Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
This concerns my 32 y.o. step-son and 29 y.o. DIL. (Just to clarify, it doesn't matter that he's my step-son... My husband and I have 4 grown children between us from our prior marriages and to us there all our kids regardless of who is/is not the biological parent...).
My step-son and DIL treat my husband and me like crap. We are at a distance, and are trying to maintain relationships with everyone for the sake of our 2 grandchildren but we are at the end of our rope. We have tried to maintain a loving relationship with them before and since their marriage 5 years ago but it seems like we are repeatedly rebuffed. A year ago we retired to another state (900 miles away). My step-son announced that he was very upset when we moved (even though he never took the initiative to maintain a genuinely close relationship with his father when we lived nearby). Our relocation was not out of the blue as we shared our plans years in advance. When we lived locally the dynamic was that my husband and I would always invite and treat them to dinners out, (and at our home), but the invitations were never reciprocated. Same with holiday entertaining, birthdays and special occaisions...
They do not remember my husbands birthday with even a card or message. I know this hurts him. Forget about me...I (we) always send gifts and cards for their birthdays, and anniversary and of course the 2 grandchildren on holidays and birthdays. This Christmas we were "invited" and traveled (by air) 800 miles to their home. During our stay we had not one family meal (I did offer to shop and cook but was told not to). I did make coffee (after hunting through the cupboards to find it and asking my step-son how to work their coffee maker) and breakfast (because my husband and I are used to coffee in the morning and a bite to eat) and for lunch I scouted up soup and sandwichs. My DIL was off for the holidays and would sleep in all day and appear around around 6pm, at which time she would direct that a pizza be ordered or take-out Chinese food or fast food. In her lenghty absences from any interaction my step-son took care of minding/feeding/caring for the children and we assisted. She isolated herself in their bedroom, suffered from (fill -in-the-blank) a headache, a stomach ache, cramps. etc. Other than that she spent time loudly chatting and laughing on the phone (in the bedroom), or would disappear for hours "taking a bath". After the 3rd day of our 5 day visit, I arranged to visit some of my friends in the area and absented myself from this daily situation which was really getting on my last nerve. My husband and step-son spent their time glued to the TV watching sports and minding the children. Her behavior did not change.
One day in the late afternoon she arose and went Christmas shopping with her sister, came home and unloaded tons of gifts for "her" family which she proceded to show me, narrate, label and wrap for hours. When we gathered beside the tree a day later and gave our gifts to them and the children we received nothing. In April my step-son sent a picture of the children to us and sent a text message to his father saying the photo was his (forget about me again) "belated Christmas present". There are no financial concerns which would have prohibited them (or her) from purchasing some token for us. It isn't a matter of what or how much, it is just the thought or gesture. My step-son was never abused as a child or adolescent. My husband raised him and his older brother as a single parent after his (ex) wife abandoned the marriage and family to pursue an affair with a man 10 years her junior. My step-son was taught manners and proper behavior. When he found "true love" with my DIL, we were emotionally and financially supportive and welcomed her as our daughter.
My husband and I know that insofar as her family is concerned, (as well as his ex-wife and whatever man she happens to be living with at the time---their have been several over the years), birthdays are remembered, Christmas gifts were given, and invitations to dinners, etc. have always been extended.
It seems my step-son is oblivious to any of this. His relationship with his father is largely centered around their interest in sports and that has always been a major "father/son" connection. Quite frankly, my step-son often comes off as a "dufus", meaning with regard to these circumstances he just doesn't seem to realize or process what's going on. He has a successful business in a "home improvement" area, and DIL works as a nurse. She is always assertive and bossy in her demeanor towards him.
I have grown tired of being treated like I don't exist. What's more, leaving myself out of it, I am p---ed off that my husband receives this treatment from his son and DIL. Our door is open and we'll welcome them and our grandkids to our home anytime should they decide to visit. I have personally made the decision not to accompany my husband if he chooses to travel to see them. I've HAD IT. My husband basically feels the same way and is making no plans to visit them in the near future.
We are not "unusual" people in any way, meaning we have plenty of friends, socialize normally and have no problems or issues with other family members or our other grown children or their spouses.
What do I make of it? Your DIL is a selfish, self absorbed moron. Your step son is a clueless boob. They are social invalids. If I disappeared when my in-laws came for a visit, my husband would hunt me down and make sure I made a different choice! This whole thimg is a very disfunctional situation. If these two see nothing wrong with their behavior, they are not worth spending any more time on. The fact that your SS was mad when you moved shows great immaturity. It's a tough situation because of the grandkids, but I would not waste more time on these two. It's time to ENJOY your life and as I get older I realize that there's no time for putting yourself in situations that are unpleasant, uncomfortable and down right miserable. Frankly, I'd be surprised if their marriage lasts with this type of dynamic. I feel sorry for their children, who are unfortunately learning some pretty poor social skills. Maybe as the kids get older, they can visit you on their own. The whole thing stinks. Go out and spend time with people who are kind, caring and fun to be with. Hopefully you have good rapport with your other children.
Yep I agree your daughter in law is lazy and just does not give a crap about you two . I would ignore her and tell your husband if he wants to visit then he can do it on his own .I agree I would not pay them any more attention .
You have absolutely no control over the situation or these toxic people.
Send presents for the grand kids for their birthdays and holidays and that's it. If they question why you are not coming or whatever just tell them you do not go where you are unwelcome. No sense giving yourself an ulcer over a situation that you have no control over.
It seems my step-son is oblivious to any of this. His relationship with his father is largely centered around their interest in sports and that has always been a major "father/son" connection. Quite frankly, my step-son often comes off as a "dufus", meaning with regard to these circumstances he just doesn't seem to realize or process what's going on.
Yes. He is a clueless dufus, as in my opinion, men often are. Often the wife educates a man on how not to be a clueless dufus, but it frankly sounds like your SIL has not taken up the job, more concerned as she is with her own family.
So how about you educate him? Sit him down, write him a letter. Keep it as business like as possible. Explain how you and he feel. Then finish it with for the sake of the grand children, we will continue to engage with them. We will no longer be attempting to have a relationship with you until such time as we feel you value this relationship.
Quote:
We are not "unusual" people in any way, meaning we have plenty of friends, socialize normally and have no problems or issues with other family members or our other grown children or their spouses.
What do you make of this situation?
I make of it that no one has ever dope slapped your son in law into clue. My husband was exactly the same. His parents were always complaining about his treatment of them, with just cause. He is probably not a super bad guy, just needs his cage rattled. And if rattling his cage doesn't work, at least you will know where you stand and can write the jerk off.
I really doubt these two are going to "get it" at this point. She sounds like the selfish diva type who has gotten her husband to act however she wants.
I agree with others above who said it's probably time to keep the relationship at more of an emotional distance. Send the cards and gifts to the grand kids, but I wouldn't bother visiting unless they suddenly change their behavior (very unlikely to happen at this point). Who wants to go visit someone where they are regarded so callously? Not worth the stress.
I agree with the posters who have responded so far, but I have to wonder a little about your own part in this...as a clue I refer to your unnecessary comments about your husband's ex-wife, which have no relevance to your problem and just seem bitter.
It sounds to me like they're both social clods. Forget about it and keep the grandkids in mind for b'days and holidays. Next time they invite you to visit, book a hotel room.
I don't think they're being callous, just clueless.
Well, if she is buying for her family...why not buy for his. I always did the Christmas shopping for both family's. She made a point of shopping while her il's were visiting and also made a point of showing her mil everything she bought for her family.
The problem us dil has no respect for her husband's family at all. The way dil acted during their visit was atrocious.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
