in his, and off we went to the house. Awkward!
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 02-23-2024 at 01:04 PM..
Yes, he did have a small stroke outside the hospital but then had a major stroke in the hospital less than a day later, so I really wasn't his caretaker though I did spend a lot of time with him his last year on this earth. He was so sad about my mom! It was really a hard time. He was in and out of the hospital too and I always stayed with him there. And yes, my mom was bipolar 1 all my life and yes, it was very difficult. It could have been worse though. She was a really good person and I do think she tried but she was incredibly flawed mentally, so she made life for others around her very difficult.
She was absolutely beautiful though and I think she and my dad were OK, not great but OK, for many years because I think my dad was 1) an enabler, and 2) passionate about loving my mom. But eventually he even became very tired of her, and of course she became older and not as gorgeous, and my dad began to feel stifled by her needs I think. Then she had the stroke (at age 64) and he felt beholden to her. She fought her way back but her vision was severely affected and she couldn't drive, or see things well, or see colors. So my dad became more of a caregiver to her gradually. I remember one time he got really angry with her because she was always unreasonable but this time even more so. He began letting the F word fly, which absolutely shocked me, but after that, he would use it regularly and often directed at her. I think he had been diagnosed by then with the autoimmune disorder and he was going back and forth to the hospital and she would simply never go because she didn't like hospitals! I didn't know about her dementia till after my dad passed away. I just thought "She's weird and she's always been weird. She's unreasonable and has always been unreasonable." But I honestly think my dad knew and hid it from her, me, the rest of the world. It had to have been a huge burden and stressor to him.
When he died, he was reading "Co Dependent No More." And he had said to me, "After your mom goes, you don't care if I remarry, do you?" I was like "No, Dad, but don't mess with the inheritance stuff, is all I say." I always felt like everyone has a right to some happiness in life, and my dad was unhappy for many, many years. One of many things I remember from my childhood is that when I was about seven, my mom said to me, "Well, it's a good thing you know how to cook and clean and all that, because I am leaving your dad," and she just got in the car with her suitcase and left! So I called my dad at work, which always scared me for some reason, and he came straight home so my mom had about half an hour on us. So off we went down the interstate highway toward her mom, who was a good 20 hours from us, so my mom would HAVE to stop. Anyway, we hadn't gone more than about half an hour at the most, and my dad said, "There's the car, stay here and let me go inside." It was parked at a Howard Johnson's! I swear, it was like my dad knew it would be there. So he went inside and then came out with my mom in tow, and she got in her car and he got in his, and off we went to the house. Awkward!
Thank you for sharing this story. Life... well, life is just life, and you demonstrate that well in this anecdote.
I always enjoy reading other people's experiences with caretaking, etc.
All families have some level of dysfunction - it's just part of life.
Thank you for sharing this story. Life... well, life is just life, and you demonstrate that well in this anecdote.
I always enjoy reading other people's experiences with caretaking, etc.
All families have some level of dysfunction - it's just part of life.
Take good of yourself
Thank you so much! And yes I do agree that most families, maybe all families, have some level of dysfunction. I mean, that's what counseling is for, right?
I have gone to a lot of counseling over the years and it has really helped me become a stronger person with clearer boundaries.
I definitely went many years feeling pretty disposable, but I ended up being the one they depended most on. Life is sho nuff odd. (They did both see that I was the one they depended on though, so there's some solace in that.)
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