Very attractive people who don't believe they are attractive..? (natural, thin, beautiful)
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I have found in my life it been women who've put me down and pointed out flaws in my appearance, like your to skinny, nose to big .... Not once in all my 50 years has a man say something negative about my appearance....
Bolillo, you were NOT ugly, but I completely understand low self esteem in outwardly good looking people. The media is extremely pervasive and presents such a narrow slice of what it is okay to look like. You must be fatless, preferably 18 to 25, and perfect looking. Now the majority of us fall outside of that range. But all we see is that narrow slice, which as you pointed out, is the pick of the litter and is intended to make us buy any number of products to hopefully look/have the lifestyle of those male and female 1% ( model types).
OP- it is entirely possible for your son to have gone through life not believing he is good-looking no matter how many times he hears it. My youngest brother is gorgeous, he's a musician and even my friends 15 years older drool. But he thinks he has no talent and is not attractive. He is not trying to get compliments, he truly believes this. And I myself am just like him, although am 15 years older than he is,and obviously a girl. In our case, we had a perfectionist father who, while very supportive of us, would make slightly caustic comments about our weight when we went through chubby phases in middle school. His mother had issues and was anorexic which nobody knew at the time, and he passed down his fear of fat to us. Chain of pain.
My brother was shot for a ton of mags, and I was a model after high school for a number of years, but neither of us think we are particularly good looking. I attribute extremely photogenic qualities to myself, in person, I really am the thing spectacular, even though I made money off my looks. It never sunk in with me that I am reasonably attractive, you think the paycheck would've done it, but it didn't.
So it is entirely possible your son does not see himself the same way others do. Once somebody skews your inner view, nothing anyone can say externally is going to change your self perception. The only thing that has helped me is that I'm older now and just don't care. I left Los Angeles because the city was too obsessed with looks, I didn't want to fret over every wrinkle, freckle, fat cell, etc. What a total waste of time. When I was a photographer; I specialized in shooting plus size models to try to bring a better image to women in terms of various body types. I switched over to the plus size because of the stories I heard about fashion photographers calling them cows and not being willing to shoot them. Plus size models, by the way, are the same height as regular models but can wear a size 8 to 16. Not exactly an enormous.
If you are concerned about your son, ask him if anything happened when he was a child that would make him think he was unattractive. You never know, a peer or relative might have said something even as a joke that he took the wrong way. But personally, the best thing you can do for him is to not emphasize his beauty, because guess what, no matter how pretty we may have been, we all lose it to some extent and we better have a strong personality and sense of self outside of looks if we want to survive, especially in our youth obsessed culture.
The photo was for my girl, who never got it because I didn't like how the angle made my neck look... Furthermore, I was too skinny! Photo taken shortly after turning 19 and sporting some rather unkempt long hair for the USMC due to recently returning from a CAX operation at the Stumps. Thank God youth is gone! I do not miss the insanity of vanity!
Bolillo, it may be 30 years too late, but we're about the same age, and I would like to say had I met you in high school and you talked to me, I would have been doing the tongue-tied "OMG, he's *talking to me*!" bit that teenage girls can do when a cute guy speaks to them.
I think I get the body-image issue...reading this thread makes me wonder if I've got the same problem. I get complimented on my looks--many people rave about the fair skin, the dark hair, and most often, my eyes are described as being 'like crystal'.
And I don't see it. I see everything that's wrong. I see hair that's too thick and too frizzy and defies any attempts at styling. I think my nose is too big and weird looking. My face is too square. I actually hate my skin tone and eye color--everybody else in my family has olive skin tones and large dark eyes (I got the recessive genes). Even at my skinniest, I have hips, thighs, and calves--what everybody else would call 'curves', but for me guarantees that whatever is cute and fashionable isn't going to look right on me.
I think it really hit me that how I saw myself and how others see me was screwed up when my sister came to visit. After she left, my friends and I were talking about her, and I remarking about how beautiful I thought my sister was....and one of my friends (who is aware of how I feel about my looks) said, "Sweetie...do you realize your sister looks exactly like you except for the eyes and skin?" (My sister has the aforementioned dark eyes and olive skin tone.)
