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Well, first it was climbing out of the crib, and now it's hitting. I guess this is a standard phase but the problem with our little one is that he doesn't get that it's wrong, unlike my older son, who'd cry every time we scolded him for doing it and eventually got that it was no good to hit.
He's 1 1/2 and it doesn't help that he and his 4 1/2-year-old brother love to wrestle and be rough with each other. Until my older son gets hurt, he eggs the little one on, letting him straddle him, as they trade "fake" kicks (my older son takes karate and the little one watches and learns fast!). When my toddler slaps at his brother, my 4 year old doesn't understand that he's just a baby, and would hit him back. We told him several times NOT to hit back when his little brother gets upset. Now when our toddler gets upset at something DH and I do, he tries to slap us, mostly me. If DH sees him trying to kick me during changing or slap at me, DH raises his voice at him but the little one doesn't get it. DH one time gave him a slap on the hand after we caught him trying to plug something in - he had taken the childproof covers off and had moved an appliance into the room to plug it in! Instead of being upset that he was hit on the hand, he looked at his hand and hit himself lightly as if he was "getting the feel" for it (like "Hey, that wasn't so bad.")
When he didn't want to go into his carseat, he started struggling in my arms and hit me full on in the face. Hard. I admit it was all I could do not to give him a spank in response but I didn't. I just said "NO! NO HITTING!" very loudly. He just looked at me seriously but he stopped. When he tried doing the same thing when I put him in his high chair, DH moved his chair into the living room by himself while we started dinner. He protested quietly, didn't cry, and after a few minutes, he brought him back. DH had to do that a few times when he started to throw food or his fork. Yesterday, he bit a playmate and slapped a new teacher in his classroom so the directors made him understand "Boo boo Tim [other boy's name] No more play!" until my little one seemed to understand and cried. They were happy that he seemed to get it but I'm worried.
1) He's teething - his final two molars are coming in and he may be extra irritiable; 2) he's not sleeping as deeply as he used to - he's far more aware of his surroundings and wants to get out and explore and wake up his big brother and 3) he's VERY strong - built like a tank, a little over 30 pounds for a 1/2 year old and fearless. He climbs like his brother on the playground (no tots playground for him), isn't afraid of the dark, and already adopts DH's stern look. He doesn't back down no matter what his older brother tries to do to him when we're not looking.
Any other discipline ideas? My older son does undermine our efforts with all of their "rasslin'!" My older son starts laughing hysterically when our little one jumps on top of him but it isn't so funny when he beans him over the head with his Elmo phone!!
1. Children telegraph when they are going to hit, so catch his hand or arm when he tries it.
2. Say "we use gentle hands to touch people."
3. Show him how to stroke you gently.
4. Do this consistently every time he starts to hit.
It may take a few days, but usually kids get it pretty quickly.
I would not worry about the wrestling. Kids actually need physical play. I would, however, supervise it to see that it does not get out of hand and hurt the little one.
You may also want to read books like Hands are not for Hitting. It gives alternatives that kids can do with their hands. This is good for the 4 year old and the little one will probably enjoy it too.
Well, first it was climbing out of the crib, and now it's hitting. I guess this is a standard phase but the problem with our little one is that he doesn't get that it's wrong, unlike my older son, who'd cry every time we scolded him for doing it and eventually got that it was no good to hit.
He's 1 1/2 and it doesn't help that he and his 4 1/2-year-old brother love to wrestle and be rough with each other. Until my older son gets hurt, he eggs the little one on, letting him straddle him, as they trade "fake" kicks (my older son takes karate and the little one watches and learns fast!). When my toddler slaps at his brother, my 4 year old doesn't understand that he's just a baby, and would hit him back. We told him several times NOT to hit back when his little brother gets upset. Now when our toddler gets upset at something DH and I do, he tries to slap us, mostly me. If DH sees him trying to kick me during changing or slap at me, DH raises his voice at him but the little one doesn't get it. DH one time gave him a slap on the hand after we caught him trying to plug something in - he had taken the childproof covers off and had moved an appliance into the room to plug it in! Instead of being upset that he was hit on the hand, he looked at his hand and hit himself lightly as if he was "getting the feel" for it (like "Hey, that wasn't so bad.")
