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He is a different person with different needs and has a different relationship with you than your daughter. It’s best not to compare and just enjoy what relationship you do have with your son. If you accept that and just nurture what you do have you won’t feel so tormented. If he is happy enough, stable, looking after his health, keeps in touch, then you’ve done your job and you did it the best you could.
“And this is how we must learn to love; without expectation or attachment.
To understand we cannot force people to come into our lives, or stay in our lives, simply because we want them there. There is nothing forceful about love; we cannot demand it, manipulate it, control it, coerce it into being.
We cannot bind another person to us but must understand those who want to be in our lives, will be.
To love without expectation does not mean we should ever be okay with a love that offers us no loyalty, respect, understanding, or hurts us in any way. But that we learn to love without an expectation of outcome; that we cannot place those we love inside our predetermined ideas of relationship but must allow love to manifest of its own accord, all the while finding the grace to accept we may not always get the outcome we hope for.
It is allowing those we love to put their own needs first, even if those needs do not include us; to become whole enough within ourselves that we do not need another to complete us. To love ourselves enough that we do not need another to prove we are worthy of love. To learn to love in a way which honours both them and ourselves.”
.
Kathy Parker
Man that quote is powerful. And difficult to accomplish, but a worthy goal.
Some of my friends just went through a family split and the father died before they ever recovered.
Half were on the mom's side, half on the dads.
As a young visitor to their home, I could tell that the parents were a little off. Then the accusations 40some years later proved it. Nothing physical, just centered on selfishness. Who could get what, what can you do for me, - that type of thing.
Is it better that your adult children live far away and not visit or live in the same state and not visit? Mostly related to my adult son, 40 years old, currently in a seriousl relationship. We are close to and in near constant touch with my daughter.
On the other hand, it is pretty much impossible to see my son , talk to him, text him, call him. When we do talk (when he picks up, returns our calls and messages) he seems happy enough and sometimes not so much, like it is a bother.
Sometimes I feel I should be happy that he is plane ride away because it will be quite hurtful if he lives near by and yet we never see him.
Help me cope with feeling of sadness, anger, frustration, and constant worry if I did something wrong in my parenting. He does struggle with depression and is taking medication but he does not tell us much.
Isn't it amazing that the same parents can have several children, and each one turns out differently from the others? We have seen extreme examples, two children in the same family are fine, and one is a mass murderer.
I don't know your specifics, but it could just be that, although you did an equally good parenting job with all your kids, your son just was different somehow. Could be something that you will never understand. Since I am equally close to both of my sons, I can understand how this must be eating at you.
I am the kind of person who will just dive into things, so, if it were me, I would sit down with him, face to face, and just lay it out there. First, let him know how much you love him, and what is bothering you. Maybe it is just his temperament to be that way, some people are like that. But, if you look each other in the eyes and have a heart to heart, it might clear some things up and make a difference.
OP, I can relate to your situation with one that is similar in our lives. My MIL and FIL were good people. We really liked them, even though they had their little quirks. We have our own quirks. They had two sons, my husband and a brother.
My husband and his brother were raised the same, in the same home, and only a couple years between their ages. They could not be more different. One calls parents weekly, the other never calls. One is grateful and caring, the other couldn't care less. One took care of mom after dad died and made sure she was getting everything she needed, the other didn't even know where she lived, nor did he send her his address so she could write or call.
It's not you, it's your son. He is who he is, and you didn't put that personality into his head. You can try and let him know you'd like to hear from him more often. You can try to invite him to your home to visit. You can't make him accept though. Just keep the door open, and try not to be critical of his choices. You say he is depressed and being treated, just try to be supportive of that, but gently. Ask if he's seeing his doctor about his meds or doing any therapy. If he says he can't afford it, if you can maybe you could offer to help with the cost, or find a no-cost/low-cost option for him. But only if he agrees. Just be there for him, and let him know you love him no matter what. Sometimes it's so hard for a depressed person to even handle their own needs, adding YOUR need for more contact to his list is just one more thing he can't cope with in his condition.
I can relate as well. DH had 4 grown kids from previous marriages. His oldest quit talking to him or answering phone calls about 30 years ago. When he sent her a tentative "olive branch" type email, he got in return what he called "the hate letter" detailing all the ways he had disappointed her. Mainly getting remarried after he and her mom had gotten divorced, having more kids, and not making her the center of his world.
It bothered me for a long time but I finally learned to let it go. Her loss. He was a great dad (his other 3 kids would agree). Even when she knew he had a terminal illness she made no effort to get in touch. Couldn't make it to his memorial service, on a Sunday morning, a half hour from her residence, because she had to work. Yeah right.
I will leave you with a little saying that has helped me a lot.
"I release the need to determine the way things SHOULD be."
Thinking about my own mom and I lived 3000 miles away for the major part of my life from her, I could have called her more, but I didn't...some regrets there but I don't beat myself up.
(I lived 3000 miles away for the major part of my life from her, I could have called her more, but I didn't...some regrets there but I don't beat myself up)
Yep me too. I realized years ago that I was really busy putting together my life and so have forgiven myself. She died at 62 which seems pretty young to me now. But I was ridden with guilt that I was not there for her in her last years. I am so glad my sister was and I thank her often. Now I need to remember this when I start to feel my own grown kids don't call or come see me enough. They are very busy with living their own lives and to just be glad when I hear from them or see them.
(I lived 3000 miles away for the major part of my life from her, I could have called her more, but I didn't...some regrets there but I don't beat myself up)
Yep me too. I realized years ago that I was really busy putting together my life and so have forgiven myself. She died at 62 which seems pretty young to me now. But I was ridden with guilt that I was not there for her in her last years. I am so glad my sister was and I thank her often. Now I need to remember this when I start to feel my own grown kids don't call or come see me enough. They are very busy with living their own lives and to just be glad when I hear from them or see them.
This is true, my sister lived close to parents and so she was there often. My mom lived to 91 and I was with her for some weeks at her end. I would fly back to see her a couple times a year and she came to Calif. when she was younger, but aging does things to us.
My daughter has her own health issues, and very involved with her growing children, as their father passed a few years ago so she's with them alone. I see it all.
Is it better that your adult children live far away and not visit or ...
Depends.
For some it sure seems to be so but most seem to have always had that going on.
Changing something to make it happen? That's tough.
Well, beyond throwing some money at it.
Quote:
We are close to and in near constant touch with my daughter.
On the other hand, it is pretty much impossible to see my son...
Help me cope with... He does struggle with depression and...
If he wanted to live near his sister and parents
he could -or should be able to- make that happen. If there's some structural reason why he can't
(travel cash, rent deposits, finding new job, etc) make it happen then throwing some cash at it might just be all that's needed.
Your son has done nothing wrong by living far away and being illusive so there is no use to blame yourself for his behavior that makes you feel upset when his behavior isn't wrong. It is a sign that you live for your children and could be the very reason why your son is removed from you. Depression makes the sufferer unavailable. The struggle to survive takes up more energy and time than one can even imagine.
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