It was a bit of a shocker to sort of...*really* look at my sister and realize in a lot of ways, it was like looking into a mirror. Yet I could see my sister as beautiful and not myself. That's actually how it still is. I can 'see' that my sister and I look almost identical, and yet, I can't 'see' it.
I have encountered women who have been brainwashed to believe that they fall short of popular beuty/fashion standards and are now cynical about men who admire or compliment them. As we all know, men will only compliment when they want sex. False.
I guess this is kind of like those who have a body image issue where they think they are "fat" when they are not? I don't know. I am wondering about why this happens.
Specifically, I am thinking of my 21 year old son. He was a very beautiful baby, an adorable child, and is a very good looking young man. When he was a baby, people exclaimed over him constantly. Much more so than when either of the other two were babies... they got the "normal" amount of stranger attention. This child got a RIDICULOUS amount. When he was a little kid I was told constantly that I should get him into modeling or TV commercials. When he was in high school, every time I was at the school and some group of teenage girls realized I was his mom they'd come up to me and say "Oh, you are A's mom?? OMG he is soooooo cute!" then they'd giggle themselves away.
He has dark hair, a slightly lighter complexion in contrast to his hair, dimples, and large stunning gray-blue eyes with incredibly thick dark lashes. I posted a photo of him on another site once during a discussion about hair styles (on a forum that is 99% women) and it turned into a four page thread about what a "hottie" my son is, so this is not just a mom opinion.
He has gained a bit of weight in the past couple of years, not a huge amount, but even before that, he just simply does not believe he is good looking. If I say anything to the contrary, of course, I am just 'mom' therefore not to be believed.
I don't get it. It makes me very sad and I keep wondering what I might have done wrong. His younger brother (15) is a good looking kid too, but in a more "ordinary" way and doesn't seem to have this issue at all. He is actually what some might call overly confident in some ways and can come off as a little conceited.
Is this a common thing? Is he just too humble or is there more to it?
He is probably humble. Does he brag about his achievements?
Some people are naturally very humble. People are born with personalities. Let him be and please stop suggesting he has low self esteem. Respect who he is. Being told that you have low self esteem just makes it worse. It's much easier to deal with being told that you are ugly than being told you are a psychological mess.
My wife is stunning. Turns heads everywhere she goes. Looks good in anything (and nothing). Make-up or no make-up - I don't even see a difference since it's like making a 10/10 a 'different but same' 10/10. Yet, she pains over her appearance, picks apart her features and sees nothing but ugly. She misinterprets my rolled eyes when she takes hours to get ready to go out - thinking I am implying she is beyond help or something equally as negative, when really I just look at an absolute beauty and wonder how many times she needs to be told how gorgeous she is before she actually listens AND believes she is. I don't think I say it enough - I guess I make the mistake of assuming beautiful people just know they are beautiful. She spends enough time in front of the mirror, surely she should know...
I guess this is kind of like those who have a body image issue where they think they are "fat" when they are not? I don't know. I am wondering about why this happens.
Specifically, I am thinking of my 21 year old son. He was a very beautiful baby, an adorable child, and is a very good looking young man. When he was a baby, people exclaimed over him constantly. Much more so than when either of the other two were babies... they got the "normal" amount of stranger attention. This child got a RIDICULOUS amount. When he was a little kid I was told constantly that I should get him into modeling or TV commercials. When he was in high school, every time I was at the school and some group of teenage girls realized I was his mom they'd come up to me and say "Oh, you are A's mom?? OMG he is soooooo cute!" then they'd giggle themselves away.
He has dark hair, a slightly lighter complexion in contrast to his hair, dimples, and large stunning gray-blue eyes with incredibly thick dark lashes. I posted a photo of him on another site once during a discussion about hair styles (on a forum that is 99% women) and it turned into a four page thread about what a "hottie" my son is, so this is not just a mom opinion.