When he didn't want to go into his carseat, he started struggling in my arms and hit me full on in the face. Hard. I admit it was all I could do not to give him a spank in response but I didn't. I just said "NO! NO HITTING!" very loudly. He just looked at me seriously but he stopped. When he tried doing the same thing when I put him in his high chair, DH moved his chair into the living room by himself while we started dinner. He protested quietly, didn't cry, and after a few minutes, he brought him back. DH had to do that a few times when he started to throw food or his fork. Yesterday, he bit a playmate and slapped a new teacher in his classroom so the directors made him understand "Boo boo Tim [other boy's name] No more play!" until my little one seemed to understand and cried. They were happy that he seemed to get it but I'm worried.
1) He's teething - his final two molars are coming in and he may be extra irritiable; 2) he's not sleeping as deeply as he used to - he's far more aware of his surroundings and wants to get out and explore and wake up his big brother and 3) he's VERY strong - built like a tank, a little over 30 pounds for a 1/2 year old and fearless. He climbs like his brother on the playground (no tots playground for him), isn't afraid of the dark, and already adopts DH's stern look. He doesn't back down no matter what his older brother tries to do to him when we're not looking.
Any other discipline ideas? My older son does undermine our efforts with all of their "rasslin'!" My older son starts laughing hysterically when our little one jumps on top of him but it isn't so funny when he beans him over the head with his Elmo phone!!
Hmmm - disclaimer: I don't have two boys, so I could be totally off base here.
Having said that - this seems like an issue to me. If their 'rasslin' is teaching your little one that it's funny to be violent (or too rough, I don't mean to be overdramatic) then I would look at stopping that first. We discouraged our daughter from jumping on people for fun - because she's big and it hurts, so what starts out as fun often doesn't stay that way, even if it's her dad she's jumping on.
We made a rule that you respect each other's physical space and don't rough people up even in jest. I think it's hard to let that happen and then try and make a distinction between what's ok and what's not ok.
Maybe you could find other ways they can physically play together and keep the fake contact fighting out of it. Something that does not incorporate actual beaning over the head with Elmo phones.
The one and only time MissFR tried to hit me when she was upset - I didn't react much at all but very calmly took her to her naughty step and let her sit it out for four minutes. I think if you overdo your reaction you teach them that's a good way to get some attention, just like if they say a bad word and you overreact about that.
Hmmm - disclaimer: I don't have two boys, so I could be totally off base here.
Having said that - this seems like an issue to me. If their 'rasslin' is teaching your little one that it's funny to be violent (or too rough, I don't mean to be overdramatic) then I would look at stopping that first. We discouraged our daughter from jumping on people for fun - because she's big and it hurts, so what starts out as fun often doesn't stay that way, even if it's her dad she's jumping on.
You are absolutely on the right track, Fin. There's a fine line between brothers "rasslin" and brothers beating the crud out of each other. I've seen a lot of households where the brothers have a sibling rivalry and they express it by pounding on one another.
I know young boys. They're physical competitors, but there was a line we taught them not to cross. And one of them hitting the other over the head with an Elmo phone would have gone over the line.
I also didn't let them play "hard" in the house. If they do it when they're four they'll do it when they 15 and then you are talking about broken lamps. (And probably trips to the ER.) If they wanted to practice karate kicks or throw a frisbee around, they took it outside.
But you REALLY have to watch when brothers (or any siblings) start beating up on each other. (We put them in sports and told them to take out their aggression on the opponent, not members of the family.)
Thanks Fin and DewDrop. When he hit his older brother in the head with the Elmo phone (it's like when he's outgunned, he actually looks for objects to throw or hit his brother with because he's smaller), we immediately descended upon him with a loud "No" and "No throwing" and he looked at it us seriously, but it didn't sink in. Usually, it's as what DewDrop said, what starts as playing and tickling ends up as hitting because the little one either starts feeling overwhelmed or the big one is surprised by the little one's tenacity. I don't subscribe to the "boys will be boys" philosophy - I know I tend to be on top of them more than DH, who wants them to learn their limits, but I don't trust that. They can go until someone gets hurt and I want to stop it before it gets there, even if it means intervening and separating them physically. What I had to stop doing though is always assuming it was the older one being too rough, because I think he felt he was unfairly taking a lot of blame (little one takes older one's toy, when older one tries to snatch it back, little one screams and all of us - me, DH, and babysitter - would tell the older one "to just let the baby have it for a few minutes"). Now, I discipline both boys equally and now see that the toddler is at fault for a lot of the fights too -- I just don't see the beginning when the toddler instigates, just the end (when my toddler has gotten hurt and actually comes to me and points to his brother "He hit!").
