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I know someone who discovered 18 years later that his son got someone pregnant when he was on summer vacation visiting relatives when he was 15 or 16 years old. Their grandson got in contact with them when he turned 18.
He and his second wife met their grandson several times (he lived/lives on the other side of the country from them) and still have some limited contact with him & his family 25 years later. They provided him with health information about the family. The grandparents actually had/have a lot more contact with the grandsonthan the biological father (but remember that he was just a teenager on vacation when the child was conceived). While they weren't exactly happy with the situation they were glad that they eventually found out that they had a grandson.
Anyway, recently a friend sent me his new fiancee's FB because apparently he told NO ONE that my son exists. NO ONE. Neither of his parents, his fiancee or sibling knows. He must have told his mother I had an abortion?
I'm curious how you know that he didn't tell anyone in his family just by looking at his fiancee's FB page?
I have a 22 yr old successful, really wonderful son. His bio dad (we were together all thru HS & beyond) was all excited when I found out I was pregnant & well...that was just about the last time I saw him. I was extremely close to his mother at the time. She met with me (before bio dad left) & really tried to sway me into ending the pregnancy. I truly think she was legitimately concerned for me (probably because of him) at the time. I also never saw or heard from her again.
I contacted the bio dad 2x, once in person & once by email, in the last 22 years. The in-person (son was an infant) contact was a chance meeting & I asked him "What will I tell our son?" He replied with "Ill just tell him his mother is a ^&%$*". What ever that means...I emailed him in '09 a short message asking politely (for my son) if he ever planned on meeting him etc. I got a reply: "Take. Care." WTF.
Anyway, recently a friend sent me his new fiancee's FB because apparently he told NO ONE that my son exists. NO ONE. Neither of his parents, his fiancee or sibling knows. He must have told his mother I had an abortion?
Anyway, I know 22 years has passed & raising my son alone was probably the best thing ever for him. Truly. I don't know but I feel really pissed off suddenly. REALLY pissed off & feel like dropping a dime on this POS. Ugh. His family are such nice people too...I hate to hurt anyone...
Thanks for letting me vent. I've held this in sooo long. I have severe, aggressive early on-set heart disease at 43, which adds to my pissedoffness. I would hate to have this all come to a head for my son & I am no longer here to help him deal...
Thoughts? Thanks so much for reading.
It's possible his mother knows or has a strong suspicion that you had the baby.
I have an almost 20-year-old son and a deadbeat ex who never saw them (I have a disabled son too who I leave out of this story because he is mentally unable to comprehend the situation.) after they were 3 and 4.
There is no way I would make any effort, actual or even emotional, to fit this man back into my life again for any reason. My son is an adult. If he wants to find his father and meet him, he is welcome to. I bring that up from time to time.
I think, after 22 years, moving on is much better than even knowing your ex has a fiance or what he's doing with his life. Who the heck sent you this info? What was the purpose of that?
I know someone who discovered 18 years later that his son got someone pregnant when he was on summer vacation visiting relatives when he was 15 or 16 years old. Their grandson got in contact with them when he turned 18.
He and his second wife met their grandson several times (he lived/lives on the other side of the country from them) and still have some limited contact with him & his family 25 years later. They provided him with health information about the family. The grandparents actually had/have a lot more contact with the grandsonthan the biological father (but remember that he was just a teenager on vacation when the child was conceived). While they weren't exactly happy with the situation they were glad that they eventually found out that they had a grandson.
Yes. I think had the grandparents known it may have ended up a similar situation or could in the future. Truly, I would be more happy for my son knowing them than the bio dad.
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Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
Yep!
So awesome. Thanks so very much.
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Originally Posted by spencgr
I'm curious how you know that he didn't tell anyone in his family just by looking at his fiancee's FB page?
You know, you're right. I guess I don't know for sure. I think I just automatically assumed and was somewhat "triggered" lol by my friend announcing their engagement? I just scanned it because it's not her fault anyway & she seems like a nice person. It's a feeling I have because I'm 99.9% sure someone would have tried to contact me in 2 plus decades.
I feel badly for her because I'm sure (if she doesn't know, I doubt it though) she has no clue she's with someone who lied about the past or in the future could be shocked. Again, just my mind rambling.
It's possible his mother knows or has a strong suspicion that you had the baby.
Could be...I do wonder.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Murk
I have an almost 20-year-old son and a deadbeat ex who never saw them (I have a disabled son too who I leave out of this story because he is mentally unable to comprehend the situation.) after they were 3 and 4.
There is no way I would make any effort, actual or even emotional, to fit this man back into my life again for any reason. My son is an adult. If he wants to find his father and meet him, he is welcome to. I bring that up from time to time.
I think, after 22 years, moving on is much better than even knowing your ex has a fiance or what he's doing with his life. Who the heck sent you this info? What was the purpose of that?
I agree. It is truly up to my son. I have no need for the bio in my life whatsoever. My son has asked my opinion and for some help, I've given him the info he needed. Am I concerned about the slew of lies he will be told by a man that will be backpedaling from here to Kingdom come? Lol. Yes, hence if that time arrives, I will be in the background supporting my son.
Again, in a perfect world, I would prefer him to meet the grandparents and not the bio. My son feels the same. Although, should that day come, I'm sure by then the cat will be out of the bag already & the bio will begrudgingly show up with his list of excuses and nonsense.
I mean if you got an email stating you had a grandson would you not contact your son?
Believe me, I moved on long ago. My friend & I both knew him in HS so we joke about him from time to time. (He is one of those "look at me! Look at the stuff I have!") type person, easy to snark on lol) She only saw it through a friend of a friend on FB.
So sorry you too had to deal with something similar...even worse really because they knew him. Ugh. What a dirtbag.
Both your sons are fortunate they have a strong mother that played 2 roles.
They say karma comes around...I wonder if it really does...
I have an almost 20-year-old son and a deadbeat ex who never saw them (I have a disabled son too who I leave out of this story because he is mentally unable to comprehend the situation.) after they were 3 and 4.
There is no way I would make any effort, actual or even emotional, to fit this man back into my life again for any reason. My son is an adult. If he wants to find his father and meet him, he is welcome to. I bring that up from time to time.
I think, after 22 years, moving on is much better than even knowing your ex has a fiance or what he's doing with his life. Who the heck sent you this info? What was the purpose of that?
I'd say your feelings are perfectly normal and understandable. You also likely did much better not having that jerk in your life and more importantly your son's life. Had you pursued child support he might have taken more of an interest and that may of had more lasting impact than some extra $.
I'd be tempted to let them know but all that is going to do is be vindictive and spiteful on your part. You're opening yourself up to upsetting him as well because when ghosts from the past start meddling in your affairs people generally don't take kindly to it regardless of who is right and wrong. Getting him involved after so long is only likely to bring problems. So better to not do it.
Let it go, relish the fact that you raised a good son on your own and that you made the hard, but right decisions throughout your life. Good for you.
No reason to stoop to his level, even though it would feel a bit good, it would be hollow and it wouldn't last long.
Tough call, but at this point I think it's on your son to decide whether he wants to contact paternal grandparents, and if so, to do it himself. At this point it should be about their possible future relationship with him, versus about your past relationship with them, you know? Plus, it's good for him to at least know who they are, in case at some point he need health info or the like. Sounds like you've got good communication with your son and will support his decision either way - right on.
Good luck, and congrats on raising a good young man.
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