He has gained a bit of weight in the past couple of years, not a huge amount, but even before that, he just simply does not believe he is good looking. If I say anything to the contrary, of course, I am just 'mom' therefore not to be believed.
I don't get it. It makes me very sad and I keep wondering what I might have done wrong. His younger brother (15) is a good looking kid too, but in a more "ordinary" way and doesn't seem to have this issue at all. He is actually what some might call overly confident in some ways and can come off as a little conceited.
Is this a common thing? Is he just too humble or is there more to it?
Its not common but it is plausible and can be mentally detrimental as beauty fades. When i dint get starred at and flirted with I begin to think...why? My hair today? Not enough sleep?
When your good looking you judge your life on the attention you get from the opposite sex.
Because when you are constantly told how beautiful you are all through your childhood and young adult life, this is how you are programmed by adults to judge your self worth. When you get older, maintaining that perfection is 100% impossible and this is why you are setting your child up for misery.
I was raised as an only child with a strong emphasis on how beautiful and I was - sent to modeling school etc. I was surrounded by an extended family of mostly female aunts and cousins who only reinforced this with constant comments about beauty and weight. They also gossiped regularly about other women: "Oh my gawd, did you see Susie who gained 1/2 a lb and turned into a blimp?" I remember my grandmother telling my cousin that she better lose weight or her husband might leave her...
These things have a profound affect on children growing up. A I approach 40 it has turned into a mild case of BDD for me; when I look in the mirror I see a beast compared to the stunning beauty I was at age 21. If someone compliments my looks, I am SURE they are flat out lying, just trying to be polite...Fortunately I have a very supportive husband who assures me that I am the most beautiful thing on earth and lets me know that I am not "seeing" myself properly in the mirror - I still won't believe him.
Perhaps, but even in high school he had this "no, I am not good looking" thing despite all evidence to the contrary. I remember specifically him liking a girl in high school who appeared to like him back, and he would insist that she was "out of his league" even though they were actually about equal in attractiveness. When I would tell him about all the giggly girls that were always asking me about him he'd say "Oh they just like me because I am an artist" (he was known for his artistic talent) or "Oh they just think I am mysterious and deep because I am quiet.." (he was very very quiet at school).. never would accept that it had something to do with his physical attractiveness.
I know what you are saying though -- I got a lot of attention all through my younger years, then gained a ton of weight (from pregnancy at age 19/20) and took a while getting that weight off, so it was a big blow for me to suddenly no longer get attention.
So you are basically saying that your family consists of 'attractive' people? Congratulations.
Of course you do. You must have taken the unofficial "How to post on City-Data" tutorial and passed with flying colors the section where it says "be sure and twist everything you read and assume all sorts of things right off the bat"... par for the course. Bravo.
It is not a "fixation" just because I posted about it here. The focus on the detail describing his appearance was so that readers would understand that I was not just considering him to be good looking because I am his mom. I was trying to make it clear that the opinion goes well beyond that of his family, and I was trying to also make it clear that he does NOT believe at all that he is a good looking guy (and apparently you missed that part).
It was just something that came up in a recent conversation with him. He is currently job hunting. In the course of discussing what sort of things factor into the hiring process in general, we were talking about how, even though it is unfair, people who are considered attractive do have an advantage when it comes to being hired. This lead to him making some comment about how he wouldn't be "relying on" the attractiveness factor, and lead to a discussion where he was pretty adamant that he is not possessing any advantages with regard to physical attractiveness, and holds no opinion of himself as a "good looking guy".
He did not say this in a "fishing for compliments" kind of way but it is apparent that he honestly does not see himself as others see him and it got me wondering why. Just how I wonder about some folks who are really not good looking at all, or even flat out unattractive, yet think that they are movie-star material. Self-perception is an interesting topic to me.
You are assuming that everyone else will find your son attractive. That probably will not happen. Not everyone finds the same things attractive.
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