My older son is definitely jealous of the baby - the baby gets tons of attention because of his looks, his chubbiness, the fact that he smiles and sings all the time. Whenever DS#1 hears about the baby being cute by someone, I see him whip his head around and stare. He's actually happy when the toddler gets disciplined, I can tell. They are amazingly so different: DS#1 tends to be fearful, picky and wary of anything new. DS #2 is fearless, will try most things, accepts everyone. When they get along, it's great - they hug each other, say sorry to each other, all on their own, but most of the time, it's the wrestling and often it occurs or starts out of our sight.
How strong are you Razz? Most brothers establish their own pecking order. And to let them do that you have to have a hands off approach. (Unless there's blood.) Your sons are still a little young to do that but if you have the will to let that happen, it will. I tried very hard not to interfere in their play because I knew that was how they were figuring out their relationship with each other. Meaning I only stepped in when one was doing something that was really harmful. Make sense?
The problem is the jealousy. I'd give enormous amounts of attention to the older one. If you can nip the jealousy in the bud it might just end the physical fighting. We were big on making the older brother the "protector". Once they have the attention every child desperately wants and realise they have an important roll in the younger brother's life it helps to steer them away from the fisticuffs and towards more bortherly love.
I'd give the 4 1/2 yr old a LOT of special time. Just him and Dad or Mom. He's also old enough to talk to about being a "big brother". I used to sneak in "coded messages" at bedtime. "You were such a good brother today. I am so proud of you. You did X, X and X exactly right. Timmy is so lucky to have you as a big brother." Lots of hugs. Lots of one on one affection.
How strong are you Razz? Most brothers establish their own pecking order. And to let them do that you have to have a hands off approach. (Unless there's blood.) Your sons are still a little young to do that but if you have the will to let that happen, it will. I tried very hard not to interfere in their play because I knew that was how they were figuring out their relationship with each other. Meaning I only stepped in when one was doing something that was really harmful. Make sense?
The problem is the jealousy. I'd give enormous amounts of attention to the older one. If you can nip the jealousy in the bud it might just end the physical fighting. We were big on making the older brother the "protector". Once they have the attention every child desperately wants and realise they have an important roll in the younger brother's life it helps to steer them away from the fisticuffs and towards more bortherly love.
I'd give the 4 1/2 yr old a LOT of special time. Just him and Dad or Mom. He's also old enough to talk to about being a "big brother". I used to sneak in "coded messages" at bedtime. "You were such a good brother today. I am so proud of you. You did X, X and X exactly right. Timmy is so lucky to have you as a big brother." Lots of hugs. Lots of one on one affection.
Awesome advice, DewDrop! I admit that we don't do that enough with my older child. I tell him often to watch over his brother and protect him, but sometimes my older one will say "I don't want to." My older is somewhat anal retentive and if he wants to play with his matchbox cars and line them up in a perfect row, the last thing he wants is his baby brother plowing through like a bull in a china shop.
Lately though to garner favor, my 4-year-old will act as the disciplinarian, since he sees his brother getting in trouble more, he'll say "You're being bad" or "You're in trouble" and we'll tell him to worry about himself and we'll discipline his younger brother. Or if we're trying to discipline the baby, the 4 1/2 year old will defend him and say "You're making him sad! He just wants to do X..." and will hug him. The 4 1/2 yr old is trying to get extra attention and love THIS way by inserting himself in the fray at the wrong time, but I'm going to take your advice and emphasize his protector role (rather than a tattling role). I do have to admit though that it's been the older one who tells us when the baby is doing something REALLY dangerous like playing with the outlets or messing with DH's surge protector under his desk, so at least that's some degree of protectiveness!
I do have to admit though that it's been the older one who tells us when the baby is doing something REALLY dangerous like playing with the outlets or messing with DH's surge protector under his desk, so at least that's some degree of protectiveness!
THAT is when you grab older son and hug him and tell him he is awesome! You catch him in the act of doing something good for the younger one and smother him in hugs and kisses!
He'll connect helping/protecting Little Bro with love and affection and approval from Mom and Dad. And when Little Bro is more verbal you encourage HIM to say thank you to Big Bro for helping him out. (And vice versa if Little Bro helps out Big Bro.) It's all about building bonds. If you get them when they are young, they'll be close for life.
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